In limbo, what am I to do?

[Ladybug434]

So ill try keep it simple but not sure how well that will go. I have a boyfriend we have children together and we are also engaged. We have been going through a really hard time lately and although we are trying to make it work it just isn't. I'm not ready to finish the relationship as such just yet as I want to give everything I have to know I've done what I can for us. But it's not looking good.

Also

This is the confusing bit. So I have liked this guy for years like since I was young (about 12 l'm 30 now) I think I may even love him. But here's the thing he's my friends brother and he's in a relationship and has kids with a friend of mine and they are due to get married. Also he has had a short term relationship in the past with my sister.

 

Let me explain a little more.

i say friend we never really speak if she wasn't with this guy shes in a relationship with who happens to be my friends brother we wouldn't be friends, its only through this situation that we are still in touch. She really isn't a very nice person and is quite horrible to this guy and it cripples me when shes nasty to him. I think he feels he has to stay in the relationship for the children. I don't get to see him very often as she doesn't really let him leave the house without her unless he goes to work. He used to be happy and have friends but since being with her he doesn't smile anymore, he has no friends left and I've heard they argue quite alot. It's not good but he's staying for the children because there have been threats in the past that if he leaves he won't see the kids.

It breaks my heart.

And the past with my sister I can imagine it would be an awkward convo but I'm hoping she would be ok with as she is planning a family and wedding with her long term partner and is happy.

In the past I have had vibes here and there that he likes me or has liked me at some point, also something that he had said to his sister (my friend) before about me And I think this is whats keeping me 'attached'.

I think my question would be really is, if I ever had the opportunity to speak to him about all this what would I say? We hardly ever see eachother and if we do his girlfriend is there

Please just know that my priority is his happiness, if there is a way for him to stay with his current partner and be happy I would completely wish him the best with this but it's unlikely as she is like I said a horrible person.

My friend, his sister, knows all about how I feel I have told her everything. She is the only person that knows.

Any suggestions would be awesome and if you need anymore gaps filling then just ask. I feel like I could have wrote alot more but I didn't want this to be a novel. Lol

Thanks

Edited August 12, 2017 by Ladybug434

[pheonixrisen]

You are not ready to give up your marriage before you have done everything to save it ...

 

And in the next breath your steps are towards starting an affair !

 

The state of your marriage is not good and you are worried about his ..

 

What's between him and his wife is not your business he is a big boy and can /Should take care of himself

 

Why don't you take a good look at your husband instead of someone elses may be there is a woman out there saying the exact same thing about him

Never happy /His wife is crappy .ripe for an affair .

 

So turn your self around March right back to your home at take care of your own business first .

 

If not then divorce...handling a problem in a marriage by looking to start something with someone else is not the solution .

[Ladybug434]

You are not ready to give up your marriage before you have done everything to save it ...

 

And in the next breath your steps are towards starting an affair !

 

The state of your marriage is not good and you are worried about his ..

 

What's between him and his wife is not your business he is a big boy and can /Should take care of himself

 

Why don't you take a good look at your husband instead of someone elses may be there is a woman out there saying the exact same thing about him

Never happy /His wife is crappy .ripe for an affair .

 

So turn your self around March right back to your home at take care of your own business first .

 

If not then divorce...handling a problem in a marriage by looking to start something with someone else is not the solution .

No I would never cheat I'm not like that, and neither is the guy I'm talking about. But your right he is a big boy and should look after himself but I can't help but care for him. Thanks you've given me some stuff to think about. Appreciate it!

[whichwayisup]

Maybe it's time to focus more on reconnecting with your husband and bonding with him, having family time with your children instead of focusing on a MM and his situation at home. Neither of you are leaving and divorcing your spouses, right? Let's say he left his wife, would you up and divorce your husband, split up your family unit?

[BaileyB]

To be blunt, you have no business interfering or worrying about their marriage. He is a big boy and he can deal with his own relationships.

 

You, must sort out whether you want to stay married, or not.

 

I don't think that it is wise to ever consider a relationship with this man... it's just way too messy. There are children involved, family connections, ex-spouses, etc... It would be way too complicated for me to get involved.

Edited August 13, 2017 by BaileyB

[Ladybug434]

Maybe it's time to focus more on reconnecting with your husband and bonding with him, having family time with your children instead of focusing on a MM and his situation at home. Neither of you are leaving and divorcing your spouses, right? Let's say he left his wife, would you up and divorce your husband, split up your family unit?

We have been trying to reconnect for the past 10-11 months, I don't feel about him now how I used to and I don't think I ever will again. Something switched in me I had had enough of being his doormat. Even though he is trying his best to make up for it, it's not changing the way I feel about him now, it's like I snapped and Its never going to be the same. The MM would never be the reason I split my family unit, its almost split because of the way my partner had treated me over the years and I feel there's too much water gone under the bridge unfortunately. Thankyou for you words

[Ladybug434]

To be blunt, you have no business interfering or worrying about their marriage. He is a big boy and he can deal with his own relationships.

 

You, must sort out whether you want to stay married, or not.

 

I don't think that it is wise to ever consider a relationship with this man... it's just way too messy. There are children involved, family connections, ex-spouses, etc... It would be way too complicated for me to get involved.

No I could never interfere, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing I could have split up a family due to my interference. I just care deeply for him and I know he's going through a tuff time and he hasn't got enough support around him to guide him or help him through it. He basically has to ask permission to visit his own family and if he's gone too long he has 40 odd missed calls from her. He's essentially trapped. Thankyou!

[pheonixrisen]

We have been trying to reconnect for the past 10-11 months, I don't feel about him now how I used to and I don't think I ever will again. Something switched in me I had had enough of being his doormat. Even though he is trying his best to make up for it, it's not changing the way I feel about him now, it's like I snapped and Its never going to be the same. The MM would never be the reason I split my family unit, its almost split because of the way my partner had treated me over the years and I feel there's too much water gone under the bridge unfortunately. Thankyou for you words

 

This is understandable ...if you don't feel anymore you cannot force it life is short .but handle it first whether you decide to stay or go do it without adding a outside person .for the sake and sanity of your own family .

[Ladybug434]

This is understandable ...if you don't feel anymore you cannot force it life is short .but handle it first whether you decide to stay or go do it without adding a outside person .for the sake and sanity of your own family .

Yes of course. I am worried how my children will handle the split my boys are quite emotional so it scares me how they will react to it and one of them is starting secondary school in the next few weeks, hes goin to go through a big change with that alone. I couldn't split just yet for that reason (not the sole reason but a big one) I'm worried such a big change in life all at once could affect him immensely . Our children are the ones keeping us together atm it's all for them. Thankyou for your reply

[whichwayisup]

We have been trying to reconnect for the past 10-11 months, I don't feel about him now how I used to and I don't think I ever will again. Something switched in me I had had enough of being his doormat. Even though he is trying his best to make up for it, it's not changing the way I feel about him now, it's like I snapped and Its never going to be the same. The MM would never be the reason I split my family unit, its almost split because of the way my partner had treated me over the years and I feel there's too much water gone under the bridge unfortunately. Thankyou for you words

 

Then do the kind thing, divorce and set your husband free. That way you both can move on.

 

It won't be the same because you're still loving MM and having an A. Your H never had a chance as long as contact with MM was still happening. You both can share custody of your kids and have a good parenting relationship as mom and dad.