Get Back Together Experience

[asz9191]

Hey y'all,

 

So i was dumped 3 weeks ago by my girlfriend of 5 years. I just wanted to warn everybody, if it was a mature break up, and neither of you are crazy, don't take too much of what you hear from this forum.

 

The only solid universal knowledge that I've gathered from it, is to work on yourself, and attempt to move on. Only thing you can do. I keep mostly no contact, but also take a few opportunities to show my sense of humor and charm if the opportunity presents itself.

 

However, not why I'm posting. I spoke to a friend the other day a girl who went through the same thing, she was able to reconcile and I'll give you the story, because all these threads are so pessimistic about the thought.

 

My friends dated mostly through college. Probably the final 2 years. When they graduated he was in New York City and she was about 3 hours away. She had said stuff to friends that she was bored and sometimes during sex she looks at the ceiling and just waits for it to be over. They lasted a little outside of school, but broke up because of distance and wanting to be single.

 

They pretty much never spoke after, and, although she said it was out of sight out of mind, she never forgot him. It's impossible to forget somebody that long. After about 8 months she started dating another guy, she said it was a huge mistake, and really only because her roommates had boyfriends. The whole time she felt like he was a great guy but it was wrong because it wasn't my friend.

 

Fast forward a year and a half, they meet and reconnect at an event where they were both invited, it was probably the 2nd or 3rd time they had seen eachother since. They said the attraction was undeniable every time, and that they couldn't fight it anymore. They've been dating ever since. They're now planning to move south together to follow job opportunities. They took the experience to see what they wanted and turns out it was eachother.

 

Major things to take away from this are: 1. This is a break up forum for people to vent and gather hope, don't take every story as that's what happens. People that move on generally don't post here, and people that reconcile usually don't post here. It's like going on a democratic forum and saying everybody in the world is a democrat.

 

2. If your ex is dating, it's likely not a real thing right after. People date people for all kinds of reasons.

 

3. Your relationship is individual. Nobody's is the same. You have to trust yourself and work on the issues that affected your relationship for yourself. To be a better person in the future.

 

4. The only thing you can do is move on and if you're both attracted to eachother if the opportunity presents itself you can try again. Take it as an opportunity to do things you couldn't do when you were dating. I'm focusing on getting ripped like I've always wanted to, and studying for the GMAT. It sucks, but, you have to remind the person you're with what they liked about you, and that you solved any issues that they had with you.

 

You can always hold out hope, unless it's causing you not to move on. You know your situation better than anybody, and listening to a heartbreak forum as gospel on how your break up is going to play out is not helpful. Use it to vent, don't take only advice from here.

 

I promise you, if you work on yourself, look your best, find the old confident version of yourself that your ex fell for, pick up a hobby, go out and meet people, everything will work out. I thought my life was over when my first ex dumped me, now I"m totally indifferent and talk to her all the time and could probably hook up with her if I wanted to. Focus on yourself. Your ex didn't forget you, you were a big part of their life.

[d0nnivain]

Some people do get back together in time. We are pessimistic on here because we don't want some poor hurt soul holding out false hope & pestering the dumper. That never works.

 

Some people do grow up & change. In time the problems get resolved.

 

However, breaking up & getting back together without addressing any of the reasons you broke up in the first place doesn't work.

 

In time things do work out but that doesn't always mean reconciliation.

 

You are right that relationships are unique & one size does not fit all. However, staying apart id more the norm

[asz9191]

Agreed. Specifically with my break up the next day after I started working on the stuff she told me made her not want to live with me.

 

When she said the thought of living with me scares the crap out of me, when previously she had wanted to get married and live together and have kids together, it kind of triggered something in me.

 

Regardless of whether it's with her or not, I'd like to be somebody a girl wants to live with, not a messy slob of a 20-something year old. I also began working on different issues.

 

Like I said if you're willing to work on yourself that's all you can do. Take the things they said and apply them. Regardless of your break up reason, whether it was cheating, grass is greener, or just didn't work out, your ex had things they like and don't like about you and definitely made it known. Being stubborn and not looking at yourself as a reason for the break up at all is not helpful in any situation.

 

I see a lot of people on this site saying, we were in love, relationship was perfect, best friends, and then they dumped me. Yes you can be hurt and angry they dumped you, but how did you change during that time. Maybe you became lazy and complacent, maybe you became not trusting, maybe you lost yourself. Work on yourself, and everything will work out eventually.

[Steve51]

I was told my an old friend of mine who was also a psychologist specializing in marriages, that once a spouse tells you that they do not love you, get out of there as soon as possible. Love is not something you can turn on and or at will. You cannot think yourself into love. It is either their or not and once gone, it is gone.

 

What happens frequently is that the person who did the breaking up realizing what they lost, not that they magically found the love again. They become frightened of being on their own or the person they left you for only liked her because it was exciting to cheat or did not want to spend all of their time with the person they only saw once in awhile.

[Been]

Exactly. If you love someone in most cases you should be able to work thru it.

And you should want to work on yourself for YOU not because of your ex and your whole reason for working on yourself is you hope your ex comes back.

 

Most second chances occur when the dumpers plans didn't go accordingly.

Or they can't find anyone they deem better then their ex. Not because they realize all of the sudden they had this magical relationship that they let go.

And when cheating is involved in most cases the person that cheats usually does it again down the road.

 

For every success on people getting back together I would say their is triple the number that weren't successful.

[fiskadoro]

There are a lot of threads about successful reconciliations. In my darkest moments here, I found one that buoyed me tremendously. A guy had come back after several years... two years of being broken up, and three years of renewed love - including three years of marriage. He had some common sense wisdom, nothing at all earth shattering, but he was evidence it can be done.

 

I am back together with an ex from 12 years ago, and before that, I was in contact with another ex from 14 years ago. I love to dig up the past, hahaha. I can't say we are 100% different now, but I can say that maturity and the appreciation of having known each other so long ago and still being friendly to each means a lot. Even if that friendliness included stretches of months or years with no contact, or ignored messages.

 

Even if our second go-round fails (and it might) I can say that I respect her much more now, and I am proud of the people we have grown to become. Before, had you asked me would I always have love for her in my heart, I couldn't say yes. Now, I would have to say that I will always have a fondness for the kindness and attention she has shown me, something she couldn't have done years ago. So, there ya go, proof positive.

Edited August 20, 2017 by fiskadoro

[RocketQueen]

You are totally right, it is not the same for everyone AND on the whole happy people do not tend to write their experiences of reconciliation here , we vent...which is why, usually, the advice is to do exactly as you say- work on yourself as it's clear a lot of the time people are down and not in a great position to have a successful second chance.

 

I first came here to vent but also to hopefully find a post that gave me hope that relationships can work after a break up, I was disheartened at how many seemed skeptical/negative...whichever way to describe it.

 

Now, almost three years on, I understand the posts weren't negative. Just realistic.

 

It took a long time to truly work on myself. There were times I thought I was doing well, but now see I had phases of just thinking I was getting over it.

 

I'm truly content now and never thought I would be again.

 

My ex contacts me sporadically and I'm ok with that but I'm even more ok with not hearing from him!

 

Not to be the cloud of doom but don't measure how over someone you are by if you *think* you could hook up with them and be okay...to me that is usually a tell tale sign you're far from over them.

 

Happy healing & finding yourself

[SevenCity]

You make very valid points, but the fact remains most people who break up do so forever. I've briefly reunited with a girl from a short term RL, but never from a long term. And nothing that ever lasted.

 

Some have reached out but I had no interest as too much damage was done.

 

It's dangerous to give people false hope that their ex will come back as the odds are stacked against them and will often lead to not moving on.

 

Moving on usually involves losing the desire to ever get back. Unless there were extenuating circumstances (like distance) usually when one partner launches the nuke it's over for good.

 

I do agree that dumpers will think about you, but it doesn't mean they are coming back.