In a desperate situation,

[Elsinwonderlandx]

Hi,

 

I'm a 21 year old female and recently I have been speaking to a guy online who I met on instagram. We've been talking all day everyday for the past week, only thing is he lives a 4 hour drive away from me. I know it's been a week but both of us feel this unreal connection that we've never had before, it's so strange and neither of us can believe it. He's actually willing to move closer to me so we can make something work. All sounds good... but...

 

First of all, my mum is not understanding at all. I live with her and have never really had much independence, I make my life choices on whether she agrees with them or not disputed the fact that I'm 21 now. If I told her I was speaking to this guy and considering moving in with him where we're both closer to each other, she'd go mental. I'd be terrified to tell her.

 

Also, what are me and this guy meant to do until he moves closer down to me? My mind is completely all over the place. There's no way I can put an end to us talking, neither of us could do it. We talk on the phone constantly and it's just amazing. But today my mind has been running wild with the thoughts concerning my mother and what me and this guy will do until he moves. I feel desperate to see him and it hurts that he's so far away.

[d0nnivain]

Understand that until you meet in person, this "connection" is a fairytale that you have concocted. He is a stranger.

 

Have you even Skyped or Facetimed? How do you know he's real & you are not being catfished?

 

It's been one week. Nobody should be talking about moving. That is unrealistic. You also can't go live with somebody you don't know. Of course your mother would go mental if you told her that. It's an unsound idea. I'd tell you what it really is but I'd get kicked off LS.

 

What you do at this point is meet in the middle. You drive 2 hours. He drives 2 hours. You have lunch. Then you both turn around & go home. After you do that a few times, then you can talk about one of you driving the full 4 hours to spend more time with the other.

 

In 6+ months, if he wants to relocate that is fine but you don't go from an LDR to living together. The change is too great. You date conventionally for a while. After you have done than for more than 1 year IF you both have good jobs & can afford an apartment alone then & only then do you talk about living together.

 

Get your foot off the gas, girlfriend. You are going to crash & burn at this breakneck speed.

[ExpatInItaly]

You're getting way ahead of yourself.

 

Meet him in person. Get to know him. A week is nowhere near enough time to make any plans for the future beyond having a first meeting. You need much more than 7 days of talking to decide if you will even work together as a couple, so your fretting right now is wasted emotional energy.

 

Slow down. A lot. Rushing like this is not good and almost always ends in disaster, because so many expectations are built up that reality just can't compete with. Your mom would be right to lose her mind in a situation like this; you need to exercise far stronger boundaries and better judgement.

[Whodatdog]

You are having a relationship with a phone screen. Its easy to do, you enjoy the attention. But it is not a relationship, in any shape or form. You have no idea who you are talking with, it could be a girl for all you know.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I can see the desperation dripping from your post and THAT is very concerning to me.

 

First of all, 4 hours away barely qualifies as long distance. It's an afternoon trip at best and if you meet halfway, which is highly recommended initially, it's basically the equivalent to a commute to work many people do everyday.

 

Second, you met on social media which, as most of us already know, isn't exactly the hallmark of a fairy tale happy ending. You need to keep things in perspective.

 

Finally, it's been ONE BLOODY WEEK! You need to seriously chill out. It's dangerous to make life altering decisions based on knowing someone for only 7 days. And I don't care if you talk on the phone for 6 hours every night. That alone isn't enough to hang your hat on and call it a day.

 

Baby steps OP. Slow and steady wins the race.

[umirano]

Read and re-read the above posts carefully, and really try to let the words sink in. I have been in your situation. You're on a high right now, very much like a drug high, only it's more powerful, lasts longer and doesn't affect your motor skills.

 

As I said, I have been in your exact shoes and the above advice is true to the last word. You both are not in reality what you think of each other. The mind fills all the gaps that necessarily are left when only engaging each other virtually. Butterflies feel good, and more importantly, they feel right, and criticism only taints the nice picture. You came here for an honest outside perspective though, and that's an excellent idea.

 

It's so easy to get satisfaction from a virtual 'soul mate', from an online romance that has no consequences in reality. It will become addictive and you will feel like you're flying half the time. Eventually reality will settle in and things suddenly will look quite differently.

 

Make a conscious effort to dial back the sweet talk, the sugar coating, the butterflies and all that. It's really easy to escape into a virtual relationship. Talk to him, say, twice a week for an hour. That makes it more special and you will actually concentrate on each other and make these occasions count. Then meet up in reality and slowly take it from there. The six months-to one year plan that one poster above suggested sounds quite reasonable. Take it step by step. Look at the next step, not what you imagine to be the far future. This is to manage expectations. Keep in mind, you barely know each other, despite what you may believe.

[Elsinwonderlandx]

So I have been speaking to a guy for a while now and we've gotten to the point where we really want to meet up, it's a 4 hour drive and he said he'll happily come down to me. I've been worried about telling my mum about this for ages now, even though I'm 21 she has massive control issues but she see's it as protecting me. So the other night I finally decided to tell her that I've been speaking to someone who's the same age as me, who has a good job etc, and that we want to meet up. She went absolutely crazy .. and I mean crazy. She told me that if I carry on speaking to him then she's going to kick me out, and change the locks when I'm not home. She said she'll cancel my phone contract and internet connection. (I pay for my phone but it's been in her name since I was about 13). She told me that if I decide to carry on talking to him then I have to leave because it won't be happening under her roof. Yesterday morning after all the carnage, we didn't speak once about it. I left to go to work without saying bye, and I got back at about 8pm .. she was on the phone to my sister, I asked my sister what was said on the phone and she said how my mum was saying how she thinks I'm naive and foolish in relationships and that's why she won't allow it to happen. We haven't spoke about it since, not once. She's made a couple comments like "you really do make the worst decisions and get away with yourself" I just didn't respond.

 

Now j just constantly feel sick, I'm 21 years old this should not be happening to me. I am still in contact with this guy a lot, and I really really want to see him and the feeling is mutual. But how on earth am I meant to bring this up to my mother again when I do decide that I'm 100% ready to see him? She goes like a psychopath and that's the truth. I'm at a dead end situation. People have said I should move out, but I really cannot afford it at all. If I bring it up she will go crazy once again and start on with all the threats, god forbid what she'd do. And if I meet him without telling her then she'd only find out anyway because I'm pretty sure it would become a regular thing. In a desperate situation right now.

[d0nnivain]

Your mother's reaction is extreme. I can understand her being concerned. I can't understand her threatening to kick you out & change the locks.

 

Your mother is concerned because she thinks you are naïve & make bad decisions. You need to show her she's wrong & the first step is to be adult enough to talk to her. Discuss the logistics of this meet with her. Find out what precautions will make her happy. DO acknowledge that she's being like this because she loves you & wants to keep you safe.

 

Meeting somebody from OL is not as strange as it once was. Meeting in a public place in broad daylight should be fine.

 

See if you can enlist your sister's help to calm mom down.

[Elsinwonderlandx]

Your mother's reaction is extreme. I can understand her being concerned. I can't understand her threatening to kick you out & change the locks.

 

Your mother is concerned because she thinks you are naïve & make bad decisions. You need to show her she's wrong & the first step is to be adult enough to talk to her. Discuss the logistics of this meet with her. Find out what precautions will make her happy. DO acknowledge that she's being like this because she loves you & wants to keep you safe.

 

Meeting somebody from OL is not as strange as it once was. Meeting in a public place in broad daylight should be fine.

 

See if you can enlist your sister's help to calm mom down.

 

Hi,

 

I have tried to talk to her calmly but she just screams at me and goes crazy, there's nothing me and my sister can say to convince her that this isn't wrong. I get scared of her to the point where my anxiety is at it's worst.

[d0nnivain]

But what did you say to her? If my 21 year old daughter said to me what you posted in your 1st thread -- that after talking to some guy on the internet for a mere one week she was thinking about moving in with him, I'd freak out too.

 

You have to prove to her that you are an adult that can make her own decisions. That may entail getting a job & moving out with a roommate. I was older then you with a good job when I first moved out & my mom wasn't sure I was ready for it. Mom's worry.

[Elsinwonderlandx]

But what did you say to her? If my 21 year old daughter said to me what you posted in your 1st thread -- that after talking to some guy on the internet for a mere one week she was thinking about moving in with him, I'd freak out too.

 

You have to prove to her that you are an adult that can make her own decisions. That may entail getting a job & moving out with a roommate. I was older then you with a good job when I first moved out & my mom wasn't sure I was ready for it. Mom's worry.

 

I told her that I've been speaking to someone and that I would like to meet up with them just to spend the day, in a public place of course. That was enough to make her go crazy despite me explaining that the intentions were not bad.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I told her that I've been speaking to someone and that I would like to meet up with them just to spend the day, in a public place of course. That was enough to make her go crazy despite me explaining that the intentions were not bad.

 

How did you meet this man? Was it through gaming? An online dating site/app? Facebook? Instagram?

[1fish2fish]

I grew up with a very controlling mother, too, and at 21 yo, while in college (I commuted from home because I wasn't allowed to attend an out of state school), I had a 9pm curfew and wasn't allowed to date.

 

Sadly, I think there's a more underlying issue here with your mother, and unless you start making plans to move out and live independently, she's going to continue to try and control your life.

[justwhoiam]

I am just wondering: don't you have any friends?

You now have two choices: stand your ground and start living your life, or stay with your mother and keep fighting with her.

Or, if you can afford it, take her to a psychologist or a therapist to have a session together and see if you both need help (very likely).

[JohnJaz30]

Hi,

 

I'm a 21 year old female and recently I have been speaking to a guy online who I met on instagram. We've been talking all day everyday for the past week, only thing is he lives a 4 hour drive away from me. I know it's been a week but both of us feel this unreal connection that we've never had before, it's so strange and neither of us can believe it. He's actually willing to move closer to me so we can make something work. All sounds good... but...

 

First of all, my mum is not understanding at all. I live with her and have never really had much independence, I make my life choices on whether she agrees with them or not disputed the fact that I'm 21 now. If I told her I was speaking to this guy and considering moving in with him where we're both closer to each other, she'd go mental. I'd be terrified to tell her.

 

Also, what are me and this guy meant to do until he moves closer down to me? My mind is completely all over the place. There's no way I can put an end to us talking, neither of us could do it. We talk on the phone constantly and it's just amazing. But today my mind has been running wild with the thoughts concerning my mother and what me and this guy will do until he moves. I feel desperate to see him and it hurts that he's so far away.

 

Hi.

You haven't mentioned if you have seen this guy via a webcam / online chat. Maybe if you start having a video call to get to know each other and then introduce him to your mum, she would may be comprehend and then you can work out a solution together. Best of luck.

[BaileyB]

So I have been speaking to a guy for a while now and we've gotten to the point where we really want to meet up, it's a 4 hour drive and he said he'll happily come down to me. I've been worried about telling my mum about this for ages now, even though I'm 21 she has massive control issues but she see's it as protecting me. So the other night I finally decided to tell her that I've been speaking to someone who's the same age as me, who has a good job etc, and that we want to meet up. She went absolutely crazy .. and I mean crazy. She told me that if I carry on speaking to him then she's going to kick me out, and change the locks when I'm not home. She said she'll cancel my phone contract and internet connection. (I pay for my phone but it's been in her name since I was about 13). She told me that if I decide to carry on talking to him then I have to leave because it won't be happening under her roof. Yesterday morning after all the carnage, we didn't speak once about it. I left to go to work without saying bye, and I got back at about 8pm .. she was on the phone to my sister, I asked my sister what was said on the phone and she said how my mum was saying how she thinks I'm naive and foolish in relationships and that's why she won't allow it to happen. We haven't spoke about it since, not once. She's made a couple comments like "you really do make the worst decisions and get away with yourself" I just didn't respond.

 

Now j just constantly feel sick, I'm 21 years old this should not be happening to me. I am still in contact with this guy a lot, and I really really want to see him and the feeling is mutual. But how on earth am I meant to bring this up to my mother again when I do decide that I'm 100% ready to see him? She goes like a psychopath and that's the truth. I'm at a dead end situation. People have said I should move out, but I really cannot afford it at all. If I bring it up she will go crazy once again and start on with all the threats, god forbid what she'd do. And if I meet him without telling her then she'd only find out anyway because I'm pretty sure it would become a regular thing. In a desperate situation right now.

 

Your post sounds like a child throwing a tantrum because she can not get what she wants. If you are 21 years old, you are old enough to know that it is very poor judgment to even consider moving in with a man that you have not met - that you have actually only known for a week.

 

If you want to be treated like an adult, act like an adult.

[diddilybop]

agreed. you're getting all emotionally charged at your mom and your situation over a guy who you've only known for a week and NEVER met? also, the fact that you haven't even considered or responded to any of our advice seriously shows me you're in no shape emotionally to even meet this guy. i wouldn't call this a desperate situation, it's more of a case of where it's time for you to grow up and learn to be an adult.

[Caramelpopcorn]

What's the problem here? Really? Just keep chatting normal, think of him as a potential for now, if it's meant to be you'll never lose him. Try to meet him soon, mommy doesn't need to know you've met. Your mom won't tell you all her secrets, we all have them. So keep it to yourself for now.

 

If you keep meeting back and forth and decide oh this could actually workout, then plan on moving out and have him join you. You can tell your mother later once you do have a legit solid REAL relationship. What could she basically say to that!?