Divorcing Wife, long post but read and reply

[janmejay33]

Me and my wife married on 20/05/2006 when we were 22 and 21 years old in India after going around for 4 years. My wife joined me in UK in September 2006 and she started studying for MBA in Kingston University for which she paid herself. She was working part time along with her university till 2007, then she started working full time in Sales. All this time I was working as a hotel receptionist till 2007 and in 2008 moved up to be a Hotel Night Manager. As time passed by and we were 28 and 27 when we realised that our likings, choices, preferences differ.

1) In July 2012, I took a decision of taking a career break from hospitality and do something else. My wife completely supported my decision. She became the sole bread earner for the next 1 and half year. I tried learning animation and other things she paid for the courses but I was not successful and did not get my interest in those fields. We had sublet 2 rooms in our house which paid for the mortgage. I was confused about what to do as I studied and worked in Hospitality for 10 years. This was like a midlife crisis for me and I was depressed. I did start working in 2014 in Sales and worked for 6 months. From July 2012 till mid-2015 I did take all the household responsibilities from cooking, washing to making my wife’s lunch box to dropping and picking her to/from Hayes Station. During this time from 2013 till mid-2015, we had arguments, fights where I was told to get out of the house at least 3 times out of which twice was in front of her mom. But after a fight we used to get back to normal very quickly.

2) During this time, she always mentioned to me in that if she would have met me then she wouldn’t have married me. Plus, she always tried to improve me by telling me things to change the way I talk, I sit, I speak to others, my weight, my English etc.

3) On Friday 3rd October 2014 Hindu festival of Dusshera, I came back from work with sweets for the festival day. I saw my wife and her mother in the kitchen and I felt that they had some argument as they were very quiet, so I asked my wife if they both had a fight/argument and she became angry and she slapped me in from of her mother. My heart was broken by this action. I did not retaliate but cried a lot. Just to note this was the only time she has hit me in anger in last 11 years.

4) My wife bought her second home in London but to enable this to happen I took out my name from the first home and transferred my 50% share I had to her name with a good intention so that She can invest in the second one. We moved to this Flat in London in February 2015. I did continue with few jobs but still was not able to set on a proper career path. But as we rented out the first home we were able to pay major part of monthly mortgage amount with that rent amount and the household costs were supported majorly by my wife as my salaries were quiet less.

5) On 10th July 2015, my wife was coming back from India with her mom. I had got some interior decoration done in the flat like wallpaper, wall colour, etc. which my wife knew about and agreed to. As me and wife like watching TV series, I also put 4 artistic canvases of few characters from those TV series in the hall way. I received my wife and her mom at the building entrance and I was very happy to see them both. As soon as we entered the flat, while still in the hallway my wife saw those canvases and she got annoyed. She told me that she did not like them, when I tried to explain that it looks nice, she told me to leave her house. We had an argument and I broke down. This would have been my 5th time to pack my bags over 3 years but never was successful to leave.

6) On 11th July 2015, we sat down in the morning and she explained why she got annoyed, she mentioned that before she flew from India on 10th July 2015, she met my family and had spoken to my mother about me not being successful in career and my mom told her that I should go back into hotels and that is the only thing I might be able to do. We discussed other points and I pointed to her that I did not earn much and way below she earned, but when I was working I worked for 8 hours too and that she does not help me in any household things, she mentioned very coldly that I should tell my mom to get me a housewife instead. This broke my heart, I felt like a real looser at this point, where both the houses were hers, I was not working, plus confused about my career. Few days after this I was standing in the balcony of that flat on the 9th Floor and felt like committing suicide, felt like I should just jump and that I am a big disappointment for everyone even for myself. This though was only for a few minutes and NO I did not actually try committing suicide.

7) She had argument with me at least 6-7 times from 2012-2015 about me not keeping dinner ready by 7pm, she used to reach back home from work and with the commuting she used to be very hungry. Most of the days I made sure that food is ready before she arrived back from work but when it was not few times she would be angry.

8) After this episode, I started thinking that is this the only worth of my life. As my wife pointed out to ask my mother to get me a housewife instead, I thought why not. As, if she is not happy with me due to my failure, I would never earn as much as she does and so wouldn’t it be better to marry someone who will be contented with my salary and job potential and who would help me with the household chores.

9) This was the first time I spoke to my Mother and Father about the things which have happened since 2012. They were disappointed in both of us and sad. None of our close friend knew about this. I applied to hotels and started working as Night Manager for a Hotel in London from August 2015. I was too hurt and my love was broken. I started seeing things as they are.

10) On 11th November 2015 Diwali day, I told her that I want to get separated. We spoke about this but never took the step of divorce. My wife stopped arguments or fights with me from this day till now.

11) In January 2016, I left the hotel job, I told my wife as I was always good with theatre I will go to India and join the regional film industry, as I do have passion for movies. It was also with a reason that I would get to stay away from her as I was not able to separate. I went to India in March 2016. In 2 weeks of me reaching India and after speaking to my parents I decided that I will do a course in IT in India, come back to UK and join Just IT (Institute which gives a job guarantee in IT). I called her and told her about my plan and also that we should start thinking about having kids, she was frustrated by now as I kept on changing my plans. And yes, with all regards this was my mistake. After a month, she came to India for her holidays and joined me. I came back to UK to do a course with Just IT as I told her.

12) she came back with her mother to UK on 7th May. On 17th May 2016 this was the 2nd time I told her that I want to leave and get a divorce. We spoke about this, I gave her an option of me finding a job outside London in Cambridge and then she can find a job there after I have settled so we can both give time to ourselves than work, but she did not want to move away from London, this time she was ready to let me go and she asked me to pack my bags and leave but I was not able to quit. I had nowhere to go. And I was not 100% sure about by decision

13) I did the course with Just IT. While this time from May to July my anxiety levels were up and down, I was not contented. After I finished my course I started looking at IT jobs but away from home. All I wanted was to live away. Luckily, I got a good job in IT a basic service desk position for a company in Datchet, Slough. This was other side of where we lived. I took a shared room on rent in Slough and moved out on 29th July 2016.

14) I was very happy to live away from my wife and her mother. I still went back home on my off days but for 5 days I was by myself in a small room but happy. When I went home on hose off days, there were times that the house was not cleaned. Food not prepared. I found myself cooking for both days. Eventually I decided not to go and told her that I again have feeling to get separated.

15) I asked her why she does not cook food or why is she not interested in the household chores, to which she explained that she rather invest her time in reading something knowledgeable than the household chores.

16) In November 2016, I went for counselling in India, the councillor spoke to both. He told me that I have to be as good and as successful in career as she is and to my wife about sharing household responsibilities. I was still quiet firm about getting a divorce.

17) In December, my wife went for a week long meditation camp in India and after this she went and spoke to my mother. Both of our faults were on table. My mother called me and asked me to think about my mistakes. She told me my wife’s positive points, that no other wife would have supported you financially for 3 years while I was on career change and depressed. I decided to give it a final chance. My wife came back to UK on 30th December 2016 and we decided to give each other 6 months. She told me that we will keep our finances different.

18) During these past 7 months, she tried her best to change, she started cooking, cleaning house and other household chores. We even went on a Caribbean holiday in April for her Birthday.

19) She had planned in 2016 to Attempt Mont Blanc summit in 2017. Which meant she had to be physically prepared for the big hike and she had to do hikes across UK for practise. She started going for hikes on most of weekends. When I was off and the only time we would get to meet, she would still ask me if she can go and I never denied as she wanted to go. In May 2017, she told me that she wants to call her mom to the UK, and if I can stay with her mother in July when she goes to attempt the Mont Blanc summit. I told her that either you cancel your mothers coming to UK plan or you postpone your Mont Blanc trip which she did postpone it and her mother arrived end of May till 3rd August 2017.

20) During these 6 months, I tried to love her a lot but I always felt uncontended. Felt like her priorities are different to mine. In her priorities, her career/goals came first, then her mother and then me. While it was not the same for me, on my priorities She always came first. If we decided to give 6 months of time to each other and the marriage was on the brink of breaking then why she still kept on going for treks, why she called her mother in the same time when she knows that previously I had anxiety because of her mother. Rather than completely devoting these 6 months to fix the broken marriage there were other priorities which got importance. She even applied for a job in Switzerland and went for interviews, she did not get selected and she told me later that she applied to get interview experience.

21) On 16thJuly 2017 I told her that this is not working for me and this was the 4th time I felt of getting a divorce. I had this gut feeling that I need to get separated. She tried to convince me but this time I had to stick to my decision.

My wife is a good person and we both love each other. She did support me for my career break and to my decisions. What I have problem with now is my mind keeps telling me to move on, may be due to the hard things which happened. Nowadays any small issue or fight and I feel like getting separated. I think that it’s better to move on as already moved back to her 3 times after previously taking a decision but this time I should not. Somewhere our husband wife roles got changed. I have been always proud of her achievements at work and have always supported her, I have never been jealous of her earning way more money than I did rather I told everyone proudly about her progress.

Do I need mental help and psychiatric help or is my decision of divorcing is right for both of us to be happy in future? Please help.

[5x5]

In answer to your question at the end, yes.

[janmejay33]

Thanks 5X5

 

The yes is for Dicorce or for Therapy?

[elaine567]

YOU seem to be all over the place.

I guess you need therapy to get some direction into your life, before you make a final decision to pull the plug on your marriage.

A decision that perhaps you will regret long term.

[5x5]

Thanks 5X5

 

The yes is for Dicorce or for Therapy?

 

I don't know.

 

Perhaps you could summarise your post with some brevity so I might be able to offer an informed opinion.

[SaveYourHeart]

I don't think therapy would hurt, either way you choose to go. No one can tell you to divorce or not, you have to know your own limits and what you can and cannot live with.

[janmejay33]

Thanks a Lot SaveYourHeart.

I have already tried therapy once and also counciling.

What the councilor told me was she will not change much but you will have to make your personality like her and that is how this would survive.

What I need/want is being happy with small things in your life, caring for each other, showing love but these things are missing from her side.

After giving 3 chancrs this is the fourth time that my mind keeps telling me to leave but the heart dosent always support the mind.

[elaine567]

YOU want to be the "man" in the relationship the one who has a wife who does the household chores and who panders to you and worships you, but you are not the "man" in this relationship as you are not of the calibre of your wife.

She knows that, her mother knows that, your parents know that and you know that.

She is the one with the good career, she is the one who gets things done and she is the one who is carrying you and she I guess no longer respects you.

You are a dreamer, one hare-brained scheme after another and now you are in a low paid IT job.

 

You need to think very seriously here, you are not capable of earning much and whilst you are now dreaming of being "free" of your wife and her mother, just be careful of what you wish for.

YOU seem to think your wife should change, but actually it is you that needs to change...

[SaveYourHeart]

Whoa whoa whoa. Elaine, I think that was a bit harsh.

 

Let's switch it around, if this were a woman writing, would you have the same response?

 

-He hit me

-He makes me feel like I'll never be as successful as him

-I have so many dreams, but I have no idea what my calling is

-He goes out of his way to make me feel less than my worth

-His mother puts me down too

-He will not make compromises

 

 

That sounds, to an extent, like a toxic relationship. There's physical and emotional abuse, she's in the wrong but so are you. I didn't feel any love in your words, I think you've already moved on in your mind. You both deserve to be happy, but you've both been unhappy for at least the last five years. Money does not equal happiness. You'll figure out your own way if you decide to divorce, and you will survive.

[stillafool]

Thanks a Lot SaveYourHeart.

I have already tried therapy once and also counciling.

What the councilor told me was she will not change much but you will have to make your personality like her and that is how this would survive.

What I need/want is being happy with small things in your life, caring for each other, showing love but these things are missing from her side.

After giving 3 chancrs this is the fourth time that my mind keeps telling me to leave but the heart dosent always support the mind.

 

Divorce. Do you need us to tell you this.

[central]

When you are undecided about divorce, the correct answer is almost always to divorce - you will end up happier and less conflicted.

[sandylee1]

You've put far too much identifying detail in your post.

 

You don't need all that and it could get you and your wife identified. You have dates and locations.

 

Do be careful.