Where am I going wrong

[shellybing]

All sound super fishy to me. I highly doubt if #2 indeed had a great job at the said hotel. He probably did live there sometimes when the aunt was sick of him mooching off her.

 

That was actually true. I had stayed in the hotel for over a month when I was moving from out of state. I was there to scout work/living/etc.

[shellybing]

So you seem to be going wrong when picking the men. Pick men who have stable careers (not just jobs) and either a lease they can afford or own their own home.

 

the 3 of them have also all lied and cheated.

 

So, I guess that question should be -

 

what are some red flags that I should look for earlier on? Before it gets to the point. I can recognize the blaring big red flags, but the subtle ones are a little more difficult to see.

 

I understand I am choosing the wrong men I don't want to do it again.

I am lonely and do not want to get involved, so I am taking this time to reflect and work through it.

 

What can I say that is more assertive, if I make the same mistake again? What can I do? Are there more options than what I have already tried?

[JuneL]

the 3 of them have also all lied and cheated.

 

So, I guess that question should be -

 

what are some red flags that I should look for earlier on? Before it gets to the point. I can recognize the blaring big red flags, but the subtle ones are a little more difficult to see.

 

I understand I am choosing the wrong men I don't want to do it again.

I am lonely and do not want to get involved, so I am taking this time to reflect and work through it.

 

What can I say that is more assertive, if I make the same mistake again? What can I do? Are there more options than what I have already tried?

 

I thought the red flags were waving at the beginning. None of them had a place (renting or owning) of their own. When #3 asked to rent an apartment with you because he couldn't afford one by himself, wasn't that already a big red flag? How long had you known him anyway?

[BluEyeL]

Just don't date men without a stable career and home. That would be a great start.

[Chilli]

Yep always comes back to the picker.

Personally , l think it's really important to take your time.

 

Tbh l'm lucky though got great taste in women haha so that stuffs not really a problem but l could never explain it. l just know a goodie when l meet one. Putting them into words though, nother story. l guess it's a quality in certain ways would sum it up or no way l let it go anywhere, l'll walk away. Been tempted a few times since my divorce but l know where it'll lead so not goin there. Eventually met gf and although for other reasons that hasn't worked out , it was well worth the wait and l'll never regret it.

But it's kinda hard for me to relate too the opposite even though l see what's going on but explaining it's another story.

Even my brother, picks lemon after lemon, early 50s now, not much l can do to help him out.

Others here though will know how to explain it much better than me.

 

But l think is one thing ,make sure you just take your time in sussing him out first . Don't let it go anywhere or start up if it's not the right stuff.

Edited August 15, 2017 by Chilli

[shellybing]

I thought the red flags were waving at the beginning. None of them had a place (renting or owning) of their own. When #3 asked to rent an apartment with you because he couldn't afford one by himself, wasn't that already a big red flag? How long had you known him anyway?

 

 

We had been dating for over a year by the time we moved in together, and I had met this guy online. We spoke online for about a month, and by phone for another two before we even met. I went over to his place several times and then he started coming over to mine and let his apartment go.

 

This is the one that is confusing.

 

The other two guys I spotted before I was in too deep, and they only lasted a couple of months. this guy literally lied to my face about how he felt, and did not give a crap for a good year before any of this happened. It wasn't until I found out about his lies and cheating that things started going south, a year and a half in.

Why lead someone on for so long? So, he left his apartment, and then moved in with his cousin, and then essentially moved in with me hoping to sponge?

 

Was it an elaborate plan from the beginning? wth. We dated a WHOLE YEAR. I was already a bit fickle about getting involved with another man after the other two experiences. So I decided to take it suck it up and move foreward, but with caution and slowly. Still happened.

 

ugggg

 

 

Thanks for all of the suggestions