A bunch of other men

[Tracy.Pet]

Well, where do I start. A few weeks ago I posted a thread on my recent breakup/get back together with my boyfriend of two years.

 

I don't want to get too much into this story.

 

The current situation is extremely difficult for me to handle.

 

I am quite young - 25 years old. During the breakup I tried to cope with it the good old fashioned way - other men's comfort. I did not sleep with anyone, but I was constantly having conversations with other guys.

 

One of them appeared out of nowhere, in a street. I lied to my boyfriend he is a friend of my friend. I did meet him three times. Every time we were with a bunch of his friends, having a really nice time. No romance involved, but I do feel like meeting him is wrong just because of the way we met. I know my boyfriend would not understand and I dont really want anything with the guy, just to know different people. I never had many friends and it was a problem - I was spending time with my bf alone and got really attached and demanding. I'm laid back now and really chill. The guy texts me occasionally and offers to meetup. There were no leads that he is interested in me, maybe apart from "you could have stayed over at my place instead of taking a cab".

 

Another guy is from Sweden, while I live in whole another side of the globe. We started talking on social media. He is 12 years older. He is absolutely handsome, really smart and we're having beautiful conversations about life, virtues and books. The problem is, he is quite famous. I do feel a little insecure, because even though my career is going well, I haven't done that much in my life and feel like he is a bit out of my league. He always keeps mentioning our meeting(that is not yet planned but I'm seriously out of my mind - he attracts me because of his intelligence and I even consider telling him I have a business trip to Sweden in order to have a reason to meet him) and how he wants to see me, talking about things he will tell me about eye to eye. It is quite flirty. And I do feel that if we'd meet up, I'd sleep with him. I'm incredibly attracted to him.

 

The thing is, I'm doing all these things while having a boyfriend. I do love him, at least I think I do, but his love language is just different than mine and sometimes I lack things like affection. Recently we had a breakup and got back together, initiated by him. I do feel like some things changed, but its not a major change. This relationship is very, very fragile at this point and I don't want to ruin it to the bits, but I cant deny my attraction to other men. What is going on with me? I feel horrible, I thought I could never do such things.

 

The funny thing is, he did the exact same thing to me one year ago, with a woman from another country. They did sextext. I found out. I did stay because I really was too deep into him. But now... is this some sort of inner revenge? There's barely any way he would find out. I don't know, should I meet the swedish guy? Shouldn't I? What do I do!

Edited August 15, 2017 by Tracy.Pet
Clarifying some details

[BaileyB]

I think you may want to spend some time alone and try to figure out why you are so needy of male attention. You will have many difficulties until you develop a stronger sense of self esteem and stronger boundaries.

 

With all due respect, you started talking to a man who appeared out of nowhere on the street and another from another country online... All because you couldn't cope with the lonliness after a breakup. That's not normal behavior. And to do this while you are still in a relationship, that's not good.

Edited August 15, 2017 by BaileyB

[Ahurtgirl]

If you were in love and he was giving you the time, attention, and affection you want and need, you wouldn't be drawn to any other man.

[stillafool]

What is going on with you is you should be single so you can date around. You don't need a boyfriend.

[DKT3]

If you were in love and he was giving you the time, attention, and affection you want and need, you wouldn't be drawn to any other man.

 

Attraction is natural, being married or in a relationship doesn't end having attraction towards other people.

 

What he does or doesn't do has absolutely no impact on her finding men attractive. The problem is OP lacks boundaries, again whatever her boyfriend does or doesn't do has no impact on her lack of boundaries.

 

If she were living an authentic life and was honest with herself, she would recognize these attractions for what they are. Instead she isn't honest with herself by thinking that lying and sneaking around with a guy she finds attractive is being "friendly" and meeting new people..

 

OP, it honestly sound like you are in no position to have a serious relationship. Nothing Wrong with that. But the thing is you can be half in both worlds that is how people get hurt.

 

I'm guessing if you question love with your boyfriend than you don't love him. Or the pull of being single is greater than the feelings you have for him. Either way, it all says end the relationship if he isn't on the same page and you willing aren't willing to allow him those same parameters.

[Tracy.Pet]

I do have major daddy issues, maybe that is why I crave the male attention so bad. The thing is, I've never even thought of doing things like this. In my life I've never ever cheated on another person. Not even a thought of it. But after this recent fight with him, after all those unfullfilled promises that he will change, I just don't know what to do. I do myself feel like I'm searching for a reason to breakup, yet I don't want to at the same time.

 

This is a ridiculous story and I know I am probably just being a desperate child. I am just really emotionally drained out after the fights we had. Sorry for coming off like that in my original post, I am really lost in myself. I've never experienced this before and feel especially disgusted with myself because my father cheated on my mother multiple times and the divorce process was real nasty since my mother has a company and I had to comfort her and be a huge part of their whole arguing part.

[sandylee1]

If I was you I'd break up with your boyfriend and be single to enjoy the company of other men.

 

You're only young once. Make the most of it, before you're committed to one person.

 

Why tie yourself down, when you don't have to.

[BaileyB]

After this recent fight with him, after all those unfullfilled promises that he will change, I just dont know what to do.

 

I do myself feel like I'm searching for a reason to breakup, yet I don't want to at the same time.

 

I am just really emotionally drained out after the fights we had.

 

I think you need to take a break from relationships for a while. Relationships really shouldn't be this hard... Something is wrong if you are "emotionally drained from fights." That's not healthy.

[Tracy.Pet]

I think you need to take a break from relationships for a while. Relationships really shouldn't be this hard... Something is wrong if you are "emotionally drained from fights." That's not healthy.

 

I do feel fine and alive talking to other people. Once he is around, it drains me down. I do not want to be in a relationship with any of the guys I'm having conversations/meetings with. I just want their company, as a friends. All my life I had only men as friends, women tend to dislike me somehow, even though I do nothing wrong in my perception. They just automatically perceive me as a competition. If I set the right boundaries (and 99% of the time, I do) men are best friends to me. I don't sleep around by any means, my current boyfriend was the first one to me, just like he was my first love. Maybe that explains the attachment I have towards him.

 

Yeah, relationships shouldnt be this hard, youre absolutely right. We just had these two weeks of on/off, it was the first huge fight in our whole relationship. It just all reminds me of my parents constantly fighting and it drains me down at instant. Maybe I just need time to relax and heal from the last fight. Work has been hectic too.

 

I really wish people had some radar to constate whether the relationship youre in is healthy, haha. Its so hard to differentiate once youre in one.

[BaileyB]

Have you ever spoken to a counsellor?

[lana-banana]

All my life I had only men as friends, women tend to dislike me somehow, even though I do nothing wrong in my perception. They just automatically perceive me as a competition. If I set the right boundaries (and 99% of the time, I do) men are best friends to me.

 

Sorry, but this is a huge red flag to any healthy adult. Would you want to date a guy who only had female friends? Of course not; you would wonder why he was totally unable to bond with other men. You would assume, correctly, that he has some gigantic problems with his ego and insecurities. You say all other women---what a preposterous blanket judgment!---think of you as competition? You are clearly the only one trying to compete, and the other women you've met immediately recognize it and aren't interested in your melodramatics. This statement says much more about you than other women. (Your follow-on comment about setting boundaries, because of course every man you meet wants to sleep with you, just confirm the point.)

 

See a counselor. And start exploring why you can't seem to have a female friendship without sexual jealousy or competition somehow coming to the forefront. I get that you think you're an ultra-cool girl who's also sweet and naive and just wanted to be loved, but it comes off as desperately needy.

[Tracy.Pet]

Sorry, but this is a huge red flag to any healthy adult. Would you want to date a guy who only had female friends? Of course not; you would wonder why he was totally unable to bond with other men. You would assume, correctly, that he has some gigantic problems with his ego and insecurities. You say all other women---what a preposterous blanket judgment!---think of you as competition? You are clearly the only one trying to compete, and the other women you've met immediately recognize it and aren't interested in your melodramatics. This statement says much more about you than other women. (Your follow-on comment about setting boundaries, because of course every man you meet wants to sleep with you, just confirm the point.)

 

See a counselor. And start exploring why you can't seem to have a female friendship without sexual jealousy or competition somehow coming to the forefront. I get that you think you're an ultra-cool girl who's also sweet and naive and just wanted to be loved, but it comes off as desperately needy.

 

Sheeesh. I've been seeing a psychiatrist for 2 years now for my low self-esteem so I definitely was in no place to compete, especially induce it. You have no idea how much I've been hurt by women who disguise themselves as "friends". I did not claim every guy wants to sleep with me, but feelings develop naturally, whether its them or me.

[Hip Pocket]

I don't think you need a counselor and I don't think there is necessarily anything wrong with you. What I'm hearing is that your bf hurt you and said he'd fix it but he didn't, not really, so now you're left disenchanted by him and the reality that he hadn't tried enough.

 

You have two choices. Stop seeing him and see all the men you want or stay and step out on him. I think the first choice might cause a real change in him but if not you're out there and having fun. The second choice could hurt you both.

 

Be careful about this "famous" guy. He could be 70, bald, and creepy. Make sure you meet him in a very public place if you go ahead with a meeting.

[Tracy.Pet]

I don't think you need a counselor and I don't think there is necessarily anything wrong with you. What I'm hearing is that your bf hurt you and said he'd fix it but he didn't, not really, so now you're left disenchanted by him and the reality that he hadn't tried enough.

 

You have two choices. Stop seeing him and see all the men you want or stay and step out on him. I think the first choice might cause a real change in him but if not you're out there and having fun. The second choice could hurt you both.

 

Be careful about this "famous" guy. He could be 70, bald, and creepy. Make sure you meet him in a very public place if you go ahead with a meeting.

 

Thanks. Really, thank you. For simply understanding. This hits home.

 

I feel bad about seeing other men, I definitely do, but at the same time I justify my actions, and what I mean by that... He was staying over on Wednesday, since we both had a day off on Friday. He just fell asleep, not even a kiss, not even a hug, no sex, he wasn't even tired. I dont want to be demanding but I shouldnt be asking for simple things like that. He does show affection when we're with our friends and that just sucks - why pretend that everything is okay in front of others?

 

I think I need some time. The getting back together happened not too long ago and people dont change overnight, so I might just wait and see. But youre absolutely right on the choices. I probably will quit anyways, whats the point in waiting right? Or maybe I just need a reason, I dont want to hurt him.

 

About the foreigner guy - we did facetime, he isnt bald, creepy or 70, haha. But yes, safety first, even though he is attractive he might be messed up.