How to proceed?

[Jabeezley]

Thank you in advance for reading this and for responding, if you feel led.

I'm 40, DH is 40, and we have a 6 yo and 3 yo. We've been married 7 years and together 10. I met him after a suicide attempt and messy divorce from a sexually/emotionally abusive man. I am a nurse, he was a doctor. He was everything I thought I needed after my past. He was quiet, didn't talk much, was meek, socially awkward, and accepted everything I told him about my past without any questions. He didn't divulge any of his past or any issues. I assumed this meant he didn't have any, and how lucky was I that he accepted me so readily? We got pregnant right away, and I had a miscarriage early on. We conceived our now 6 year old the same year. He was born, and I stayed at home with him. He was a difficult child, had feeding aversion and was diagnosed young with autism, spd, and anxiety disorder. I got very little sleep for the first 3 years of his life. I also did the parenting alone. My husband admits he felt resentful of our son "taking my time." We had our second child when the first was 3. She's typical. My husband, until earlier this year, was accustomed to me taking care of everything having to do with the household. This is my fault, as I didn't press the issue. He would leave dirty clothing strewn around, dishes at his place at the table, etc., and I cleaned up after him. I did this for 7 years, and grew to see him as another child. Somewhere around 4 years ago, I felt my interest in spending time with him waning. He also seemed to have, overnight after we got married, developed a tic disorder. He very very loudly clears his throat, coughs, sniffs air in and out of his nose, and makes guttural sounds. I noticed this affecting my sleep, and would lay awake at night, feeling angry that after getting my young children to sleep, I was still unable to sleep because of this sound. This lack of interest has progressed now to I don't like being around him. We no longer have anything in common, aside from our children. I am pursuing a freelance writing career, as my son's condition requires a parent to be available for emergencies at school. We only talked about work during our courtship and dating. We have no other shared interests. He also has no friends, and doesn't want to make any. He finds he identifies a lot with our autistic son, and questions if he might have autistic tendencies. I am a social creature. I need to be around people. It's life-giving to me. So where I am now is- I've talked to him about needing him to step up as a partner and father, and he's doing this to the best of his ability. But that's not enough. I'm repulsed by his touch. I spend all day feeling like I'm not being fair to him, because he deserves someone who loves him and appreciates him as he is. I want to provide my children with a two parent home, but this is destroying my mental health the way things are now. I don't know if it's possible to stay married when one person feels this way. Nothing I find online for a resource or support seems to take into account what one should do when they feel physically ill when having to touch or kiss their spouse. I don't love him like I should, but I can't make myself feel differently, can I? I feel trapped and hopeless, like a caged animal. I'm willing to do what's. best for my kids, but what if this destroys my sanity in the meantime?

[Mrs. Miserable]

I understand completely. I also have a child with special needs. Our 16 yo son has CP. he's very high functioning and can walk, goes to regular school, smart, verbal, etc, but he still has limitations. Early in his life, he required lots of extra time and attention. I was a SAHM the first 10 yrs of his life. I,too, did most (all) the child care. Fast forward 16 yrs... I am not in love w my dh. I do t want to go anywhere, do anything, or be touched by him. I'm finished. I have contacted an attorney and have the paperwork signed to file. I just lack completing the last step- telling him I filed. I dread it, but it's only fair to both of us.

[VeganButEatMyMeat]

My story is identical to yours (minus the 7yr old and tick.. that I'm aware of at least) however... I'm the husband. Our boy at the time was 3yrs old and is autistic, even a suicide attempt by her (I know yours was before, just another similarity).

 

She called me socially awkward, wanted me to "do more". Playing amateur psychologist: the more I did the more she despised me.. it didn't change the way she felt about me. She couldn't/didn't love me anymore and the more I did the more it reaffirmed that I wasn't the one for her.

 

My advice is stop wasting his time and yours, tell him it's over, and like adults start working on an exit strategy with the kids/finances/etc. Your negative feelings towards him started 4yrs ago and have only gotten worse.

 

I am happier now not living in a household where I'm constantly walking on eggshells trying to please/convince someone that I'm good enough. Your husband will be fine like I am and the kids will be fine too.

[Muffet]

I understand what you mean about not wanting to be touched by your DH. I experienced that with mine, and I know it's because I had lost respect for him. Unlike your DH who at least makes a decent living which enables you to stay home with the kids, mine couldn't keep a job. I had always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom while the kids were young, and my DH agreed before we were married, but it never happened. We divorced, and the divorce had a terrible effect on my children, especially my oldest. My DH and I didn't seek counseling, we just called it quits. Looking back, I wish we had tried, for the kids' sake at least.

 

All that to say, have you and you tried counseling to help you work through the things that you don't like about him, and then go together to counseling so that he can work on things, too? Maybe he doesn't realize how much you're hurting, or how serious the situation is. It's just a lot to throw away, and divorce can have such a bad effect on everyone, especially kids.

[MidlifeMama]

I know how difficult this must be for you. I hear you and your feelings are valid! I thnk you should start researching what it will look like to be apart. I mean financially and otherwise. Really take a look at how that will seem to you.

I also have no sexual feelings for my spouse and it's hell for both. He senses it of course, I have chnaged after years of trying to make something there that really never was. It's painful on so many levels and tiring trying to maintain status quo. Dig deep, look at your emotions and be honest with yourself. Make plans to move forward. Best of luck!