New here. Need a friendly ear

[Carrie1001]

Hi. I'm new to this group. Recently my hubby told me about an affair he just got out of. Lasted 6 or 8 weeks. Had sex 6 or 8 times. She dumped him after finding out he wasn't as separated as he led her to believe. I am beyond crushed. We have been married for 24 years . He said that now she has made him realise how unhappy he is with me.

 

But he has also said he wants to teybti work it out. Made lots of promises etc to me. Few of which is actually keeping . We are looking into therapy now. He thinks he has so much in common with the OW. ....similiar names, same birthday and hate of spicy foods, he even said they're both sociopaths. And thinks they make a good pair lol. I'm just lost.

 

He has been slowly sharing details of the affair which I want to know but it killa me too. I just don't know what to do. I want to separate but kids etc it's so hard. Bit I can't forgive what he has done. She was in our truck, they had sex in the backseat ....he even left a gift of panties she gave him in there.

 

Took him almost 2 weeks for him to throw them out .the worst part is, I'm finding myself begging him to take me back and work on things....why am undoing this ????? I'm on my best behaviour and he keeps saying he WANTS to be sorry...but he sort of really isn't sorry. He's more sad he wasn't honest with HER, making her dump him . I feel like such a loser for feeling so bad.

Edited August 23, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Carrie1001]

Sorry for all the typos......crying and typing don't mix.

[MissG]

Sounds like he came clean to you, because he wants out of the M. Most cheaters, after the A is over and there hasn't been a DDay, would keep their mouths shut and try to repair the damage that the BS isn't aware of. He got dumped by the AP, and he seems to be suffering because of this, not so much because of what he did to you, your M and your kids/family.

 

I don't want to be Debbie Downer, but I don't think, after reading your OP, that he's NOT placing much priority onto the M. I don't know why he has confessed. Maybe he wants your approval regarding a divorce?

Edited August 15, 2017 by MissG

[somanymistakes]

It kind of sounds like he's trying to challenge her, in order to make her do more of what he wants. "See? I can have an affair. I can leave. Other women are better. You'd better step up your game if you want to keep me." It's a control thing.

[usa1ah]

Come here and vent all you want.

 

It will take a few weeks to calm down so you can start to plan what you want to do.

 

If you haven't done so, you need to let your family and your close friends know about this. You need that support.

 

Sorry you are here.

[40somethingGuy]

Given kids are involved (not sure how old) it sounds like he is hoping you actually initiate the D. That is why, I think, he told you but really didn't show much (or any) remorse regarding what he did to you. You file and get to be the bad guy despite his actions causing the problem. Begging for him to come back will only push him away further but really I would be more concerned about your self esteem in essentially tolerating this. The M is forever going to be different. You may eventually resent being so open to R. I'd take his money and tell him to get lost.

[stillafool]

Stop the crying and begging whatever you do. It will make you look weak and will fall on deaf ears. The best thing for you to do is to tell him he is free and please go to her. Close the door on him, turn and walk away. This is your only chance of getting him to WANT YOU back. If you beg him to stay he may stay while pinning over the OW and viewing you as the ball and chain around his neck that is keeping him from her. So don't be that person, just let him go. It will only work if he decides he made a mistake, really loves you and will do the work to get you back.

[BaileyB]

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I hope you are seeking some support for yourself after you calm from the shock of the news - get some individual counseling if possible.

 

I can't imagine anything worse than a husband who cheats and shows no remorse. If he thinking that similar names and liking spicy foods means they have more in common - more in common than a relationship of 24 years during which you have built a life and had children together - he is in his own selfish and delusional world.

 

He is being very disrespectful to you and your children. I know it's hard and it's very complicated, but when the dust settles the question you should be asking yourself is why you would take him back...

 

Best wishes. Keep posting. There is support for you here.

[Poutrew]

It is time to stop playing this game by his rules. You need to stop the crying and show him how to play another game, called Dump the Chump. Get a good divorce attorney, and take him for all that you possibly can. Once he realizes how much he stands to loose in the D, he will all of a sudden have a 'come to Jesus ' moment, but don't let it fool you. It will be all about he money. Stay focused, and free yourself of this cheating bag of shyt... once you are free, you can find someone honest to share your life with. Good luck...

[LivingWaterPlease]

I am so sorry for what you're going through. I have been through similar.

 

Look up the 180 and follow through. Unfortunately I didn't but wish I had and if I had it to do over again I definitely would.

 

If you and your H don't make it the 180 will help you begin to heal and move on. But chances are it will wake him up to what he's losing.

 

Don't beg him to work on the M anymore. Save your crying for when he's not around. If you can possibly function well enough to get some new clothes in a different style than you usually wear and change your hairstyle, do it. And make yourself scarce from him. See an attorney to learn your rights. Tell your family what he's done. Move on with your life. Chances are it will cause him to come back to you but even if it doesn't you'll still be ahead.

[Mr Blunt]

I'm finding myself begging him to take me back and work on things....why am undoing this ?????

 

Because you are shell shocked!...Realize that you are needy and emotionally weak because he has tortured you with devastating rejection that hits you at the heart of your self-esteem…Know that you compromising and begging is the worst thing you can do. You need to take your pain, find a way to reduce the pain, and tell him that you are going to get help to heal then you are going to look for a replacement to him. Tell him that he is cruel and a betrayer and that he is not to contact you at any time…

 

This will be very hard for you and that is why I said get all the help that you can. Compromising and staying with this man will ruin your life and make you into a door mat…You can do a whole lot better than this man but you have to believe that and make a plan to build yourself up.

Do not try to find reasons for you to stay with this man as he has treated you like a dirty dish rag and you should be very angry and motivated to get to work on your plan to get rid of him and get a LOT better.

Thousands of women have got through this type thing and came out a LOT better in time.

[jenkins95]

Stop the crying and begging whatever you do. It will make you look weak and will fall on deaf ears. The best thing for you to do is to tell him he is free and please go to her. Close the door on him, turn and walk away. This is your only chance of getting him to WANT YOU back. If you beg him to stay he may stay while pinning over the OW and viewing you as the ball and chain around his neck that is keeping him from her. So don't be that person, just let him go. It will only work if he decides he made a mistake, really loves you and will do the work to get you back.

 

Amen to this.

 

I was a cheater once, and I was a little like your H just after D-day. At first my wife played the "pick me" dance and seemed desperate. I have to be honest and say that this made me see her as weak and I lost respect for her. It also made the OW look more appealling.

 

When my wife got past the initial shock, she strengthened and got tough with me. One day when I was sitting around feeling sorry for myself, she reached her limit. Holding back tears and trying to hide her vulnerability (although I could see it just behind the surface), she told me categorically and with strength in her voice that if I didn't want THIS, that I needed to get out of the house right now and go to the OW. She wouldn't be second choice and she wouldn't stand in my way or make things difficult for me in a D. The effect on me was immediate. I could see that she had dug deep and was not going to be walked over any more. I suddenly saw just how close I was to blowing up my life and my family and losing my marriage. She also became a stronger, more impressive figure in my mind. I could no longer dictate the situation and take her for granted.

 

It was just what I needed. Genuine reconciliation and the serious hard work started that moment, whereas before I was ambivalent and felt sorry for myself. I got my head out of my a*s and recommitted to the M. I could finally see, objectively what a stupid, selfish, entitled, self-indulgent idiot I had been, caught up in a fantasy with a much younger woman - a classic, pathetic MLC affair.

 

Two years later, we are doing well. The first year after D-day is very tough and takes a huge amount of work, conversation and soul-searching. Indeed, reconciliation is a constant work in progress, forever as Mr and Mrs JA will often post, but it does get easier after a year or so of both partners giving 100% and putting the work in.

 

If you try this approach, there is of course a chance that he will take you up on your offer and walk out. But if that is the case, I think it is going to happen anyway at some point. If it is going to happen, better to "fast track" it and get on with the rest of your life. Don't allow him to be ambivalent for months taking his time to decide what HE wants - and then leaving you anyway. This is about YOU now. You are the one who has been cheated and betrayed. Do what's right for YOU and your family (how old are your kids?).

 

I wish you all the best (((Carrie))). It's awful that you find yourself in this situation. From a former wayward spouse who has had two years to reflect, recover, soul-search and reconcile, I'm deeply sorry that you have been hurt so much like this. I am ashamed that people like me do things like this to good people like you. On a positive note, I am evidence that this situation is not hopeless, but he has to get real VERY quickly and show you 100% that he wants the marriage to work.

 

Keep posting!

Edited August 16, 2017 by jenkins95

[somuchfortheone]

What he is going through is limerence...research Joe Beam and Marriage Helper.com - look at his articles and podcasts on limerence...it will help you understand what he's doing. I agree - the 180 is also a great resource.

[whichwayisup]

To even joke that he's a sociopath kind of shows who he is. plus, he's not really that sorry he hurt you, all this is about him and his needs.

 

Honestly ask yourself (before you found out about his affair) has he been a good husband to you? A best friend? A good father? Involved in family life? From what you've said he seems selfish and puts himself first above everybody else. He expects people to bend to his needs and not give.

 

Are you happy?

 

Don't let fear of what could happen if you two divorced prevent you from divorcing. Your kids will adjust and survive. With the help of family counseling, lots of support and love from extended family and friends you all can get through this.

 

your husband is done. Sorry but him confessing and not being that sorry about it is showing you he is. I know this hurts you to read, my worry though is (for you) that you'll hang onto him and allow him to walk all over you and still cheat on you in the future.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Your husband has expressed no sorrow, no regret.

He is still talking about the wonderful attributes of a woman who dumped him and is continuing to blame you for his affair.

 

He is telling you he wants to fix it... but notice .. he did not say anything about fixing himself.

 

He is the one who lied.. not only to you but to her... he is the one who chose to cheat. Regardless of your relationship and all the things that were wrong.. he is responsible for the infidelity.

 

You never mentioned that he has asked you what you want... or what you need.. or how he can help you.

 

You cannot fix a relationship by yourself... no matter how bad you may want to. And honestly in your post... I am not hearing that he wants to save anything except himself.

 

Go see a lawyer... go get therapy... build a support system for yourself... put yourself as your number one priority because he certainly isn't going to do that for you.

[Carrie1001]

Thank you all for the sound advice. Most was hard to read , but I understand the truth is hard to hear. Deep down I know what I have to do. If I don't do it now I never will and I will be back in this position in no time at all.

[BluesPower]

Thank you all for the sound advice. Most was hard to read , but I understand the truth is hard to hear. Deep down I know what I have to do. If I don't do it now I never will and I will be back in this position in no time at all.

 

Listen...

 

First off, it is not as scary as it sounds once you start the process. It is a drag but it is not as bad as it seems at first.

 

Second, there is a small possibility that it may wake him up and he may want to be a husband again. If he does not, ok, if he does you will be in the drivers seat like you should be.

[jigwig]

Just "DO IT" NIKE... you get to the same place regardless if it is 1 year or 20.

[harrybrown]

Glad that you are stopping the pick me dance.

 

He has not written a timeline of the A for you.

 

 

He may still be in contact with the OW.

 

You have been given great advice to see your attorney.

 

How would he like it if you had an A?

 

I am not suggesting that you do that, but that would help him to be more understanding of your pain.

 

So sorry.

 

be sure to read about the 180 and start doing that right away.

 

would he move out during the D? get the source of your pain far away.

[anika99]

Oh they have the same birthday and they both dislike spicy food? Well my heavens, they are true soul mates aren't they? Their love is fated by the universe. Puhleeze! Your husband is in lala land. His head is up his butt and the best thing you can do is kick him out and give him a taste of reality. He is so full of himself right. Oh woe is him, having to sacrafice this greatest love of all time (built on lies and deceit) for the sake of his pitiful needy wife who just won't let him go. He's selfish and deluded. Don't put up with another minute of this blatant disrespect. Go find his suitcases and tell him to get packing.

[Mr Blunt]

Deep down I know what I have to do. If I don't do it now I never will and I will be back in this position in no time at all.

 

Carrie, what can we do to help you take the action you know you need to take?...You are a valuable woman and need to save yourself from this man that will ruin your life if you stay with him…I know it will be very hard for you to resist compromising so that you can avoid the tough actions that is needed…If you follow through you will be so much better without him damaging or crushing your self-esteem.

 

Now that Carrie has seen the light, we here at TAM need to give her any encouragement and help that we can… Carrie thousands of women have left an extremely abusing man and has become a LOT better.

SO CAN YOU!

[merrmeade]

Thank you all for the sound advice. Most was hard to read , but I understand the truth is hard to hear. Deep down I know what I have to do. If I don't do it now I never will and I will be back in this position in no time at all.

I hope you do it. The advice to tell friends and family and get support around you is important. Do that first. Then, speak to an attorney. You're not able to stand up for yourself right now, so try to find the right people to help you do it.

 

I understand the point that others are making - that your husband might realize his folly if he saw you're not going to take it. But could you really make a comeback after the things he's said and done, after such callousness?

 

His remarks have been singularly cruel and hurtful, but the one about their both being sociopaths is the most alarming. If he can make a joke about being irredeemably self-centered and play with your feelings so casually, I see little hope of a turn-around. It would take some deep, convincing penitence to make up for what he's already done. And even if he did, how will you feel about it later?

 

I hope you can walk away soon and start picking yourself up. I'm so sorry that you've been devastated this way.

[pheonixrisen]

Is he 14 ...if only similar names and love for spicy food could create successful relationships:cool:

 

You are looking at a repeated cycle of this behaviour if you refuse to act now if a spouse is unrepentant with no consequences for his wrong action ...he will repeat this is a simple fact .

 

If after 24 years you are not enough his children are not enough .put him outside the door get support you need it and let him destroy his life alone no need to jump of the cliff after him.

 

Don't be hard on your self a shift will come most bs are in survival mode esp when children are involved when affairs have dday.

 

He wants to stay to work it out shows no remorse what else will he do but to work it out .Till till someone else shows him interest.

 

Get a lawyer and file and watch him .if he is not fighting let him go .life is short no need to spend it with someone who treats you with this much disrespect .inform your family and get support .

[Mrs. John Adams]

Carrie....

 

I dont really know much about ending a marriage...and i know when i thpught divorce might be my fate...how frightened i was...the thoughts of being alone and raising children...and sleeping alone ....was sometimes overwhelming.

 

SO I know you are afraid and sad....and there are plenty of good folks here who can walk you through all the things you need to do.

 

I am a firm beleiver in new beginnings and new starts....new opportunities. Get into therapy to help you deal with this...and i really think a support system is important. Family...friends...people you can talk to and cry on their shoulder. Dont try to get through this alone.

 

Here's the thing I really wanted to point out...I know you still love your husband...regardless of how ugly he has been....and while divorce seems so final....sometimes divorce is the answer to reconciliation.

 

There are several couples here...who divorced and remarried later. They worked on themselves..and were able to reconnect in their relationship.

 

Your husband needs a 2 by 4 to his head right now...you see...he is living in lalaland......and sometimes receiving divorce papers brings a real awakening when he has to face reality.

 

And if it doesn't bring him to his senses...what have you really lost? A man who no longer loves and respects you for who you are. There will be other men who do...but the main thing is that you love and respect yourself.

 

Loveshack can be a really great support system...i know we are strangers on a forum...but the folks around here do care.

 

Love yourself Carrie....

[understand50]

Carrie....

 

I am going to echo what many have said here. It takes both, and hard work on both sides to reconcile. At this time your husband does not look to want to put in the effort, or is so rapped up in himself, that wee cannot see what he is doing to you and his kids. Giving him a second chance is a gift, and you need to make sure he know what it is worth.

 

Remember, you are worth the effort of good and honest reconciliation. YOU, deserve all the hard work from him. The fact he is not able to give it, shows he is not ready, or willing to receive your "gift" of a second chance. If he was taking all the right steps and say all the right moves, he still would be very far from understanding just what he has done.

 

Divorcing, may be a hard step, but it will also show him you value yourself, and you are worth all the hard work need on his part to reconcile. Taking the first step is not the end of the world, and the whole process can be stopped, so you have room to work with. It does show you will not put up with this treatment. Hopefully it will hit him with reality.

 

I wish you luck.......