Separated, question about the cause

[Dantana]

My wife and I separated August 4th. We've been married since April 2012, and have 3 kids together, 6 between us. I got sick May 2014, and was diagnosed with fibromyalgia/CFS in September 2014; she went to work, and I became a stay-at-home dad. By her words, I am a great dad and homemaker, but for the problems that have caused her to fall out of love with me, and want a divorce now. Briefly, we argued once or twice a year, and I began to make her feel pressured, not listened to and I'm guessing unloved because of my anxiety, aggression and forceful manner in trying to resolve them.

 

I was prescribed what was typical medication to manage my fibromyalgia, Lyrica, Neurotin and Elavil. Lyrica, specifically, was prescribed the first few months in 2014, but when we were forced onto Medicaid I had to switch to Neurotin. We have private insurance now, and I was put back on it Lyrica this April. Things descended rapidly after April, this summer was awful for us both, and I ended up suffering severe depression and attempting suicide end of July, overdosing on Elavil. In the hospital, it was the attending nurses that first made me aware that Lyrica posed a known risk for depression, anxiety, aggression, agitation, suicidal thoughts, basically all of the changes that had taken effect since I got sick. Until that day, we both assumed it was merely the fibro (or my lack of ability to emotionally handle it). They gave me reams of data on all the drugs I was taking, and it was pretty much conclusive when a prior suicidal episode was considered from the first time I was put on Lyrica.

 

 

I'm in counseling to help deal with all that's happened, and I've been taken off all medications being used to treat my fibromyalgia. Unfortunately, even with confirmation and medical records documenting the adverse reaction, it all came too late to assuage my wife. For the moment, she won't accept that the change in behavior was due to the meds, and if you ask, no, I have no history depression, suicide or aggression prior to this, nor was our marriage like this before.

 

 

So, my question isn't about saving my marriage; I've detoxed three weeks, but I did ALL the things you don't do to save your marriage up to the S.A. But I'm back to myself and doing things right now. While we are apart, I am looking at what went wrong, and improving myself and my happiness. I am taking stock of what I did to cause all of this, but I keep going back and forth between knowing I said things I said, and acted the way I acted AND the fact that I was a victim of the drugs I was on. How do I process/reconcile those two thoughts? I hurt my wife and I want to take responsibility for that, but at the same time I said and did things I would have never done not under the influence of my prescribed medications. Am I responsible? Just going to come out and ask it. Not to her, but to me, how should I see it? Sorry so long, but thank you.

Edited August 15, 2017 by Dantana
Grammar

[preraph]

I don't know how bad it got, but if you tried suicide, then that's pretty bad, right, especially with kids involved.

 

I hope you feel stabilized now and so sorry you are having so many problems. It's too much to have to deal with, but here you are.

 

Did you get violent with her or the kids? Because that is a reason to leave, even if it was the meds. Just can't take that chance. And wouldn't sleep good after that wondering.

 

If not, then my best suggestion is to see if the doctor who is monitoring your meds would set up an appointment with her or fill her in on the phone or write her a letter affirming that you are off the bad meds and not a threat to yourself or others.

 

It may be there were other stressors in the marriage before all this happened and that this just was the straw that broke the camel's back though, in which case it was coming down the road anyway.

 

As for you coping with all this, just do it a day or two at a time. Do not dwell on the future. Just overcome one obstacle and set the others aside until it's their time for your attention. You will overwhelm yourself trying to solve everything at once.

For now, highest priority is your mental health and physical health. Take care of those the best you can. Strictly obey doctor's orders on everything and especially pill taking. If anything else contributed to the drugs making you depressed, such as drinking with them, address that so that you don't have to worry about that again on other meds in the future. Work on your health and let her rest for awhile and let things settle down.

 

Don't be haranguing her or pestering her or she'll think you are still unstable. Be reasonable and cooperative. Tell her you're focused on your health for now. It's all you can reasonably do.

[Dantana]

No, no violence. It was more that I wore her down by things I said. I was adept at getting us through our problems the first two years, but I changed, and stopped saying that "we" or "I" should do whatever and eventually our talks focused more on me telling "her". I can't say this strongly enough, I was basically high for three years. I've never done that, I've never guilted or blamed others. Even now, off the meds, my thinking is more like myself.

 

I'm not doing "no contact", per se, but I don't need to contact her, she's texts me still, and if she's ready, we'll talk about our marriage later. This isn't to convince her, this is for me while I work on healing. How do I process it? How do I deal internally with things I'd never say, but ended up saying when I was medicated?

 

I have two warring thoughts, and I can't make peace with them.

 

 

I did it, and I hurt my wife.

 

 

I did it, but it wasn't "me" that did it.

Edited August 15, 2017 by Dantana
more info, grammar

[blessedby4]

A good relationship begins with good communication and that starts with good listening. Have you and your wife had the opportunity to listen to each other? Sometimes I hear my wife but I am not listening. Since your wife wants a divorce, it may be a good idea to find out what each others needs are. When my wife and I talk, I stop what I’m doing and look her right in the eyes. I do this so that I know and she knows that she has my complete undivided attention. Listening helps to begin the healing process.

[preraph]

Tell her what you said in that last part, that your biggest challenge is forgiving yourself and understanding what happened. If there is any danger of you getting high again that way, then you need to treat that. If not, be sure and tell her you will not be doing that. Take some time and let things settle down. Act as normal as possible with her -- and that means no hysteria or crying and begging, no anger, no overly mushiness. It means L E V E L out, no highs or lows. Show her you are on an even keel. Then see what happens. Show her you are not erratic, that you are solid and steady and do not TELL her that as much as just let her notice it.

 

The cause is a bad reaction to drugs. Different drugs affect people different ways. Many people do not take them as prescribed, taking less or more, and that is very dangerous. Or stopping entirely. If you stop some drugs suddenly, it can cause suicidal thoughts, and some drugs can just do that on some people anyway. So anytime you start taking something and you can tell you're changing, you call the doctor right away.

 

Not all drugs will do this to you. So don't be afraid to try other ones -- but only once you have told your doctor exactly what happened on those other ones so he knows.

Edited August 18, 2017 by preraph

[Just a Guy]

Hi Dantana, wouldn't you think that a prychiatrist would better be able to advise you about your dilemma? I mean, the well meaning folk here could give you their points of view but then all of them are lay people( unless there is a psychiatrist masquerading as a lay person on here but why would he/ she do that!) whereas a psychiatrist would have the right medical background to identify your problem and the root cause of it and be able to advise accordingly. Off the bat I can say that it was your meds doing all the bad behaviour just as we joke about the 'Whisky' talking when we ate drunk and indulge in loose talk. So if you are satisfied with that answer then so be it but if you really want an opinion that you can trust then a psychiatrist is the way to go. Warm wishes.