Men letting you go because they know they aren't making you happy

[Gr8fuln2020]

What if their requests for change are things you think are unreasonable or unwarranted? Doesn't there come a point where you'd walk away?

 

Absolutely. Left my ex w/o giving her a second chance. But that proves that you don't believe it's worth saving the relationship or keeping that toxic person around. Some people with a healthy perspective on boundaries and relationships know when to walk away.

 

And, oh, when I first saw the title to this thread, Men letting you go because they know they aren't making you happy, I thought, oh, boy, the things men (or women) say to slip away....

Edited August 16, 2017 by simpleNfit

[mortensorchid]

I've heard this story before. Hell, I LIVED it most of the time. People aren't going to change, that's the bad part of it. I don't believe anymore that people will try to make it work anymore, they just bounce from one to another to another.

 

Unfortunately it's been my experience that the man is unhappy with himself and blames the woman for the unhappiness. And then he ends up with some horrible trashy girl (yes others have accused me of saying this too often) because they're fun or they feel superior to them or whatever else. The trashy girls are fun for the short term but long term it's a nightmare.

[bachdude]

Yes and I want to improve on that if it's a fault on mine. However the actual thing I was asking them to change was in my opinion reasonable. E.g. the second guy kept bringing up things I did in the past that he didn't approve of. I asked him to stop doing that because every time he did it I actually got depressed and would overthink about my mistakes and start hating my past. He couldn't help bringing it up though.

 

This sounds like a case of someone who is harping on your past, that you *can't* change, while you were merely asking him to stop what he *could* change.

 

OP, you two were not meant for each other at all. He couldn't accept your past, whatever it was that bothered him so much. So really, he couldn't accept you for who you are. He didn't build you up; he tore you down. He was a finger pointer, a criticizer, a blamer.

 

Consider it a blessing. Find a guy that thinks the world of you, brags about you to all his friends and family, and is proud to be with you - in other words, a guy that loves you to pieces.

 

Best wishes

[The Urbanyst]

I'd like to know your opinions on this.

 

With both of them, I loved them extremely and they loved me extremely but it still didn't work out. A major reason it didn't work was because I would be patient and stay with them when they did things that hurt me, but they weren't changing those things that hurt me. Now thing is, I always thought if a man really loves a woman he will improve himself if he realises he is doing something she isn't happy with, to make it work with her. He'll do anything to be with her. And I was (especially with the second boyfriend) in really passionate, intense relationships, so I'm confused here.

 

Very unhealthy view point.

 

Nobody should have to compromise who they are to make a relationship work. There is nothing more SELFISH than telling a person: "Become a different person for ME!"

[GemmaUK]

The title of the post reminded me of the way I finally managed to end a controlling and abusive relationship.

I actually ended it by text after several attempts.

I used the words 'I can't be what you want me to be and I seem unable to make you happy'.

 

He was attempting to emotionally bully me, guilt trip me into being someone I was not over the months I dated him.

 

I'm still surprised to this day that this text managed to end it, he was impossible to lose prior to that.

He had raised a hand to strike me a week prior and then brought the subject up the next morning saying 'I would never hit a woman' - well he almost did with me.

[basil67]

]I've heard this story before. Hell' date=' I LIVED it most of the time. [/b']People aren't going to change, that's the bad part of it. I don't believe anymore that people will try to make it work anymore, they just bounce from one to another to another.

 

Unfortunately it's been my experience that the man is unhappy with himself and blames the woman for the unhappiness. And then he ends up with some horrible trashy girl (yes others have accused me of saying this too often) because they're fun or they feel superior to them or whatever else. The trashy girls are fun for the short term but long term it's a nightmare.

 

Mortensorchid, you've been wondering for a very long time why guys keep leaving you. This is a really important bit of information to explore on your next thread. Perhaps you've been wanting guys to change for you? (Not exploring this further right now so that we don't hijack the thread)

[kazen]

Yeah, that makes total sense.

 

It's just really hard for me because when I fall in love, I really really fall hard, and would fight til the end to make it work with that person. Even if I was upset by certain things they did I'd still want to keep trying to make it work because my love is so large. I feel alone in that :/

 

I'm the same way. Once I'm in love someone, my love is theirs for life if they so choose but unfortunately, they chose to break my heart and go with someone else. I have yet to meet someone who can love me as much as I love them. I never understood how people can say "I love you" and then few months later feels nothing for you. To me, it doesn't make sense.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I actually believe that love, at least love how I see it is extremely rare. It's this instinctive genuine connection that has nothing to do with pragmatic list of traits and behaviors. However, since people tend to be social and by nature hate being alone, they start relationships with others that are attractive enough, have few things in common and seem to get along. After a certain amount of time, attachment grows, as it does if you spend a lot of time with anyone and they call it "love".

 

It's close enough but the key difference is what they are willing to do when the going gets tough...most bail because it's easy enough to find another companion-based relationship. Sure, it was "special", just not "that special".

 

I will give an example of my last relationship. The guy wasn't fully divorced yet, he was broke, an alcoholic and had a crazy ex wife that harassed me constantly. All terrible things that any sane person would walk away from. And I did give all these reasons when I ended it (just more nicely worded). But the real reason? When I looked at this man, I just "knew" I wasn't in love with him. If I was, I would have taken all that on, as crazy as that sounds. Because my drive to be with him would override all else.

 

Love is not rational.

[Chilli]

Actually , cancel this one

Edited August 16, 2017 by Chilli

[Gr8fuln2020]

I actually believe that love, at least love how I see it is extremely rare. It's this instinctive genuine connection that has nothing to do with pragmatic list of traits and behaviors. However, since people tend to be social and by nature hate being alone, they start relationships with others that are attractive enough, have few things in common and seem to get along. After a certain amount of time, attachment grows, as it does if you spend a lot of time with anyone and they call it "love".

 

It's close enough but the key difference is what they are willing to do when the going gets tough...most bail because it's easy enough to find another companion-based relationship. Sure, it was "special", just not "that special".

 

I will give an example of my last relationship. The guy wasn't fully divorced yet, he was broke, an alcoholic and had a crazy ex wife that harassed me constantly. All terrible things that any sane person would walk away from. And I did give all these reasons when I ended it (just more nicely worded). But the real reason? When I looked at this man, I just "knew" I wasn't in love with him. If I was, I would have taken all that on, as crazy as that sounds. Because my drive to be with him would override all else.

 

Love is not rational.

 

ES,

 

I submit to you that is absolutely plausible that you not being in love with this guy has to do with the very issues he had. Your 'rational' side prevented you from making an irrational connection. I mean, there is NO way that I would get involved with someone like you described. My rational side always takes the lead and that prevents me, for the most part, from even getting involved with people with issues that are too much to take or tolerate.

 

I believe in love. Still looking for it again. I just feel that too many people have made too many mistakes that make it difficult for them to retain it.

[Seriousperson]

What if their requests for change are things you think are unreasonable or unwarranted? Doesn't there come a point where you'd walk away?

 

If they are being unreasonable, yes I leave. I dated a guy who was super controlling, he never trusted me despite always being in contact and spending whole days together. Every time we hung out, he would have a fit about me not being interested and looking at/chatting to other guys.

[basil67]

It's just really hard for me because when I fall in love, I really really fall hard, and would fight til the end to make it work with that person. Even if I was upset by certain things they did I'd still want to keep trying to make it work because my love is so large. I feel alone in that :/

 

I missed this post.

 

Where you're going wrong is letting love override logic. Falling in love with someone who isn't what you want them to be is a fool's errand. Learn to be more judicious over who you love.

[Seriousperson]

I've heard this story before. Hell, I LIVED it most of the time. People aren't going to change, that's the bad part of it. I don't believe anymore that people will try to make it work anymore, they just bounce from one to another to another.

 

Unfortunately it's been my experience that the man is unhappy with himself and blames the woman for the unhappiness. And then he ends up with some horrible trashy girl (yes others have accused me of saying this too often) because they're fun or they feel superior to them or whatever else. The trashy girls are fun for the short term but long term it's a nightmare.

 

I've had that experience as well, not the 2nd part. I dated a guy (long distance), who had no goals, was broke and not in a good place in life. Very true he blamed me and the relationship for his unhappiness. Best to date a guy (or girl) who is secure in life.

[Redhead14]

It's just really hard for me because when I fall in love, I really really fall hard, and would fight til the end to make it work with that person. Even if I was upset by certain things they did I'd still want to keep trying to make it work because my love is so large. I feel alone in that :/

 

That is an exhausting approach to having a relationship. It really doesn't matter what you want. If the other person doesn't want it too, all you are doing is stringing yourself along. And if you are doing all this and the other person is going along with it, there's something wrong with them as well. Usually, it means they are taking advantage of you. If you are doing all the work to keep a relationship going, you're going to wear yourself out.

 

I'd still want to keep trying to make it work because my love is so large.-- This doesn't mean that your LOVE is so large, it means that your sense of validation comes from having a relationship. Your esteem is small/low. If someone isn't treating you well overall and pushing down your feelings/accepting it, you have to accept that they aren't the right person for you.

 

I feel alone in that :/ -- You are not alone in that, but it just puts you in a group of women/people who develop unhealthy attachments.

 

Your attitude might/could apply in a MARRIAGE, but not with boyfriends. As long as a guy is just your boyfriend, you are in the evaluation stage for a marital relationship or long-term co-mingled commitment. You don't "work on" too much in a bf/gf relationship. Yeah, there may be fairly minor issues here and there that you might want to work on, but if you're doing that frequently and overall you are unhappy, you end it.

[Redhead14]

I always thought if a man really loves a woman he will improve himself -- This is a very fairy tale concept. It's maybe true to some degree. But, yeah, if a man really loves a woman, he will make some concessions/improvements if they are actually to his benefit personally as well. If they don't try at least or if they try and fail over and over again, it really means that they don't love her as much as she thinks or he even thinks because they are just who they are. Changing yourself completely to accommodate a relationship is not healthy. And, what you've been doing is changing yourself to accommodate those men.

 

Your approach didn't work with the last two or this one. That doesn't work for you so try being more focused on your own needs and whether or not the other person is meeting them without having to re-invent them.

 

When you are doing all the work and waiting for a guy to change significantly, you are taking on a project. You want a complete person who is, for the most part, compatible with you. You don't want a build-a-man. Frankenstein did that and he did a lot of work to get it to walk around and look like a man but it wasn't pretty. You don't do that with a relationship. While you are struggling and making everything look good to the world, you are compromising yourself and living a lie.

 

Men letting you go because they know they aren't making you happy

 

For you the statement above should be: "Me letting men go because they aren't making me happy".

Edited August 18, 2017 by Redhead14

[umirano]

You can't change people. Most people can't even change themselves. It's unrealistic to expect person A becomes person B just by entering a relationship. You need obviously a base compatibility and a true willingness to compromise, from both sides for a half decent relationship. Anything beyond is love. Love your partner. Don't reeducate him, don't try to understand everything all the time. It's about love and compromises. That's what make relationships survive.

 

In my last RS I was ok with her flaws (a bit mean, very sensitive) but she wanted me to eradicate one of mine (I show when I'm really angry and I may want to be by myself for some time). I told her I couldn't do it, even if I wanted to. So it ended.

 

The RS before that I couldn't put up with her flaws (completely unreliable due to depression and substance abuse) and she didn't change even though she really wanted to. It ended.

 

I fell hard for both of these girls too. Welp... it is what it is. How hard we fall for someone has no bearing on their ability or willingness to change, i.e. compromise.

[Sweetfish]

I'd like to know your opinions on this.

 

After a lot of reflecting about my past I've noticed this happened with both of my past boyfriends.

 

With both of them, I loved them extremely and they loved me extremely but it still didn't work out. A major reason it didn't work was because I would be patient and stay with them when they did things that hurt me, but they weren't changing those things that hurt me. Now thing is, I always thought if a man really loves a woman he will improve himself if he realises he is doing something she isn't happy with, to make it work with her. He'll do anything to be with her. And I was (especially with the second boyfriend) in really passionate, intense relationships, so I'm confused here.

 

With both guys, they eventually accepted a breakup because they didn't want to hurt me anymore and felt I deserved better.

 

I'm left thinking could they have just tried to be better for the sake of staying with me?

 

I just really have a strong belief that if a man loves a woman and vice versa so passionately it should've worked out because the man would have done anything to make it work with the woman (and same goes for the woman). Or is this not quite accurate to believe...

 

 

Maybe if you were honest with your self you would find the real reason why you are having relationship problems and stop putting the blame on the boyfriends. Before you (and posters) come to the conclusion that Sweetfish is being "mean" I suggest you read the OP's other threads. The thing that stands out to me is how you stick and carrot these guys and think its going to yield better results. The first boyfriend you had you dumped him first.

 

My first boyfriend (of 9 months) and I just recently broke up. He was a great boyfriend but I had been confused about my feelings for him and our compatibility, I realised he never really stimulated me and I felt he loved me more than I loved him, therefore it wasn't working out.

The other boyfriend it appears you were still chasing your ex while together and left a scar in the relationship

 

I met my current bf while I was still fighting for my ex

You say

 

a man should have patience for a woman to open her heart to him

Sweetheart, it don't work that way. You can just stomp on some guys feeling and heart and expect that a guy still must summit to you whenever you decide your good and ready.

[Chilli]

Somehow l don't think it's about her happiness but more about how miserable "he"ll be trying to keep her happy too.

[alphamale]

Quit giving away our secrets, bro. I'd hate to have to confiscate your man card.

indeed, i'll be more careful next time

[Overtaxed]

I thought I was doing this with my W (letting her go because I wasn't making her happy). And I would have done it. Turns out, what she really wanted was for me to fight for her. So be careful here, sometimes a man "letting go" is because he's getting signs from his GF/W that is what they want, NOT what he wants at all.