Married Only Two Months!

[SamaraFalling]

Ok. So, I'm looking for advice though I think I already know what I want to do.

 

My husband and I have been married only two months, though we've been together for 4 years (and living together for over two years). He is a very angry person, in a way that really should have raised more red flags for me early on, but I mostly ignored how scary he can get. His short fuse results in our arguments escalating into him yelling and cursing pretty quickly, and I don't react well to being yelled at (it scares the crap out of me). He also gets into a rage over things that seem small to me (I brought home the wrong lunch for us to share, I forgot to talk to the rental office about upstairs neighbor noise, I gave him the wrong directions while driving, etc). I hate the yelling, but what has finally got me questioning whether or not I just made the biggest mistake in my life marrying him is the cursing and name-calling.

 

He is a big guy, and can get in my face when he's angry. He's screamed mostly any curse word you can think of at me, and called me the b-word, an idiot, stupid, psycho, crazy, childish, spoiled, a terrible person, and once compared me to Trump. He once got angry at me for not looking at him when he was mad at me and he broke my camp stove and tent (we were on a camping trip). Fights with cursing happen at least a few times a month and name calling maybe every two or three months. Maybe I'm just weak, but it's really started to affect my self-esteem, and I've spent most of the past four years convinced that if I just tried harder, if I was just a better and more caring partner, he'd stop calling me names and yelling. I guess that's why I still married him, I keep thinking things will get better once I figure out how to be a good enough wife, but now i'm not so sure. We got into a huge fight two weeks ago and he threw his ring at me and told me he wanted a divorce. I told him ok, we're through, but he recanted and said he didn't mean it. Then, when I started packing a bag to leave, he said he'd kill himself if I left, so I stayed and we reconciled. It really opened my eyes to how bad things are with him and I've started reflecting on all the crap he's said to me over the years.

 

I'm not a perfect person, not a perfect wife, but I'm finally coming to believe that no-one deserves to be called names and cursed at, especially over everyday misunderstandings and honest mistakes. I go through our life walking on eggshells, watching everything I say to him, afraid to set him off. I am genuinely scared of him. He hasn't hit me yet, but something in the back of my mind wonders if he will some day (he swears he never will). He acknowledges that his temper is a problem, and has said he will seek counseling (hasn't done it yet, though). But it seems that everything I read says that most people with anger problems never really change. We have done couples counseling, and tried to stick to all kinds of agreements about "fair fighting rules" and better communication skills, but these changes only last a week or two and then it's back to cursing and screaming. I'm feeling defeated, depressed, and I'm almost entirely sure I'd be happier without him. But, I married him, I do love him, and I made this commitment, not to mention that he's depressed and threatening to kill himself if I go. What would you do? I think I want to leave him, but I have so much guilt.

 

Edited to add: reading the first draft of this, I'm sure people will say, "what on earth do you see in him?". I want to add, he is also a very good person, though certainly a troubled one. He can be very kind and caring, and I do not doubt he loves me tremendously. He wants to share everything in his life with me, tells me that he is proud of me and my academic/career achievements, and is very physically affectionate. He is excited about our lives together and despite all the times he tells me I'm a terrible person, when things are good he tells me he likes and loves me. Our life is not without joy or closeness, it just also contains a lot of anxiety and fear for me as well.

Edited August 12, 2017 by SamaraFalling
Wanted to add some thoughts

[mikeylo]

He needs anger management .

[darkmoon]

Walking on egg-shells?

 

Why is he breaking his marriage vow to love and honour?

 

You married a narcissist. I bet even when he is in a good mood, you are frightened of saying the wrong thing, to the extent that you pretend to be happy. He has you wrapped round his finger.

 

Plan your escape, save up, organise rent for a new life, add a bit of money for spare, and forget you ever met him, which you will over time, and the nightmare will fade to nothing.

[SamaraFalling]

Thanks for the responses you guys.

 

I am lucky to have a reasonably well-paying and very stable job (I'm an RN), so I've got a bit of money saved up already. Enough to leave if need be. My husband on the other hand barely works and is almost out of money. I can't bear the thought of leaving him as depressed and broke as he is, taking the cat and myself away from him. The guilt associated with that thought is overwhelming.

 

That is not to say I feel fully obligated to give up my happiness to keep on supporting him, but it scares me to think what might happen if I go. Especially after the suicide threats (yes, I know it was manipulative of him to threaten to kill himself, but I also believe that he is depressed enough to possibly follow through on it)

[darkmoon]

suicide threats? manipulation? if that is the key factor, show him info on suicide-watch phone-lines

 

leave the info in plain sight, noticeable on a table, or collude in your own destruction, and in paying him to be in your life

[d0nnivain]

Well now I know why you want to travel alone.

 

See if you can get him anger management. If you can't, get a divorce. You can't stay in a violent relationship

[salparadise]

This is more dysfunctional than you even realize, although you have realized quite a lot. The guy has serious issues and in my opinion it runs a lot deeper than anger management. This is already an abusive relationship even if he hasn't hit you yet, with emphasis on yet. I suspect a personality disorder.

 

You don't deserve this, and it's not your fault. No amount of trying to be a better wife is going to fix it. You need to a) complete the full realization of what the situation actually is so that you can let go of feeling guilty and responsible, and b) a plan to extricate yourself quickly and completely.

 

You need counseling, legal advice/representation, probably a restraining order, a secure place to live and a financial plan (which doesn't seem to be a problem). If he threatens suicide, or if he is suicidal regardless of overt threats, then he needs in-patient MH services, perhaps involuntarily if he refuses. Women's resource centers/shelters are organized to provide these things, and you don't need to be destitute or a victim of physical abuse to access them.

 

The first step is to make the call and make the decision, and be resolute about it. I know you care about him, but this situation goes beyond caring, allegiance, guilt, etc. You have to do what's right for you (and him), and staying in this is just postponing the inevitable. Yes, he needs help, but you need to extricate. Don't minimize what this is.

[elaine567]

Our life is not without joy or closeness, it just also contains a lot of anxiety and fear for me as well.

 

This is how abuse tends to work.

Abusers do not tend to be abusers 24/7.

They can be nice, they can be lovely, they can be wonderful people, but when they are horrible that colours the whole relationship.

If they were horrible all of the time then they would be easy to leave, it is the "good" bits that keep people coming back for more...

 

YOU can never be certain of how he will react to any situation, and that means walking on eggshells with the associated stress and feelings of anxiety, mistrust, instability and discomfort.

By accepting this you are putting your mental and often physical health at risk too. Being under such stress for years is no good for anyone's health.

 

YOU will cherish the times when he is "OK" or he is "good" and that will keep you stuck there unless you recognise it as abuse and get out..

[BluesPower]

OK let's be completely real about this...

 

Obviously he has anger (actually emotional) issues.

 

But the first thing that I would like to know is why you got married? Not wanting to be offensive. But you are an RN, you have had some level phycology classes that had to have covered counseling at some level, "Recognizing the signs of abuse", how could you marry a guy like this?

 

Now that THAT is over, he has to get help yesterday or you have to get out. If he does not embrace counseling about his issues and possible get on medication you have to leave, because he will hit you at some point.

 

I won't even go into all the possibilities that may have caused his issues, because really it does not matter. He has to discover that in counseling and take the appropriate steps.

 

You have to have "the talk" maybe with his parents or siblings there if necessary. And do not think that talk will be easy because it won't.

 

In fact, you probably need to have your bags packed and a place to stay if it goes poorly.

 

You are a grown, educated woman and you need to handle this situation like a grown educated woman...

[BluEyeL]

You need to leave and there is no reason to feel guilty. Your responsibility is first to yourself and your safety and happiness.

 

I was married to someone very similar. He was yelling all the time, either at me, for stuff like you described (I misplaced a pencil , I dropped the key, I didnt give him directions quick enough , I was doing dishes while he was watching Tv etc), or at our son when he was 3-4 (spilled the milk etc). He did not call me names too often (very very rarely), but he took his anger on the kid instead and tried to or hit him for stuff like that. When I was there (the large majority of times ) I was physically fighting him so he wouldn't hit our son, while I was yelling at the kid to run. I was threataning yo call 911 which helped some but he still hit him a few times for stuff like being sick and vomiting, or some other senseless or imaginary reason.

 

He was also "good" when he was in a good mood of course , just as you described. And more. He was telling me I'm beautiful , the best in the world, the smartest blah blah

 

I also supported him through his youth, found him three jobs , made more money than him, got him a green card ,and always thought he can't make it without me. After we split though he did just fine because he was on his own . Yours will too. Yes, he twice lost a job and this is when he was messaging me saying he'll commit suicide and he wants to "see us one more time", but by that time I had enough counseling not to let him manipulate me.

 

He's doing just fine now , 9 years later, even bought two different houses (financed but still), has a lower management position in a company , makes 6 figures. I'm happily recently remarried and our son got to suffer his abuse for two years only and had a great childhood once he left. He's 15 and well adjusted and happy and loves his step father .

 

You don't wait until you have children like I did, worry about yourself and kick him o the curb immediately . Don't waste your life . Ignore suicide threats.

[littleblackheart]

Hi OP

 

Please don't let your guilt stop you from leaving this unhealthy marriage.

 

I agree with salparadise: you need a plan of action.

 

It took me 3 years to put mine in action (I'm slow on the uptake and it took me years to allow myself to break my cardinal rule, that is to follow through on my marriage vows come what may). Also I had 2 children to consider and I wanted the transition to be as seemless as possible for the 3 of us.

 

He was never physically violent but it's taken years of therapy to undo the mental and emotional damage done. I also waiting for things to get better; I now know they never will and we are all happier for it.

 

This is as good as it will ever get, OP. Don't give him the benefit of the doubt for much longer.

 

Even if he admitted to having a problem, that's for him to sort out on his own.

[elaine567]

Nursing is a caring profession and it attracts people who want to please others and who "care" for everyone that crosses their path, they also want to "cure" and "save" too.

 

This guy no doubt knows that and he knows he can yell, scream, call her all the names under the sun, threaten to leave, threaten to commit suicide, behave as badly as he wants to get his own way, and she will just take it as he knows she loves him and will not leave.

 

She is the perfect "victim".

[darkmoon]

tell him you will commit suicide if you stay

 

that should silence him, play him at his own game

[Downtown]

He is also a very good person, though certainly a troubled one. He can be very kind and caring, and I do not doubt he loves me tremendously.

Samara, you are not describing a man who is bad but, rather, one who is emotionally unstable. I therefore ask whether you've seen strong occurrences of irrational jealousy over the past four years (starting about six months into your relationship)? Has he exhibited jealousy about you looking at another man -- or your wanting to spend time with friends and family members? I ask because it would be helpful to know whether your H exhibits a strong fear of abandonment.

[stixx]

tell him you will commit suicide if you stay

 

that should silence him, play him at his own game

 

soooooo......this message is sending????

 

Please tell me so I can never run a group session again.

 

This comment is about as nuts as me joining a dating site.

 

Explain.....please.

 

Are you on Geodon and taking 8mg of Ativan a day?

 

Thank you

Edited August 20, 2017 by stixx

[kazen]

Wasn't there a movie where Julia Roberts fake her death (pretended she drowned) in order to escape a husband like that?

[Resa86]

Take it from me, I was married for over two years and I ignored all of the same red flags that you discussed. I wish I would have gotten out at two months instead of two years because things only got worse. But, now that I am out that situation, things and life are great once again.

[preraph]

Thanks for the responses you guys.

 

I am lucky to have a reasonably well-paying and very stable job (I'm an RN), so I've got a bit of money saved up already. Enough to leave if need be. My husband on the other hand barely works and is almost out of money. I can't bear the thought of leaving him as depressed and broke as he is, taking the cat and myself away from him. The guilt associated with that thought is overwhelming.

 

That is not to say I feel fully obligated to give up my happiness to keep on supporting him, but it scares me to think what might happen if I go. Especially after the suicide threats (yes, I know it was manipulative of him to threaten to kill himself, but I also believe that he is depressed enough to possibly follow through on it)

 

OK now, you're letting him suicide blackmail you. Don't do that! He will never even have motivation to seek help as long as this keeps you in check! You're enabling him, not helping him. As a nurse, you should know that.

 

Here's what you do. You either tell his family you're leaving before you tell him and tell them to take over on suicide watch because you're out. I bet he won't use it on them. Or you tell him to get into anger management AND therapy or you're out of there. And as you surely know, mental patients rarely, rarely take their meds as prescribed and some won't take them at all and make every excuse in the book. So this last option is the worst option. He needs to do all that, but it shouldn't have to be your problem. Turn him back over to his family.

[amers53]

He sounds a lot like my husband, though mine HAS become physically abusive over the years. I walked in your shoes when my husband and I had been married for just a few months as well (we were together for 3 years before) and I too wondered what kool aid I had drank to even stay with him let alone marry him.

 

But like you said, you think it's something wrong with you, something you're not doing right. You know it's not ok, but you're hesitant to call it "abuse". For me, my only reference to domestic violence was TV where men beat the living crap out of their wives. My husband never did that. He's grabbed my shoulders/arms roughly and hard, he's pushed me into walls, he's thrown things at me, he's intimidated me, he's called me every name in the book....when he has put his hands on me, I KNOW it is not right, but even then I rationalized that I could feel him holding back, I could tell he was not doing to me what he was capable of. My husband is also a big guy, if he wanted to, he could seriously hurt me, but most of my injuries from his abuse were accidental i.e. he grabbed me and I tripped backwards and fell, etc. So while he's never "beat me up" I am now realizing his actions are not even close to being ok and are abuse.

 

The tricky thing about domestic violence is, while the injuries and bruises can heal (obviously not talking about women who have been put in the hospital or even killed), the true horror of it is that your husband, the one who is supposed to love you and protect you and kill (figure of speech) anyone that hurts you, IS the one that is hurting you the most. It's never feeling safe in your own home. It also gives him free reign to have control, because he has already set the standard of making your walk on eggshells and and be intimidated by him, so even if he never does end up putting his hands on you, the effect on your psyche is likely just as bad as if he does ever physically hurt you.

 

I completely understand the feeling of still loving this person even though they do such awful things. My husband is truly like two people...the one is awful, calls me awful names, hurts me, intimidates me, doesn't respect me....but the other one is my best friend. He's funny, fun, caring, loving. If only abusive men (and women) could be abusive all the time, they wouldn't be capable of doing the very worst thing that they do...make you fall in love with them.

 

I literally just went to a divorce lawyer today to start the process....7 years and 2 children later (only one living though), I am finally ready to go...but even now, despite all the years of ugly behavior, crying, screaming, wondering what I did to deserve such horrible treatment, I still sit here almost in tears because it does break my heart to have to leave him. I'm ready, I want to go, but the part of me that fell in love with him, and the part of him that I love, is still there. I will be ok, once it's all said and done I think I will surprise myself with how quickly I feel ok without him. But looking at his face now, hearing his voice, thinking of our wedding day, laughing with him, or when he gets my inside jokes...it's just all so incredibly sad and it breaks my heart.

 

Mine has never threatened to kill himself, but the few times over the last year that I have told him that I want a divorce, he cries (the man almost never ever cries) and begs me, literally pleads with me not to leave. He's purposefully banged his head against the wall because he is so upset, and that BREAKS my heart. I dread telling him in a few months that I am done this time for good, I feel guilty and I do worry he will hurt himself (or me), maybe not suicide, but just give himself injuries like he did before with his head against the wall. But I tell myself, I have to worry about myself and my daughter. I cannot be his rock anymore, and I cannot let his manipulation (whether he means to be or not, he is) keep me in this marriage any longer when I don't want to be.

 

Have you talked at all about having kids? If so, please please think long and hard about it. I cannot say I regret staying and having our kids (and my daughter is actually what gave me the motivation to leave. If it were just him and I, I don't know...I might put up with it indefinitely) because I cannot imagine a world without them, but it's all soooo much harder when kids are involved and I also feel so guilty about taking my daughter's dad away from her, and for having done the most selfish thing I've ever done, which was bring her into this world where her father has done and said such horrible things to me. Sorry if I made this too much about myself, but I could really relate to your situation, and I just wanted to tell you you're not alone. Anyone who judges you for being with him or marrying him in the first place is either in denial about their own poor judgement in relationships, or truly has never been in the situation of both loving and hating the person you're with.

 

I can't sit here and say, leave him and leave him now, because you truly have to be ready and no one can make you ready. I thought about leaving my husband when we were just dating, I thought about calling off the wedding, I've thought about divorce almost since the day we got married, but it wasn't until last summer when a switch flipped in my head and I just knew I was done. I've known for 7 years that I should divorce him, but I wasn't truly ready until last year, and even now it's taken me another year to stick to it and go through with it. Best of luck to you, and if you ever need to talk, feel free to message me.

[amers53]

Wasn't there a movie where Julia Roberts fake her death (pretended she drowned) in order to escape a husband like that?

 

 

Sleeping with the enemy. This is actually the movie that comes to mind when I talk about my only reference to domestic violence is TV, and how on TV the men always literally beat the snot out of the women. I wish a show or movie would portray what likely is more common in DV, which is probably like my situation where my husband puts his hands on me, he has hurt me, he has left bruises, but he's never outright punched me in the face, or kicked me in the ribs, or put me in the hospital. I always knew what he did wasn't right, but I was always hesitant to accept that it was DV because it didn't look like I thought it did.

 

None of my ex's were abusive, not even close, and I did not grow up in a house with DV. So I only knew what I saw on TV, or maybe in an article or something (which usually tends to be the worst of the worst where the woman was almost killed) I think if TV and movies would show some DV at the other end of the spectrum, maybe more women would understand that just because he doesn't lay into you like you're in a bar fight (or as in the OPs case, hasn't actually put his hands on you) it's still DV.

[Downtown]

He sounds a lot like my husband, though mine HAS become physically abusive over the years.

Amers, you are describing some of the warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I discuss this in my post today in the thread you started four weeks ago.

[Steve51]

The chemical processes that cause love also cause people to overlook the faults of their lovers. The first stage of love is called the courtship phase. Once that passes you see each other for who you really are and then it is decision time as to whether you see yourself married to your spouse for the rest of your life. Read this:

https://www.today.com/health/how-long-does-passion-last-four-stages-love-t108471