Issues with her past relationship. me(18M) girlfriend(18F)

[amazonboy01]

I think everyone has it's issues. I mean this things they can't stop thinking about. But I also believe, many of you have gotten over it, therefore I am writing mine here in the hope of finding a solution.

 

So, the thing is, we met when almost an year ago. I moved to my old town, went to my old school (11th grade), with my best friend (literally, we know each other since we were 3 or so). However, there comes this classmate of mine (we were both 17 at the time), she was insanely beautiful, intelligent, so popular that she got along with everyone and was never afraid of sharing her opinion, etc.. She was the kind of girl that no guy could think that he had a chance with. At least I didn't. Anyway, I was a virgin at the time, and very shy. Also shyness was the reason why I was still a virgin. So, me and this "perfect" girl got along pretty well, we ended having coffe after school at my place (I'm living alone, because my parents have a flat in our old town and they let me live in it). So, after that came kissing and of course sex.

 

All nice and great, I was finally happy that I lost my virginity and have a relationship one month after I decided to move out from my parents. BUT, after a while (six months or so of relationship) when things got pretty serious, I started thinking about her past. So, I knew she wasn't a virgin and she alredy told me she had a one and a half year relationship with a douche. So yea, she had sex with him. F*ck.

 

Now i've gotten to the point where I can't stand the Idea that she had this special thing with someone else. As I said in the beginning of this post, I know.. It is most certainly my issue, but I can't stop thinking about it. I always think, if I hadn't been so shy, and had sex before her.. maybe this wasn't such an issue, and I would've had no problem with it. And I always think that maybe cheating her, is the best solution, so that I wouldn't think how unfair it is, that she's the only who had more than one in her life. Now, I know this sound childish, selfish, etc.. But, in this kind of situation.. I know many of you (guys) would come to the same conclusion, if you really love that girl. Which I am, I love her a lot, I mean.. it's freakin beautiful what we have.. except this one thing that is ruining everything (at least from my perspective)

 

So, please, what can I do to stop this thoughts? What kind of perspective should I have? I know I care to much about this kind of subject, about sex... but I find it somehting very special, as anyone does, so I think cheating her is the best way to balance the situation. But I am not sure. I am so lost, and it is literally eating me from inside. I can't concentrate on anything else for 30 min without thinking about this.. how can I stop?

[PegNosePete]

I think cheating her is the best way to balance the situation.

Does she agree with you on this? Did you discuss it with her?

[somanymistakes]

Incredibly harsh reaction: break up with your girlfriend, because you are nowhere near mature enough to be in an adult relationship.

 

Now, can you figure out why I said that? Take a few guesses.

 

I'm not actually just trying to be mean to you, I'm trying to push you to examine what you've said and find the parts that don't add up.

 

If you really cannot get these intrusive thoughts out of your head, therapy might also be a possibility.

[Redhead14]

This is your first relationship and sexual experience. It is very unlikely that the two of you will be each other's last relationship. When you do move on from each other, do you think your new partner should be worrying about your past relationship obsessively?

 

Everyone has a past. The past is the past and it should be left there. Past partners may have a special place in someone's heart depending on the situation but that does not mean there is not room for someone new.

My SO and I have had other relationships. What's important is that we make each other happy and we enjoy being together. Focus on what's now and enjoy the time you have with each other. People date and experience relationships over the course of their lives and evaluate and focus on their needs and learn from those experiences so that they can find suitable partners. It's a process.

 

Cheating on your girlfriend because she was with someone else before you came along is extremely immature -- but not surprising given your age. If this is bothering you so much, you end it with her and then seek a new partner. Do not compromise your future relationships by cheating on this one. This will follow you through your life. It may tell future partners that you can't be trusted in relationships. That's not a good thing.

 

Put yourself in her shoes -- her boyfriend cheats on her so that he can be "even" with her in terms of sexual partners?????? Don't hurt her like that. Bottom line, GET OVER IT, or you will ruin the good thing you have.

 

If you are truly thinking of cheating, end this now before it hurts both of you.

[knabe]

Wow...the immaturity is astounding. She didn't cheat on you - she had a life before you.

 

If you are already this hung up about girls' past experiences at 18, I feel for you at 25, 30, etc.

 

You need to grow up. That is the best advice you could be given - grow up.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Wow...the immaturity is astounding. She didn't cheat on you - she had a life before you.

 

If you are already this hung up about girls' past experiences at 18, I feel for you at 25, 30, etc.

 

You need to grow up. That is the best advice you could be given - grow up.

 

Exactly. You need to nip this issue in the bud NOW or you will never make a good partner because you'll be plagued with jealousy in every relationship. This is not cool.

[amazonboy01]

Does she agree with you on this? Did you discuss it with her?

 

Yes, she did agree. She told me she wanted me to be her first, and her past was a mistake, she cried.. it kinda broke my heart seeing her crying.

[amazonboy01]

This is your first relationship and sexual experience. It is very unlikely that the two of you will be each other's last relationship. When you do move on from each other, do you think your new partner should be worrying about your past relationship obsessively?

 

Everyone has a past. The past is the past and it should be left there. Past partners may have a special place in someone's heart depending on the situation but that does not mean there is not room for someone new.

My SO and I have had other relationships. What's important is that we make each other happy and we enjoy being together. Focus on what's now and enjoy the time you have with each other. People date and experience relationships over the course of their lives and evaluate and focus on their needs and learn from those experiences so that they can find suitable partners. It's a process.

 

Cheating on your girlfriend because she was with someone else before you came along is extremely immature -- but not surprising given your age. If this is bothering you so much, you end it with her and then seek a new partner. Do not compromise your future relationships by cheating on this one. This will follow you through your life. It may tell future partners that you can't be trusted in relationships. That's not a good thing.

 

Put yourself in her shoes -- her boyfriend cheats on her so that he can be "even" with her in terms of sexual partners?????? Don't hurt her like that. Bottom line, GET OVER IT, or you will ruin the good thing you have.

 

If you are truly thinking of cheating, end this now before it hurts both of you.

 

But, won't it be unfair, knowing that you will walk down the street and seeing her ex.. the guy that had this special thing with her as well.. It's not a nice feeling. and you can't just stop thinking about it..

And also.. about special parteners. I don't have something like that, unlike her. And that's unfair. I know it's selfish and childish, but that's the way I feel. And I don't know how to change that. So, the fact that i'm thinking about cheating, seems pretty normal in this situation.

Edited August 15, 2017 by amazonboy01

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

But, won't it be unfair, knowing that you will walk down the street and seeing her ex.. the guy that had this special thing with her as well.. It's not a nice feeling. and you can't just stop thinking about it..

And also.. about special parteners. I don't have something like that, unlike her. And that's unfair. I know it's selfish and childish, but that's the way I feel. And I don't know how to change that. So, the fact that i'm thinking about cheating, seems pretty normal in this situation.

 

Now's a good time for you to learn that life isn't fair, son.

[amazonboy01]

Wow...the immaturity is astounding. She didn't cheat on you - she had a life before you.

 

If you are already this hung up about girls' past experiences at 18, I feel for you at 25, 30, etc.

 

You need to grow up. That is the best advice you could be given - grow up.

 

Not so easy. It is an issue, I know. And I'm aware that it can get worse over time. But it's something that just pops up on my mind. That's what i'm trying to avoid..

[amazonboy01]

Now's a good time for you to learn that life isn't fair, son.

 

Right. But, how do you get over it? Over the fact that the person you love the most had someone befor you?

[Redhead14]

Right. But, how do you get over it?

 

Just about any girl you might date will have had another partner in their past. You just need to accept it or stop dating Period.

 

Go out with some friends, do some projects, get really busy so you have other things to think about. Beyond that, you will eventually get sick of being stressed over it and stop naturally or you will kill your relationship with her.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Right. But, how do you get over it? Over the fact that the person you love the most had someone befor you?

 

Well, cheating on her is not the answer. You can't change history. Even if you cheat, she will always have had sex with someone other than you. If you cheat, you also can never change that....you'll BE a cheater. Is that what you want?

 

How do you get over IT? Maybe get over yourself. This is a pride thing. You're not THAT important .

[thefooloftheyear]

Right. But, how do you get over it? Over the fact that the person you love the most had someone befor you?

 

C'mon kid...

 

Before she met you, you were a nobody to her...Just a face in the crowd...You don't take women out of a new box and put them on like a pair of sneakers...She had a life, and was desirable enough to attract other guys...So effing what?

 

If you want to look at the positive side of this...show her that you are the best version of a guy she's ever had(in bed or otherwise)...If that is truly the case, then you will have no concerns at all...

 

Just get over it, man....

 

TFY

[BaileyB]

Not so easy. It is an issue, I know. And I'm aware that it can get worse over time. But it's something that just pops up on my mind. That's what i'm trying to avoid..

 

Imagine the look on her face when she learns that you've cheated on her... to "even the score." Perhaps, the idea of causing pain to the woman you profess to love will cause you to reconsider.

 

As to the fact that she had one sexual partner before you, I say simply - get over yourself already. You are creating problems where none exist and you are about to try and solve this little "problem" with the worst possible solution.

 

I would say, you have a lot of maturing to do before you are ready to have a serious relationship.

[BaileyB]

Yes, she did agree. She told me she wanted me to be her first, and her past was a mistake, she cried.. it kinda broke my heart seeing her crying.

 

Well then, she is just as immature about relationships as you are...

 

Not to mention the fact that you are both playing Russian roulette with your sexual health if you do actually follow-through with this ridiculous plan.

[BaileyB]

But, won't it be unfair, knowing that you will walk down the street and seeing her ex.. the guy that had this special thing with her as well.. It's not a nice feeling. and you can't just stop thinking about it..

And also.. about special parteners. I don't have something like that, unlike her. And that's unfair. I know it's selfish and childish, but that's the way I feel. And I don't know how to change that. So, the fact that i'm thinking about cheating, seems pretty normal in this situation.

 

Have you heard one single person who has said "Yeah, that sounds like a good idea to me. It seems pretty normal given the situation." No.

 

If this whole thing is just an attempt to get permission to have sex with another girl, you need to break up with this girl first.

 

Dude, life is not fair. And, hate to burst your bubble but... It's just sex. Yeah, you love each other and she's wonderful and all that... But really, there is nothing special about it. At your age, it's unlikely that you will stay together with this girl (much as your hormonal, teen-age brain will tell you that can't possibly be true). So, you will have other partners in your life, and they will have other partners in their life... You see what I'm saying.

 

But, you cheat on her and everytime you date another woman, when they ask you if you've ever cheated you will have to say "Yes." And, that is going to suck. Because, women will walk away and say "that guy can't be trusted..." And if you try to tell them that you did it to even the score because she was your first, and she had already had another partner... They are still going to walk because that is the most immature and illogical excuse that they will probably ever hear.

 

So, get over yourself already. The past is the past. Focus on the present and look toward the future.

Edited August 18, 2017 by BaileyB

[Tribble]

And also.. about special parteners. I don't have something like that, unlike her. And that's unfair. I know it's selfish and childish, but that's the way I feel. And I don't know how to change that. So, the fact that i'm thinking about cheating, seems pretty normal in this situation.

 

First of all, stop pretending that wanting to cheat in this situation is normal. It isn't. It is a clear sign that you don't love her as much as you think you do. If you did, the thought of touching another girl would make you sick.

 

And cheating won't even the score. She lost her virginity to someone else - something you think is special. That will never happen for her nor you again. Cheating will not be a special experience, it will just be another girl you banged.

 

You say she agrees with you, but what about specifically? She agrees that she wishes she'd saved herself for you (fairly normal) or she agrees that you wanting to cheat is normal? Have you told her you're thinking of cheating?

 

You should break up with this girl. You aren't mature enough to handle what is involved in an adult relationship. This isn't a criticism, you are only 18 after-all. But cheating is something you can never take back. It will destroy both you and her.

[Redhead14]

Not so easy. It is an issue, I know. And I'm aware that it can get worse over time. But it's something that just pops up on my mind. That's what i'm trying to avoid..

 

You can't really control what thoughts you have sometimes. Your thoughts are your thoughts. What you can do is recognize when it pops up in your mind, that it is not a useful or rational thought and then you tell yourself to stop thinking about it.

 

As soon as that thought comes up, you make yourself think about all the good things with her. Remember some good times or a cute characteristic of hers.

 

There is a therapy tool that works for some people when they have intrusive, unwanted thoughts. They keep a rubber band around their wrist. When the unwanted thought comes to mind, they snap the rubber band once or twice to distract themselves from that thought. It snaps them out of it. Try that. Do this for a little while until you don't need it anymore. If after say a couple of weeks you find that it doesn't work, then you simply have to MAKE yourself put that thought away and turn your focus to something else. Be Nike -- just DO it.

 

Your idea for cheating is what is called passive-aggressiveness. That is a very immature and unhealthy way of dealing with difficulties/issues especially in a relationship. It is something you need to learn how to stop doing while you are young. If this is your default response to things, as an adult you will find yourself being very unhappy and angry/resentful all the time. Nip it in the bud.