The one time I dated, but didn't really date my coworker (long story)

[slunk13]

This is a story about my (32/m) experience with a someone from work (32/f) who I was kinda dating but not really dating. I felt the need to talk about this as I work though getting over this. Not really asking any specific questions. Just thought I'd post and see what kind of thoughts people had. It's a long story so thanks for taking the time to read if you make it through the whole thing.

 

My story starts over a year ago. My department at work was merged with another, which meant new coworkers. I remember first seeing her in a meeting. I liked her from the start. I hesitated for a long time to speak to her beyond a standard hello. 1. I've been single for years, and 2. I didn't know if I wanted to start something with someone I worked with. I used her birthday as an excuse to talk to her one day. I offered to take her to lunch as a birthday gift. That never materialized. I'd find out later that she had a boyfriend. I was bummed.

 

September came around and are hellos had turned into conversations about our weekends, and current events. One day we were talking about music and I mentioned a reggae concert that weekend. She says to me "we should go." I try to keep it cool and say "sure." I guess he didn't think I was taking her seriously because she said "for real...we should go." A smile comes across my face and I said "We're going. We're absolutely going." The weekend comes and I spend all day wondering how early is too early for me to text her and finalize our plans. Finally around 3p I pull the trigger. "Hey just wanted to check in and figure out our game plan. Doors open at 7:30. Pick you up at 7?" An hour goes by...2 hours...3 hours...now it's 7. I finally hear from her at almost 9pm. She says "Sorry I'm just getting back to you. It's been a long day and I turned off my phone and disconnected from the world to unwind a bit." I say no problem. I was looking forward to the concert but I'd still like to hang out sometime. I get no response to that. Again I was bummed.

 

We keep up the casual chatting at work but no more attempts at hanging out. September turns into December, and then finally she asks if she can join me for lunch when I mention a place she was interested in. That lunch leads to several more lunches. Then that leads to dinner on a Friday night. The next week we decide to check out the Christmas lights decorating downtown. "Is this a date?", I ask myself. I had no idea. We never called it a date. No big deal I tell myself. I'll play it by ear. As the new year approaches I want to make plans to be with her to bring in the new year. I need to make my feelings clear though. One night as I'm dropping her off, I say it. "I really enjoy spending time with you. I want to take you out for New Year's Eve. On a date..." She pauses for a bit and tells me "I really enjoy spending time with you too. I'm glad we finally got to know each other outside of work. The thing is though that I got out of a complicated relationship situation not too long ago and I'm not ready to jump into anything else right now. Would you be ok with us being friends?" I'm bummed of course, but I respect her feelings and say of course. We go our separate ways. The new year comes and I spend it at home by myself.

 

***Her complicated situation explained***

She dated a guy off and on for almost 13 years since her college days. We'll call him "ex-fiance." She and ex-fiance were engaged 3 separate times but never made it down the aisle for various reasons. He called it off the 1st time, she did the 2nd time. He would come on strong at first, then after he would propose he would slowly drift away and lose interest. When she first started working on my floor she was dating a guy named "Jay." Around her birthday in July her ex-fiance showed up at her door with a fancy new ring and promising her the world. Unable to say no to 12 years of history she accepted and broke up with Jay. This was now engagement #3 for them. As the months went by though, he did what he always did. He drifted away and didn't feel the need to rush to get married. He thought they were doing fine and felt she was pressuring him. She tired of that and engagement #3 was called off. So that's where she was in her life when she and I started spending time together. Now back to the story.

 

January went by and we didn't see each other outside of work anymore. We didn't even have lunch at work together anymore. I wanted to, but I also didn't want to force anything after she had made her feelings on the matter clear. We're into February and one day I'm at home and I get a text. "Hey what's the name of the hiking trail you told me about? My friend and I want to check it out." I let her know and she responds "Wanna be our guide?" I jump at the chance to spend some time with her and pick her and her friend up. We go hiking and have a great time. The next week she asks if I want to go on another hike. This time it'll be just us. Again I jump at the opportunity. Then it begins. 2 and a half months of spending the majority of our time together. There were times that we'd see each other every day of the week. Dinner, movies, hikes, bike rides, staying in and cooking a meal. I met her friends, she met mine. She invited me to church with her. Friends would ask me if we were dating and I would say "No...not really..." Their response was always "Dude, you guys are dating. Everything you 2 do screams dating." She and I never addressed it though. She had said she just wanted to be friends and I left it at that. I didn't want to bring it up and have her say something like "I thought I said I wanted to be friends?" Of course I wasn't liking her any less though. I never stopped liking her and now I was seeing her on an almost daily basis. Nothing physical ever happened between us. We just spent lots and lots of time together.

 

Eventually I stopped enjoying how things were going. I still loved our time together, but it was killing me not knowing where we stood. I needed to say something. Turns out I would get my answer soon enough. One Saturday night I'm getting ready for bed and she sends me a text "Hey my ex just called me and said he was going to church tomorrow." I replied "Ok...should I not go?" She insisted that I go, and said she didn't think he'd really go anyways. I say ok, and go to bed feeling uneasy about it. The next morning she says she'll just meet me there instead of me picking her up like I always did. She says she needs to be there a bit early. I say ok and head to church. She's not there early like she said she would be. 10 mins pass...20...then 25 mins in she walks in...with her ex fiancé. Needless to say I sneak out a bit early. We don't talk the rest of that day. The next day at work it's awkward and we avoid each other. Finally after work I call her and we agree to meet up and have a talk. We had a long discussion about our feelings. I admitted that even though I said I was ok with being friends, I still was hoping for more. She admitted that she always knew that and that she was at fault too. She said her friends said the same things to her that mine said to me. She said "we've been dating even if we never called it that." She said she felt like she had a boyfriend without actually having a boyfriend, but that it wasn't fair to me and she should've stopped things earlier. She said she always knew things would only get to a certain point with me because she still wasn't over her ex fiancé.

 

It sucked. We were now into May, and we tried keeping things as normal as possible at work. We greeted each other but there was nothing more than that. I was looking forward to the end of the month because I had a vacation scheduled. And it turned out that she had a vacation scheduled right after mine. We would have 3 full weeks away from each other. My vacation came and went. She was off on her vacation. We were now into June. It had been a month since we stopped things. She comes back to work and we ask each other how our vacations went. We talk about. She suggests that we have lunch sometime and trade trip stories and share pictures. I say sure. That weekend we have lunch. And then it starts up again.

 

We're back to hanging out again. I tell myself not to get my hopes up, but I do. My friends tell me not to fall into that routine again, but I do. It felt different this time. That sounds naive, but I really felt like it was different this time. She seemed to flirt more, she seemed more eager to see me. We talked about taking vacations together. She told me that she had finally closed the door on her ex fiancé, and she was happy with where she was in life. One day we were in my car and her dad called. Her phone was connected to my bluetooth and she took the call. After asking how she was and talking for a bit, his very next question was to ask how I was. I was shocked. I didn't know that he knew about me. On top of that he asked about me right away. "He's right here" she says. That turned into me having a conversation with her dad. This had to mean something right? I took it as a great sign that her dad knew and cared enough to ask about me. Her birthday came around and I did a lot for her. She hadn't been back home in a couple of years so I took it upon myself to buy her a roundtrip back home so she could see her parents. I bought her a couple of other gifts too. Things were going great, or so I thought.

 

A few weeks ago it hit me that she had become a little more distant. She was busy a couple weekends in a row so we hadn't seen each other. I'd ask her to hangout and she would say she'd get back to me, but she never would. There was a day that she didn't answer any texts or my call. She sent me a text the next day thats he just needed some time to relax after a long week. I decided to take her to lunch the next Monday at work. She ended up calling in sick though. I shoot her a text to say that I hope she feels better and ask if there's anything I can do. No response. After work I'm driving home and I pass her favorite pho place. I get the idea to pick her up some and stop by her place. I knock on her door and she's happy to see me. She hadn't eaten all day so she was happy to see the food too. We spend some time chatting while we eat. She starts telling me that she feels like she's in a transition period in her life. She's looking for a new job, she's looking for a new apartment, she finally moved past her ex fiancé. With that she added, "part of moving on from him was realizing how I treated Jay (the guy she broke up with last year for her ex fiancé) and I felt like I needed to apologize to him because he didn't deserve that." We keep talking some more and finally I say, "hey we haven't gone out in a couple of weeks. We should do something this weekend." She responds with, "Yeah for sure. I'm not sure if Jay and I are doing anything Saturday. If we don't then you and I can do something. If not Saturday then Sunday for sure."

 

I don't really know what to say so I just nod my head. After a few moments of silence I say "So...you and Jay? Is this a thing now? You're spending time with him?" She says "Yeah I think so. I'm gonna see where this goes." I've tried to remember what we said after that but honestly I think I zoned out because it caught me so off guard. All I know is that I went home not too long after that and we barely spoke the next day at work. Later that week I ask if we can meet up after work and talk. We meet up at a coffee shop and I tell her that I'm so confused. I thought she and I were headed somewhere. To my surprise she tries to turn it on me. She says to me "I think you just read things the wrong way. Don't you think it's possible that you took things a certain way when all we were doing was being friends?" That surprised me. I felt like she was basically telling me that I imagined everything. I gave her some examples of all the time we spent together, planning vacations, the flirting, etc. Things that in my mind people that are just "friends" don't do. She admits that we spent more time together than normal friends would. I tell her that I feel like I was just a distraction for her while she worked through things. Twice. With two different guys. She says she can see why I would feel that way but that it was never her intention to do that. We talk some more and at the end we agree to remain friends and try to keep things from being awkward at work.

 

Now I know how these things work. It's not that easy to remain friends. It's possible, and I've done it before but you need time away from the person. Still we said we'd just be friends from now on. That weekend I was at home when one of my cats was attacked by a dog. I rush her to the vet and end up spending $500. I text a few of my friends including her the same text message. "Well my weekend is off to a great start. My cat was attacked by a dog and I'm broke now." Everyone replied but her. The next Monday at work we don't speak. As I'm leaving for the day, I run into her and she asks how my weekend was. I say "My cat was attacked...I spent a lot of money...I sent you a text remember?" She replies "Oh that's right." That's all she says. I tell her to have a good evening and I leave. Towards the end of the week, we wind up in the break room at the same time and things seem a bit awkward. I ask her why she's so quiet and she says "I don't know how to interact with you anymore." I say to her "what are you talking about? We said we'd remain friends. I sent you a text about my cat last weekend and you didn't respond." She says "I didn't respond because I don't want our texts to lead to another round of you and I hanging out." I get instantly annoyed. My text about the cat was sent to a handful of friends, not just her. I didn't send it to her to try to create some conversation that would lead to us hanging out. I ask her if we can take a walk so we could talk this out. She says no. She says she's not ready to have another deep conversation with me again, but that we'll talk soon. She says to just give her some time to come around.

 

That was 2 weeks ago. We haven't talked since. We pass each other at work and don't even acknowledge each other. 2 things really bother me. 1. It bothers me that she took that text about my cat a certain way and she won't let me explain. 2. I think back to our conversation when she said that she thinks I just read into things more than I should have. I have no doubt that I did at times. it's obvious that this experience meant more to me than it did to her. But i didn't imagine it. When she said that I gave her some examples but I don't feel like I really got my point across. Her own words prove that I didn't just imagine things. She told me in the past that what we were doing was dating even if we never called it that. She said that having me around was like having a boyfriend. her friends thought we were dating. There's no way for me to read into those things the wrong way. They mean exactly what they mean. She knew that things were blurry between us at times. It wasn't all in my head.

 

I know that a lot if not most of this is on me too. She told me from the start that she wanted to be friends. Sure she initiated hanging out on more than once, but I knew that she wasn't that into me. I kept getting my hopes up when I very clearly had my answer. Especially after she brought ex fiancé to church. I've been single for so long that I think I just really liked being into someone so much. So I just chose to ignore all the signs. I also could've spoken up a lot sooner. I know I've been single for a long time, and I'm rusty but I'm also a grown man that should be able to speak up and clarify things. We both could've handled things differently. It just really bothers me that she's framed it as me reading too much into things.

 

After 2 weeks of silence I think I've realized that when she said she needs time to come around, she's really just saying that she's done with this whole thing and doesn't want to talk about it anymore. It's hard seeing her at work. I avoid running into her as much as possible but it's impossible not to. We were always together at work so people have noticed that things are different. They ask if something happened between us. I'm sure they've asked her too.

 

So yeah that's where I am now. Again, I know that a lot of the blame is mine, but I can't help but feel used. I feel dumb that I chose to ignore all the signs that this wasn't going anywhere. I really do think it has a lot to do with being single for so long and not realizing how much it would affect me to like someone. I don't think that she set out to hurt me. I don't think she wanted to use me. I don't think she's a bad person. I think she handled things the wrong way. In the end though I still feel this way whether she did it on purpose or not. I'm not sure if she and I will be friends in the future.

 

Thanks again for reading if you've made it this far. I think this is all I have to say. If I think of anything else I'll edit or comment.

[preraph]

It's sad that she can't just be more direct, but she does work with you so she's walking on eggshells. But she is not interested in you in a romantic way. I think she relaxes for a bit once she thinks you've maybe moved on and feels safe to just be friendly again, but it's not her coming on to you or wanting to be together.

[road]

Another example of why men and women can not be friends.

 

She is a player.

 

She played you like a Stradivarius.

[Imajerk17]

Well, what is unclear to me (forgive me if I missed anything) was whether or not anything physical happened between the two of you. Did you make a physical move at all? I mean, the natural order of things is to have talks about where things are going, but AFTER the two of you are physical.

 

I am sorry but I think friendship if ever would be extremely awkward. And why would you even want to be her friend anyway. She chose Jay after hanging out w you all this time. And she never bothered to respond when you were in need and had to take your pet to the vet. Geez Louise. Meanwhile, she herself knows that was poor on her part. Have as little contact w her as possible, you deserve better than this.

 

Mods please take this ediited version instead--thanks!