Would you want to know?

[Moonlight_coffee]

Quick question if your husband was cheating on you for the past two years. Would you like to know? From the other woman?

[d0nnivain]

I would want to know but I don't think I'd believe the OW.

[Clay]

I would want to know. I agree if it was from the other woman it would be hard to believe. Maybe if they offered some proof with it then something could be checked and backed up.

 

C

[NotCamelot]

Why would you NOT want to know?????

 

 

Ignorant bliss, maybe?

[central]

If my spouse were currently cheating, yes, I'd want to know. If they had been in the past, and were no longer, then I would not want to know - if they managed to hide it that well, and stopped, I'd prefer to avoid the pain. If they start up again, then I'd want to know.

[road]

I want to know.

 

How long or short the affair does not matter or

if the affair is current on or was in the past.

[pheonixrisen]

Quick question if your husband was cheating on you for the past two years. Would you like to know? From the other woman?

 

Yes from bs whose h actually had a 2 year affair 6 years ago .

 

I would like to know.

 

However I would only believe the ow if she approached me with concrete proof.

[Starswillshine]

I replied to your other thread on the OW/OM board.

 

But the short, yes. I want to know.

[dichotomy]

I would want to gather as much information as I could from all sources. However I have learned that information (even direct from WS) is suspect. I mean even information that the other person BELIEVES is true - is not always true. People lie but they also have perspectives/feelings/understandings/recollections that can be wrong even when they believe they are telling you the truth. Police understand this when interviewing witnesses of victims of a crime - its not always exactly what happened.

 

I made the mistake once of not accessing ALL the information I could about my wife's past relationships. I regret it now, but there is no telling it would have been helpful.

[deadsoul]

No. And I say that as the one who confessed. But I wouldn't want to know. Many others will post differently.

[basil67]

I can't honestly say whether or not I'd want to know. But without a doubt, I'd tear shreds off the OW if she was the one who told me. If it was my BFF telling me, my reaction would be much different.

[Moonlight_coffee]

Yh I don't understand why you would not believe the OW that your husband is having an affair. Isn't she the one who is sleeping with him, she would know and have all the proof.

 

And even if she was doing it out of spite or to hurt mm, the fact of the matter is, it still happened and she(OW) would be the one to know this....she better than anyone

[basil67]

Yh I don't understand why you would not believe the OW that your husband is having an affair. Isn't she the one who is sleeping with him, she would know and have all the proof.

 

And even if she was doing it out of spite or to hurt mm, the fact of the matter is, it still happened and she(OW) would be the one to know this....she better than anyone

 

I didn't say that I wouldn't believe her. I may well believe her, but I would still tear shreds off her. We're talking Hell Hath no Fury like I would have.

 

My BFF telling me would be out of kindness and concern for my welfare. But if the OW tells me, it could only be out of spite and/or desire to hurt me and/or kill my marriage. In short, I would believe that she's doing it for her own selfish motives. Let's face it, if she had concern for me, she wouldn't have been the OW in the first place.

[Doublegold]

"Let's face it, if she had concern for me, she wouldn't have been the OW in the first place."

 

Let's face it- if your husband had concern for you there wouldn't be an OW in the first place.

[Starswillshine]

"Let's face it, if she had concern for me, she wouldn't have been the OW in the first place."

 

Let's face it- if your husband had concern for you there wouldn't be an OW in the first place.

 

This does not dissolve the OW. I don't understand how it is hard to grasp that blaming the OW for her actions does not mean the bs doesn't blame her husband for his.

[BaileyB]

I didn't say that I wouldn't believe her. I may well believe her, but I would still tear shreds off her. We're talking Hell Hath no Fury like I would have.

 

My BFF telling me would be out of kindness and concern for my welfare. But if the OW tells me, it could only be out of spite and/or desire to hurt me and/or kill my marriage. In short, I would believe that she's doing it for her own selfish motives. Let's face it, if she had concern for me, she wouldn't have been the OW in the first place.

 

Absolutely. I would definitely not trust her motives and I would show her the door with my foot. I would then turn my attention to my husband and tear shreads off him... But in truth, I don't know that I would believe a word that either my husband or the OW said.

[wmacbride]

Yh I don't understand why you would not believe the OW that your husband is having an affair. Isn't she the one who is sleeping with him, she would know and have all the proof.

 

And even if she was doing it out of spite or to hurt mm, the fact of the matter is, it still happened and she(OW) would be the one to know this....she better than anyone

 

There are women who lie like this.

 

After my spouse's affair ended, his ex-ow became really weird and wouldn't stop harassing me. it got to a point where she was sending him anonymous emails while he was deployed overseas trying to convince him I was cheating on him.

[Mrs. John Adams]

at this point of my life...i would not want to know anything from anyone.

 

let me live out the rest of my life fat dumb and happy

[BaileyB]

at this point of my life...i would not want to know anything from anyone.

 

let me live out the rest of my life fat dumb and happy

 

I love it!

[xenawarriorprincess]

Knowing provides you an opportunity to choose your continued life path. You would know the truth and you would be able to decide if you want to continue being married to that person.

 

Not knowing robs you of your ability to truly choose them because you are married to them under false pretenses. In other words, not knowing would rob you of your choices.

 

Two years is not an “oops, I got drunk and made a terrible mistake”! Two years is 730 days of “I’ve been lying to your face”! That’s definitely robbing someone of making a choice that would best suit them.

[basil67]

Knowing provides you an opportunity to choose your continued life path. You would know the truth and you would be able to decide if you want to continue being married to that person.

 

Not knowing robs you of your ability to truly choose them because you are married to them under false pretenses. In other words, not knowing would rob you of your choices.

 

Two years is not an “oops, I got drunk and made a terrible mistake”! Two years is 730 days of “I’ve been lying to your face”! That’s definitely robbing someone of making a choice that would best suit them.

 

Not knowing and continuing in the marriage is also a choice.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I could have kept my infidelity a secret..it was a one time sexual encounter and done. But i did the right thing...I confessed.

 

And then two years later my husband had a revenge affair...no sexual intercourse...and he confessed.

 

Both of us could have very easily kept our affairs a secret because no one else knew...but we both confessed

 

Did we do the right thing...yes according to all the forums and books...we did the right thing

 

but if we had it all to do over...in all honesty...if i had not told...would it have also then prevented his affair? yes it would have..would keeping my mouth shut have prevented the pain he has suffered for 34 years? yes it would have.

 

but see...we dont know the future and we cannot second guess the past. We only know what is the right thing to do in the moment.

 

We have been married 45 years...i have told him...if you have secrets to confess...DONT...I do not want to know. I am happy...I am old...I am in my twilight years...let me live the next 20 or 30 years believing I am happy. and if there are reasons i should not be happy...dont tell me

 

there are those who would disagree with me...it doesn't matter...this is what is right for me

[xenawarriorprincess]

Not knowing and continuing in the marriage is also a choice.

 

I have told him...if you have secrets to confess...DONT...I do not want to know. I am happy...I am old...I am in my twilight years...let me live the next 20 or 30 years believing I am happy. and if there are reasons i should not be happy...dont tell me

 

 

basil67----

I would say that were true only if you told your spouse beforehand that you didn’t want to know like Mrs. John Adams did.

She told her husband that if he has a secret not to share it with her. She is choosing to live happily ever after, even if the reality may be a bit different. But in the end that is Her choice not to know. He is not choosing her path for her by deceiving her against her will. In that case “not knowing and continuing in the marriage is also a choice”.

[Ahurtgirl]

If I could go back in time, I would never tell his wife. I was honest with her. I had originally contacted to check on him as he had been out drinking with his wife that night and had called me saying he didn't know how to get home because she wasn't ready to leave the bar at midnight. I would never call to check on his safety again. It started an absolute nightmare of events. Once she began to question my motive, which was honest to God, due to my concern for him, she asked questions and then when I honestly answered them, she didn't believe me. It was complete stupidity on my part to care about his safety. Now having experienced what I did, I would just ghost him out of my life after his call and his wife could continue to live in her ignorant bliss. I found our his is cheating on her again with yet another new lover (I wasn't his first which she refused to believe as well) and he has posted new pics of his family and how amazing his wife is... so he's doing a very good job of damage control and is perfecting his cheating habits also.

I think not wanting to hear it from the OW is a safer choice but it allows your spouse to paint the picture he wants you to see, not the actual truth. More than likely, the other woman doesn't want to hurt the wife... if anything, she sees it from the view of it this was her husband, she would want to know who he really is and the second life he is living. I guess that is how I saw it once she started asking me questions.

[Steve51]

I used to travel about 3 months out of every year, mostly overseas where I would never see the other woman again. However, even though we were not monogamous, I did not have sex with anyone while on a business trip.

 

We had a don't ask, don't tell policy. My wife has said that what the eyes do not see, the heart cannot feel. There is no upside to telling a spouse about a past affair. Most confess to alleviate the guilt they feel and in do so, they destroy their spouses world. If she does not know, it did not happen in her world and as long as you resolve to not cheat again, your marriage proceeds as usual. If you tell her it will take a very long time to regain her trust and that trust will never be the same as it was at the beginning. She will be suspicious of anything you do out of the ordinary. She will bring up your cheating every time you have an argument with her. You will have to answer her questions about who was it and what you did, where and when. She will need to know rather than let her imagination run wild. It is difficult to fully recover once you confess.

 

A co-worker in Hong Kong with me, asked me if I ever thought that my wife had sex with other men. I told him that even if she did so every day I was gone, it did not make even a ripple in our marriage so who cares.