Marriage in free fall (very long)

[Trail Blazer]

On the Saturday just gone my girlfriend met my daughter for the first time. It went really well. My son didn't come as there are a few issues I'm trying to work through with him. I did not tell the ex I was going to introduce them on that particular day. We met it a park, my girlfriend brought her dog. The dog was a hit! The 2 kids played together, and individually. We had lunch and McDonald's. Went to another playground. When we parted ways, my daughter gave my girlfriend a big hug.

 

I informed my ex that night via text what had occured. I was dropping my daughter back home that night anyway, but when I sent her the text I received a message back, demanding I bring our daughter back immediately. I called her and asked what the problem was, she said she wasn't informed about a meeting and that my conduct was highly inappropriate and that if I don't understand why then we have "bigger problems than first thought."

 

I reminded her that I had informed her almost a month ago that a), I was seeing somene new and b), it was my intention for both parties to be introduced. The ex just said she's not going to get into it now, doesn't want hysterics, but she will be getting back to me at a later stage about this. As of Tuesday night I haven't heard anything back from her... yet.

 

As far as I'm concerned I did nothing wrong. She is just angry because she's a control freak and wants to be across everything and expects everything to be run past her first. My daughter is my child also, and as I pointed out it has been almost 10 months since we separated, and I informed her and my kids a month ago out of courtesy that I'm seeing someone new. My daughter absolutely loved my girlfriend and she had an amazing time.

 

I look forward to introducing my son to her soon as well.

[standtall]

You owe your ex no explanation about anything you do during your parenting time. I'm puzzled at to why you would volunteer anything at all unless you like the drama you're unleashing.

[BettyDraper]

On the Saturday just gone my girlfriend met my daughter for the first time. It went really well. My son didn't come as there are a few issues I'm trying to work through with him. I did not tell the ex I was going to introduce them on that particular day. We met it a park, my girlfriend brought her dog. The dog was a hit! The 2 kids played together, and individually. We had lunch and McDonald's. Went to another playground. When we parted ways, my daughter gave my girlfriend a big hug.

 

I informed my ex that night via text what had occured. I was dropping my daughter back home that night anyway, but when I sent her the text I received a message back, demanding I bring our daughter back immediately. I called her and asked what the problem was, she said she wasn't informed about a meeting and that my conduct was highly inappropriate and that if I don't understand why then we have "bigger problems than first thought."

 

I reminded her that I had informed her almost a month ago that a), I was seeing somene new and b), it was my intention for both parties to be introduced. The ex just said she's not going to get into it now, doesn't want hysterics, but she will be getting back to me at a later stage about this. As of Tuesday night I haven't heard anything back from her... yet.

 

As far as I'm concerned I did nothing wrong. She is just angry because she's a control freak and wants to be across everything and expects everything to be run past her first. My daughter is my child also, and as I pointed out it has been almost 10 months since we separated, and I informed her and my kids a month ago out of courtesy that I'm seeing someone new. My daughter absolutely loved my girlfriend and she had an amazing time.

 

I look forward to introducing my son to her soon as well.

 

I believe that this is about your wife's jealousy.

She may be genuinely concerned about your daughter growing attached to your new girlfriend but that is a separate issue.

 

I hope your son is doing well and I'm glad that your girlfriend and your daughter got along.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Trail, I am really sorry to read your latest update. While I am very happy to know that your daughter gelled well with your GF and in fact, hugged her before you took leave of her, your stbx wife's reaction was a real dampner. I am losing a bit of the good opinion that I had about her. I had thought of her as a very mature and sensible person and certainly someone who was above pettiness and jealousy. As I said once before I think she is now having seller's remorse. As long as she was stringing you along while married and living with you she could freely call the shots. Now apparently she is losing her hold on you and does not like it one bit. You are right that she wants to control everything but sadly, she lost that opportunity when she set you free. You are no longer beholden to her for anything except the welfare and well being of your children. As a parent you are equally entitled to guide and shape how they develop into responsible human beings.

 

I think you are handling things very well and I do hope your ex comes to her senses and does not create any more drama in your life or that of your children. Warm wishes.

[Trail Blazer]

I believe that this is about your wife's jealousy.

She may be genuinely concerned about your daughter growing attached to your new girlfriend but that is a separate issue.

 

I hope your son is doing well and I'm glad that your girlfriend and your daughter got along.

Yes. She is jealous. I guess it doesn't feel good that I moved on so quickly, easily and to a high quality individual who displays no outwardly objectionable traits. My ex would be trying hard but unable to reconcile the desire to pick fault in my girlfriend with the reality that there aren't any she can superficially identify.

 

My son is now seeing a psychologist for suspected anxiety. My ex is being coy on the details which is leaving me a little in the dark. He hasn't wanted to stay with me the last few weekends. But that's a topic for another day and something I'm in the process of trying to resolve.

[Trail Blazer]

Hi Trail, I am really sorry to read your latest update. While I am very happy to know that your daughter gelled well with your GF and in fact, hugged her before you took leave of her, your stbx wife's reaction was a real dampner. I am losing a bit of the good opinion that I had about her. I had thought of her as a very mature and sensible person and certainly someone who was above pettiness and jealousy. As I said once before I think she is now having seller's remorse. As long as she was stringing you along while married and living with you she could freely call the shots. Now apparently she is losing her hold on you and does not like it one bit. You are right that she wants to control everything but sadly, she lost that opportunity when she set you free. You are no longer beholden to her for anything except the welfare and well being of your children. As a parent you are equally entitled to guide and shape how they develop into responsible human beings.

 

I think you are handling things very well and I do hope your ex comes to her senses and does not create any more drama in your life or that of your children. Warm wishes.

 

The longer I am away from her the more I realize what a toxic and dysfunctional marriage it was. She's a controlling and manipulative person who doesn't cope well when she's not in control of a situation.

 

I always tried to present the situation as balanced as I could, knowing full well that only one side of the story was being aired here. I think that if anything, I presented her in a more glowing light than she deserved. I guess that I got through so many years by convincing myself that she was the good person that she wishes those in the community to see her in.

 

Since being removed from that life and being in a much more functional relationship with a genuinely caring person, I'm starting to get more angry about the situation I was in for so many years. I refused to be honest with myself when I was in the relationship for fear of backing myself into a corner and leaving myself no choice but having to leave. In reality this is exactly what I should have done. It was always the kids that kept me going all this time.

 

I feel like I was used and manipulated in the beginning, then trapped once she fell pregnant to our son. Convoncing me to have a child 4 months after moving over locked me in. The reality is I think I might have left within a year of moving over. Perhaps she sensed that before I did? I'm not going to start playing the victim now - I was a consenting adult, but I guess it's a part of accepting fault in a way. If I got played, well yeah there is shame in that, but life is about learning from our mistakes and moving on.

 

I won't be making the same mistakes ever again and I'm very careful now as to whom I allow into my life. I've learned the hard way that the people we allow into our lives have the potential to either make us or break us.

[Mrschaney]

Good for you. Im happy youre out of that relationship.

Edited October 16, 2018 by Mrschaney

[BettyDraper]

The longer I am away from her the more I realize what a toxic and dysfunctional marriage it was. She's a controlling and manipulative person who doesn't cope well when she's not in control of a situation.

 

I always tried to present the situation as balanced as I could, knowing full well that only one side of the story was being aired here. I think that if anything, I presented her in a more glowing light than she deserved. I guess that I got through so many years by convincing myself that she was the good person that she wishes those in the community to see her in.

 

Since being removed from that life and being in a much more functional relationship with a genuinely caring person, I'm starting to get more angry about the situation I was in for so many years. I refused to be honest with myself when I was in the relationship for fear of backing myself into a corner and leaving myself no choice but having to leave. In reality this is exactly what I should have done. It was always the kids that kept me going all this time.

 

I feel like I was used and manipulated in the beginning, then trapped once she fell pregnant to our son. Convoncing me to have a child 4 months after moving over locked me in. The reality is I think I might have left within a year of moving over. Perhaps she sensed that before I did? I'm not going to start playing the victim now - I was a consenting adult, but I guess it's a part of accepting fault in a way. If I got played, well yeah there is shame in that, but life is about learning from our mistakes and moving on.

 

I won't be making the same mistakes ever again and I'm very careful now as to whom I allow into my life. I've learned the hard way that the people we allow into our lives have the potential to either make us or break us.

 

I can see why you are displeased with your wife. Her behavior is awful. At the same time, I also think it's important to realize that all of us are flawed. Your wife clearly has some of the negative traits you mentioned but human nature is not black and white. Remember that you married your wife and had children with her so she can't be as terrible as you are saying she is.

 

Nobody can be used, convinced, or manipulated unless he allows himself to be. You were young and naive but you were not under any kind of duress to being a relationship with your wife. My experience has been that men typically blame women when a relationship goes sour.

 

I'm glad that you're careful about whom is in your life. That's an important lesson to learn. Continue to be mature and civil to your wife. Let her stew in her jealousy. I'm hoping that she isn't manipulating your son with parental alienation. Maybe your son is having difficulty with the divorce as children are wont to.

[Trail Blazer]

I can see why you are displeased with your wife. Her behavior is awful. At the same time, I also think it's important to realize that all of us are flawed. Your wife clearly has some of the negative traits you mentioned but human nature is not black and white. Remember that you married your wife and had children with her so she can't be as terrible as you are saying she is.

 

Nobody can be used, convinced, or manipulated unless he allows himself to be. You were young and naive but you were not under any kind of duress to being a relationship with your wife. My experience has been that men typically blame women when a relationship goes sour.

 

I'm glad that you're careful about whom is in your life. That's an important lesson to learn. Continue to be mature and civil to your wife. Let her stew in her jealousy. I'm hoping that she isn't manipulating your son with parental alienation. Maybe your son is having difficulty with the divorce as children are wont to.

I posted this when I wasn't in the best mood. None of us are perfect, but I'm just reflecting. I wasn't under duress, but hindsight is a wonderful thing and I would have chosen a different path had I had my time again knowing who she really is. Having said that, do I regret it? If this leads me onto a better path, no... but it doesn't mean it was the right choice.

 

I have had difficulty with the ex and I've seen a community family relationships counsellor with the intention of initiating mediation with my ex. I want a parenting plan to be created, agreed upon and stuck to. I'm tired of the games and being undermined while the time which should be allocated exclusively for my kids and I getting heavily compromised.