Still struggling but...

[digger]

Its been 17 months now since our separation, and a year since the divorce. I'm not much better but i appear to be. The old gnaw in my stomach pops up about 5 times a day, down from 15 times a day. I still love her and I always will. Twenty three years of memories cant be brushed off the table in a moment, altho shes seemed to do it (or is it a good front).

I talked to my daughter yesterday and she knows my pain. I asked her if EW was still talking to her old boss on the phone like a giggly teenager. Her old boss is who she went to see over the holidays and had it written in the divorce decree that Im out of all financial responsibility if I would allow her to move herself and my girl 1000 miles away. Then she sells OUR house here and buys another one 3 miles away.

So back to the giggly phone talk, my daughter says "no, she doesnt act that way anymore, they still talk but not as much as they used to". Then my daughter tells me (and I didnt catch it quite right) that either she was told, or, someone suggested that HE has told her to back off.

Do you think this is a case of "he got what he wanted", or, "hey Im moving down there" and he takes 2 steps back and says 'woooo wait a minute". Is the flame blowing out? Who else has been in this scenario?

[Lil Honey]

It sounds like you are hoping and waiting around to see if your EW and the OM break up.

 

You've been divorced for a year. Start taking care of yourself. Pay attention to yourSELF and your daughter, rather than what you EW does.

[digger]

I suppose. Dont we all wait and hope during a given time.

But..can you break up over mere phone conversations? Doesnt seem to be much substance there, realizing HE is 1000 miles away and shes chosen to stay put.

[Lil Honey]

I think the person who wants a divorce has waited and hoped THEN wants a divorce. The person who doesn't ask for the divorce waits and hopes . . . possibly when there isn't anything to wait and hope for.

 

Yeah, people can break up over phone conversations. One person simply needs to hear something that stops him/her in their tracks.

 

The OM is 1000 miles away. That relationship may or may not be working. If that one doesn't work, another one might.

 

She chose to stay in your area. Why? No one knows but her. She likes the area. She wants your child to be close to you. It could be anything.

 

Moving out of the previous house could mean that she is/was restless. Or it could mean that she doens't want to be around all the memories. It depends on how a person looks at it . . . and how much they want to put themselves through.

 

I'm not trying to be difficult, Digger. I'm just saying to live your life. IF she comes back, then you can make a decision. If she doesn't, you are that much further on the road to recovery. I'm just saying, "Don't let it consume you." (Easier said than done.)

[digger]

I know youre not trying to be hard. On a few notes, she hates this city. She wanted out when we first got here 3 yrs ago. Now shes 'bought' new roots to stay. Im thinking if youre hell bent on going to OM (if in fact he really is) then you either stick it out in the house you have, or sell it and rent. She promised daughter she could finish high school here (which is in 11 months). As for wanting me to be close to daughter, she didnt think that a year ago when she was ready to head out.

The hard part to bear is the utter hate she shows. The mean spiteful things shes said when all I have been in 17 months is understanding and willing to work on 'us'. Things shes said about me, my family. This was unequivicly the sweetest woman you ever met up to divorce papers. She never said a 4 letter word. I'd buy her a pint of Jack (her fave) and there would be 1 inch out of the bottle 6 months later.

I spoke to a preist the other day. I told him of this. His response: People act this way due to GUILT. I have to buy that. But I cant understand why she wont even give me the time of day when she sees I want to try so hard.

I sent her flowers 3 weeks ago and my note read "we all make mistakes but the 1 mistake i never made was asking you to dance 23 yrs ago tomorrow night".

Every woman i've told that to goes "awwwwww". Except the one that I want to say that.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Digger, you have to stop thinking about what she's doing or what she's thinking or who she's dating because it's none of your business anymore.

 

AND you have to STOP asking your daughter about your ex. You're putting your daughter in a very difficult situation when you do that.

 

It's time to think about YOU. Redirect your thoughts when she gets into your head.

 

Have you gone for counselling at all?

[digger]

Ya know, i havent. But i have a phone number that Im going to. Its just that I cant afford $100 per hour. THIS has been my counseling.

On a sidenote, I know. I cant force another person to do something. Im in Vegas and I dont hold a card. But if theres one thing that I give serious consideration to, is a movie that I think is her and I to a tee. Its "Indecent proposal". Heres a couple in love, He put $$ ahead of her, she ended up being with the other guy, he regretted it..and so did she. The millionaire (redford) let her go after saying <'she'll never look at me the way she looked at him".

Then they meet at a pier. She says from behind a wall "have i ever told you i loved you". Exactly the same thing my EW used to say to me.

[Lil Honey]

I don't know where you live but here in Michigan, there are counselors who have rates based on income (sliding scale) and some take health insurance. Do some checking around for prices. You may be surprised.

 

You are hurt and that's understandable. There is a difference between hoping someone will return and grieving that they are gone.

 

I really think that most women divorce AFTER they have exhausted all avenues . . . well . . . the ones that they are aware of. So, when they leave, there isn't much feeling left.