shellybing Posted August 15, 2017 Share Posted August 15, 2017 i would just want a simple yes or no, didn't matter who it was from. Link to post Share on other sites
pheonixrisen Posted August 15, 2017 Share Posted August 15, 2017 "Let's face it, if she had concern for me, she wouldn't have been the OW in the first place." Let's face it- if your husband had concern for you there wouldn't be an OW in the first place. This could be discussed at lengths and we All would be going round in circles .with no answers Because if there was no concern would you really be an ow in an affair ...if there was no concern wouldn't he just call you in front of the wife and say oh this is the other woman I am getting with get use to it If there was no concern why are affairs conducted in secrecy .behind the bs back what exactly would be the concern to have it out in the open right in front of every one ....only if there was no concern Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted August 15, 2017 Share Posted August 15, 2017 "Let's face it, if she had concern for me, she wouldn't have been the OW in the first place." Let's face it- if your husband had concern for you there wouldn't be an OW in the first place. This is called deflection, and while true, the OW is still a woman who has so little ethical compass that she would sleep with a married man. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted August 15, 2017 Share Posted August 15, 2017 "Let's face it, if she had concern for me, she wouldn't have been the OW in the first place." Let's face it- if your husband had concern for you there wouldn't be an OW in the first place. Sorry, but this the response of a three year old child who was sneaking cookies from the jar with her brother and gets caught. op, a husband or wife who has been cheated on, especially of there is a risk that they could catch an std form their ws, needs to have that truth. Yes, it's going to hurt to know they are cheating ( or have cheated) but at least they will be able to take steps to protect their health. Some std's , like syphilis, can exist in the body for years with few recognizable signs, causing damage all that time. Especially if a woman or man is a parent and are responsible for the welfare of others, ,they have the right to know what's going on in their life. Some bs may fee differently,as is their prerogative. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moonlight_coffee Posted August 15, 2017 Author Share Posted August 15, 2017 Well I told her. Sent her an email, not anticipating a response. Just saying that he's Still cheating and for how long. Etc. Did not Include any proof. Yes she may not believe me but given that she has already found out about it twice, the choice to believe is really up to her. Then again he's a very good liar so I suppose the two times she found out he was able to spin some lies to tell her. The second time there was proof of the affair in our text messages so idk what he could've told her then. Still I told her and now I will move on. And yes I have accepted my part and taken responsibility for my choices. It goes without saying that I'll never be with a mm again. The pain is just not worth it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted August 15, 2017 Share Posted August 15, 2017 Well I told her. Sent her an email, not anticipating a response. Just saying that he's Still cheating and for how long. Etc. Did not Include any proof. Yes she may not believe me but given that she has already found out about it twice, the choice to believe is really up to her. Then again he's a very good liar so I suppose the two times she found out he was able to spin some lies to tell her. The second time there was proof of the affair in our text messages so idk what he could've told her then. Still I told her and now I will move on. And yes I have accepted my part and taken responsibility for my choices. It goes without saying that I'll never be with a mm again. The pain is just not worth it She deserved the ability to make an informed decision. Proof is many times advised because the betrayed spouse is obviously likely to be gaslighted and lied to and it can be torture to not really know the truth when making such life altering decisions. That can be especially important if the "truth" is coming from the AP since their integrity is already shot and motivations come into question. Without proof, the BS is more likely to believe their spouse over an AP that may just not want the BS to win or that may just be trying to screw over their former AP so they don't "win." I'd say that if proof can be provided gently, then do so. If it's brutal (such as video of sexual acts), then it should at least be offered. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 15, 2017 Share Posted August 15, 2017 "Let's face it, if she had concern for me, she wouldn't have been the OW in the first place." Let's face it- if your husband had concern for you there wouldn't be an OW in the first place. But this is about the OW telling me because she's pretending that she cares about me. The husband is a whole different kettle of fish and has no relevance to the conversation the OP is suggesting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Joie Posted August 15, 2017 Share Posted August 15, 2017 Sounds like you made a decision but I will answer anyway. As a BS I don't want to hear a thing from the OW. I would not believe anything she says so there is no reason for her to contact me. Link to post Share on other sites
Maraud3r Posted August 15, 2017 Share Posted August 15, 2017 Well not a woman. But yes I absolutely would want to know so I can throw the cheater out instantly and cut them off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted August 15, 2017 Share Posted August 15, 2017 Yes, I would want to know but (as others have said) I would want concrete proof.... Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted August 15, 2017 Share Posted August 15, 2017 I'd want to know, but I'd expect solid proof. Some people are malicious and make this stuff up. Even if there has been a previous affair... A message from the OW seems like sour grapes, so I'm not convinced I'd believe it. After all, if things were good with him and the OW, telling his wife wouldn't come into question. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted August 16, 2017 Share Posted August 16, 2017 Quick question if your husband was cheating on you for the past two years. Would you like to know? From the other woman? When she had room cleared for him to move in. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Southwardbound Posted August 16, 2017 Share Posted August 16, 2017 Quick question if your husband was cheating on you for the past two years. Would you like to know? From the other woman? Does anyone really wish to ever know they are living in a house built upon lies? Does anyone really ever wish to know they weren't enough for their spouse, that they had to look elsewhere for completeness? If trust, honesty, & communication between one another that are supposed to be the founts of a marriage or any partnership are continually being broken, or have been would you really want to know this? I think not. It really doesn't matter who the information comes from, once it's out, it reverberates throughout the marriage forever. It's hits deep in your psyche & you can't step back from it. You will never look at that person in the same way again. Sure you may be able to repair some of the damage. Maybe, you'd be successful in carrying on with the Marriage by going through the motions. But, you'll never truly get rid of that doubt about his actions. Because actions often speak the unconscious mind desires. I say this as not only an OW, but also as a former BS by my ex- H. Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted August 16, 2017 Share Posted August 16, 2017 Good for letting her know. Now send her proof from emails etc. I would want to know. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted August 16, 2017 Share Posted August 16, 2017 Does anyone really wish to ever know they are living in a house built upon lies? Does anyone really ever wish to know they weren't enough for their spouse, that they had to look elsewhere for completeness? If trust, honesty, & communication between one another that are supposed to be the founts of a marriage or any partnership are continually being broken, or have been would you really want to know this? . Yes. I would and I did. The failings were not mine. I needed to know the failings of my WS. I needed to know where the weaknesses were in our marriage. I needed to know those things so that we could build the better marriage we have now. Trust, honesty and communication are never broken any more. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted August 17, 2017 Share Posted August 17, 2017 I wanted to respond on p. 1 but kept reading, thinking surely someone already made the point that occurred to me. But no one did and it seems quite amazing to me that the discussion stayed in this hypothetical state of Would you want to know if your husband cheated (once - implied) ... But if the BS doesn't find out, there's no consequence. And if there's no consequence, the likelihood that WS'll do it again is greater. So for those who said they wouldn't want to know, would you still prefer not knowing there had been multiple affairs over the course of the marriage? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Overtaxed Posted August 17, 2017 Share Posted August 17, 2017 I communicated extensively with the other BS after d-day. Which was a proxy for talking to the OM; she told me what he said to her. It was immensely helpful for getting to the truth. It was also terribly corrosive to my relationship with my W; this woman, who I'd met 3-4 times in my entire life, was telling me the truth where my W was not; I hated that I quickly came to trust her more than my W. I needed to know though. I just wish I'd gotten it from my W instead of the other BS (who got it from her husband). 4 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 I communicated extensively with the other BS after d-day. Which was a proxy for talking to the OM; she told me what he said to her. It was immensely helpful for getting to the truth. It was also terribly corrosive to my relationship with my W; this woman, who I'd met 3-4 times in my entire life, was telling me the truth where my W was not; I hated that I quickly came to trust her more than my W. I needed to know though. I just wish I'd gotten it from my W instead of the other BS (who got it from her husband). I was lucky in that my spouse owned up to what happened. If I had only found out because the w told me, I wouldn't have stayed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 wmacbride, Yes that is the key. No matter how it hurts, it is always better for the WS to confess and give a total true and whole account of what happened. The pain is just amplified and continues, if this does not happens. My 2 cents.... Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 Merremeade.. I was one who said I would not at this point in my life want to know... I will clarify... I do t want to know no matter how many times ... I do not want the other woman or women toEVER contact me... I don't want friends neighbors priests.. children .. no body no one telling me When I was younger my answer may have been different than it is now but today right now in this moment I do not want to know And just for the record... I confessed and so did my husband Both of us could have kept it a secret but we confessed I am trusting I know everything I know he knows everything It is finished I am happier than I have ever been ... and I like it in this place of happiness 5 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 Merremeade.. I was one who said I would not at this point in my life want to know... I will clarify... I do t want to know no matter how many times ... I do not want the other woman or women toEVER contact me... I don't want friends neighbors priests.. children .. no body no one telling me When I was younger my answer may have been different than it is now but today right now in this moment I do not want to know And just for the record... I confessed and so did my husband Both of us could have kept it a secret but we confessed I am trusting I know everything I know he knows everything It is finished I am happier than I have ever been ... and I like it in this place of happiness Abigail, I think this is true for you right now, and not a bad thing or attitude. I think that if you had suspicions, and evidence, your stance mite change or if John, remember thought experiment, was being overt, or crappy, you would want to know. I would say the same about John as well. As you both do not have any reasons, you do not go looking. This would also apply to maybe "past" issues, unless you have a real good reasons and suspicions, why assume the worst? I think your spouse deserves the benefit of the doubt, or at least their side of the story. If one spouse or the other decides to unburden themselves, one must weight the courage this takes, and also that they are asking for help in making it right. Or, if not trying to make it right, what is the reason is for telling you this information is more important then the information itself. Not wanting to know, may not be what your loved one needs from you. They may need you to know, and may need to show and have remorse not only for you, but themselves. Remember reconciliation is a two way street, and both have needs, and wants from it. Both must heal, to make it work. It would be crappy, but I married for better or worse, and sometimes you have to share the worse. Lastly, this is not a choice you get to make. Others, AP your spouse, will decide they need to unburden , or tell you to hurt you. You may not get to stop what they are doing. Your only choice is how you react. I wish you luck.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 Quick question if your husband was cheating on you for the past two years. Would you like to know? From the other woman? An unequivocal absolutely 'Yes'. I wouldn't care who told me. My wife's OM would never tell for fear of his life. But if he did inform me during or shortly after the affair, I would've probably been in denial at first. But, it would explain why my wife went from a warm, caring, loving wife to a cold, distant, pms-ing b!tch in what seemed like overnight. If another co-worked of hers had tipped me off, I would have probably received the news with skepticism. At least an affair would've been on my radar and I would've put all of the pieces together soon after. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 Abigail, I think this is true for you right now, and not a bad thing or attitude. I think that if you had suspicions, and evidence, your stance mite change or if John, remember thought experiment, was being overt, or crappy, you would want to know. I would say the same about John as well. As you both do not have any reasons, you do not go looking. This would also apply to maybe "past" issues, unless you have a real good reasons and suspicions, why assume the worst? I think your spouse deserves the benefit of the doubt, or at least their side of the story. If one spouse or the other decides to unburden themselves, one must weight the courage this takes, and also that they are asking for help in making it right. Or, if not trying to make it right, what is the reason is for telling you this information is more important then the information itself. Not wanting to know, may not be what your loved one needs from you. They may need you to know, and may need to show and have remorse not only for you, but themselves. Remember reconciliation is a two way street, and both have needs, and wants from it. Both must heal, to make it work. It would be crappy, but I married for better or worse, and sometimes you have to share the worse. Lastly, this is not a choice you get to make. Others, AP your spouse, will decide they need to unburden , or tell you to hurt you. You may not get to stop what they are doing. Your only choice is how you react. I wish you luck.... This is so freaking deep and caring. You're always doing this U50. Really good things to remember. We're all here to become better human beings in the long run whether we know it or not, and being reminded of it is the best, most important thing somebody can do for you imho. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 Merremeade.. I was one who said I would not at this point in my life want to know... I will clarify... I do t want to know no matter how many times ... I do not want the other woman or women toEVER contact me... I don't want friends neighbors priests.. children .. no body no one telling me When I was younger my answer may have been different than it is now but today right now in this moment I do not want to know And just for the record... I confessed and so did my husband Both of us could have kept it a secret but we confessed I am trusting I know everything I know he knows everything It is finished I am happier than I have ever been ... and I like it in this place of happiness Even if there was someone out there that prove you do not know very much? Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted August 19, 2017 Share Posted August 19, 2017 Even if there was someone out there that prove you do not know very much? yup.... I am 62 years old...john is about to retire...i do not care I have been married to this man 45 years...i love him..i know him...i accept him if some chickie came to me to tell me some dirt on him...i would grab the pellet gun and shoot her Why is it so hard to believe...that i dont want to know? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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