Boyfriend woke up in bed with another girl

[BeeT]

I was away from my boyfriend for a month, and shortly before I am due to return he tells me he's going out to a gig with friends. I tell him to enjoy his night blah blah blah

 

4 days later I come back and see him and as we are lying in bed that night he tells me it was hard being away from me and that he wasn't a very good boyfriend. I immediately freak out and interpret this as a confession to cheating. As I am about to run out the room he is confused and then tells me not to and that he didn't sleep with anyone else. The genuine surprise in his voice makes me believe him.

 

He tells me that a number of people tried to hit on him whilst I was away but he didn't act on any of this. Okay, sure, whatever, it happens. He told me that on Friday after him and his friends went back to his friends place to crash after the gig. He said he was very drunk and curled up at the bottom of one of the beds in his friends place. He also sent me a text to let me know he was home safe (don't know if he remembers this, but he did). He told me that before the gig he'd told one of his male friends that this girl with them might try something on him and that he didn't want anything to happen as he has a girlfriend (me). He had known this girl for about a year before he met me, though I am unsure if they ever had a thing or were just friends. By the sounds of it she had made a pass at him one or two times before but he said she knew that he had a girlfriend now. Anyway he said when she woke up she was there in the bed with him (I don't know her state of undress or his). He said he moved to the couch and away from her. I trust him when he says he didn't remember anything happened- but this is the exact problem, he doesn't REMEMBER.

 

I told him I was worried about this and he said I shouldn't be worried and that he would've known if he'd had sex. I don't know if they made out or kissed or anything. At the time I didn't react much as I was relieved and thought he was going to tell me much worse. However I day later I told him I was disappointed he didn't tell me this straight away, and he said he wanted to tell me in person. I told him to do everything he could to avoid being put in that situation again with that girl if he knows she has a thing for him. I trust him but I'm honestly so unsure what to think and the fact that something may have happened is eating me up inside right now. I told him I'd feel weird about it for a while and he said he would too. I just don't know. I don't really want him hanging round this girl again and I already know if he allowed something like this to happen again I'd have to seriously question continuing the relationship.

 

His ex girlfriend cheated on him and he has always been dead against cheating and highly valued loyalty. I have never been anything but loyal to him.

 

TL;DR boyfriend woke up in bed w/ another girl, says nothing happened to his memory (he was drunk). I am extremely unsure about this. What should I do?

[healing light]

How ****faced was he? You have to be pretty out of it to not remember anything.

 

I would prepare as if the worst did happen. Don't have unprotected sex with him until he's tested to be sure he's clean. That's just me.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Just to clarify a few things,

 

- He lied to you about saying he was safe at home when in reality he was actually staying at his friends house.

- After telling his friends that he was worried that this girl might try something on, she just happens to spend the night there as well?

- He ends up curling up at the bottom of a friends bed, so presumably one of his friend was already in there(?) so how did she squeeze in, and where exactly?

 

One other thing that seems strange is why did he say he wasn't a very good boyfriend, if like he said, he didn't cheat, and moved away as soon as he noticed she was there? Wouldn't that make him a good boyfriend? Strange choice of words.

 

If you don't know all the answers to these questions, I think you have the right to ask more questions because something doesn't add up here. Has he told you that he will have no further contact with her or will he continue playing with fire a risk his relationship with you?

 

It's up to you if you choose to believe him and overlook his drunken mistake, but just be sure it all adds up and makes sense to you.

[diddilybop]

shady, shady, shady.

 

things aren't adding up or he's really bad at explaining what happened. i'd process his story, ask more questions to make more sense of things or fill out any holes and then figure out what you want to do.

[elaine567]

As I am about to run out the room he is confused and then tells me not to and that he didn't sleep with anyone else. The genuine surprise in his voice makes me believe him.

 

That wasn't "surprise" or "confusion" that was sheer panic and no doubt seeing your reaction, he then adapted his story to one you may swallow.

 

Funny he remembers so many embellishments to the story, yet there is a huge black hole regarding how he managed to wake up with this girl in the same bed...

[d0nnivain]

If you trust your BF, even when drunk, accept what he said at face value but keep your eyes open. Do talk to the other friends to get their versions. Find out everything you can about this girl.

 

If you don't trust him, end it now. Dating a musician who regularly gets so black out drunk that he can't remember how some random girl got in bed with him is a scenario that is likely to repeat itself.

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to be asking him more questions. Find out how much he actually remembers.

 

Ask him what he was wearing when he woke up. Ask what she was wearing.

 

Ask him if they kissed. Touched. Spooned.

 

I have a feeling that when you start probing, you might realize he remembers more than he initially let on.

[Space Ritual]

I was away from my boyfriend for a month, and shortly before I am due to return he tells me he's going out to a gig with friends. I tell him to enjoy his night blah blah blah

 

4 days later I come back and see him and as we are lying in bed that night he tells me it was hard being away from me and that he wasn't a very good boyfriend. I immediately freak out and interpret this as a confession to cheating. As I am about to run out the room he is confused and then tells me not to and that he didn't sleep with anyone else. The genuine surprise in his voice makes me believe him.

 

He tells me that a number of people tried to hit on him whilst I was away but he didn't act on any of this. Okay, sure, whatever, it happens. He told me that on Friday after him and his friends went back to his friends place to crash after the gig. He said he was very drunk and curled up at the bottom of one of the beds in his friends place. He also sent me a text to let me know he was home safe (don't know if he remembers this, but he did). He told me that before the gig he'd told one of his male friends that this girl with them might try something on him and that he didn't want anything to happen as he has a girlfriend (me). He had known this girl for about a year before he met me, though I am unsure if they ever had a thing or were just friends. By the sounds of it she had made a pass at him one or two times before but he said she knew that he had a girlfriend now. Anyway he said when she woke up she was there in the bed with him (I don't know her state of undress or his). He said he moved to the couch and away from her. I trust him when he says he didn't remember anything happened- but this is the exact problem, he doesn't REMEMBER.

 

I told him I was worried about this and he said I shouldn't be worried and that he would've known if he'd had sex. I don't know if they made out or kissed or anything. At the time I didn't react much as I was relieved and thought he was going to tell me much worse. However I day later I told him I was disappointed he didn't tell me this straight away, and he said he wanted to tell me in person. I told him to do everything he could to avoid being put in that situation again with that girl if he knows she has a thing for him. I trust him but I'm honestly so unsure what to think and the fact that something may have happened is eating me up inside right now. I told him I'd feel weird about it for a while and he said he would too. I just don't know. I don't really want him hanging round this girl again and I already know if he allowed something like this to happen again I'd have to seriously question continuing the relationship.

 

His ex girlfriend cheated on him and he has always been dead against cheating and highly valued loyalty. I have never been anything but loyal to him.

 

TL;DR boyfriend woke up in bed w/ another girl, says nothing happened to his memory (he was drunk). I am extremely unsure about this. What should I do?

 

Actually he does remember...and you need to remember he is so full of crap his teeth are floating. If you believe his story may I suggest you buy some oceanfront property in Nebraska?

 

Life is too short to put up with tackling inexact outcomes from people who profess to love you when you can do that all on your own.

 

Get rid of him or you'll regret it.

[Space Ritual]

You need to be asking him more questions. Find out how much he actually remembers

.

 

If he remembered enough to tell her the sanitized version, he remembers much more. Asking him now will only get the OP ever evolving versions from him. I would not give him the chance, he already showed her who he is. I'd have to punt on this 4th down. Let some other poor chick get the ball and face this act. lol

[ExpatInItaly]

.

 

If he remembered enough to tell her the sanitized version, he remembers much more. Asking him now will only get the OP ever evolving versions from him. I would not give him the chance, he already showed her who he is. I'd have to punt on this 4th down. Let some other poor chick get the ball and face this act. lol

 

Oh, I agree.

 

But I also get the sense OP won't walk away until she clearly understands for herself that he's not being honest. Perhaps if he starts slipping up the details or changing his story she'll get confirmation of what really happened.

[usa1ah]

BeeT, has he always been open and up front with you?

 

MPOV.

 

I don't think he did anything. Crashes at his friends house because he is in no condition to make it home. Falls asleep at the foot of the bed. If the OW had a thing for him she did what she could to cause a problem. If they had been seen in the same bed the next morning mission accomplished. Your boyfriend wakes up and is what the hell and goes to the couch.

 

He never had to tell you any of this.

 

He wanted to be honest with you so he was.

 

If there has never been any other signs of him not being faithful then just keep an eye on things. But it just could have been a setup on her part to cause problems for the two of you.

[elaine567]

He never had to tell you any of this.

 

I guess he probably had to, as others would have noticed he was in bed with the girl and the truth would have come out eventually.

 

He also had to get his story in first to the OP before this girl spilled the beans.

If he can persuade his gf that nothing happened, then whatever the girl says is then seen as untrue. By appearing "honest" he is ahead of the game.

 

What the real truth is, is of course, open to question.

[preraph]

Stop worrying about this. If he had cheated, he wouldn't have told you about it. It sounds perfectly plausible. She probably is after him and she probably snuggled but he moved as soon as he woke up and he told you about it and no reason to think he wouldn't remember if he'd had sex.

 

Just leave it alone but make sure they're not on each other social media so she doesn't catch him at a time y'all have a temporary breakup or something.

 

Look at it this way: On the remote chance he's lying and only confessing half the truth, you being an absolute trusting loving soul about it (except for making sure she's not on his social media) will pain him more than if you bawled him out and were mad at him because he'll feel guilty and like you are the nicest most trusting person in the world and feel bad about it if it happened.

 

But I don't think it did. Guys clam up about cheating and act like it's none of your business if you nail them for it.

[usa1ah]

I guess he probably had to, as others would have noticed he was in bed with the girl and the truth would have come out eventually.

 

He also had to get his story in first to the OP before this girl spilled the beans.

If he can persuade his gf that nothing happened, then whatever the girl says is then seen as untrue. By appearing "honest" he is ahead of the game.

 

What the real truth is, is of course, open to question.

 

What if he is being completely honest?

 

If this is the only time something like this has happened, then he needs to be taken at his word. This is what trust is.

 

If this is just the next instance in a string of thing that are questionable, then I would agree that it is time to start finding someone else.

 

His story is plausible it could happen. All she would have to do is talk with someone from that night. Someone with no bias.

[smackie9]

This isn't the first time I have heard about obsessed girls crawling into bed with the passed out object of their desire. It's possibly true as to what happened. If anything did happen you will hear about it soon enough from one of the guy's GFs. Women will give you the heads up if they find that kind of s^%$ out.

 

He's a musician, he's gonna get blacked out drunk with his buddies, and those female hang arounds will always be there. I went through the same thing when my husband was playing. Girls would hit on him in front of me, but I let him handle it, which he did, But I worried about those crazy parties they had a the jam shack. There was one incident and I took his word for it, and heard nothing about it since. I feel if some thing really did happen I trust he would simply end the relationship.

[usa1ah]

I guess he probably had to, as others would have noticed he was in bed with the girl and the truth would have come out eventually.

 

He also had to get his story in first to the OP before this girl spilled the beans.

If he can persuade his gf that nothing happened, then whatever the girl says is then seen as untrue. By appearing "honest" he is ahead of the game.

 

What the real truth is, is of course, open to question.

 

Who is say that they did?

 

Did they go to the bed room together?

 

You know nothing of what happened. Yet here you are say things like this.

 

Well he had to tell because EVERYONE saw the two together in the bed.

 

This is bullshet.

 

Sorry if you have been cheated on, it doesn't mean BeeT's bf is cheating on her.

[Steve51]

I have a bridge in Brooklyn for sale.

[elaine567]

Who is say that they did?

Did they go to the bed room together?

You know nothing of what happened. Yet here you are say things like this.

Well he had to tell because EVERYONE saw the two together in the bed.

This is bullshet.

 

I didn't say EVERYONE but unless the friend's place is a mansion then there will have been other people crashing out in a relatively small space, and the fact he ended up in bed with this girl will not have escaped anyone's notice. Even if no-one apparently noticed, he couldn't take the risk that the girl would not have told others.

If there were no others there to notice, then it is even more worrying that he landed up in bed with this particular girl.

 

The OP is out of town for a month... her bf ends up in bed with another girl...he says he was not a very good bf...

of course nothing happened...

[usa1ah]

Of course your right. She was out of town for a month. As we all know we guys can't stay true to our gf's for that long unless we become hermits.

 

So you are saying there is no way he could have gone to bed and pasted out. Then once he was out cold this OW slipped into bed with him.

 

Not all guys cheat. Everyone can or has gotten themselves into situations that can put a cloud of suspicion over them, especially when out drinking.

 

With my work over the years, I have been away from my wife, back then gf for a total of 8 years I would say. Mostly gone for a week but sometimes a year. I have never cheated during these times. Not every guy is a cheater.

[PegNosePete]

Sorry if you have been cheated on, it doesn't mean BeeT's bf is cheating on her.

Doesn't mean he's not (or didn't), either.

 

The evidence and facts here quite clearly indicate that he did cheat.

 

Not all guys cheat.

Of course not. But this guy clearly did.

[elaine567]

Of course your right. She was out of town for a month. As we all know we guys can't stay true to our gf's for that long unless we become hermits.

 

So you are saying there is no way he could have gone to bed and pasted out. Then once he was out cold this OW slipped into bed with him.

 

Not all guys cheat. Everyone can or has gotten themselves into situations that can put a cloud of suspicion over them, especially when out drinking.

 

With my work over the years, I have been away from my wife, back then gf for a total of 8 years I would say. Mostly gone for a week but sometimes a year. I have never cheated during these times. Not every guy is a cheater.

 

No-one said every guy is a cheater, but not every guy ends up in bed with a girl who is obsessed with him... and why even say he was not a very good bf?

If nothing happened, then why would he be a bad bf?

 

If I ended up waking up in some guys bed after crashing out and I was adamant that i was completely innocent of any wrong doing, then why would I say I was not a very good gf?

Stupid person, drunken idiot, complete fool maybe but bad gf????

Makes no sense.

[PegNosePete]

Plus he said he doesn't remember, but nothing happened.

 

If he doesn't remember then how does he know?

[ExpatInItaly]

Who is say that they did?

 

Did they go to the bed room together?

 

You know nothing of what happened. Yet here you are say things like this.

 

Well he had to tell because EVERYONE saw the two together in the bed.

 

This is bullshet.

 

Sorry if you have been cheated on, it doesn't mean BeeT's bf is cheating on her.

 

Well, to be fair, neither do you. We are all speculating, including you.

[BeeT]

Guys I talked to him, nothing happened. He was fully clothed the entire time and sleeping at the bottom of the bed. She appeared in at the top.

 

The reason he had said he 'hadn't been a good boyfriend' was referring to a couple of disagreements we'd had over the summer and while I was away- also he has Asperger's and tends to blame himself harshly for a lot of things.

 

Also he is not a musician- he just went to see a group with friends.

 

I trust him and I'm letting this one lie and moving on.

 

-End thread-

[usa1ah]

Well, to be fair, neither do you. We are all speculating, including you.

 

No, I was going on what BeeT related in her post. I didn't assume her bf was lying.