I need help and advice . . I am deeply depressed.

[joel123]

i have never posted anything but i do not know what to do. i really need help and advice. the pain is ruining me as a person. i will try and make this short but its a lot into it. My wife is from spain and im U.S. i met her at a job she was doing for 4 months. she is 21 and im 29. big age gap, i know. We met and fell in love very hard and did not want to be separate from each other when her j1 visa expired. so against my better judgment knowing how young she is.

 

i married her so we didnt have to separate. we both took it very seriously. we made trips to spain for family vacations and holidays because she lived in the u.s and missed her family. we had an apartment together and financed a car. we were generally very happy and had a great sex life. we didnt fight much. no abuse at all. we were married for 2 years and separated 7 months ago. everything with us was great (so i thought) we had a few issues about missing her family and friends. i feel i might have neglected her a bit sometimes but nothing to extreme. i loved her so much and just wanted her to be happy. so here is what happened.

 

we went to spain for a month at christmas. we did all kinds of fun stuff but i started to see her acting strange. like distant. i felt something was off. she even cried in front of her mom out of nowhere. i tried to talk to her about it but she wasnt clear on anything. i also saw our sex life was a bit off. she said she just didnt feel like it. that she thought something might be wrong with her because she felt gross about it. i thought nothing of it at the time but i started realizing she wasnt ok in u.s without her family and friends. i love her family. her family liked me aswel. did many trips with them and bonded a lot. also with my family. we talked to her family about moving to spain and they said they would help us find a place and a job for me. when we left spain she was very upset and quiet.we got back to our house in texas for about a week and we were sitting on the couch watching a movie and i tried to kiss her.

 

she said she didnt know what she wanted anymore and that she wasnt happy in the u.s. so i said we are moving to spain. only a few months here. she said she couldnt handle it. so we made a plan. she goes to spain the next day and gets the apartment ready for us and i stay in texas for a month and save money and then go to spain. it was the last time i ever saw her. she got to spain and still talked to me for 3 weeks like normal showing me pics of apartments there that her and her mom found but then she started to change. said she didnt know what she wanted. she broke up with me. she didnt deal with the breakup well at all. she cried all the time.

 

wasnt eating or sleeping. also had to go to a therapist for 4 months.i tried everything to get her back (even the wrong things) cried, begged, everything. i couldnt handle it at all.i went into a depressed state for months and months.still am. we kept in contact for 4-5 months. she cried every time we talked. she told my friends she missed me so much and couldnt see a future without me. then out of nowhere, she started to change her way to me. she started ignoring my text. saying she didnt love me the same, acts like our relationship mint nothing. our marriage. this is someone that talked about our future together all the time and what she wanted and was so happy about it.

 

she started saying things i felt her psychiatrist would of said to her, not her real thoughts. i dont understand it. i love her so much. as much as a husband should love his wife. Now the way she acts to me is aweful. the way she talks to me is aweful. she doesnt even act like the same person to me. i have done nothing to her in the relationship or out of it. i have always tried to do good things for her. about 2 months ago she went on a trip to peru and columbia with her brother and friends. about a week before she left to peru, i offered to buy her plane ticket after her trip to come here for a week and maybe try and work things out.

 

she said maybe but then said no a few days later. i found out yesterday that shes been having sex with her brothers friend. a mutual friend of mine told me. it makes me sick to my stomach. i dont know how to deal with it. i cant. i really cant. it makes me so sad and hurt. she typed me a few days ago asking how im doing but acted like there was nothing different. i dont understand. i love her so much man. i do.i would do anything for her. i never saw myself with any other person. i was completely happy with being with her forever. she was my best friend.we did everything together. she acted like she truly loved me and i had no doubt about it.

 

i asked her about the sex she had with her brothers friend. i was devastated and couldnt control me asking. i didnt know to believe it. she told me a month ago that she felt sick of the thought of someone touching her. i asked her if she had sex with him, she said "ya and? its not your business. sorry you found out but i do what i want. and for your info, it didnt mean anything. it was for fun" even typing this makes me feel like crying. later that day she typed me and started saying horrible things about me and the relationship wile she was drunk ( i never seen her drink) things she never said before. she even laughed at me because i couldnt handle her having sex with someone els.

 

she called me a child because i was sad about her doing it. i dont recognize her anymore. the way she talks to me. i feel like nothing. i feel lost. i got sooo attached to her family and friends. i was so inlove with her. I havnt even thought about sex with someone or being with someone. all i wanted to do was fix my marriage and do anything it took to make her happy. i offered to move to spain and live in her village so she could live with her family and still be with me. she said no. i cant get the images out of my head of her having sex with someone. i can get over how she talks to me. i dont see the reasons for it. i dont know how i failed. sorry this was so long but i feel so hurt and no one to ask about it. i was getting better with dealing with the separation. i was trying to move on so she could be happy.

 

then i find this out and i feel aweful all over again. sometimes i want my brain to shut off completely. i even thought of suicide for months but to scared to do anything. i dont want to feel like this anymore. i cant. i miss her so much and think about her all day every day. no matter how much i work or go out with friends or anything. i feel so much love for her. i also miss her family a lot. i was very close with her mom. i understand people change. but how can someone change this much. how can someone just not love another person anymore. she said she loved me all the time.

 

even when she went to spain. for 4 months she said she did and always wil. now she said she doesnt. please help me. any advice would help me a lot. thank you for reading this.

Edited August 14, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs, please use them

[road]

You are young, have no kids so will be better off divorcing her.

 

A marriage can never survive when you live apart. First mistake.

[joel123]

thank you for the reply. im glad you read it. we didnt live apart. we just live apart now we lived together for the full 2 years. the 7 months we have been broken up have been the only time we ever been apart. so you feel its hopeless?

[whatnot]

We met and fell in love very hard and did not want to be separate from each other when her j1 visa expired. so against my better judgment knowing how young she is.

 

i married her so we didnt have to separate. we both took it very seriously. .

yeah...the first time I married my ex wife....she lived in another city....a city that I commuted back and forth from for my job.

 

she was very close to her family. there were issues with her family as well. her sister and her were very emeshed. It was a very complicated relationship between the two of them. One I never cared to be involved in. Too much....going on there. But...we married. and kept her home in her own city for me/us to stay in when I went there to work. Three years later...we divorced. She just wanted to be home. I didn't want to move there. A year later...we remarried. that marriage lasted about 9 months.

 

She'd met another man. She wasn't happy away from her family. but...here's the thing.....

 

 

as much as she tried. (and she did try) her heart was never in the marriage. And I knew it....I knew it. I didn't want to admit it to myself. and I don't believe she wanted to admit to herself either. She wanted a baby. that's why we married. there was a miscarriage during the second marriage. Soon after the miscarriage she split for good with another guy.

 

 

the thing is....I kinda knew the scoop of the arraingement going in. I never wanted to admit it to myself. I thought that all of the relationship dynamics "were normal". They were not. She wanted what she wanted. I wanted what I wanted. When she didn't get what she wanted...she split. When I saw that she wasn't getting what she wanted (after a year and a half of hating and resenting her)....I came to realize...and understand....that I had a hand in this as well. I knew full well that it was an arrangememt.. I also knew she was living away from her family in order to have a baby and a life with me. There just wasn't enough there.

 

 

Your wife is very young (as are you). It can be difficult. But....you know, in your heart of hearts,,,,,,me thinks.....that you might know of some things that were never right from the beginning. What with the visa expiring and all.

 

Still doesn't make it "right". But....things are what they are man. and if you only knew how much I *think* I know what you're going through. You believe you will never meet a woman as perfect for you as her. But...you will. I cannot even begin to tell you how little my ex wife and I had in common. Did we have fun? yeah. Did we enjoy each others company? I got on her nerves....and she definitely got on my nerves. But...it still seemed as if "she was the one and only". She was not. DEFINATELY NOT>

 

 

If this falls apart....(which it sounds as if it's in the process of doing my friend)...you WILL find a better match for you.

 

I know she's young. And....if I were a bettin' man....my bet would be that she's pretty as well. I know you love her so much. If the relationship fails....You'll be ok. It'll take awhile.....but you will be better for it...if it fails. one man's opinion.

 

You're still awfully young. It would be an almost impossibility for you to not meet another woman. even if the thought of that seems impossible for you right now....or even....repulsive.

 

take care

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry you're hurting so much, OP.

 

This girl was far too young to get married. She's just 21 now, so she was maybe 18-19 when you married?

 

She isn't ready for a lifetime commitment. I realize she probably thought she was at the time you got married, but this is why such young people should not tie the knot. She was too young to be able to see around corners and understand what marriage entails. She is still maturing and becoming an adult, and will change lot in the coming years. People at her age usually want to be free and explore, and sadly, she realized this after she married you.

 

It would be best to initiate divorce proceedings. You two are too far apart - geographically and emotionally - for this to work out well. She isn't invested and doesn't want to be married. You will need time to heal and grieve, but it would be in your best interest to begin moving on. You can find love again someday too, when you're ready.

[joel123]

thank you for the advice. it means a lot to me. you have no idea. i feel like this relationship destroyed who i am. i have a hard time finding happiness in anything anymore. when i wake up in the morning i feel sick to my stomach. the images of her sleeping with someone tears me up. god. it makes me so sick and sad. i cant deal with it. its all i think about and i have a hard time controlling it. shes also very rude to me for no reason at all. i dont understand it. shes a completely different person. i was never mean to her or rude. always respectful. it hurts me so much. i got so used to the lifestyle in spain and being part of her family and her life. now ill never see them again. i really thought it would work. i feel so stupid for thinking i was so lucky to of found someone that i loved so much. shes in columbia sleeping with people and traveling having a great life. says she so happy without me. im here working and trying to pay off all the dept i owe from her leaving the apartment and car being taken because i couldnt afford it without her. i hate this. i do. i want it to all go away. 7 months is to long for anyone to feel like this. she typed me at random every few weeks to ask how i am. like she knows i cant deal with it. i feel weak, no good enough. she makes me feel like i did something wrong to her. i tried so hard to get her back and failed. half of me wants her back and the other half doesnt because of her sleeping with someone and how shes been treating me. im so confused. i know i should move on. it seems impossible. when i think about moving on, i get sad and anxious because i think about never seeing her again or her being married to another. how do i not want to be with someone or care for someone that i was happy with and saw my future with her? so you think me fixing this isnt likely?

[elaine567]

Truth is you as an "older" man, can rarely make wives out of women in their teens/early twenties without there being trouble with a capital T.

People can judge and come down heavily on the older guy for taking advantage of a young girl and that can and does happen, but it seems to me the older guy is usually the one who comes off worst.

He builds up this dream of marriage to his much younger bride and she then dumps him unceremoniously to go find fun elsewhere, leaving him heartbroken. She plays "house" for a while no doubt to please him, but it gets boring pretty fast.

 

It all sounds good on paper - virgin/near virgin, attractive, hot and often highly compliant, will agree to almost everything as she has so little life experience, and that can be interpreted as "love".

BUT it is a bit like buying a cute puppy, you have actually no idea what kind of a dog that it will grow into.

 

YOUR wife just grew up and suddenly you were not the man she wanted, hardly surprising really.

There is a huge life stages gap, a big age gap and a cultural divide here. Age gaps can turn out to be very important, at 21 she will now be looking around at all the hot guys around her own age and your previous "advantage" over "young boys" will be much lessened..

YOU were ready to settle down, she hadn't even started her life journey...

YOU were ready to give her everything but you were just a "filler" relationship to her. Being young she may have made a song and dance about the break up but she knows deep down freedom is exactly what she wants and needs.

 

Now she all she wants is fun and other men...

 

She is gone and she is NOT coming back.

YOU need to get your head around that and sort yourself out.

Do not make the same mistake again, find someone who is around your own age who actually truly wants to and is ready to settle down with you.

[whatnot]

thank you for the advice. it means a lot to me. you have no idea. i feel like this relationship destroyed who i am. i have a hard time finding happiness in anything anymore. when i wake up in the morning i feel sick to my stomach. the images of her sleeping with someone tears me up. god. it makes me so sick and sad. i cant deal with it. its all i think about and i have a hard time controlling it. shes also very rude to me for no reason at all. i dont understand it. shes a completely different person. i was never mean to her or rude. always respectful. it hurts me so much. i got so used to the lifestyle in spain and being part of her family and her life. now ill never see them again. i really thought it would work. i feel so stupid for thinking i was so lucky to of found someone that i loved so much. shes in columbia sleeping with people and traveling having a great life. says she so happy without me. im here working and trying to pay off all the dept i owe from her leaving the apartment and car being taken because i couldnt afford it without her. i hate this. i do. i want it to all go away. 7 months is to long for anyone to feel like this. she typed me at random every few weeks to ask how i am. like she knows i cant deal with it. i feel weak, no good enough. she makes me feel like i did something wrong to her. i tried so hard to get her back and failed. half of me wants her back and the other half doesnt because of her sleeping with someone and how shes been treating me. im so confused. i know i should move on. it seems impossible. when i think about moving on, i get sad and anxious because i think about never seeing her again or her being married to another. how do i not want to be with someone or care for someone that i was happy with and saw my future with her? so you think me fixing this isnt likely?

I don't normally like to comment on whether or not any given relationship on LS will work out or not. But in this case...Elaine567's take is pretty much my take as well.

 

The way she has been treating you.

The length of time she's been this way.

The ages.

The distances.

Even your own reservations going into this.

 

That's an awful lot of things that have to do an "about face". I don't see it happening. Stranger things may have happened...but it's difficult to think of what they could be.

 

I hate this for ya.

[ayoung73]

I am so very sorry for your pain, there are so many different battlefronts, but honestly, you need to focus on yourself! For now, concentrate on getting yourself better, find another therapist and know all of the things you’ve mentioned will take time to heal and understand more fully. This type of loss without any true definition as to what went wrong is the hardest to accept and you wonder, is there anything else I could do, what did I do wrong…and on and on. We can what if this all day, but what I know, you are a valuable person, and you are worthy of a healthy relationship! Do you have a support group outside of your friends? A church group, a club or something like that to tap into? A lot of time workplace wellness programs include therapeutic options which are confidential; you could use these benefits to find the right person to speak with. Again, I wish I could do more for you, I may not know you, but I feel for you! Please put aside hurting yourself, life sucks at time, but it does get better!

[joel123]

I understand everything you guys are saying. I thank everyone for the post. they help. I do just want her to be happy. she types me sometimes and asks me "how are you?" i never know how to respond. i get scared and excited. like i feel like she misses me or something but then scared she doesnt. i dont like looking weak or making her feel bad for what she did. i also feel so much pain because she slept with someone, idk how to feel about her anymore. im so confused. half of me loves her so much and i just want to talk to her again normally about her day and how much i miss her, hear her laugh again. but the other half of me feels so anger, resentment, disgust. with things feeling like this it makes me feel out of place, you know what i mean? like none of this feels right. like im still in shock about it. i know we cant force people to love us. i was just so sure with all of my heart that she really really did love me. Her mom told me how much her daughter loved me.And that i was part of there family now. i had no reason to doubt it. sadly i was wrong. i just want things to be normal again. i miss her so much. i miss her family. i hate that i cant even talk to her anymore without feeling bad or emotional. everything between us changed over night and so fast. Now im even questioning to myself all day if i could take her back after her sleeping with someone like i even have the choice. i mean its just sex but at the same time i feel like if she loved me, she would of had sex with me and not him.. does it mean she doesnt love me anymore? or can women still love someone and have sex with someone els? i replay the choices and chances, conversations in my head over and over until im exhausted and numb to it. i know none of this matters anymore. i dont know how to let it go. i try so hard everyday. she must not care about me anymore. its obvious but i cant see it. if she did, she would talk to me. Or take my offer to buy her a plane ticket to come here to see me for a week. she wouldnt of had sex with someone els. she wouldnt talk to me bad. why cant i see this and move on. i want to be angry at her or wake up for once and feel less for her. why cant i have any power in this situation. i feel blinded from my feelings . i except everything she throws at me like i child. like i have no self worth or love for myself. i just dont know how. She tells our mutual friend thats shes soo happy of her trip. that shes never been happier. that she doesnt miss me. she even tells her about her sex life knowing she will tell me. i dont understand why she would want to hurt me when i have done nothing wrong to her. i did beg and cry a few times. i did try to talk her into being with me. i just wanted to find a solution to it so i could fix it but i never was mean or disrespectful. just said how hurt i was and that i wanted to fix it. even after i found out about her sleeping with someone. i said " im glad your happy" even tho all it did was made me feel like i was going to die. i had to leave early from work because i couldnt handle it. when i talked to her about it, she just started saying bad stuff about the relationship and blaming me and acting mean to me. it hurts me. it really does. i never felt like this before. im ranting again. im sorry. these are whats going in my head right now. it doesnt stop. i want it to. i cant take it anymore. i dont know if she still loves me and she just acts like that to feel less pain or she really just doesnt love me and is ok with never seeing me again.

Edited August 15, 2017 by joel123
spelling

[BluesPower]

It is just time to let it go...

 

She is done. Like Elaine said, she was probably too young.

 

It is time for you to go No Contact with her. Block her number and any email addresses.

 

File for divorce if you have not already.

 

She is not coming back and really. pining for her will not make things better for you.

 

Stop all communication with her and move on.

 

In time you will feel better. Next time try to find one closer to your age with similar life experiences.

 

Good luck...

[sandylee1]

She was far too immature to embark on marriage. I'm sorry you've been heartbroken.

 

Your wife wants to explore life and live more before settling. The things she says and the way she behaves, show that she's childish.

 

You need to discuss divorce with her and allow yourself to be free and move on without her.

[stixx]

You are young, have no kids so will be better off divorcing her.

 

A marriage can never survive when you live apart. First mistake.

 

Yeah, cut the rope. I never allow a female to give me prolonged grief. I could be wrong. I still hang out with my ex, but I after a bit she is just a buddy. Just as we was before. But this is a very long time friend and relationship we had, so we are going to hang out and call and text. She called me at lunch actually. She wanted to know if she can change our Sunday plans to Saturday. I said no problemo. I told her its not like I got a hot date lined up...

 

Say Buh-bye! If this person was never a friend to begin with before you dated then forget about it. I can hang with my ex because we are pretty cool with each other. We just dont do couple stuff like vacations or sleep with each other, etc.

[joel123]

i guess this is what i get. things were to good to last and i felt like something like this would happen but hoped it wouldnt. i really did try everything to keep us together. seems our friendship and romance left over night. we were seriously so close. i didnt even see it coming. i also thought "if anything ever happens with us, we can work it out. i love her and it wont change" for 7 months i have tried and tried. i just dont understand the lack of effort she has for something this big. my marriage was more important then anything els in my life. but as yall said, shes young. so i guess thats all there is to it. nothing i can do. i know ill always love her tho. well..the old her. idk who she is now. it hurts me. sad thing is she was my best friend and now when i think about talking to her, i cant. i feel love for her but i also feel bad emotions to. do i just forget her and how i feel? hide it? feels like such a waist