Ahurtgirl Posted August 17, 2017 Share Posted August 17, 2017 Having been the OW, your best chance is to tell him nicely to go to her. Men never want to be told what to do and will do the exact opposite. Be on your best behavior emotionally. Show no emotion. If he walks away, good. It will be not long before he comes back and realizes how much you mean to him. However, if you beg him to stay, cry, act crazy, he will tell himself that leaving to be with the OW is the right decision. Keep cool and wait. It might take a couple months, maybe a year, but if you let him leave on good terms, he'll more than likely decide to stay. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted August 17, 2017 Share Posted August 17, 2017 Yeah... not so much Giving someone permission will likely backfire on you. Handing him divorce papers will send a message loud and clear. Look... you want a man who wants to fight for you... one who respects and loves you just the way you are. If he doesn't.. there is not a damn thing you can do to make him. Words mean nothing ... it is actions that tells you what he really thinks and feels. Oh honey you go on and go to your other woman ... I will be waiting for you if you change your mind! Well alrighty.. I will do just that Yeah... over my dead body 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted August 17, 2017 Share Posted August 17, 2017 I'm on my best behaviour and he keeps saying he WANTS to be sorry...but he sort of really isn't sorry. He's more sad he wasn't honest with HER, making her dump him . I feel like such a loser for feeling so bad. He should be on his best behavior. You should see an attorney to find out your options. It doesn't sound like he wants to be married to you. You are not a loser. He is the loser. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 17, 2017 Share Posted August 17, 2017 (edited) Having been the OW, your best chance is to tell him nicely to go to her. Men never want to be told what to do and will do the exact opposite. Be on your best behavior emotionally. Show no emotion. If he walks away, good. It will be not long before he comes back and realizes how much you mean to him. Yeah, not so much... You should not be on your best behavior. He should be on his best behavior. He should be apologizing, telling you that he has seen the error of his ways, and doing what he needs to do for you to take him back. The fact that he isn't doing that - that is your problem. And that's why many people are suggesting that you seriously consider walking away. Reverse psychology may work on a toddler, but most grown men will recognize manipulation when they see it and make their decisions accordingly. What this man needs is a real consequence to his behavior - if you decide to sleep with another woman, you are not coming home anymore to sleep with me! Edited August 17, 2017 by BaileyB 5 Link to post Share on other sites
alsudduth Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 Having been the OW, your best chance is to tell him nicely to go to her. Men never want to be told what to do and will do the exact opposite. Be on your best behavior emotionally. Show no emotion. If he walks away, good. It will be not long before he comes back and realizes how much you mean to him. However, if you beg him to stay, cry, act crazy, he will tell himself that leaving to be with the OW is the right decision. Keep cool and wait. It might take a couple months, maybe a year, but if you let him leave on good terms, he'll more than likely decide to stay. I think what AHG is trying to say, and is having a hard time with, is to read up on the 180. It's usually advice given to Men, however the idea is to work on you, show no emotion, show that you will be just fine without your H. To show him that you don't NEED him, you WANTED him, and that he ruined it. And if he wants you to want him again, then HE has to do the hard lifting to get that back. Because at the end of the day OP, you don't need him. As hard as that is to hear. You will be just fine without him, better probably. Especially if he has no desire to show remorse. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 "He has been slowly sharing details of the affair which I want to know but it killa me too" that is not very promising. He is still in the fog of the affair. It is good that he confessed to you. But realize if she called him up right now, he would probably be over there in a flash....since he still "loves" her. It will take MONTHS for that feeling in him fades. Do not expect anything very serious until then. For now, you MUST demand a written full timeline of the affair. all the gory details. If you do not get that, you might be haunted not knowing the rest of your life. You need it written by him, so if the story changes in the future, you will know. After that....marriage counselling IF you think the marriage is worth saving. 20 years is a lot of effort...it probably IS worth saving. He also needs to give you full access to his computer, phone, any accounts he uses....all the passwords. You need to CHECK on him. Also, ask him WHY he felt sexually why he needed to find this other woman? What it was he was embarrassed to ask you to do for him? Maybe he has a higher libido than you do, and he tried to get you interested in kinkier sex, but you blew him off. That would be part of the equation of if you want to keep the marriage going....knowing what his true sexual needs are and if you are willing to fulfill them, no matter how kinky they are Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted August 25, 2017 Share Posted August 25, 2017 I don't see the point of a time line. He's confessed, he's not sorry and Carrie is letting him dictate what goes on. My response would be telling him you are now separated and you'd be happy to let the unwitting OW know that this really is the case now and she is free to pursue a relationship with him. The thing is, I don't thing she wants him as he's proven himself to be a liar. So he's with you as a fallback option. Don't be an option and tell him divorce can be quick as he's admitted infidelity. The OW bears no blame in this case. If you let a man treat you like crap.... He'll think your undenying love entitles him to mess you around. Dig deep and find the strength to declare it over. It doesn't mean he moves out immediately, but start planning for a future without him and let him know you don't want to hold him back from being with his soul mate. Link to post Share on other sites
TennisGal Posted August 25, 2017 Share Posted August 25, 2017 Carrie, I am sorry you are going through this hell. So he described himself and his OW as both being sociopaths. If he truly is a sociopath, as he believes, then he is without conscience and without remorse. Why would you want to continue a relationship with such a person? I am sorry to say that all the signs point to practically zero chance of recovery -- his lack of remorse, his idealizing the OW (a shared love of spicy food--how deep!), that the relationship with OW is only over because she dumped him, and his self-admitted personality disorder. There is nothing like putting one foot in front of the other to remedy the fear of the unknown. Kick his sorry butt out of the house, slap him with divorce papers, insist all contact be through attorneys, and be sure you get all you are legitimately entitled to. At 24 years of marriage, I'm guessing your children are teens? Sorry if I missed that. Link to post Share on other sites
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