My brother is verbally abusive.

[TnT]

Yesterday i realised that my brother is verbally abusive towards me.

 

This has been going on for many years, and at the age of 20 i moved out as i could no longer handle it. However after certain things happening in the past 4 years, i found myself returning back to living at home. At first it was ok, and he had changer alot, but i have recently been on an overseas trip for 6 weeks, and returned to him being verbally abusive to me once again. I thought he had changed and everything was cool, but that was not the case when i came home.

 

Yesterday was a huge eye opener for me. I was on the phone to my man (long distance relationship) and noticed that i am getting angry and upset about things in our relationship and my life in general which are not of great significance, after speaking about the things going on in my life, we realised that i was over reacting about small things, and i explained to him that i feel my emotions are out of control.

 

I decided to talk to my friends about the situation and i have also been reading about verbal abuse online as well. After doing some research i found that everything i was feeling was due to the words inflicted on me from my brother. (BTW, he is 3 years older than me).

 

I also read alot about the abuser and their habbits, which totally relate to what i am going through. I now have an understanding about what is going on. I do understand from his history the reasons he is the way he is, however that is not a justification for his behaviour.

 

 

At the moment, i am not able to move out to get out of this situation, so i need to find a way to deal with his actions and words which are tearing me apart. He calls me names all the time, and generally takes his anger out on me. If i try and talk to him, he yells and says that i have attitude, if i try to ignore him, he says the same thing. Its effecting me mentally, spiritually and physically. I use to be such a confident women, but now i feel like i have no worth in life. I feel so angry and confused and do not want his behaviour to distroy my relationship with my boyfriend.

 

I just dont know how to deal with it. I am the only person who he disrespects in life, i am the only person who he yells at and is aggressive towards. I feel like he is using me as an outlet for all the built up anger in his life.

 

If anyone has any advise or similar experiences, Please share with me.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Please clarify for me, you are 24 now? He is 27? You are both living at home? Have you spoken to your parents about the situation?

[TnT]

Yes i am 24, he is 27. Our father died when i was 6yo. I have spoken to my mum about it, and she tells me to ignore him.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

you really haven't given any examples of the type of things that he does/says to you..

 

A brother/sister relationship has a dynamic that can lend itself to someone believing they are being abused.

 

A lot of brothers and sisters fight and try to exercise their sibling power over each other.. normally they BOTH contribute to the issues at hand..

 

Growing up and moving away may be the only way to solve the problem..

 

How about some more info .. Why does he do to you ? or say to you?

 

One of my many sisters to this day says that I used to beat her up.. Funny... I never once did but she sees it that way.

I'm 42 and she is 37 now but the sibling dynamic won't let her drop it and move on..

[TnT]

I know what u r saying about siblings fighting and stuff, but i think this is a little different. I didnt want to write to much info here, just incase someone recognises me, but i guess thats not going to happen. He had a heavy drug problem for about 8years, i guess he has been off drugs for a year now.

I just cant describe how he acts, i mean there are plenty of examples, but the main thing is that he yells at me, calls me names, really gets in my face (literaly) and just brings up so many things that arent important. He is constantly saying how i am selfish, swearing at me, making me feel like i dont belong there.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

I'm playing an armchair quarterback here but it sounds like he is a dry drug addict and not a sober one.

 

Dry is when they still act like they are still druging/drinking and haven't fixed the issues that lead them to drink/drug.

 

Sober is when they have fixed the issues and don't repeat the behavior..

 

I think that instead of abuse that the tactic you ought to seek is doing some research on Drug addiction and family ties.

 

You might also look into a meeting or 2 relating to living with someone with a drug addiction

 

Generaly speaking a dry drunk/doper is only a stones throw away from falling off the wagon and starting up again

 

just my 2 cents

[Craig]

What would you do if a stranger or acquaintance treated you the way your brother does?

 

What do you do now when your brother is verbally abusive towards you?

[TnT]

What would i do? if a stranger done that to me, i would walk away from the situation.

 

With my brother, in the past i have tried to fight back, but it seems to get me no where, so now, i try to ignore him. I dont know what i am ment to do.

[amerikajin]

Family relationships seem to get more and more complicated as we get older. I'm finding this out myself with my older half-brother.

 

I think the bottom line is that when you become an adult, you have the right to be treated with some dignity, provided that you conduct yourself in a respectable manner. I wouldn't keep taking his crap.

 

You basically have a choice between confrontation or avoidance. I would try confrontation first, and if that doesn't work, then just avoid and ignore him until he gets the picture. It's possible that your older brother is having a rough go of it in his life, and at age 27, maybe he feels the only way he can make himself feel like he's worth something is to reassert his dominance over you. I think it's possible that he is doing this to make up for perceived weakness or a lack of control over things or other people in his own life; you're his younger sister, so perhaps he is subconsciously expecting you to fall into line.

 

The other part of it is that there is always going to be the prospect of competition between siblings. This kind of behavior is typical of someone who is dissatisfied with his progress in life, and he doesn't want his own dissastisfaction or failures being further highlighted by your successes. He doesn't want to be in a situation where he thinks that mother respects you more than him, that you somehow turned out well and he didn't.

 

I'd be inclined to say that maybe what he needs is a good one-on-one talk and some 'understanding'. Maybe he needs you to just listen to him so he can open up and identify his feelings. Then again, this type of catharsis may be impossible. He may be the kind of guy who's too proud to have this kind of frank discussion with you, in which case there's nothing you can do.

 

Your bottom line is to try to confront this issue first. Now, I don't mean set up a fight, I mean set up an opportunity for you to see if you can't get him to divulge his fears, desires and so forth; if he can't do that, then you've got to let him know that you're just not going to deal with him treating you like a second class citizen.

[TnT]

Thankyou so much for ur advice, when i was overseas, we spoke on msn a bit and he opened up about how he felt about past issues and the way he treated my mum and I, so thats what i dont understand, he told me he felt bad and everything, then when i got home, he was straight at it again.

 

But yeah, the comment about me being more successful than him, is tru and i can c how that is a factor. I just need to learn how i am going to ignore it, as i dont think confrunting him is going to help. I need advice on how to manage the anger i feel from this situation now that i recognise what is giong on.

I hope that all makes sense.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by TnT

I just dont know how to deal with it.

The only way to deal with people like him is to give them back exactly what they give to you. Otherwise they will have little or no respect for you. He is on a power trip and if you don't end it pronto you will live a nightmare for a long time.

 

Tell him next time he is verbally abusive that you will call the police becaue he is threateing you. And then follow thru.

 

He is not facing any reprecussions from his actions and he needs to otherwise his behaviour will not change.

[amerikajin]

The only way to deal with people like him is to give them back exactly what they give to you. Otherwise they will have little or no respect for you. He is on a power trip and if you don't end it pronto you will live a nightmare for a long time.

 

I don't know if I agree with that, Alpha. I think it really depends on her brother's personality. Having been through similar experiences with my own older half-brother ( though without the blatant forms of verbal abuse) I can tell you that some people are just impossible to deal with at times. I tried the confrontational approach, and it actually made the situation worse - he just fired his own venom right back at me with even greater determination, and then we stopped talking for about six months. I stood up for myself but he refused to recognize me or acknowledge that I was anything other than his 'little brother'.

 

We're at it again as of late and I've just decided I'm not dealing with his s*** anymore. And I won't until he gets the picture. I've tried emailing him and calling and he's not responding - again, trying to let me know who's in charge - and I'm at the point where I say 'f_ck it'.

 

And so I think the right advice is, play the situation according to the personality and take what he gives. If he responds to a kick in the *ss, give him one; if not, just avoid dealing with him until he can start treating you like an adult.

[Natashac16]

i know exactly what u mean. I never thought of my brother as verbally abuseive but the way you speak about ur brother really reminds me of mine. I and in grade 11 in high school and my brother is one year older than me. I am also in a long distance relationship and my brother calls my boyfriend a jerk even though he hasint even met him. Whenever my parents try to talk to us about why we hate each other so much he just yells about how he wants to spend more time with me and my boyfriend is not letting him. THat is total bull, i know that he diesint want to spend time with me becasue whenever we are together he treats me like crap. I cant stand him at all. I cant afford to move out yet but as soon as i can i will, even though my parents are great.THank you for telling me your story to help me realize my situation.

good luck

natasha

[TnT]

Sorry to hear that u r in the same situation as me... funny, i am in a LDR to..

 

Update on me and my bro... things have settled down alot, i no longer get abused... we just dont talk anymore...lol. I avoid him at all costs and he avoids me to. I no longer wake up in the morning to hear him having a B**** to my mum about me, i think he is over it. But yeah, we live together and we simply dont talk anymore. Its sad and all, but its so much better this way. I dont have the energy anymore to sort out whats going on with us, i have better things to deal with. Found out last week that i have skin cancer... the third in 3 yrs, so i am trying to deal with that at the moment.