Fiancée and mother of child broke up with me and left

[Jman220]

Where to begin ?

 

So wee been together 6 years and have a 3.5 year old daughter.

 

We always had a good eex life before our child was born, then things dwindlllsd. I think is important to add that she was 6 weeks Prem and we had a long month or so in the hospital together in tears worrying she wouldn't pull through. At this same time we found out her mother had embezzled 5k from her and had a gambling addiction. This out immense pressure on us all and meant we both agreed not to let our child be up there. Therefore- in the last 3.5 years we've had one weekend away together- which we had Dec and had a good time.

 

My fiancée is very closed and doesn't talk much, she often won't say something but will show in other ways. I am very open and not as emotionally strong as her. I have some issues from childhood (mother left us) which make me find rejection difficult- moreso that usual.

 

Anyways- gradually no sex and little affection took its toll and I because cantacerous and bitter naturally. I provide them wth a beautiful home, nice car, ring, holidays. The best j can because I love them both. I began to hold these against her saying she was just using me for the money. 6 weeks ago we had a row and I snapped and said I'd had enough, she didn't love me clearly and may as well leave as she won't even cuddle me anymore. She did..

 

My world crumbled, i begged and pleaded at first as I was literally distraught to not have them and especially my daughter at home. When she left she said

 

"I'm leaving you and we're over. I'm not sayin this is irreparable and there may be hope for a future but right now I'm done with you"

 

Last year we booked a fortnight in Disneyworld, she says she still wants to come for our child and that if there was no hope she wouldn't come at all. I am better off fincabcilly and I've given her my car and she still wears her engagement ring.

 

Since moving into her new place she's said several mixed messages including -

 

"I'm riding this 6 month lease our no matter what"

"This place is lots cheaper than ours which would be anigjr away a month to work on us"

"I haven't been interested in you for the last 2 years sexually"

"I swear On our child's life there's never been anyone else and I won't be getting involved with anyone, if you do I will never get back with you"

"I want to rebuild and start over but it not making a commitment as if that doesn't happen it will break our heart again"

 

It's all really confusing. I went LC after 3 weeks and she began to open up more, she's asked me once a week to go out with or child and I haven't brought "it" up. We've been getting along better and she invited me in their new home now also.

 

I know she still cares and I know 100% there is no one else- but she said she doesn't love me that way anymore. I think there may be a physiological issue from the baby- alikening sex to that hue trauma we went though? But I can't see her ever having counselling.

 

I was controlling at the end of the relationship, and I think sex was always her way of getting even. Now I have no control and everything is on her terms. We both love our kid and I know family time makes us all happy. But ultimately I need some intimacy from my partner and that's what's caused this.

 

We're going to Florida in just over a week... we've agreed to just have a nice time and see how things go. We certainly won't be in bed together as she's incredibly stubborn, but I want to build on things and show her our family is more important than sex and any other problem. She has a tendency to bury her head in the sand and this needs to be dealt with for us to reconcile- but ATM she doesn't want to.

 

All her friends and family give the exact same version of events and I really do believe what she's saying. She doesn't know what to do and doesn't want things to be how they were at the end. Neither do I. But she needs to realise that she has to want to repair this for us to be a family. It's crippling not having my child and my family at home. I miss them so much. I'm past the intial stage and thinking things through a little more. But I need some advixe.

 

I'm having counselling for my emotional issues, which she knows. I'm also working lots and doing activities with friends. But this split is consuming me I think about it ALL the time !

[preraph]

I'm glad you're in counseling. Sometimes for various reasons having a kid can ruin a marriage. Whoever is taking care of the child most of the time is always going to be exhausted and rarely feeling sexy. If the husband does 50/50 when he's home, then maybe the wife won't get resentful and stop wanting to have sex, but you must realize sometimes it's physical things as well. A very sexual friend of mine who always wants sex more than her husband by a yard completely shut down for a year because she had a difficult pregnancy and cesarean and also got diabetes from it. And no help with the baby at all.

 

Can't fault you not being there to see what's going on, but it is true sex should not be the main thing you are married for. If it is, your priorities are immature to say the least. But yes, you want someone who wants to have sex occasionally, of course. Things happen in marriages that make both men and women stop feeling sexy with their partner though. As she says, she's not feeling it at all with anyone, so she's just consumed with motherhood. Toddlers totally drain a person physically and mentally.

 

Keep up the counseling, let her have some space and good luck.

[Marc878]

Zero sex in a marriage is BS. Is this how you want to live your life?

 

She wants space you should be giving to her. What you are doing is just hanging on hoping when you should be forging ahead and making your own life. Do not put your future in her hands. Go your own way.

 

She's told you she doesn't love you is withholding any intimacy and all you're doing is making excuses. Maybe you should believe her.

 

Does she work? If she doesn't blaming this on having a toddler is more BS.

 

Better wake up.

 

Also I'd check my phone bill!!!!!

[preraph]

I would just say that being with a toddler even if you don't work will fry your brain and also give you a bad back bent over trying to keep up with them all the time.

[Marc878]

Where to begin ?

 

So wee been together 6 years and have a 3.5 year old daughter.

 

We always had a good eex life before our child was born, then things dwindlllsd. I think is important to add that she was 6 weeks Prem and we had a long month or so in the hospital together in tears worrying she wouldn't pull through. At this same time we found out her mother had embezzled 5k from her and had a gambling addiction. This out immense pressure on us all and meant we both agreed not to let our child be up there. Therefore- in the last 3.5 years we've had one weekend away together- which we had Dec and had a good time.

 

You should always make time for school other. Doesn't take much

 

My fiancée is very closed and doesn't talk much, she often won't say something but will show in other ways. I am very open and not as emotionally strong as her. I have some issues from childhood (mother left us) which make me find rejection difficult- moreso that usual.

 

Anyways- gradually no sex and little affection took its toll and I because cantacerous and bitter naturally. I provide them wth a beautiful home, nice car, ring, holidays. The best j can because I love them both. I began to hold these against her saying she was just using me for the money. 6 weeks ago we had a row and I snapped and said I'd had enough, she didn't love me clearly and may as well leave as she won't even cuddle me anymore. She did..

 

My world crumbled, i begged and pleaded at first as I was literally distraught to not have them and especially my daughter at home. When she left she said

 

"I'm leaving you and we're over. I'm not sayin this is irreparable and there may be hope for a future but right now I'm done with you"

 

So you get zero intimacy from a wife and she walks out

 

Last year we booked a fortnight in Disneyworld, she says she still wants to come for our child and that if there was no hope she wouldn't come at all. I am better off fincabcilly and I've given her my car and she still wears her engagement ring.

 

Foolish. She left and you are letting her cake eat off you

 

Since moving into her new place she's said several mixed messages including -

 

"I'm riding this 6 month lease our no matter what"

"This place is lots cheaper than ours which would be anigjr away a month to work on us"

"I haven't been interested in you for the last 2 years sexually"

"I swear On our child's life there's never been anyone else and I won't be getting involved with anyone, if you do I will never get back with you"

"I want to rebuild and start over but it not making a commitment as if that doesn't happen it will break our heart again"

 

Check your phone bill

 

It's all really confusing. I went LC after 3 weeks and she began to open up more, she's asked me once a week to go out with or child and I haven't brought "it" up. We've been getting along better and she invited me in their new home now also.

 

So she walks out but you still give her your time and feed her ego? Why?

 

I know she still cares and I know 100% there is no one else- but she said she doesn't love me that way anymore. I think there may be a physiological issue from the baby- alikening sex to that hue trauma we went though? But I can't see her ever having Counseling.

 

You don't know anything better start looking there are red flags here. She's told you what she thinks of you. Hanging on will just cause you to lose any respect that you have left. You should be giving her what she's asked for. Zero engagement or interaction.

 

I was controlling at the end of the relationship, and I think sex was always her way of getting even. Now I have no control and everything is on her terms. We both love our kid and I know family time makes us all happy. But ultimately I need some intimacy from my partner and that's what's caused this.

 

You've put yourself in a situation by accepting her rules and doing what you're told. How are you liking the position you're in so far?

 

We're going to Florida in just over a week... we've agreed to just have a nice time and see how things go. We certainly won't be in bed together as she's incredibly stubborn, but I want to build on things and show her our family is more important than sex and any other problem. She has a tendency to bury her head in the sand and this needs to be dealt with for us to reconcile- but ATM she doesn't want to.

 

She doesn't want this or that. Maybe you should figure out what you want? A sexless crappy relationship? You've been living this for awhile. Quit being a doormat and move on. A sexless marriage almost never gets better. Better wake up

 

All her friends and family give the exact same version of events and I really do believe what she's saying. She doesn't know what to do and doesn't want things to be how they were at the end. Neither do I. But she needs to realise that she has to want to repair this for us to be a family. It's crippling not having my child and my family at home. I miss them so much. I'm past the intial stage and thinking things through a little more. But I need some Advice.

 

I would never marry into this. You are better off without this.

 

I'm having counselling for my emotional issues, which she knows. I'm also working lots and doing activities with friends. But this split is consuming me I think about it ALL the time !

 

You can only control you. You can't make her do anything. Is this the kind of life you want. Coparent your child and find someone you can have a life with. This isn't it.

[Marc878]

I would just say that being with a toddler even if you don't work will fry your brain and also give you a bad back bent over trying to keep up with them all the time.

 

Zero intimacy?? Cmon!!!

 

Total BS

[Jman220]

Yeah it's not a great situation.

 

After the sex dwindled there would still be affection from her. Cuddles and kissing. She would also confirm she loved me but just want into sex after the child. When we get away together it usually happens and we're closer. But it's hard to find the time.

 

The arguing got too much, we both said some bad stuff- I def pressured her too much for sex instead of working on her entotions. I hope the et another chance at that as I love my family v much.

 

My plan is to see how this holiday goes, make a great family memory and then gradually pull back when we return home. Seems the only way to know if she really misses me and realises that the relationship can be worked on to remain a family. It doesn't look great though !

[Jman220]

Went shopping today with her and our daughter for our holiday. We had a good time, laughed a lot, had lunch and a bit of hand touching and lots of eye contact. I genuinely think there is still a spark there- I just need to work on bringing it out. Perhaps this time apart will take the pressure off and allow us to date and fall back in love again? I don't know what the future may hold- but I know I'm going to keep trying and hopefully we have a great family holiday and she realises that a bit of effort from us both on "us" would actually change things a lot.

 

Through frustration I said a lot of things I regret. I'm working on those. Ultimately there will come a time where I have to take family time away completely as it's difficult for me right now. But if I honestly felt there was nothing left to play for- I would be shutting off and not bothering. I still have hole and I believe I can do this. There will be ups and downs- and I may fail in the end. But I love her and our family and The far lady hasn't sung yet.

 

Re- phone- checked today, can't find anything concerning. She seems genuine- should that change I will update.

[sandylee1]

Why don't you sort out a formal arrangement for seeing your daughter?

 

You need to maintain your relationship with her and be firmly in her life, as I don't know that you'll end up back with her, but be the best dad you can and spend one on one time with your daughter.

 

No sex isn't great, but I'm not sure how much you played a part in being hands on.

 

The money comment that you threw at her backfired badly. No women staying home looking after your child would want to hear that.

 

I'm not surprised she left.

[preraph]

No one wants to think they only reason you're married to them is for sex. Once a women starts feeling pressured, especially after childbirth, they will lose that lovin feelin, and women don't want sex if they stop liking you.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Jman, you have a very difficult situation on your hands. Currently you seem to be in the position of many betrayed spouses trying to win back their WWs and in the process handing over all the control to them. That amounts to you becoming like a puppet who dances to all the tunes your Fiancee whistles. A relationship, to be healthy, has to be a two way street. Unilateralism will kill it in a heartbeat. With what you've written I do not see any way that your Fiancee is going to respect you. You have become a doormat for her and she knows it. She has you round her little finger so why would she want to change anything? Maybe she does'nt have anyone in her life right now but that may be because her libido is low and she is fully in Mom mode. Give her time and a little rest and relaxation after your daughter is old enough to go to nursery or Kindergarten and when she takes up a job with male coworkers around and everything will change in a heartbeat. She will find a beau for herself. She does'nt respect you and she does'nt find you attractive, physically or emotionally and most importantly, sexually. Why should she wait around for you? You won't suddenly become Prince Charming. Not unless you get your self respect back, go NC with her and start doing things on your own that you find interesting and enjoyable.

 

I used to hear a term when I was working used by some guys. They used to say that someone had some one else 'By the short and curly'! I find that the a bit distasteful but in a way it applies to you here. Your Fiancee does have you by that part of your anatomy. You have to free yourself from her clutches. Your only concern now should be your daughter and as someone said get a proper custodial arrangement in place so that you can be an important figure in her life. Your Fiancee's ship has already sailed. Don't keep sniffing around her petticoat tails. The ladies on here may be right about your Fiancee being overwrought because of caring for your toddler. However she should not forget that you are an equally important part of the equation. Even if she did not provide you with sex she could have continued providing you proof of her love for you with cuddles and hand holding and ILYs if that was important to you. Be a man she can respect and she may still come back to you otherwise there are plenty of good loving women who will love and respect you as you deserve waiting for you out there. Warm wishes.

[Jman220]

Thanks for the replies so far- I will take the advice in bits and try to use the best of them all to go forward.

 

She's started to talk to me more, holiday is in 2 days.. she invited me over for a family meal last week (acts of service is her language) and she has been opening up a bit more about being depressed and struggling with our daughter on her own. I told her my support is there if she wants it and I'm happy to pay some maintenance- although not legally required to (I'm better off than she is)

 

Communication is a key issue wth her- she doesn't talk about her feelings often and is hard to read. But in time I'm sure that will all come out...

 

I'm going to make sure we have a great time together as a family- and if it's going well perhaps I will take her on a date one evening while family have our child. Try and rekindle the spark there slowly. I am getting stronger and being a good parent- I am not a brilliant listener and I'm having some therapy to try and combat that stuff.

 

Ultimately I will be ok wither way- but I do love her and our family very much, I think after a good 2 weeks together withdrawing little by little will be a good strategy as I'll gradually see if she wants to work at her side of this. I'm trying to look at things in her shoes instead of my own and at least gain some understanding. She is certainly already seeing it's not easy running a house and I know she will have some struggles herself- as will I on the other side of the coin.

 

Very tough situation- but solvable if she wants to meet in the middle. Which for our child's sake and both of ours. I hope she will !

 

Will post an update after the holiday!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Jman, the last paragraph in your post is exactly what I said. Your relationship is a two way street and she has to meet you half way for it to work. Just remember to build up your self respect and then she will start respecting you! Warm wishes.

[elaine567]

My plan is to see how this holiday goes, make a great family memory and then gradually pull back when we return home. Seems the only way to know if she really misses me and realises that the relationship can be worked on to remain a family.!

 

I can see why you would be doing this but I think if you pull back after having a great holiday she will give up on you.

She I guess, wants emotional connection, if you then withdraw and reject, she is going to do the same.

 

She will be in building mode, trying to like you and trust you again after you became bitter and cantankerous towards her, due to lack of sex.

Women in "childbirth/toddler" mode do not prioritise sex, you should have been more understanding.

Women who do not like you and trust you, will not have sex with you.

 

She will be trying to build bonds here, but if you withdraw, then the emotional connection will be lost and she will be gone, perhaps for good this time.

[Jman220]

I can see why you would be doing this but I think if you pull back after having a great holiday she will give up on you.

She I guess, wants emotional connection, if you then withdraw and reject, she is going to do the same.

 

She will be in building mode, trying to like you and trust you again after you became bitter and cantankerous towards her, due to lack of sex.

Women in "childbirth/toddler" mode do not prioritise sex, you should have been more understanding.

Women who do not like you and trust you, will not have sex with you.

 

She will be trying to build bonds here, but if you withdraw, then the emotional connection will be lost and she will be gone, perhaps for good this time.

 

 

The issue though is it's all her terms. I am left in limbo- she has ended the relationship and is basically leaving me hanging on emotionally in the hope we can rebuild something. I do not want a firm commitment I love tgther straught away. I want a commitment that we will work on this together and spend time alone and go out to regain the spark. She got pretty defensive when I said I can't keep doing this if there's no commitment we are going to work at it, but she did agree and said she just wants to have a good time and then make a plan afterwards. I will be fairly supposed if she does cut ties as I can see there is still feelings there and we both love our family a lot. We just have to stop arguing over trivial issues.

 

I saw her today and said I think we need to make a call after the holiday which way she wants to go- as is not healthy for or child to be having lots of family time if ultimately we will never be a family again. Not fair on me ether as I love her and everytime I have to say goodbye I cry in the car on the way home (after 8 weeks :/).

 

I'm much stronger than the beginning- but it's going to take a long long time before I'm ready to date others. She is extremely closed emotionally and communication takes time- this is due to her parents having a strange dynamic and some trauma from when she was small. I've offered to help fund some counselling IF she chooses so, but that's upto her I don't want to control her as it won't work. Sometimes I think I am mad for not just giving up, but I really do love her and if I didn't think I had a chance to reconcile I wouldn't be doing this.

[Jman220]

I can see why you would be doing this but I think if you pull back after having a great holiday she will give up on you.

She I guess, wants emotional connection, if you then withdraw and reject, she is going to do the same.

 

She will be in building mode, trying to like you and trust you again after you became bitter and cantankerous towards her, due to lack of sex.

Women in "childbirth/toddler" mode do not prioritise sex, you should have been more understanding.

Women who do not like you and trust you, will not have sex with you.

 

She will be trying to build bonds here, but if you withdraw, then the emotional connection will be lost and she will be gone, perhaps for good this time.

 

Women in toddler mode may not be in sex mode, but I support them and went 12 months without any sex at all. It drove me physically and mentally insane and I DID communicate softly for a long time. It changed nothing. I am not just here to play everything on her orders- that's not a relationship. She wasn't trying to meet halfway on anything, and that was what made me lose my ****. Wrong I know. But I'm human and humans make mistakes, we both have.

[BluesPower]

I really think we should be real here...

 

Dude, dollars to donuts, she is and has been having an affair. No matter what she says.

 

Very few woman do this with out someone on the side. Men too for that matter.

 

I really don't think you have anything to reconcile here, she does not love you, she is not sexually attracted to you, man you need to move on.

 

Just start a new life and forget about her...

[Popsicle]

Why don't you sort out a formal arrangement for seeing your daughter?

 

You need to maintain your relationship with her and be firmly in her life, as I don't know that you'll end up back with her, but be the best dad you can and spend one on one time with your daughter.

 

No sex isn't great, but I'm not sure how much you played a part in being hands on.

 

The money comment that you threw at her backfired badly. No women staying home looking after your child would want to hear that.

 

I'm not surprised she left.

 

This.

Not sure you two can ever return from all those ugly things.

[Jman220]

We live in a small town. I know everyone. I get you're always the last to know. But honestly I really don't believe it's someone else. If it is then she's not contacting them by phone whatsoever and is swearing on her kids life voluntarily and lying. I would've found out by now.

 

I think there's a root cause related to the child and the bad pregnancy and Orem baby we suffered. Our kid was in the hospital for 8 weeks and on breathing apparatus. On top of that. We've argued. I've become needy insecure and unattractive due to the rejection, my mum left when I was a kid and never returns. It's triggers a lot of **** for me. Etc etc.

 

What she needs is therepy- but that's upto her.

 

We go away tomorrow. Will just make the best of it for our daughters sake and I will continue to be a good dad and see what happens. There is still some chemistry between us, we get along as friends and as long and we don't do the "us" talk- we don't argue. I think she is in building mode and trying to like me/take t slowly and see what happens. Either that or it's a pure and utter cake eat- if it is then I'm a mug but I'm going to hang myself out there for my likes sake and our family.

 

Will post update asap

[BluesPower]

I hope you are right... And I hope I am wrong...

 

However, I have not been wrong so far, it is a gift and a curse.

 

Look for a burner phone if you can. Check the last phone bill before she moved out, if I am correct. It is almost a 100% that she is screwing around based on your posts.

 

Now it is possible that she is done for what ever reason, but it is not probably.

 

It almost never happens that way.

 

So check around...

[Jman220]

Believe me I have done plenty of checking. Never found a thing. Burner phone is the only thing I could've missed.

 

I've done a lot of reading the past few nights- I have been the victim of stonewalling. Whenever there's an issue Of any kind she refuses to talk about it in any depth and stone walls me. This repeated has led to the situation we're in now. Sex is such a painful topic for her as for a year or more she hasn't discussed it and find expressing how she feels incredibly difficult. She needs therapy drastically, but I'm sure she won't go..

 

I'm just going to enjoy this holiday and make sure my daughter has a time to remember. I feel bad for my fiancé- every relationship will encounter problems at some point- no matter who she is with the relationship will always turn bad because she won't communicate.. its sad I love her and I want to be happy together. But I think you all are right- it's a lost cause. I spoke to a mutual friend last nigh- he said that all her past relationships ended this way, she ****s down and refuses to reconcile, in the first one that hasn't left her apparently :/ .. there's never been a kid involved before though... what a mess !

[Itspointless]

I've done a lot of reading the past few nights- I have been the victim of stonewalling. Whenever there's an issue Of any kind she refuses to talk about it in any depth and stone walls me. This repeated has led to the situation we're in now.

I am surprised that nobody had mentioned dismissive-avoidant attachment yet. Attachment styles are no disorders we have them all, it are coping styles. Mix that with the depression and we come close to the behaviour you are describing.

[Just a Guy]

Hi ItsPointless, is there really a psycho-analytical term such as dismissive-avoidant attachment? Actually there are a lot of psycho-analytical terms that are used here on the forum but somehow they seem very glib to me. That is not to say that the conditions these terms imply are not valid or do not exist. They must be very real but can we lightly use a term which may imply a serious psychological disorder to something that may not be anywhere near anything as serious. What you are implying may be true but I would think it should come from a qualified psychiatrist. While intentions may be good, a person who comes to a forum like this for help may become alarmed or distracted and may not really benefit. I don't know. I may be wrong here but I do hold to this opinion.

 

As far as OP is concerned, he is caught between a rock and a hard place. He seems to be leaning towards calling it quits after his initial emotional breakdown. Hope things went well on his vacation with his family. I do hope he comes back to update us. Warm wishes.

[Itspointless]

Hi ItsPointless, is there really a psycho-analytical term such as dismissive-avoidant attachment? Actually there are a lot of psycho-analytical terms that are used here on the forum but somehow they seem very glib to me. That is not to say that the conditions these terms imply are not valid or do not exist. They must be very real but can we lightly use a term which may imply a serious psychological disorder to something that may not be anywhere near anything as serious. What you are implying may be true but I would think it should come from a qualified psychiatrist.

Yes there is and the good news is that all flavours of attachment that are out there have nothing to do with disorders. As I said it are coping strategies concerning attachment learned while young to get love and affection. There is a difference thought between secure and insecure attachment. If she is indeed dismissive-avoidant attached he needs to look at himself too. Often the insecure types are attracted to each-other. And it are roughly 30 percent of the people that are insecure attached. Another thing is that usually it are the anxious attached types (also insecure) that are attracted to dismissive-avoidants: speaking from experience here.

[Jman220]

Yes there is and the good news is that all flavours of attachment that are out there have nothing to do with disorders. As I said it are coping strategies concerning attachment learned while young to get love and affection. There is a difference thought between secure and insecure attachment. If she is indeed dismissive-avoidant attached he needs to look at himself too. Often the insecure types are attracted to each-other. And it are roughly 30 percent of the people that are insecure attached. Another thing is that usually it are the anxious attached types (also insecure) that are attracted to dismissive-avoidants: speaking from experience here.

 

 

After googling the attachment disorder stuff posted above I am amazed. She ticks every box. The reason the sex stopped and she got further away is because I pushed more and became more insecure and needy. All the hallmark signs.

 

Day 3 of the holiday. She's still fairly cold, but we've had one good chat where she admitted she still loves me but need time to totally rebuild with me etc. She kissed me once and said she wants to relax the rest of the trip and see how things go. Really hard to be emotionally secure when this is all happening. Long term I don't know what I'm prepared to compromise on... but for now I just want to get along and have a nice time together. Thanks for that diagnosis- I learned a lot reading today. Making more sense to me already.