Controlling mother who won't let me be an adult

[Elsinwonderlandx]

So I have been speaking to a guy for a while now and we've gotten to the point where we really want to meet up, it's a 4 hour drive and he said he'll happily come down to me. I've been worried about telling my mum about this for ages now, even though I'm 21 she has massive control issues but she see's it as protecting me. So the other night I finally decided to tell her that I've been speaking to someone who's the same age as me, who has a good job etc, and that we want to meet up. She went absolutely crazy .. and I mean crazy. She told me that if I carry on speaking to him then she's going to kick me out, and change the locks when I'm not home. She said she'll cancel my phone contract and internet connection. (I pay for my phone but it's been in her name since I was about 13). She told me that if I decide to carry on talking to him then I have to leave because it won't be happening under her roof. Yesterday morning after all the carnage, we didn't speak once about it. I left to go to work without saying bye, and I got back at about 8pm .. she was on the phone to my sister, I asked my sister what was said on the phone and she said how my mum was saying how she thinks I'm naive and foolish in relationships and that's why she won't allow it to happen. We haven't spoke about it since, not once. She's made a couple comments like "you really do make the worst decisions and get away with yourself" I just didn't respond.

 

Now j just constantly feel sick, I'm 21 years old this should not be happening to me. I am still in contact with this guy a lot, and I really really want to see him and the feeling is mutual. But how on earth am I meant to bring this up to my mother again when I do decide that I'm 100% ready to see him? She goes like a psychopath and that's the truth. I'm at a dead end situation. People have said I should move out, but I really cannot afford it at all. If I bring it up she will go crazy once again and start on with all the threats, god forbid what she'd do. And if I meet him without telling her then she'd only find out anyway because I'm pretty sure it would become a regular thing. In a desperate situation right now.

[d0nnivain]

This is actually a double post.

 

If you said to your mom, any of the stuff from your first post -- talk about moving in with this guy you haven't met yet after talking to him for only one week -- I can see why she's reluctant to let you make your own decisions.

 

You need to prove to her that you are more mature & have a good head on your shoulders. When you do that, she will power down.

[Elsinwonderlandx]

This is actually a double post.

 

If you said to your mom, any of the stuff from your first post -- talk about moving in with this guy you haven't met yet after talking to him for only one week -- I can see why she's reluctant to let you make your own decisions.

 

You need to prove to her that you are more mature & have a good head on your shoulders. When you do that, she will power down.

 

Do you have any idea how I could word it to her without her going crazy? (This is unlikely) i try so hard but she just goes mental every time.

[d0nnivain]

I'd ask her why she's so freaked out. Let her spill it out. If she raises her voice, you whisper more quietly to get her to stop yelling.

 

When she expresses a concern, ask how that could be addressed. For example:

 

Mom: what if he's an axe murderer?

 

You: If you let me borrow your credit card, I can run a criminal back ground check on him & we'll both know he's not an axe murderer. If he is, I promise to stop talking to him.

 

Mom: What if he tries to rape you?

 

You: We're going to be at a Starbucks, Denny's (wherever you are going) with lots of other people around in broad day light. I'm not going to a motel with him. I could just as easily be mugged on my way to school / church / the grocery store. You can't protect me from going outside, plus there are home invasions. I will call you from the car when I pull in the parking lot & I will call you when the date is over. If I don't call you within 2 hours you can call the police. OK?

 

Mom: How do you know he's who he says he is?

 

You: We've Skyped / Facetimed. Would you like to talk to him? I can make that happen.

[BaileyB]

This is actually a double post.

 

If you said to your mom, any of the stuff from your first post -- talk about moving in with this guy you haven't met yet after talking to him for only one week -- I can see why she's reluctant to let you make your own decisions.

 

You need to prove to her that you are more mature & have a good head on your shoulders. When you do that, she will power down.

 

 

My goodness, I can understand why your mom went a little crazy... I would have too.

 

Donnivain is right, you need to show her that you can be a mature responsible adults. And adults know that it's totally irresponsible to think about moving in with someone before they have dated for a year. It takes time to build a relationship, start by telling her that you would like to meet this kid... For coffee or an ice cream.

 

In all seriousness, you have not met this young man yet. You don't know anything about him. I can't tell you how many men I have talked to online who I thought were "perfect" only to meet them in person and realize that I never wanted to see them again. Take it slow, build trust, and see what happens...

[preraph]

It's time for you to move out. You are not an adult if you have never lived not under your mother's wing. I'm not saying you're unusually old to be living at home, but you can't convince anyone you can make your own decisions if you've never lived independently and paid your own way and shown that type of responsibility. If you're in school, tough it out until you can get a job and then get two jobs and then wade in slowly into dating and date someone near your age (not saying he isn't) and from within your own acquaintances so you know something about him before you go placing your naive self at risk meeting a stranger somewhere.

 

I am telling you to please believe this: You cannot know whether someone is a good person just from talking to them online and seeing only what they want you to see. It's best to be able to observe them in society and get an overview before you trust someone.

 

It's her rules, her house. Get two jobs once you're out of school and get your own place but be careful. Older people know the dangers a lot better than young people usually do.