Found out ex is a whore, abusive night

[Craig]

Originally posted by aares

Craig: I am not 100% sure I have anger problems...what would everyone else do in this situation...just say, "thanks for doing this to me" and then leave? What does that do? I feel that it would do nothing at all. I wasnt planning on all of this happening...I was planning on calling her a slut and a whore and tell her that she is a f*** up.

 

Originally posted by aares

Ok...last night was a f***ing mess. Well I dont know if anyone remembers but I am the guy who mentally abused my gf over the course of 5 months....

 

...I get out of the car, walk around to the front passenger and open the door. I took her hand and pulled her out of the car. She didnt fall or anything yet....

 

...At this point my heart sinks again, and a rage comes over me. I start calling her every name in the insult book...everything, until she started crying...just like before. I f***ing went to a therapist for this s***...but I guess I was so angry that I didnt even think about anything other than what was going on. After like 5-6 minutes of calling her names, she tries to reach in and grab her purse, probably to call someone. I push her shoulder away, then she started to hit me on my chest. I took both hands and pushed her hard, and she fell and started balling. I walk up to her while she was still on the ground:...

 

...She stands up and I grab her wrists and pull her close to me. She tells me to leave her alone, but my mind was in rage mode and I didnt let go. ... I walk up to her and grab her shoulder and spin her around and she punches me in my head, so I push her again and she falls again...

 

... I grab her wrists and again, I tell her that I love her and ask her how she could do this to me. I start calling her names again and I said something that really pissed her off, I think it was about how her whole family is the same because her mom is a slut and her sister is a slut. Her dad cheats on his wife all the time. She clocked me in my eye (im suprised I dont have a black eye) and then knocks the wind out of me. I push her away and she trips over a concrete car stopper and hits her head. I start calling her names again ... I look at my ex in the eye, and I say, "slut".

 

I am lost...I love her so much but yet I am so angry.

 

I am 100% sure you have an anger management problem.

[freebird]

I think you BOTH should just not have further contact with each other. You obviously bring out the worse in each other, and one day, somebody is going to end up being hurt!!

 

Nobody mentioned this, but I saw that you said BOTH her parent s cheat on each other - well, if she does not have good role models for parents, she probably doesn't think cheating on you is wrong.

 

I don't think this much energy and anger is good. Find somebody AFTER you deal with your anger and hurt and confusion who brings out the best in you. It's doubtful your ex or whatever she is will cease cheating on you - for a number of reasons.

 

She might hurt you seriously in the future, then what? I think you BOTH are abusive towards each other and have a lot of pent up frustration and rage.

 

Start working out at the gym and get her out of your system - it's the only way.

 

This is sort of off the subject, but it bothers me to see men getting pummeled ruthlessly by a woman and I've seen this happen!! I have seen men NOT do anything except get wailed on because they don't want to look like abusers, meanwhile the woman is going to town and bloodying the guy up! I think in some situations, LEGALLY, a man does have the right to defend himself - it's called self-defense. And that means NOT using excessive force, just using the same or less amount of force (if possible) to defend yourself.

 

I am an attorney and I'm not for physical violence at all and have many friends who work as Public Defenders - I have seen way too many men beaten up badly because of a woman' temperment - so, all you men, you DO HAVE A RIGHT TO DEFEND YOURSELF WITHIN REASON!

[freebird]

I have a brother - and I have to say if his wife beat him up badly because he would NEVER EVER touch her back, I would have to step in!!

 

People, there is abuse on both sides. I just think men sometimes get the short end of the stick because they are "men". But, if you ever saw a man with half an eyelid torn off by his wife or girlfriends FAKE nails and nearly blinded because he was too much of a gentlemen to touch her despite the fact she was fVking wailing on him - youd THINK TWICE about men never touching women. The law says self-defense is okay, just not to use "excessive force". We are talking physical abuse - which NOBODY should have to take.

 

I douby any woman, mother, sister would be okay if she saw her son or brother being badly beaten to the point where blood was blinding his sight and perhaps he is blinded period.

 

Just had to get that off my chest - this post evoked some BAD situations I have had to deal with in the past.

 

Violence is not the way.

 

Animal abuse is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO not tolerated by me either!!

[clandestinidad]

Freebird: while I agree with you totally, I dont think it applies in this situation. She punched him b/c he wouldnt stop verbally and physically abusing her (still, not okay to hit him either though). I just hope this guy doesnt think what you were saying was in agreement w/ what he did, or that he was justified in what he did. The situation you described is nothing like the one he told us about.

[freebird]

No, I don't want him to think I was in agreement - I think they BOTH need to just SEPERATE!!

 

I don't advocate violence of any kind. I guess I saw how vehemently everyone was saying men should never touch a woman, and for the most part - 99% of the time - heck no! My example was probably the only example I could think of where men SHOULD touch women or you know, defend themselves and nobody would chastise them for that.

 

I think what he did was wrong outright. If a man shoved me or knocked me down, he'd lose his freaking balls and pull back two stumps!

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by freebird

he'd lose his freaking balls and pull back two stumps!

 

[freebird]

Fly: I know how I just raved about not condoning violence, so I thought geez, I just WROTe something violent!

 

well, then again...that is a different situation once again!!

 

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by freebird

Fly: I know how I just raved about not condoning violence, so I thought geez, I just WROTe something violent!

 

well, then again...that is a different situation once again!!

 

 

Relax ... When I read the part of pulling back two stumps my crotch tightend up for safety ..Those words kinda go right thru a guy right down to the stump..

[InLimbo2]

Originally posted by freebird

This is sort of off the subject, but it bothers me to see men getting pummeled ruthlessly by a woman and I've seen this happen!! I have seen men NOT do anything except get wailed on because they don't want to look like abusers, meanwhile the woman is going to town and bloodying the guy up! I think in some situations, LEGALLY, a man does have the right to defend himself - it's called self-defense. And that means NOT using excessive force, just using the same or less amount of force (if possible) to defend yourself.

 

I am an attorney and I'm not for physical violence at all and have many friends who work as Public Defenders - I have seen way too many men beaten up badly because of a woman' temperment - so, all you men, you DO HAVE A RIGHT TO DEFEND YOURSELF WITHIN REASON!

 

Oh I agree totally, a PERSON has the right to defend themselves against anyone - female or not. The problem is the girl didn't have him cornered and beating on him - SHE kept trying to get away - HE kept going after here and draggin her back. Here in MD (and ethically I think too) you have a 'duty to retreat' before using same/equal force to defend yourself. He should have walked away, and/or he should have not gone after her and kept the physical abuse going. If I were being chased in a parking lot by an abusive psycho who wouldn't let me go - damn straight I'd be hittin on him, knee to the groin, etc. SHE was being abused and SHE was defending herself and trying to get away - she wasn't just beating on him and not letting him go - she was trying to retreat!

[westernxer]

If my ex-girlfriend was a slut with me, I'd have no problem.

[jadedjessie]

Definition of abuse: "acts that cause physical harm or injury"

 

There is nothing there that defines hitting as abuse and not pushing. You caused your ex harm/injury. You abused her. That is illegal.

 

Yes, your ex made a mistake in this situation. However, you reacted by making an even bigger mistake. You wonder how many mistakes she is allowed to make? How about, how many are you allowed to make?

 

From your first post you sound like you have a history of this sort of thing. Emotional abuse is still just as wrong as physical abuse.

 

Please leave your ex alone. Do that favor for her and for yourself. Just forget about her and everything that happened. If she broke your trust so badly, she is not worth your time, right?

 

Please, please, please, take the first step and admit you have a problem. Whether or not it was the first time you were physically abusive or not, the fact that you did it so relentlessly leads me to believe it is very likely to happen again.

 

Don't hurt the people you love.. physically or emotionally.

 

Get help. Please. You can go to your doctor to find out about anger management programs, or you can call this number to get some referrals:

303-832-6363

 

It took me some time to dig up that number. I did it for you, though. So that you can help yourself get better. Don't hesitate to call. Don't be afraid to admit you need help. Everybody needs help with something in their life.

 

Good luck to you. God bless.

[aares]

Well, thank you for that number...I called it and I left a message on this one guys voice mailbox for him to return my call. Im gonna give it a shot and see what they say.

 

My ex left me a message on my phone saying "Im sorry". I message her back and say "sure you are". She responded "It was a mistake, I am sorry". I responded "how can it be a mistake...what is the reason for doing this?" She responded simply "It was a mistake". I get angry cause she wont tell me the reason, so I messaged her back saying"Hey be a big girl and tell me why. Are you afraid to tell me? It doesnt matter now anyway, so just tell me. You make the more fustrating than it need be just give me your reason".

 

Her friend started messaging me and was threatening me, and I told her to stfu and stop with the threats. She did, and now her and I have been messaging back and forth about the entire situation. The weird thing is that her friend doesnt seem too...angry with more for doing what I did. Im gonna have to talk to her later and see what else she has to say.

 

Thanks again for that number jessie. Maybe this will help me realize I have a problem, because I dont feel like I have one now.

[Bronzepen]

Originally posted by aares

 

Bronzepen: I know the answer would be to call the cops...I have done that before...but this was more of my initiaion of the fight that night than it was her. In all actuality, yes, I DID want her to say, "yes I am a slut, yes I f***ed up and yes I made an agreement with you and screwed that up". I didnt want to hear, "I love you too" because at that point I didnt care if she loved me or not.

 

Again....and then what?

 

To what end. Your hurting now and all you want to do is make her feel the same way you do or make her understand how much pain she inflicted on you with her action.

 

To what end. She knows and apologized but your pain is too great to accept this apology right now. So no matter what she says your still going to be angry.

 

For me to be at peace, I want her to confess to everything that she ever did, I want her to be completely honest with me about everything, like if she truly loves me, what the actual reason for everything was, I just want her to be completely truthful to me about anything I ask her. We were not together, I messed around a little and she messed around a lot. She always told me sex was about the passion...about two people loving each other and s*** and that is what I believe. What about now? There was no passion between them they dont talk or anything. I think if I know the reason why she did it, it might make me feel a little different about the whole situation, but how do I find that out? I dont want to call her but I do have questions for her still that I forgot to ask her.

 

No, you won't feel different. Even after you have all the answers, the pain remains.

 

Even worse, any answer she gives you, you will always have more questions or refuse to believe her because you have lost your trust with her.

 

So any conversion is pointless.

 

Bottom line, you just want to talk to her because you want her to feel the pain your feeling and you want her to feel the same way you do.

 

Utterly pointless and a waste of time.

 

 

Maybe no one understands what I am thinking. Basically...I love this girl. I was always against marriage until a few months after we were together, then every week I thought more and more that I could marry this girl and spend a life with her and be good to her. I would to almost everything for this girl...and her the same for me. I got controlling, and after a while I ended it. I got help for being controlling, I thought everything was fine. It was...we were talking about getting back together, hell we were talking about how many kids we wanted and about where we could buy a house. All of a sudden, everything collapsed upon itself because she did the unthinkable...she had sex with another guy. It really sounds like all of you dont give a s*** who your partner f***s at all, as long as they are with you, you are satisfied. I am the total opposite. I believe sex is for two people that love each other, or atleast care for each other on a different level...not for people who dont really know each other. When I heard that it happened, I realized that it wasnt a mistake. HOW CAN THIS BE A MISTAKE? How can someone who loves me, do something horrible like this to me? f***ing damn I should have played her the entire time. For almost a year, I could have played her and she wouldnt have known. If you love someone, how do you let this happen? She always told me she loved making love with me...but what was my tic-tac d1ck to small, or maybe I didnt slap her on the ass hard enough? Maybe I was horrible in the sac I dont know. I just cannot understand why this happened. WTF did she not think of me at all during that night, or was she too interested in the d1ck? Why did she want to be with me again, and why did she not tell me? This is waht I am thinking...I basically thought that we had a love connection, and that she would not let anyone interfere with that (aka not f***ing someone) because I felt that was for me to do because she loved me. What is there now? She f***ed some guy and thats it...there is nothing. Nothing special atleast...she was f***ed by another guy and I thought I was the only one who she would let make love to her.

 

You just answered your own question.

 

You had expectations and an uderstanding of your relationship with her but now you know her expectations and understanding were not the same.

 

It all comes down to communication. But right now your not ready for communication. Your way too angry and this is normal, except for the pushing part.

 

 

What I do want to know, is what I am supposed to do about finding out WHY she did this. That means I need to contact her. Bronzepen has it right, I think if I found out why, then I can go on and go on from there.

 

 

Remember what I said. Right now, your never gonna truly believe anything she tells you. Your too angry and hurting.

 

In the end it all comes down to trust.

 

After you have all the answers, the final question falls on you.

 

Can you ever trust her again?

 

Of course, there is also the fact if she wants to work things out with you or not.

 

 

You have a long road ahead of you with dealing with this and it's going to be a roller coaster ride of emotions.

 

Ride it out.

 

Don't act on your anger but learn from it.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by aares

Well, thank you for that number...I called it and I left a message on this one guys voice mailbox for him to return my call. Im gonna give it a shot and see what they say.

 

Maybe this will help me realize I have a problem, because I dont feel like I have one now.

 

... Great Attitude man .. Keep it up..

[JS17]

why do you think she's afraid to tell you? she's afraid you'll beat the s*** out of her or even worse. i don't blame her for not telling you.

[clandestinidad]

She's not telling you her reason b/c she didnt have one other than the fact that she was horny and wanted to sleep with the guy. And since she wanted to sleep with him, and DID, then it means that she doesnt love you in the way that someone should be loved

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

As InLimbo2 said, the action you took was totally inappropriate - even once.

 

 

There is nothing she can say, or nothing you will hear that will undo what's already been done. Why she did it should be a non-issue.

 

None of her reasons are going to be good enough for you to be able to fully trust her again, or to make your pain go away. You two were broken up, and that should be good enough reason no matter what she agreed to.

 

If she decides to get back together with you, and let's hope she does NOT, you will HAVE to trust her. Sure, she might cheat on you, but it won't be because you trusted her, it will be because she was horny and has no respect for the relationship as so many other posters pointed out.

[Opium]

You disgust me as a man! Oh wait you're not one, you're a coward who doesn't make mistakes and you're perfect.

 

I didn't want to read all the responses everyone said because I just can't believe you actually think your not crazy and your girl is a slut. YOu need help, no joke!!

 

Do you know the definition of a slut or a whore? First of all a slut is someone who sleeps with all your friends and has no remorse over it. A woman who brags about her affairs and will suck a guys dyck in front of a group of friends. A woman who will gang bang and screw multiple guys at once.

 

YOUR GIRL DID NONE OF THAT SO TO ME SHE IS NOT A SLUT!!!

 

A whore does the above but gets paid for it, in my eyes, wait that means she's a prostitute.!!

 

I would have filed a RO on your azz and would have probably done more than punch you in the face. I would have gotten a bat and beat the f*** out of you until I saw blood. Now that's hurting someone!!!

 

YOU LOVE THIS GIRL, sorry you're not in love your OBSESSED!!!

[aares]

Originally posted by Opium

You disgust me as a man! Oh wait you're not one, you're a coward who doesn't make mistakes and you're perfect.

 

Yep, I am a coward who beats women all of the time...I never beat men, beause I know they will kick my ass.

 

YOUR GIRL DID NONE OF THAT SO TO ME SHE IS NOT A SLUT!!!

 

Do you REALLY think I care about what she is in YOUR eyes? Thanks for your opinion though.

 

I would have filed a RO on your azz and would have probably done more than punch you in the face. I would have gotten a bat and beat the f*** out of you until I saw blood. Now that's hurting someone!!!

 

Hmmm...so I am the violent one, right? Because we all know that bat I used to beat her was bloody as hell...I should of just pushed her instead because pushing is much less damaging than a bat.

 

YOU LOVE THIS GIRL, sorry you're not in love your OBSESSED!!!

 

Um, no. I know what obsession is...she was obsessed with me when we were dating. Not that it matters, I can deal with obsessed women.

[jadedjessie]

Listen, aares, everyone here just wants to tell you that you're a sick twisted f*ck and that they hope you get the sh*t kicked out of you. You don't have to listen to this. Unkind words are never going to get through to you.

 

Stop looking for answers from this girl, and just accept that you two will never be together, and move on. Please. Don't call her, don't text her, don't even have friends give her messages from you. Cut off contact with her completely. All she is going to do is get you more and more angry and frustrated.

 

You need to stop thinking about her and start thinking about yourself. You need help. You do have a problem. There's no shame in that, though. I am very, very glad to hear that you called that number I gave you. Don't be afraid to call them back if they don't get ahold of you.

 

Forget about this girl, aares, and take care of yourself. Take up a new hobby along with whatever professional help you recieve. I think the hobby would give you something to take pride in, and help you feel good about yourself. Heck, even stop reading these messages if it'll help you to forget this girl.

 

The first step towards fixing a problem is admitting that you have a problem.

 

The best of luck to you, aares. May God bless and watch over you always.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by aares

Um, no. I know what obsession is...she was obsessed with me when we were dating. Not that it matters, I can deal with obsessed women.

 

So many people with the same opinion. Why do you so strenuously object? Why not pause for a moment and reflect?

 

We have all suffered hurts. It IS a bad idea to constantly give in to the urge to confront the person who hurts you. Sometimes it's better to sit back, stay calm, and approach the situation calmly and logically. You get your point across much more effectively that way.

 

A cautionary tale....this is obsession. Not love. You feel conflicted because your impulse to get back together with you ex is not based in the reality of your relationship, but on a fantasy of perfection that never existed between the two of you.

 

My exBF, who I talked about on here, is now serving a 5 year sentence in prison for what he did to me. According to the state attorney's office, regardless of our relationship, he had no right to attempt physical violence or...attempt to kill anyone, just because he was pissed off. So there's your answer. You would have been arrested and prosecuted in PA, or any other state, if your ex had called the police. Hell, I called the police on my ex. Up until he took the plea bargain, the state was asking for LIFE IN PRISON because he wrapped his hands around my best friend's neck and tried to strangle the life out of him in the "heat of anger".

 

Get help. Or you surely will be facing prison time, like my poor, lost, insane exBF. Let her go. Find your happiness. And for god's sake, learn that you should never, ever, ever lay your hands on another person in anger.

 

If you mean to hurt someone or kill them, at the very least, do it with a calm mind.

[aares]

Well, the guy from that number called me back...he is in Colorado, and I am from PA so he was wondering why I called so far away haha. Anyway, I told him a short version of what happened, not leaving any of the main details out. He told me that both she and I were in the wrong...she shouldnt have done what she did and I shouldnt have lashed out like I did. He also told me that everyone, if pushed hard enough, will lash out. I told him that I understand. He told me that I could have a problem, and it is possible that I could not have a problem. He said I am too far away (obviously) to make any conclusions, and he also stated that this being a one time thing, doesnt sound like a problem that needs treatment apart from what he deals with daily. He said again, that he doesnt want to let me go with thinking that I shouldnt "reach out for help", and that I could possibly have a problem that I should seek help in an area close to me. He gave me a number that I called that is real close to me.

 

I called that number, told the girl the story, and I now have an appointment with some guy on the 29th of August.

[amberlily]

Your EX was not in the wrong in the least. She was not your "girlfriend" at the time she slept with this other guy. Big hairy deal that you had this "agreement" that neither of you would sleep with anyone else. The only way any 2 people can make these kinds of agreements, or be obligated to keep them is if they are "IN A RELATIONSHIP." You 2 were not. You were broken up. She was free to do as she pleased, without any explanations to you. Do you feel you own her like she's your property or something?

 

You called her foul abusive names. You cursed her out. You pushed her several times. You grabbed her wrists. You chased her when she was running. You acted psychotically. It doesn't matter one bit that this was "the first time" you came unglued - it is still abuse. You, nor anyone, has the right to lay a hand on anyone - be it pushing, grabbing wrists, etc.

 

It doesn't matter one single but how "justified" you felt for doing this - it doesn't matter if she slept with an entire football team - you don't own her or have any right to verbally, mentally, emotionally or physically abuse her or anyone. She wasn't even your "girlfriend" at the time.

 

I hope for her sake that she changes her phone number and breaks off complete and total contact with you.

[Outcast]

It's good that you followed up on the calls. It will be interesting to hear what the person you will see on the 29th says. It's possible that you can turn your life around if you really want to.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by aares

I called that number, told the girl the story, and I now have an appointment with some guy on the 29th of August.

 

Of all the things ever said on LS..By anybody .. These words are by far the most responsible and mature thing anybody has ever said to help rectify a problem of anger and violence

 

I personaly am proud of you ..

 

If it comes out that it was a one time thing and you won't repeat the behavior or it comes out that you have an issue that can be dealt with.. Either way you have done the absolute proper and adult thing ..

 

Keep it up