Marriage in free fall (very long)

[Trail Blazer]

You know your situation better than I ever will. However, sometimes the perspective of an outsider can be helpful because the outsider is not emotionally invested. It appears that you are very happy with your girlfriend and I am pleased for you. Sometimes it doesn't take a long time to know if a relationship is perfect for us. I guess I'm just pragmatic and cautious when it comes to love.

 

I am extremely happy with my girlfriend. I am extremely happy with life, actually.

 

It was a nice little ego boost joining dating sites and connecting with a lot of good-looking women. I've never considered myself as an unattractive guy, but I've been a bit down over the last few years and hadn't taken care of myself. From not exercising to eating takeout a lot, I have since done a complete turnaround from the time that I've separated. From cutting down on fats and sugar in my diet, to joining up with a great local gym, I've dropped 25lbs in 3 months. From 205lbs at 5'10" tall to 180lbs, I feel fantastic!

 

I'd like to think that throughout everything over the last 13 years, I haven't lost my sense of self or my courage to back myself and my gut instincts. It felt sometimes like my ex gaslighted, and it was hard when I felt like I was being blamed for everything that went wrong in our marriage. I've since done my own thing, backed myself without worrying about what anyone else thinks, and life has just been great since then.

 

Unlike my ex, who suffered from what I believe to be intellectual arrogance, my girlfriend is on the same academic level as I am. She's a very practical, sensible person, studying an associates degree online, working part time from home as a stay at home mom, but most importantly she thinks I am a smart, hard working guy and has respect for what I do and how I go about life. I had lost the respect from my ex years ago, as I believe I didn't reach her lofty standards. That's no way to live, feeling like your life partner has no respect for you.

 

My girlfriend wants more kids. I told her in the very beginning that I am unsure whether I want more. From a financial perspective I don't think it's wise as I want to buy my own place and not rent any longer than I have to. She had an awful pregnancy to an abusive partner and felt cheated by the experience. All her exes have been *******s to varying degrees, now that she's met me she said it's something she really hopes can happen one day.

 

She did say if I don't want kids it would not be a deal breaker, but it would take her some time to get her head around. She said she would not leave her "potential soulmate" for the sake of finding someone less suitable who wants kids. I don't know if she would have resentment in years to come if we don't have kids because I've ruled out us having one together on the basis of financial reasons. We have 3 between us now and we'd need a much bigger house if we eventually move in together, had a baby and had my kids stay over for a bit.

 

So, other than that, which is not what I'd call a problem as we've very maturely discussed this, everything is great. She is an excellent mom and is so keen to meet my kids when the time is right, I know she will make an excellent stepmom and, if we did have another baby, a fantastic mother to my child. She's so gorgeous, having a baby with her is tempting as I do love kids and I can't help but feel that yes, superficially, I would love to mix genes with this woman and have a beautiful child. But I'm more sensible than to choose on that basis alone.

[BettyDraper]

I am extremely happy with my girlfriend. I am extremely happy with life, actually.

 

It was a nice little ego boost joining dating sites and connecting with a lot of good-looking women. I've never considered myself as an unattractive guy, but I've been a bit down over the last few years and hadn't taken care of myself. From not exercising to eating takeout a lot, I have since done a complete turnaround from the time that I've separated. From cutting down on fats and sugar in my diet, to joining up with a great local gym, I've dropped 25lbs in 3 months. From 205lbs at 5'10" tall to 180lbs, I feel fantastic!

 

I'd like to think that throughout everything over the last 13 years, I haven't lost my sense of self or my courage to back myself and my gut instincts. It felt sometimes like my ex gaslighted, and it was hard when I felt like I was being blamed for everything that went wrong in our marriage. I've since done my own thing, backed myself without worrying about what anyone else thinks, and life has just been great since then.

 

Unlike my ex, who suffered from what I believe to be intellectual arrogance, my girlfriend is on the same academic level as I am. She's a very practical, sensible person, studying an associates degree online, working part time from home as a stay at home mom, but most importantly she thinks I am a smart, hard working guy and has respect for what I do and how I go about life. I had lost the respect from my ex years ago, as I believe I didn't reach her lofty standards. That's no way to live, feeling like your life partner has no respect for you.

 

My girlfriend wants more kids. I told her in the very beginning that I am unsure whether I want more. From a financial perspective I don't think it's wise as I want to buy my own place and not rent any longer than I have to. She had an awful pregnancy to an abusive partner and felt cheated by the experience. All her exes have been *******s to varying degrees, now that she's met me she said it's something she really hopes can happen one day.

 

She did say if I don't want kids it would not be a deal breaker, but it would take her some time to get her head around. She said she would not leave her "potential soulmate" for the sake of finding someone less suitable who wants kids. I don't know if she would have resentment in years to come if we don't have kids because I've ruled out us having one together on the basis of financial reasons. We have 3 between us now and we'd need a much bigger house if we eventually move in together, had a baby and had my kids stay over for a bit.

 

So, other than that, which is not what I'd call a problem as we've very maturely discussed this, everything is great. She is an excellent mom and is so keen to meet my kids when the time is right, I know she will make an excellent stepmom and, if we did have another baby, a fantastic mother to my child. She's so gorgeous, having a baby with her is tempting as I do love kids and I can't help but feel that yes, superficially, I would love to mix genes with this woman and have a beautiful child. But I'm more sensible than to choose on that basis alone.

 

After everything that you have been through, you deserve the ego boost from going on dating sites. Losing weight is also great for self esteem. Congrats on the weight loss!

 

I believe that men need respect and appreciation above all. A man will feel less masculine if his partner is constantly complaining and putting him down. Your ex was not appreciative and her condescension ultimately contributed to the demise of your marriage. It's wonderful that your girlfriend admires your gifts.

 

You're absolutely right that your girlfriend could end up resenting you in the if you do not want a child with her. However, I also believe that it is far too soon to discuss such matters. Try to enjoy the relationship for what it is just now and pace yourself.

[Trail Blazer]

After everything that you have been through, you deserve the ego boost from going on dating sites. Losing weight is also great for self esteem. Congrats on the weight loss!

 

I believe that men need respect and appreciation above all. A man will feel less masculine if his partner is constantly complaining and putting him down. Your ex was not appreciative and her condescension ultimately contributed to the demise of your marriage. It's wonderful that your girlfriend admires your gifts.

 

You're absolutely right that your girlfriend could end up resenting you in the if you do not want a child with her. However, I also believe that it is far too soon to discuss such matters. Try to enjoy the relationship for what it is just now and pace yourself.

 

Thanks. The ego boost was nice, but dating apps like Tinder still felt a bit shallow. And besides, from my experience, it's one thing to 'match' on Tinder, it's another thing to have meaningful conversations. Sometimes I think the girls have too many options, so it can be hard for us guys to break through that. However, the biggest ego boost of all was landing a girl who I find extremely attractive. I showed her pics to a couple of buddies and they said I've done really well. Not that I needed their validation, but anyhoo...

 

You know, I never felt less masculine inside, because I refused to get bogged down in a situation where I felt I could get sucked in and start feeling negative. But I always knew in the back of my mind that I couldn't fix her perception of me, so it was more about sticking my head in the sand for the sake of self-preservation. I couldn't hide from the fact that I couldn't fix what was ultimately a marriage killer, but I could shut it out and focus on any positives in my life, like my kids.

 

On my girlfriend's dating profile she had listed she wanted more kids. I had said and I still am in the frame of mind that I am unsure. My head says no, mainly because of the financial aspect, but my heart says yes if it's with the right girl. We have only briefly discussed this topic, and it was early days. It came up once more recently, which is when she said about not choosing someone who is a definite yes over her potential soulmate who may not agree to it.

 

I guess for my girlfriend, she will be 33 in a couple of months. Her biological clock keeps ticking. She's now committed to me fully which is very nice as I have done the same. But now she's locked herself in, I am probably her last real shot at having a kid, so I guess she's entitled to bring it up early and let it be known how she feels about it. I'd rather know now and be on the same page so we don't have issues like this cropping up down the track. I know she would LOVE to have a kid with me, when the time is right. She knows she needs to be with a decent guy, so all there is left is for me to agree.

 

I do have other things to worry about first. Like getting my divorce through.

[BluesPower]

Thanks. The ego boost was nice, but dating apps like Tinder still felt a bit shallow.

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Her biological clock keeps ticking. She's now committed to me fully which is very nice as I have done the same. But now she's locked herself in, I am probably her last real shot at having a kid, so I guess she's entitled to bring it up early and let it be known how she feels about it. I'd rather know now and be on the same page so we don't have issues like this cropping up down the track. I know she would LOVE to have a kid with me, when the time is right. She knows she needs to be with a decent guy, so all there is left is for me to agree.

 

I do have other things to worry about first. Like getting my divorce through.

 

 

It is actually more than OK for her to tell you this. Now, since she has been honest and open with you, you get to make a decision for you.

 

 

And in the long run, it is so much better that way...

[BettyDraper]

Thanks. The ego boost was nice, but dating apps like Tinder still felt a bit shallow. And besides, from my experience, it's one thing to 'match' on Tinder, it's another thing to have meaningful conversations. Sometimes I think the girls have too many options, so it can be hard for us guys to break through that. However, the biggest ego boost of all was landing a girl who I find extremely attractive. I showed her pics to a couple of buddies and they said I've done really well. Not that I needed their validation, but anyhoo...

 

You know, I never felt less masculine inside, because I refused to get bogged down in a situation where I felt I could get sucked in and start feeling negative. But I always knew in the back of my mind that I couldn't fix her perception of me, so it was more about sticking my head in the sand for the sake of self-preservation. I couldn't hide from the fact that I couldn't fix what was ultimately a marriage killer, but I could shut it out and focus on any positives in my life, like my kids.

 

On my girlfriend's dating profile she had listed she wanted more kids. I had said and I still am in the frame of mind that I am unsure. My head says no, mainly because of the financial aspect, but my heart says yes if it's with the right girl. We have only briefly discussed this topic, and it was early days. It came up once more recently, which is when she said about not choosing someone who is a definite yes over her potential soulmate who may not agree to it.

 

I guess for my girlfriend, she will be 33 in a couple of months. Her biological clock keeps ticking. She's now committed to me fully which is very nice as I have done the same. But now she's locked herself in, I am probably her last real shot at having a kid, so I guess she's entitled to bring it up early and let it be known how she feels about it. I'd rather know now and be on the same page so we don't have issues like this cropping up down the track. I know she would LOVE to have a kid with me, when the time is right. She knows she needs to be with a decent guy, so all there is left is for me to agree.

 

I do have other things to worry about first. Like getting my divorce through.

 

Dating while separated comes with the complication of divorce proceedings. This is one reason why people are advised to wait before dating again.

 

At this point, it sounds like you're not on the same page about having another child. While it makes sense to consider finances when thinking of parenthood, the drive to reproduce is not based on practical considerations. I completely understand why you are hesitant to have another child, especially since you and your girlfriend already have three between you. She says that she wouldn't resent you if you didn't have a child with her in the future....but that's not a guarantee.

 

I guess it would be helpful to decide if you want another child and then tell your girlfriend. That way, you won't be wasting each other's time. I feel that important issues should be agreed upon before introducing partners to family members but that's just me. YMMV

[Trail Blazer]

It is actually more than OK for her to tell you this. Now, since she has been honest and open with you, you get to make a decision for you.

 

 

And in the long run, it is so much better that way...

 

Ars you implying that my decision will make or break the relationship? If not then I'm not sure I understand your point.

[BluesPower]

Ars you implying that my decision will make or break the relationship? If not then I'm not sure I understand your point.

 

It is pretty simple.

 

If her clock is ticking, and you know you don't want kids, the honorable thing to do would be to break up with her so she can find someone to have children with.

 

Along the same lines, I she wants kids and she knows you don't, then she could break up with you and find someone.

 

And for both of you, every year after 30 raises the possibility of birth defects or problems with the pregnancy.

 

From my stand point, I think it is great that she was honest with you about wanting children, I lets you know where she stands, and you both can make an informed decision...

[Trail Blazer]

It is pretty simple.

 

If her clock is ticking, and you know you don't want kids, the honorable thing to do would be to break up with her so she can find someone to have children with.

 

Along the same lines, I she wants kids and she knows you don't, then she could break up with you and find someone.

 

And for both of you, every year after 30 raises the possibility of birth defects or problems with the pregnancy.

 

From my stand point, I think it is great that she was honest with you about wanting children, I lets you know where she stands, and you both can make an informed decision...

 

Yeah OK. But it's not that black and white. I have concerns about having another kid from a financial perspective only. I would gladly have another kid with the right girl under the right circumstances.

 

My girlfriend has seemingly had bad choices in men. The guys she's been with previously range from self-centered douchebags to narcissistic abusers, with the father of her child being violent.

 

She's told me that it would be a deal breaker if she didn't have any kids, but she's got one kid, so any more would be a bonus. She said that our relationship feels different to all her others and she's never felt so "beautiful, safe and understood" before. She said she would not throw everything away and lose her potential soulmate (yes her words) and potentially never find someone decent again and still not have a kid.

 

Before we met her last relationship was 18 months prior. She said she pretty much gave up finding anyone and was starting to accept that it would just be her and her son. Since I've been on the scene and her son has taken to me in a big way, she's assured me her priorities lie with her son and that is having a decent guy around, not to be a new daddy, but one who can at least be a good role model.

 

My girlfriend has been a stepmom before, twice. That's a role she welcomes when she meets my 2 kids and believes will enrich both her and her son's life. I know she will be a an excellent stepmom.

 

My only concern is will there be resentment in the future? She wants to experience being a mom again, except with someone who will actually support her and want the baby as much as her, instead of an abusive nutjob. It almost feels like I've made a rod for my own back as now she's met a guy she knows is gentle and caring it's stirred up those maternal desires again.

[Trail Blazer]

Dating while separated comes with the complication of divorce proceedings. This is one reason why people are advised to wait before dating again.

 

At this point, it sounds like you're not on the same page about having another child. While it makes sense to consider finances when thinking of parenthood, the drive to reproduce is not based on practical considerations. I completely understand why you are hesitant to have another child, especially since you and your girlfriend already have three between you. She says that she wouldn't resent you if you didn't have a child with her in the future....but that's not a guarantee.

 

I guess it would be helpful to decide if you want another child and then tell your girlfriend. That way, you won't be wasting each other's time. I feel that important issues should be agreed upon before introducing partners to family members but that's just me. YMMV

 

I think I've mostly answered this with my reply to bluespower.

 

I think if I came out and said no to kids full stop, she would not leave. She told me very early on that she had pretty much accepted she'd be alone as a single mom with no more kids anyway, so finding a decent guy with 2 kids of his own is a bonus anyway. So if just not having another baby was all she had to accept then shes still well ahead of where she thought before I came on the scene, according to her.

 

I guess I'm just not sure if that line of thinking would remain. I do not want resentment creeping in over time. As lovely as this girl is and as quiet and easy going as she is I guess if she starts feeling resentful she will have a hard time turning it off.

 

Unfortunately I am only a middle income earner, don't come from a rich family and neither does she so I have no one to bail me out if things go wrong. That's the reality for many people and as the man who's choosing to be with a single mom who's job prospects dived after she had her son (it's a long story in itself) the buck stops with me and I have an obligation to do the sensible thing by all parties - her, her son and my own kids.

 

I guess I'm a little bit each way. If I can get some more money coming in, somehow, I'd commit tomorrow to having another child when the time is right in our relationship. Right now, I don't know if the sums would add up to anything more than all 4 kids living a basic existence. I do happen to want to provide more than a basic existence for me kids, so that weighs heavily into any decison I make.

[BluesPower]

Yeah OK. But it's not that black and white. I have concerns about having another kid from a financial perspective only. I would gladly have another kid with the right girl under the right circumstances.

 

My girlfriend has seemingly had bad choices in men. The guys she's been with previously range from self-centered douchebags to narcissistic abusers, with the father of her child being violent.

 

She's told me that it would be a deal breaker if she didn't have any kids, but she's got one kid, so any more would be a bonus. She said that our relationship feels different to all her others and she's never felt so "beautiful, safe and understood" before. She said she would not throw everything away and lose her potential soulmate (yes her words) and potentially never find someone decent again and still not have a kid.

 

Before we met her last relationship was 18 months prior. She said she pretty much gave up finding anyone and was starting to accept that it would just be her and her son. Since I've been on the scene and her son has taken to me in a big way, she's assured me her priorities lie with her son and that is having a decent guy around, not to be a new daddy, but one who can at least be a good role model.

 

My girlfriend has been a stepmom before, twice. That's a role she welcomes when she meets my 2 kids and believes will enrich both her and her son's life. I know she will be a an excellent stepmom.

 

My only concern is will there be resentment in the future? She wants to experience being a mom again, except with someone who will actually support her and want the baby as much as her, instead of an abusive nutjob. It almost feels like I've made a rod for my own back as now she's met a guy she knows is gentle and caring it's stirred up those maternal desires again.

 

OK, i get all of that... and the only thing I will say past what you said, is just be sure.

 

Take your time, and make sure that neither you are her are letting your previous baggage into your current relationship.

 

Now with my GF, I am really the first guy that is not a nut that she has ever been with. So for her it took a second for her to understand what a healthy relationship actually was. And there are a few things that we have had to work through, but not that much.

 

So carry on, and remember this when\if you are ever ready, you never can afford another child, it just works out...

[Trail Blazer]

OK, i get all of that... and the only thing I will say past what you said, is just be sure.

 

Take your time, and make sure that neither you are her are letting your previous baggage into your current relationship.

 

Now with my GF, I am really the first guy that is not a nut that she has ever been with. So for her it took a second for her to understand what a healthy relationship actually was. And there are a few things that we have had to work through, but not that much.

 

So carry on, and remember this when\if you are ever ready, you never can afford another child, it just works out...

 

Thanks man. Both of us are patient people. We both think we're on a good thing, yet both of us know we have different things going on in our lives and it will take time for our individual circumstances to blend together into a cohesive unit.

 

For what my girlfriend has been through, she seems remarkably grounded in terms of knowing what she wants from a normal, functional relationship as well as being able to give back in a way which shows she knows how to love.

 

She very much subscribes to the love language theory and thinks that our love language is very compatible. Not that I've made it a habit to talk about my ex, but my girlfriend thinks that mine and my ex's love languages were very different, so neither of us could see what the other one brought to the relationship.

 

I think in every aspect we are more suited. Age, sexual chemistry, life goals and even stuff like undertaking household chores. My girlfriend is just laid back while.my ex would run the house like it were boot camp! We can take our time, laugh at each other's silly mistakes and just enjoy each other's company while not taking life too seriously.

 

To me, this is the epitome of a healthy relationship. I do hope it continues as I really, REALLY like this girl a lot. I mean, if I could have written a list of things I wanted in my future partner, she would have materialized. She's everything I ever wanted and even more things which I never even knew I wanted until I met her.

 

How long have you been with your partner for?

[BettyDraper]

Thanks man. Both of us are patient people. We both think we're on a good thing, yet both of us know we have different things going on in our lives and it will take time for our individual circumstances to blend together into a cohesive unit.

 

For what my girlfriend has been through, she seems remarkably grounded in terms of knowing what she wants from a normal, functional relationship as well as being able to give back in a way which shows she knows how to love.

 

She very much subscribes to the love language theory and thinks that our love language is very compatible. Not that I've made it a habit to talk about my ex, but my girlfriend thinks that mine and my ex's love languages were very different, so neither of us could see what the other one brought to the relationship.

 

I think in every aspect we are more suited. Age, sexual chemistry, life goals and even stuff like undertaking household chores. My girlfriend is just laid back while.my ex would run the house like it were boot camp! We can take our time, laugh at each other's silly mistakes and just enjoy each other's company while not taking life too seriously.

 

To me, this is the epitome of a healthy relationship. I do hope it continues as I really, REALLY like this girl a lot. I mean, if I could have written a list of things I wanted in my future partner, she would have materialized. She's everything I ever wanted and even more things which I never even knew I wanted until I met her.

 

How long have you been with your partner for?

 

Has your girlfriend ever addressed her issues in therapy? She is not to blame for the abuse she has suffered but there is something self destructive about someone who keeps choosing narcissists or abusers. I say this as someone who did the same thing until I worked out all of my emotional challenges. I hope that you understand that I am not judging your girlfriend. We all have baggage.

 

Love languages are very important. Your girlfriend is absolutely right that couples need to learn to speak the same love languages or else there will be problems.

 

I hope your relationship continues to go well too. Both of you deserve to find true love and the first few months of a relationship are often very exhilarating. You must be on cloud nine.

[Trail Blazer]

Has your girlfriend ever addressed her issues in therapy? She is not to blame for the abuse she has suffered but there is something self destructive about someone who keeps choosing narcissists or abusers. I say this as someone who did the same thing until I worked out all of my emotional challenges. I hope that you understand that I am not judging your girlfriend. We all have baggage.

 

Love languages are very important. Your girlfriend is absolutely right that couples need to learn to speak the same love languages or else there will be problems.

 

I hope your relationship continues to go well too. Both of you deserve to find true love and the first few months of a relationship are often very exhilarating. You must be on cloud nine.

 

She hasn't told me whether she has had therapy before, but I don't think so. She has told me a bit about her upbringing and she thinks her dad is to blame. According to her he is a very controlling and domineering person. He is a bit of a bully by the sounds of it and her mother has always just known her place and done what she was told.

 

She grew up in a rural community and her dad was very strict and ultra conservative. He never effectively communicated with his family. He just yells and screams until the other person submits. She said this sort of behavior was normalized to her and she was used to guys being a-holes and treating her in a similar manner to what she saw her mom get treated.

 

My girlfriend has said she's since come to realize that it's not normal or acceptable (whether through the help of therapy I am unsure but doubt it) for men to behave that way and now she's the opposite and struggles to deal with outward displays of anger and rage. She now really gets phobic about her 5 year old boy having tantrums as she thinks it's a sign he will be like her dad. I think she knows logically that kids have tantrums, but she struggles to deal with it still.

 

My girlfriend's second last partner was the father of her child. He was a psychopath with zero empathy. He was completely manipulative and sucked her in. In the beginning he was so sweet and kept talking about the future and convinced her to have a child with him 18 months later. Once she was pregnant he turned and kept saying stuff like "I will always be in your life, your own flesh and blood is my flesh and blood. Look into his eyes and you'll see me looking back." He emotionally abused her, threatened her, threatened to kill himself if she left him and said she would be the reason their son doesn't have a dad.

 

This guy never actually hit her, despite the threats. He did worse though, like smash glass in the bathroom when she was 8 months pregnant and watched her walk in bare feet over the glass and laugh uncontrollably and continually say stuff like "this is nothing compared to what I could really dish out to you if you cause trouble." But the worst he did was a week after she gave birth, she got an infection from her c section and was in agony, he mentally abused her to the point she had a panic attack and the pain was excruciating. She said it was his way of stabbing her without laying a finger on her.

 

When she kicked him out after she had called her parents who drove 2 hours to Portland from the country and took her to hispital because she was writhing in pain, he made the most vile comments to her. He called her names like a "disgusting fat pig" and "no guy would want to touch you now' stuff like that. She got a bit of a stretched tummy as her son was big he said stuff like "I planted a seed in you that ****ed you up from the inside" and horrible names and the like. He's a lowlife scum.

 

My girlfriend is the sweetest, kindest person. I absolutely adore her. She has told me she needs time to fully embrace all of my compliments and how I treat her. She said sometimes she's waiting for a catch like there was with the other guys. She even asked me to "please let me down gently if you ever want to leave. Please just be honest with me and don't sabotage the relationship by cheating on me. I would be crushed if I had that happen to me again."

 

Maybe all of these things means she has issues and she's supressing them well. She is a happy and laid back girl who enjoys the simple things in life. She said she is tired of dysfunctional relationships and knows she's taken a huge punt on a guy 2 months (at the time we met) separated, but that there is something about me that feels different.

 

Her son also told me last night that he loves me, which was a little overwhelming because I know my girlfriend is still adjusting to our relationship and she doesn't know that I'm not going to flip and be a pyscho. I just wish she could know 100% that I am not playing games, there is no catch and I am genuine to the core and could see myself loving her and cherishing her as my soulmate. She really is special to me and I hope that at some point in the future can fully embrace the love I am prepared to give her and her son.

Edited May 29, 2018 by Trail Blazer

[BettyDraper]

Wow! I feel sad for your girlfriend. Such traumatic experiences are another reason why therapy would be very helpful. I'm wondering if your girlfriend looks for romantic relationships as a way to heal her pain.

 

I would think that after her ordeal with her ex, she would be far more cautious about whom she lets into her life and around her son. That isn't a statement about your character since you come across as a wonderful man. What I mean is that your girlfriend's past experiences are incongruent with how quickly she has introduced her to her son and made herself emotionally vulnerable.

 

You might be feeling overwhelmed because the relationship is going at breakneck speed. I hope that your relationship becomes permanent because it will crush her son to lose you.

[BluesPower]

Her son also told me last night that he loves me, which was a little overwhelming because I know my girlfriend is still adjusting to our relationship and she doesn't know that I'm not going to flip and be a pyscho. I just wish she could know 100% that I am not playing games, there is no catch and I am genuine to the core and could see myself loving her and cherishing her as my soulmate. She really is special to me and I hope that at some point in the future can fully embrace the love I am prepared to give her and her son.

 

I can tell you that this just takes time.

 

My GF was with some really messed up people. And she was a totally rational person, educated. She just choose poorly.

 

Even now, when I do, the simplest, things for her she just is taken aback.

 

I mean just making breakfast or bringing her coffee.

 

Some of it I really don't understand, I though everyone did those things for the one that they love, evidently not.

[Trail Blazer]

Wow! I feel sad for your girlfriend. Such traumatic experiences are another reason why therapy would be very helpful. I'm wondering if your girlfriend looks for romantic relationships as a way to heal her pain.

 

I would think that after her ordeal with her ex, she would be far more cautious about whom she lets into her life and around her son. That isn't a statement about your character since you come across as a wonderful man. What I mean is that your girlfriend's past experiences are incongruent with how quickly she has introduced her to her son and made herself emotionally vulnerable.

 

You might be feeling overwhelmed because the relationship is going at breakneck speed. I hope that your relationship becomes permanent because it will crush her son to lose you.

 

Her first boyfriend was 19 when she met him. She was 16. He was a local kid she befriended and he took advantage of her. She rebelled against her controlling dad and was living with this guy more than at home. Her boyfriend used to beat her, but he would never hit her in the head - only in areas of her body she could conceal. He threatened her that it would be much worse if she said anything.

 

My girlfriend's mom knew she wasn't in a good place, but she herself couldn't stand up and do anything so she would just go along with dad. Her parents knew this boyfriend was trouble but when things came to a head, i.e when the boyfriend started using meth her parents alienated her.

 

The boyfriend used to come into the bedroom while she was sleeping and flip the mattress over while she was sleeping and yell curse words and vile insults. She finally left him after a particularly bad night where he beat her badly, kicking her after he tossed her off the bed. Her dad said "you run off with a ****ing idiot and then think this is a safehouse you can walk back in at any time? Not on my watch. Smarten up girl!"

 

She stayed until she finished school and worked in the family business but had another falling out with her dad so she left for the big smoke at age 19. She got herself a beautiful labrador and didn't get with another guy for a bit. After a few failed relationships I guess that's when I came on the scene. Her last boyfriend she had split up with 18 months prior to me, and she waited 2 full years to get with him after leaving the father of her boy.

 

I have thanked her for trusting me after what she's been through. She said the last 6 months before I came on the scene she'd been on match snd was being vey careful about the guys she spoke with. She's a gorgeous girl so she'd have no problems attracting guys and only put up the most plain images, headshots, not make up in an attempt to minimize attracting the wrong guys.

 

When I was on there I'd already grown tired of Tinder and Bumble after a brief bit of fun sifting through the stack of cards and experiencing the weird and wonderful world of online dating for the first time. So I went over to the more traditional method and looked through girls in my area. I too were intending to be fussy and I wasn't going to pay for a dating service unless the girls ticked all the boxes.

 

When I sent her a request or whatever it's called she had not been on for 5 weeks. I never thought she would respond but she did in about 2 minutes. She got an email notification and accepted. She told me that unlike any guy on there she just had some intuition that I was good. She told me all the complimentary stuff about my looks and I guess we hit it off from there. She said that I'll have to meet her son if we want to spend time together as she is the sole parent and has no babysitters.

 

I guess I do wonder a bit and I'm scared for her a bit because I could be a monster playing a game. I spoke to her of how trusting she's been and she said that she knows if she has any hope of raising her son in a normal family environment then she has to open herself up to finding someone and back herself to eventually get it right. While it's early days she says she's excited about the possibilities of a future together and says "on paper you're the perfect guy but it will just take time to know for sure."

[Trail Blazer]

I can tell you that this just takes time.

 

My GF was with some really messed up people. And she was a totally rational person, educated. She just choose poorly.

 

Even now, when I do, the simplest, things for her she just is taken aback.

 

I mean just making breakfast or bringing her coffee.

 

Some of it I really don't understand, I though everyone did those things for the one that they love, evidently not.

I am in the exact same boat. I brought ingredients over to her house to cook a meal and prepared it for her. I love cooking and fancy myself as a reasonable home chef, so I've done that a few times now. She's said nobody has ever done anything like that before.

 

Time is something that we have a lot of. Removing babies from the equation, neither of us are in a rush for anything. I've got baggage including a divorce to finalize. She's just got permanent emotional baggage, thankfully it hasn't consumed her life though. She seems like a perfectly normal and functional person.

[BettyDraper]

Her first boyfriend was 19 when she met him. She was 16. He was a local kid she befriended and he took advantage of her. She rebelled against her controlling dad and was living with this guy more than at home. Her boyfriend used to beat her, but he would never hit her in the head - only in areas of her body she could conceal. He threatened her that it would be much worse if she said anything.

 

My girlfriend's mom knew she wasn't in a good place, but she herself couldn't stand up and do anything so she would just go along with dad. Her parents knew this boyfriend was trouble but when things came to a head, i.e when the boyfriend started using meth her parents alienated her.

 

The boyfriend used to come into the bedroom while she was sleeping and flip the mattress over while she was sleeping and yell curse words and vile insults. She finally left him after a particularly bad night where he beat her badly, kicking her after he tossed her off the bed. Her dad said "you run off with a ****ing idiot and then think this is a safehouse you can walk back in at any time? Not on my watch. Smarten up girl!"

 

She stayed until she finished school and worked in the family business but had another falling out with her dad so she left for the big smoke at age 19. She got herself a beautiful labrador and didn't get with another guy for a bit. After a few failed relationships I guess that's when I came on the scene. Her last boyfriend she had split up with 18 months prior to me, and she waited 2 full years to get with him after leaving the father of her boy.

 

I have thanked her for trusting me after what she's been through. She said the last 6 months before I came on the scene she'd been on match snd was being vey careful about the guys she spoke with. She's a gorgeous girl so she'd have no problems attracting guys and only put up the most plain images, headshots, not make up in an attempt to minimize attracting the wrong guys.

 

When I was on there I'd already grown tired of Tinder and Bumble after a brief bit of fun sifting through the stack of cards and experiencing the weird and wonderful world of online dating for the first time. So I went over to the more traditional method and looked through girls in my area. I too were intending to be fussy and I wasn't going to pay for a dating service unless the girls ticked all the boxes.

 

When I sent her a request or whatever it's called she had not been on for 5 weeks. I never thought she would respond but she did in about 2 minutes. She got an email notification and accepted. She told me that unlike any guy on there she just had some intuition that I was good. She told me all the complimentary stuff about my looks and I guess we hit it off from there. She said that I'll have to meet her son if we want to spend time together as she is the sole parent and has no babysitters.

 

I guess I do wonder a bit and I'm scared for her a bit because I could be a monster playing a game. I spoke to her of how trusting she's been and she said that she knows if she has any hope of raising her son in a normal family environment then she has to open herself up to finding someone and back herself to eventually get it right. While it's early days she says she's excited about the possibilities of a future together and says "on paper you're the perfect guy but it will just take time to know for sure."

 

When you say that you "could be a monster playing a game", do you mean that you find your girlfriend's overly trusting nature to be worrisome?

 

Why did her other relationships fail? It's prudent to consider a potential partner's history.

 

Based on the beginning of your relationship with your STBXW and your new romance, I'm getting the impression that you have difficulty being alone and you tend to jump from one relationship to another. You also have a pattern of moving very fast when you met a new woman. I realize that my impression could be wrong.

[Trail Blazer]

When you say that you "could be a monster playing a game", do you mean that you find your girlfriend's overly trusting nature to be worrisome?

 

Why did her other relationships fail? It's prudent to consider a potential partner's history.

 

Based on the beginning of your relationship with your STBXW and your new romance, I'm getting the impression that you have difficulty being alone and you tend to jump from one relationship to another. You also have a pattern of moving very fast when you met a new woman. I realize that my impression could be wrong.

I guess in the very beginning when my girlfriend told me about her past, I did think that she seemed to trust me easily. I later realized that she's a smart girl who I should probably give more credit to for learning and growing as a person. At least I know she has chosen someone who will treat her right.

 

I've only had 3 partners in my time including my current girlfriend. I had 1 girlfriend in Idaho who I first met at 16 and we were on again off again until i finally cut her loose just before my 19th birthday. I met my ex when I was 19, almost 20. I have listed in detail how that eventuated.

 

I am not sure the sample size is big enough to say that I jump from relationship to relationship. I didn't really intend for this to happen. I guess it was a possibility given I put myself out there, but I never thought I'd find someone like her. I thought it would take a long time as I had no intention of settling unless I found someone pretty special. I have and she is into me as much as I am i to her.

 

Why did her other relationships fail? 2 of her 5 were domestic violence, 1 was due to a motorbike accident which meant he couldn't work for a long period of time, he prolonged going back to work while she slaved away paying the mortgage. The kicker was she found out he'd been seeing someone behind her back, who had been going over to the house she was paying for to sleep with her fiancee in the bed which she paid for.

 

The last ex she had was the best of a bad lot. He was selfish and very immature and was a compulsive liar. He lost his license for speeding and didn't tell her until the week before he was due to go to court. She ended up having to drive him to and from work every day for a year because at that point she had given up work because of health issues with her son, so he was providing at the time. They called it off as he just didn't like being nagged and she grew fed up with his multiple lies. He never hit or threatened her or verbally abused her, she just had trust issues which in the end made the relationship untenable.

Edited May 30, 2018 by Trail Blazer

[MidlifeMama]

I've followed your thread and first want to say how happy I am for you that things are looking so promising and wonderful!

 

You were in a difficult situation with the soon to be ex and you deserve to be with this great woman you have found!

 

Sounds like you guys are compatible and it looks like some much needed happiness on both sides is happening!!

 

Reading about how your new lady wants another child made me pause to express my opinion and it's really only my "opinion".

 

I too had some losers for exes with abuse, etc. I too had a son with one of them. When I met my husband, I wanted more children, and he wanted that also. I wanted to have children with someone who was kind and caring and responsible and present. I hadn't had that previously with my son's Dad, so naturally I wanted to experience that with my new husband.

 

We had 2 children together and I have experienced the family in a totally different and healthy way.

 

In your situation, I caution you. Here is why. You will probably be able to give your GF what she wants.. a child and raising it in a stable and loving environment, but you need to pause and think about something. Is it TRULY what YOU want? You may want to do it to make her happy but you've just started to experience life in a different way. The excitement of a new relationship. A new car you always wanted, working out, feeling healthy. Kids seem to be adjusting well.

 

I hate to be the martyr but think about this... #1, you feel worried you can't afford it. First of all, no one would have kids if they just didn't due to finances. You do work that out, but it can cause a financial strain. #2, Your kids may not be so thrilled to share you even further with a new baby. Yes, they may have initial excitement but there will and could be insecurity and jealousy, and could also be on her sons part as well. Think that through just a bit.

 

You're caught up in love. You want to make her happy and she feels such a connection to you that in her mind, a baby would complete this and make up for what she missed. Sounds like she would be o.k. not having another as you have said she had made up her mind to be alone before she found you, but it also feels like her clock is ticking and she feels the need to be pregnant again and experience a family how it should have been.

 

There are all kinds of families these days. You both bring children with you. Maybe take your time on this subject. Enjoy each other without the financial and emotional obligation of adding another child to raise. Focus on fun, each other's company without more responsibility. Be the family and parents to the children you both have already.

 

Make your kids and hers your family time. Focus on great sex and consider that may change if you bring a baby into the mix. Hormones, sleepless nights, you know those things can put a damper on the connection.

 

You're just now experiencing a new and different way to love and be loved. It is a wonderful thought to add to that but look at the total BIG picture. Your kids are growing up, there will be a day when you and your GF have even more time together. If you add a baby, it will change all of that. Yes, children can enrich your lives but you have both experienced and continue to experience children. I think it's o.k. to just enjoy one another and be happy with the family you have.

 

I guess I just feel like if you have a child right now, you'll be back in the boat you were previously in some ways..when your wife said she needed a new baby.

 

You are just starting to experience who you are and I think you need to really not lose that, even based on someone else's needs that you love.

 

I have a friend who is 50. He has 2 grown girls in college and a 10 year old. He started a new and exciting relationship and was eager to start this next chapter in his mid life. Granted he has a 10 year old he was still raising, but he was looking forward to traveling more and having time with his new GF. The GF, close to age 50 decided that she would stop taking birth control. She saw what a great Dad he was and though she had a daughter as well, she didn't have a great experience with her either with the ex. So, now they have a new baby. He is happy but had shared with me it was not hat he had expected at this point in his life. He has to start over and though he loves the GF, it did change things a bit between them. He wished they had waited or even decided not to add to the family dynamics.

 

You are still young, take your time. I would make sure your GF is very committed to no "accidents" and using birth control since she is very emotionally vested (sounds like) in perhaps having a baby.

 

Best of luck to you!

[Trail Blazer]

I've followed your thread and first want to say how happy I am for you that things are looking so promising and wonderful!

 

You were in a difficult situation with the soon to be ex and you deserve to be with this great woman you have found!

 

Sounds like you guys are compatible and it looks like some much needed happiness on both sides is happening!!

 

Reading about how your new lady wants another child made me pause to express my opinion and it's really only my "opinion".

 

I too had some losers for exes with abuse, etc. I too had a son with one of them. When I met my husband, I wanted more children, and he wanted that also. I wanted to have children with someone who was kind and caring and responsible and present. I hadn't had that previously with my son's Dad, so naturally I wanted to experience that with my new husband.

 

We had 2 children together and I have experienced the family in a totally different and healthy way.

 

In your situation, I caution you. Here is why. You will probably be able to give your GF what she wants.. a child and raising it in a stable and loving environment, but you need to pause and think about something. Is it TRULY what YOU want? You may want to do it to make her happy but you've just started to experience life in a different way. The excitement of a new relationship. A new car you always wanted, working out, feeling healthy. Kids seem to be adjusting well.

 

I hate to be the martyr but think about this... #1, you feel worried you can't afford it. First of all, no one would have kids if they just didn't due to finances. You do work that out, but it can cause a financial strain. #2, Your kids may not be so thrilled to share you even further with a new baby. Yes, they may have initial excitement but there will and could be insecurity and jealousy, and could also be on her sons part as well. Think that through just a bit.

 

You're caught up in love. You want to make her happy and she feels such a connection to you that in her mind, a baby would complete this and make up for what she missed. Sounds like she would be o.k. not having another as you have said she had made up her mind to be alone before she found you, but it also feels like her clock is ticking and she feels the need to be pregnant again and experience a family how it should have been.

 

There are all kinds of families these days. You both bring children with you. Maybe take your time on this subject. Enjoy each other without the financial and emotional obligation of adding another child to raise. Focus on fun, each other's company without more responsibility. Be the family and parents to the children you both have already.

 

Make your kids and hers your family time. Focus on great sex and consider that may change if you bring a baby into the mix. Hormones, sleepless nights, you know those things can put a damper on the connection.

 

You're just now experiencing a new and different way to love and be loved. It is a wonderful thought to add to that but look at the total BIG picture. Your kids are growing up, there will be a day when you and your GF have even more time together. If you add a baby, it will change all of that. Yes, children can enrich your lives but you have both experienced and continue to experience children. I think it's o.k. to just enjoy one another and be happy with the family you have.

 

I guess I just feel like if you have a child right now, you'll be back in the boat you were previously in some ways..when your wife said she needed a new baby.

 

You are just starting to experience who you are and I think you need to really not lose that, even based on someone else's needs that you love.

 

I have a friend who is 50. He has 2 grown girls in college and a 10 year old. He started a new and exciting relationship and was eager to start this next chapter in his mid life. Granted he has a 10 year old he was still raising, but he was looking forward to traveling more and having time with his new GF. The GF, close to age 50 decided that she would stop taking birth control. She saw what a great Dad he was and though she had a daughter as well, she didn't have a great experience with her either with the ex. So, now they have a new baby. He is happy but had shared with me it was not hat he had expected at this point in his life. He has to start over and though he loves the GF, it did change things a bit between them. He wished they had waited or even decided not to add to the family dynamics.

 

You are still young, take your time. I would make sure your GF is very committed to no "accidents" and using birth control since she is very emotionally vested (sounds like) in perhaps having a baby.

 

Best of luck to you!

 

Thank you MidlifeMama.

 

This was a very good post. Thanks for sharing your opinion and experiences.

 

Yes, currently I feel like I'm living the dream. The car I've always wanted, a gorgeous girl who I can't believe I am with because she's I think out of my league. I have financial independence (to some degree), life is looking fantastic.

 

I do have to consider where I want the baby, not just having one for her. I love kids and if I was in a stronget financial position, I definitely would want a baby with my girlfriend when the time is right. It really only is money that's the concern.

 

I am going to try and save by the end of this year. If my girlfriend and I are still together (I see no reason why we wouldn't be) then I think we will have to have some serious conversations about oir future and plan towards achieving our aligned goals in life.

 

I am definitely caught up in the whole new romance thing. I haven't felt like this about anyone before. I'm currently on vacation in California (organized before I even met my gf) and I met up with 2 old buddies I went to school with in Boise. Clubbing in LA was an experience that's for sure. But I could not stop thinking about my girlfriend. She told me to get off Messenger last night and gi have fun.

 

On my way, walking back to my apartment it dawned on me that perhaps she's wondering what I am really getting up to. Since she's been cheated on multiple times before, this is summer in SoCal... I thought maybe she might feel uneasy a little. Yeah I was pretty drunk, but I was bothered to the point I sent her a Snapchat video and did a walkaround entering the apartment and going into the lift, just to show her I was by myself.

 

When she got the video this morning she said it was a nice gesture and she thanked me for trying to reassure her. She told me it was unnecessary because she trusts me and always trusts in a new relationship until the trust is broken and that's when she says the trust is hard or impossible to get back. You know, it's nice that she trusts me 100 percent.

 

Anyway, thanks again and I will have some further thinking and reflecting to do. The rest of this year I've written off as just a 'relax and have fun' year, and if we're still going strong and decide we want to build a future together, we will start once my divorce is through and I will be a bit tighter with my money (we can eat in more etc).

[Trail Blazer]

For anyone who's interested, I'm picking up my mom from the airport this evening and tomorrow I will be going to lunch with my mom and girlfriend so they can meet for the first time.

[BettyDraper]

For anyone who's interested, I'm picking up my mom from the airport this evening and tomorrow I will be going to lunch with my mom and girlfriend so they can meet for the first time.

 

This sounds exciting! I hope everything goes well. Keep us posted.

[Trail Blazer]

This sounds exciting! I hope everything goes well. Keep us posted.

 

So we had lunch yesterday. It went really well. My girlfriend was a little nervous, but she didn't really show it. My mom went easy on her and seemed to enjoy herself. My mom said she really liked her and thought she was a good fit for me. Since my mom does not express herself emotionally all that well, given everything that's happened to me this year, she gave her the tick of approval in her own way. I couldn't really ask for more at this stage.

[BettyDraper]

So we had lunch yesterday. It went really well. My girlfriend was a little nervous, but she didn't really show it. My mom went easy on her and seemed to enjoy herself. My mom said she really liked her and thought she was a good fit for me. Since my mom does not express herself emotionally all that well, given everything that's happened to me this year, she gave her the tick of approval in her own way. I couldn't really ask for more at this stage.

 

This is wonderful news. I'm glad that your girlfriend hit it off with your mom.