Would you want to know?

[deadsoul]

[

"Hey honey. I saw this guy at the store and he was so hot"

Do you want to know that, even if I didn't associate with the guy?

 

Well duh. Breaking NC with an OM is a no brainer: you tell.

 

But I stand by you don't tell your spouse every little thing. That said, if you omit something important, then you damn well better tell.

 

But that's between two spouses. I don't want to know every time my H checks out chicks or looks at porn. And maybe in some relationships, looking at others or porn is considered cheating. But that's between them. The important thing is communication.

 

I have no need to start my thread again at this point. R is a personal thing between H and I and I choose not to put it here. People can judge me or my actions all they want. The one who I now turn to each day and hold myself accountable to is my H.

 

Finally, I'm not feeling beat up upon. I feel like it's a healthy discussion with different view points. We can agree to disagree. I'm typing on my phone so excuse errors please.

 

 

QUOTE=road;7396933]Yes it does.

 

BH what did you do today

WW I went to the store and bought milk

 

the WW did not tell that she bought bread. No problem.

But if the WW bumped into the OM and broke NC by accident

she is definitely lying. And she denied the opportunity

for her and her BH to work out a plan to prevent a future

break in NC. Such as never go to that store again.

 

As to questions about the affair.

 

BH did you have sex with the OM

WW yes

BH was the sex good

WW yes

 

Did BH ask for why the sex was good? No he did not.

So the WW did not lie by omission in this case when

she left out that the OM was 10", would last an hour,

and would do her three times every session, for the

BH did not ask for those details.

 

When it comes to learning about the affair the BH

controls the level of information that he learns

by the questions that he asks.

 

This is why the BH is told to peel away the layers

for once he hears something he can never un-hear it.

[understand50]

[

"Hey honey. I saw this guy at the store and he was so hot"

Do you want to know that, even if I didn't associate with the guy?

 

Well duh. Breaking NC with an OM is a no brainer: you tell.

 

But I stand by you don't tell your spouse every little thing. That said, if you omit something important, then you damn well better tell.

 

But that's between two spouses. I don't want to know every time my H checks out chicks or looks at porn. And maybe in some relationships, looking at others or porn is considered cheating. But that's between them. The important thing is communication.

 

I have no need to start my thread again at this point. R is a personal thing between H and I and I choose not to put it here. People can judge me or my actions all they want. The one who I now turn to each day and hold myself accountable to is my H.

 

Finally, I'm not feeling beat up upon. I feel like it's a healthy discussion with different view points. We can agree to disagree. I'm typing on my phone so excuse errors please.

 

 

 

Deadsoul,

 

Good to know. Glad you are doing better.

 

Best of luck.....

[deadsoul]

Deadsoul,

 

Good to know. Glad you are doing better.

 

Best of luck.....

 

Thanks for "having my back"

 

I still have a long way to go. But I've made some progress.

 

Bottom line is communication is important. But it's your actions that determine who you are, whether you decide to confess or not or whether you want to know if your significant other is cheating or not.

 

This has been an interesting, insightful discussion for me and I like reading other viewpoints differing from mine. Whether or not I agree with them, I still learn something.

[Doublegold]

I had dinner with my dearest friend last night. My beautiful, smart, sexy and loving friend. Her husband cheated on her five years ago. She is intutive and knew pretty soon. She kicked him out, I moved in for a month to care for her. She couldn't function well, feed her pets, have a finished sentence....

 

They reconciled. I asked her this question "Would you want to know" as in be told by the XOW---because being in a long time affair myself we discuss this stuff.

 

She said if it was over she wouldn't want to know.

[jenkins95]

I had dinner with my dearest friend last night. My beautiful, smart, sexy and loving friend. Her husband cheated on her five years ago. She is intutive and knew pretty soon. She kicked him out, I moved in for a month to care for her. She couldn't function well, feed her pets, have a finished sentence....

 

They reconciled. I asked her this question "Would you want to know" as in be told by the XOW---because being in a long time affair myself we discuss this stuff.

 

She said if it was over she wouldn't want to know.

 

((Doublegold))

 

I'm sorry, I can't resist a t/j as I am a reconciling fWS!

 

Do you mind me asking how R is going for them? How longer after kicking him out did he move back in? Is their marriage back to "normal" now? How are her friends (like you) with him. You know what he did to your great friend. How are you with him? Are you normal/friendly with him? Or is there an edge? What do you truly think about him?

 

Sorry for the t/j but would love to know the answers!

[Doublegold]

((Doublegold))

 

I'm sorry, I can't resist a t/j as I am a reconciling fWS!

 

Do you mind me asking how R is going for them? How longer after kicking him out did he move back in? Is their marriage back to "normal" now? How are her friends (like you) with him. You know what he did to your great friend. How are you with him? Are you normal/friendly with him? Or is there an edge? What do you truly think about him?

 

Sorry for the t/j but would love to know the answers!

 

Hi Jenkins, of course I will answer any questions if it is helpful.

 

*how long were they separated?

 

He was gone for the summer. He moved back into a suite in the house when she started to recover and was going out.

 

R was very hard. They both had gone to lawyers. They are prominent and wealthy. She told everyone. Once she agreed to R it was at least three years before I felt a shift in her. She only R'd for her child/lifestyle as she was still so angry and hurt. She wanted her child to have the same opportunities his grown children had. BUT--she always loved him. Always. And they had an intimate relationship, very sexual. One of the reasons I was shocked he stepped out on her.

 

*How am I with him? I knew him before her. He is like family to me, I love him. Their children consider me an Aunt, mine the same with them. He and I have never discussed the A. Everyone else in his world accepted when they moved on together. He is very powerful, no one would cross him on anything. He does not know I am in an A. That was all my friend ever asked of me--that he never know, as she felt he would feel somewhat vindicated. He has met my AP and loves him. He does not know he is M.

 

*How do I feel about his A? Frankly, I was shocked. I couldn't believe that he would cheat on my friend whom I see as incomparable. But he did. I was her greatest confident so I knew there were BIG problems in the family, lots of anger and therapy for years. She always feared he would cheat on her, and I always said he would never ever as she was the best.

 

*What do I truly think of him? I love him and I understand how people become lost. But my allegiance is with her, which he knows and respects and is probably why we have never discussed the A.

 

If anyone is curious --I told her about my A after they reconciled. I knew I had to but I was 3 years into it when he cheated on her and that wasn't the time to tell her. But I did tell her that winter. She never judged me. Like I said--she's very special.

Edited August 23, 2017 by Doublegold
Added on--on phone excuse errors

[jenkins95]

Thank you DG, that's really interesting and very useful to know. It sounds like, after a very tough few years of R, they are truly happy again. I really hope so.

 

Good luck to you too, DG, I've really enjoyed reading your latest posts! You're a star