Would you want to know?

[seren]

Despite the hurt, I am glad my H told me about his affair. I would much prefer to know than second guess his changed behaviour, also I want to live my life on truth and make informed decisions. Not having the truth means my life would be a lie and I truly believe truth will come out eventually, better to have it than find out later and question my life and trust. But, everyone is different, so each to their own. That H told me was one of the reasons we reconciled, had I found out, it would have been very different.

[deadsoul]

yup....

 

I am 62 years old...john is about to retire...i do not care

 

I have been married to this man 45 years...i love him..i know him...i accept him

 

if some chickie came to me to tell me some dirt on him...i would grab the pellet gun and shoot her

 

Why is it so hard to believe...that i dont want to know?

 

so you really would shoot the messenger? ;-)

 

I believe it and I get it. I'm the cheater and if my BH was doing it, I don't want to know. If it was ongoing, I'd want to know. If it was over and not going to happen ever again, and he could live with the guilt, dishonesty and deceit then I don't want to know. Interesting how I did exactly the opposite of what I would want in that situation, eh? I didn't tell because of the guilt though, like many may believe.

[Marc878]

so you really would shoot the messenger? ;-)

 

I believe it and I get it. I'm the cheater and if my BH was doing it, I don't want to know. If it was ongoing, I'd want to know. If it was over and not going to happen ever again, and he could live with the guilt, dishonesty and deceit then I don't want to know. Interesting how I did exactly the opposite of what I would want in that situation, eh? I didn't tell because of the guilt though, like many may believe.

 

What was the reason?

[elaine567]

yup....

I am 62 years old...john is about to retire...i do not care

I have been married to this man 45 years...i love him..i know him...i accept him

if some chickie came to me to tell me some dirt on him...i would grab the pellet gun and shoot her

Why is it so hard to believe...that i dont want to know?

 

OK but the assumption here is that nothing will change in your world, OW or not.

If the presence of an OW meant that your world would be turned upside down, then "knowing" ASAP, may acquire far more significance.

[knabe]

yup....

 

I am 62 years old...john is about to retire...i do not care

 

I have been married to this man 45 years...i love him..i know him...i accept him

 

if some chickie came to me to tell me some dirt on him...i would grab the pellet gun and shoot her

 

Why is it so hard to believe...that i dont want to know?

 

Because it doesn't fit the marriage forums narrative,plain and simple.

 

I get your stance.

 

It's really weird to me that total strangers would get so bent out of shape over YOUR choice.

[merrmeade]

If it was over and not going to happen ever again,...

And how does anyone know that?

[understand50]

All,

 

We are talking about a hypothetical situation here. The responses, are normal and human. Not wanting, or wishing, to hear information, such as your spouse is, or was, cheating is not the same thing as burying your head in the sand when you know. I am sure, if Mrs JA, or John, was to get information on the other, they would confront and talk it out. The fact they are in a good place, and wish to remain so, does not show any lack of moral fiber. For the record, I am sure they are fine, and would like to remain so.

 

Deadsouls comment, of, "she would rather not know", is also normal. Yes, we do not know if the cheating was a one time thing, but I submit, infidelity, like all other human thing is a unique event to each couple and individual. Cheating once does not have to leave to a life time of it. Yes, it does for some, but not for others. I think there are probably more people with a one time, one night stand, who then swear off doing the same again, and then keep quiet about it the the ones who then embark on a string of the same, or a long term affair. Would the other spouse want to know? Know 5, 10, 20 years on? Maybe, and maybe not. Point is, if my marriage is going well, I would not welcome information blowing it apart. I have had that happen, it is not fun. If I received "bad" information, I would of course, investigate. My wife would get the benefit of the doubt. Why assume the worst?

 

Remember, that on Love Shack, we are in a bubble. We are talking to folks who have cheated, been betrayed, or it is happening in real time. They and we are attuned to this, and so see it more then we should. This is not the real world, but a self select group. I would also state, that for myself, I do wish I did not have to select myself to be here, but I had issues and questions I needed to work out. I am sure, Mrs JA, John, Deadsoul, Merrmeade, Knabe and many others have the same wish, that they had no need of Love Shack, TAM or SI.

 

Until, something like this happens to you, or until you have a gut feeling that something is wrong, hoping and not wanting to go through a painful time, is rational, and quite normal. If not, you have to wonder, what is seriously wrong with yourself.

 

My two cents.......

Edited August 20, 2017 by understand50

[DKT3]

Trying to place myself back into my pre affair mindset I would say I wouldn't want to know. In fact, when my wife started her affair I knew, but I didn't want too. I ignored all the signs and evidence. That guy didn't want to know.

 

My post affair mindset, this guy has to know. I believe if you are keeping secrets then what kind of relationship are you involved in? What is genuine and authentic about that? How can you truly love someone that you can't or won't share your life with?

 

Having had both kinds of relationships with the same person, I know I need the second, the one where I don't have to guess or assume things about the person I've dedicated my life to.

[Mrs. John Adams]

it is true we are all speculating...and the reality is...no one really knows how they will react until they are living the situation.

 

I would not have known john had a revenge affair had he not told me. I truly had no clue. We were already living in the fallout from my affair...so it wasn't like we were in a great place and i knew something was off. Our lives had already been turned and twisted to an unrecognizable place for us...

 

DO I wish he had not told me? you know what...i am not sure knowing or not knowing would have made any difference...while i was hurt...I was not devastated...because there was a real part of me that felt i deserved it...(we don't need to discuss how i felt....i know i did not deserve it...but i FELT i did) Leaving him...never even crossed my mind. So did his RA make a difference...no not really. So he could have kept his secret.

 

If today....he cheated...it would be a completely different scenario and situation than it was 32 years ago. I would probably suspect something...something would be off. Would i want the ow to tell me...no...and i think this was the OP's original question.

 

I would not want the OW to contact me. I probably would not believe her...and i certainly would not accept her with open arms....thus the pellet gun...lol

 

And I already said...I would not want anyone else to tell me either.

 

There have been tons of threads here about this subject...and i understand both sides and differing opinions. I tend to think its none of my business and am on the don't tell bandwagon. So of course i would not want others to come and tell me.

 

None of us can determine what is right for someone else. We can disagree and not understand why they are thinking the way they are thinking...but at the end of the day...we only get to say what we think is right for us.

 

I have dealt with most of the bad things in my life by pushing them down deep and forgetting about them...that's who i am...wrong or right. So yes...it makes sense that i don't want to know....

 

It may not be the right response for you but i am being honest.

[GoldenR]

For me, yep. Tell me. Right a-freaking-way. And if you're my friend and you don't tell me, and I find it about it, then you're on my **** list. Life is too short to spend it with someone's false love.

[Mrs. John Adams]

By the way...someone just said to me.... I've seen you advise people to confess

 

Yes i have...and i believe that's is the right thing to do

 

But the original question was... if your husband was cheating on you for the past two years. Would you like to know? From the other woman?

 

the question was not should you tell. Huge difference. I don't want to know....but i DID confess.

[deadsoul]

What was the reason?

 

I did not want to live a life of dishonesty anymore and knew in order to change my behaviors, I had to make myself accountable to the people I love. It's crappy, that I had to tell and mess up all of their lives, but I had to risk everything in order to get myself back. Also, I'm a full believer of when you make mistakes/bad choices, you own them. I was a hypocrite and I knew I had to own what I did so I can change.

 

I will maintain I did not confess out of guilt. I felt/feel plenty of it, but confessing did not ease that AT ALL. People might see my confession as selfish and that's fine too, I did what was best for my family and me moving forward. I am not perfect, far from it. But at least now I'm honest and I'm living honestly.

[deadsoul]

And how does anyone know that?

 

They don't. I don't know that I'll never cheat again. That's why I won't say it. But I do know the signs of getting into that kind of situation and I know now to back away. I do know that I make the choice every day to live how I want to live now. And I have promised that if I get into something like this again, I will tell my H right away. I owe him that.

 

I hated cheaters. I said, "I'll never, ever cheat" "Cheaters are scum."

Well. I'm officially scum. So I try not to say never about anything anymore. (Though I catch myself doing it)

 

I still would not want to know. That said, if I suspected something and he lied to me and I found out differently later, that would be a whole different ball game. In my case, he never suspected. Never would've found out. Did not even believe it at first. Had he asked me I would not have been able to lie. Kind of ironic that I'm a cheater and an absolutely terrible liar. However, I'm good at lying by omission, which I'm not proud of and work every day to not be in that situation again.

[lovinDKT3]

They don't. I don't know that I'll never cheat again. That's why I won't say it. But I do know the signs of getting into that kind of situation and I know now to back away. I do know that I make the choice every day to live how I want to live now. And I have promised that if I get into something like this again, I will tell my H right away. I owe him that.

 

I hated cheaters. I said, "I'll never, ever cheat" "Cheaters are scum."

Well. I'm officially scum. So I try not to say never about anything anymore. (Though I catch myself doing it)

 

I still would not want to know. That said, if I suspected something and he lied to me and I found out differently later, that would be a whole different ball game. In my case, he never suspected. Never would've found out. Did not even believe it at first. Had he asked me I would not have been able to lie. Kind of ironic that I'm a cheater and an absolutely terrible liar. However, I'm good at lying by omission, which I'm not proud of and work every day to not be in that situation again.

It's more than a lie by omissions. I know it's comfortable to say things like this to knock the edge off that dagger used to murder the image we had of ourselves. You flat out lied. Any time he said how was your day, what did you do, if you didn't say oh I had sex with another man you lied. Any time you mislead to explain missing time and you did not say I was with om you lied. The fact that you say he had no clue, says you are indeed an exceptionally adapt liar.

 

I also believe that you can commit to never doing it again. Not being willing to do so in some ways it's being all in. You can absolutely commit to never doing it again, you have a choice and can always choose not too.

[knabe]

It's more than a lie by omissions. I know it's comfortable to say things like this to knock the edge off that dagger used to murder the image we had of ourselves. You flat out lied. Any time he said how was your day, what did you do, if you didn't say oh I had sex with another man you lied. Any time you mislead to explain missing time and you did not say I was with om you lied. The fact that you say he had no clue, says you are indeed an exceptionally adapt liar.

 

I also believe that you can commit to never doing it again. Not being willing to do so in some ways it's being all in. You can absolutely commit to never doing it again, you have a choice and can always choose not too.

 

Um.....i believe she confessed.

[GoldenR]

Yeah...she did.....I'm confused by lovin's comment as well.

[lovinDKT3]

Yes, she confessed. I applaud her for that. I never had the courage to do it.

 

What I'm talking about is accountability. She is minimizing, and making it seem as if fidelity is out of her control. She lied throughout her affair, you can't be honest and be in an affair. Her lies were not only by omission, they were flat out lies.

 

I'm sorry for the t/j I will go away now

[merrmeade]

... I think both lovin' and d.s. have stored away WHAT THEY NEED & LEARNED in their own ways and how they need to deal with it going forward. In that way, there's no one right way of "calling it." Seems to me that d.s. doesn't do absolutes. She talks the complicated reality of shifting her priorities compared to lovin's reductionist truth or lie. They're not in conflict; they're both right for their situations. The excruciating honesty needed to reconcile for the ex-WS may not look and sound the same, but we're not the ones that need to be convinced. Can't judge that imho.

[knabe]

Yeah...she did.....I'm confused by lovin's comment as well.

 

I'm not confused by it at all.

 

I am confused as to ALL the angst over other stranger's answers to a hypothetical question lol

[deadsoul]

Yes, she confessed. I applaud her for that. I never had the courage to do it.

 

What I'm talking about is accountability. She is minimizing, and making it seem as if fidelity is out of her control. She lied throughout her affair, you can't be honest and be in an affair. Her lies were not only by omission, they were flat out lies.

 

I'm sorry for the t/j I will go away now

 

I'm not minimizing. Fidelity is COMPLETELY in my control. This is why I make the choice EVERY day not to cheat again. Promising never to cheat again are words. Empty words in my book. My actions will speak louder than my words ever can. That's where I stand.

 

Yes, not telling the truth was lying. (which I said above) However, every time you don't tell your spouse every little thing does that mean you're lying? I don't agree with that logic, but I agree that what I was doing was lying by omission. Lying by omission made me a dishonest, cheap person. But I'm talking about being asked direct questions. I have difficulty lying when asked directly. I never was. Which says something about the communication in my marriage, which I'm working on.

 

No need to go away. I think you have a different view of what I'm saying and that's fine, but I want to clear up that fidelity is completely in my control with my actions. My words don't mean ****.

Edited August 21, 2017 by deadsoul

[road]

However, every time you don't tell your spouse every little thing does that mean you're lying?

 

Yes it does.

 

BH what did you do today

WW I went to the store and bought milk

 

the WW did not tell that she bought bread. No problem.

But if the WW bumped into the OM and broke NC by accident

she is definitely lying. And she denied the opportunity

for her and her BH to work out a plan to prevent a future

break in NC. Such as never go to that store again.

 

As to questions about the affair.

 

BH did you have sex with the OM

WW yes

BH was the sex good

WW yes

 

Did BH ask for why the sex was good? No he did not.

So the WW did not lie by omission in this case when

she left out that the OM was 10", would last an hour,

and would do her three times every session, for the

BH did not ask for those details.

 

When it comes to learning about the affair the BH

controls the level of information that he learns

by the questions that he asks.

 

This is why the BH is told to peel away the layers

for once he hears something he can never un-hear it.

[understand50]

We need to go back to the original question. Would you want to know? Beating up on Deadsoul, does not do anything, but virtue signal. She has not posted in her own thread, but from her other post she has been doing all a WS should do to reconcile. I hope that her husband is still with her, and is doing as well as can be. In any case, we all should remember, that each couple and person is unique, and just because they do not do all the steps you would like them to do, does not mean they are not working at reclaiming their morals and honor. The first step was for Deadsoul to have the courage to confess.

 

This also goes to the whole matter of the "would you like to know". Everyone one of us has a opinion, and they all matter, and should be respected. We need to keep in mind that our lives, our experiences, are our own and we can only take advise and, maybe some wisdom, and try and apply it to our own unique situation. Deadsoul, for what it is worth, I think you are doing fine. I hope there is hope for your marriage. I would urge you to restart your thread, if you feel, or want, opinions on what you should do, or what WE think is going on.

 

My two cents........

[knabe]

Without virtue signaling, half the sites on the internet would not exist lol

 

But you make a good point. The question was WOULD you want to know, not SHOULD you want to know.

 

The internet has made us all believe we are arbiters of the absolute.....

 

 

We aren't

[BluesPower]

We need to go back to the original question. Would you want to know? Beating up on Deadsoul, does not do anything, but virtue signal. She has not posted in her own thread, but from her other post she has been doing all a WS should do to reconcile. I hope that her husband is still with her, and is doing as well as can be. In any case, we all should remember, that each couple and person is unique, and just because they do not do all the steps you would like them to do, does not mean they are not working at reclaiming their morals and honor. The first step was for Deadsoul to have the courage to confess.

 

This also goes to the whole matter of the "would you like to know". Everyone one of us has a opinion, and they all matter, and should be respected. We need to keep in mind that our lives, our experiences, are our own and we can only take advise and, maybe some wisdom, and try and apply it to our own unique situation. Deadsoul, for what it is worth, I think you are doing fine. I hope there is hope for your marriage. I would urge you to restart your thread, if you feel, or want, opinions on what you should do, or what WE think is going on.

 

My two cents........

 

I agree... And I think that she has come a long way from where she was.

 

Whether it works out or not, I think she has done everything she can do to recover her marriage.

 

And in the end it is not up to her. It is up to her husband...

[Popsicle]

No I wouldn't want to know if my husband wasn't planning on divorcing me anyway.