Should I contact my ex??

[Somedude99]

I had been going out with a girl for about 4 months, towards the end we mutually decided to break up and try dating other people for a while (I was against this). In the following week however she would call and say she missed me or things like I love you. Within that week we also met up and things got intimate. In my mind it felt like we were getting back together.

 

On that very same week she contacted asking if I was going out on the Saturday, but due to my parent's anniversary I wasn't able to. I said I would be free after but she said it was okay. The very next day she contacted again saying she missed me cuddling her and wanted to see me. I felt something wasnt right, so I ended up calling her that night and although she wouldn't say it became certain that she slept with someone that night.

 

I got upset and told her not to contact me anymore, but she did quite a few times over the course of the month trying to justify things. After the month we were both at a mutual beach party and she was all over me, which ended in us hooking up. It seemed good, but at her place I found out she had bought a box of condoms. This set me off a bit and to not act desperate told her this (hooking up) would not happen again.

 

The following days she would contact me, but then ignore me after a few texts or end with a one word answer. This happened once more and I decided to not contact her at all, and she seemed to do the same.

 

Its been about 3 weeks now and there hasn't been any contact between us. ****ty thing is I kind of miss her and seem to have trouble sleeping because of it. So should I message her? Should I wait till she messages me instead? Does she have someone else already? Is she possibly doing the No Contact in hopes of me messaging?

[isolatedgothic]

I am not sure what her motives might be, but she is playing games with you.

 

A person who values another person and wants a relationship with them does not act this way. Have you two ever talked about what you hope to get out of a relationship, besides just hook ups? Has she ever told you she wants anything more, like a forward moving relationship that leads to forever? Or have you always just kept it light and pretty much sexual?

 

It sounds to me as though your heart is already tied to hers, and if you continue down this path with her, you are not going to end up happy, but broken.

[Marc878]

You sound desperate. Why don't you go your own way like she did?

[dumbass2]

You said it was a mutual breakup when in fact it wasn't. It was her wanting to date and be with other men. Sure there will be times when she misses having you around when there is no one there to give her attention. As was mentioned, she is totally playing games with you because you tolerate it. She will continue to do so until you put a stop to it. She doesn't feel the same about you. From everything you have told us, it is best that you do not contact her again. It truly serves no purpose unless you want to be her puppet. Don't be so desperate that you will tolerate being an option for her. Be strong.

[d0nnivain]

You miss the good times & the companionship. You don't actually miss the woman who in essence dumped you & then jumped into bed with another guy because you were temporarily unavailable that particular night.

 

Wallow for another week or so. Don't call her.

 

Plan something fabulous for Labor Day. Forget all about her & go find a new girl who isn't quite so fickle or impatient.

[kortz]

She went off and slept with another guy, this tells you all you need to know about how much she really likes you. Have some self respect and move on and don't be her doormat. Next time you find yourself missing her or wanting to message her remind yourself of this fact.

[normal person]

So should I message her?

 

Simply put, no.

[preraph]

You don't trust her, so why get involved again? I mean, not that her being with a guy is cheating since you two are broken up anyway. But I can tell that even if you got back together, you will not trust her and will resent her being with another guy before.

[Space Ritual]

I had been going out with a girl for about 4 months, towards the end we mutually decided to break up and try dating other people for a while (I was against this). In the following week however she would call and say she missed me or things like I love you. Within that week we also met up and things got intimate. In my mind it felt like we were getting back together.

 

On that very same week she contacted asking if I was going out on the Saturday, but due to my parent's anniversary I wasn't able to. I said I would be free after but she said it was okay. The very next day she contacted again saying she missed me cuddling her and wanted to see me. I felt something wasnt right, so I ended up calling her that night and although she wouldn't say it became certain that she slept with someone that night.

 

I got upset and told her not to contact me anymore, but she did quite a few times over the course of the month trying to justify things. After the month we were both at a mutual beach party and she was all over me, which ended in us hooking up. It seemed good, but at her place I found out she had bought a box of condoms. This set me off a bit and to not act desperate told her this (hooking up) would not happen again.

 

The following days she would contact me, but then ignore me after a few texts or end with a one word answer. This happened once more and I decided to not contact her at all, and she seemed to do the same.

 

Its been about 3 weeks now and there hasn't been any contact between us. ****ty thing is I kind of miss her and seem to have trouble sleeping because of it. So should I message her? Should I wait till she messages me instead? Does she have someone else already? Is she possibly doing the No Contact in hopes of me messaging?

 

Her choice to want to see other people

Her choice to bang somebody else

Her choice to run hot or cold with you and keep you on the hook so to speak

 

All her choice.

 

It's as good as it was gonna get after 4 months. Detach and allow her to soak in the consequences of her choices.

[Been]

Without trust you have nothing. And she's already shown you how fast she can replace you.

So even if for some reason you got back together you think your going to trust her?You won't. You'll always wonder about of she's going to dump you again. Or who she's talking to.

Don't waste your time with that. It will drain you both physically and mentally. By the time you decide to move on or more likely she does you won't know who you are anymore. Just move on. Better things will come.

[Somedude99]

I am not sure what her motives might be, but she is playing games with you.

 

A person who values another person and wants a relationship with them does not act this way. Have you two ever talked about what you hope to get out of a relationship, besides just hook ups? Has she ever told you she wants anything more, like a forward moving relationship that leads to forever? Or have you always just kept it light and pretty much sexual?

 

It sounds to me as though your heart is already tied to hers, and if you continue down this path with her, you are not going to end up happy, but broken.

 

Yea we did, at the start we were casual, but then she would say she loved me and about travelling together. We eventually became exclusive and it was going well, but the break up happened and it was more a break from the exclusivity. Although I still cared about her, I would have been fine with it until she would things like she missed and loved me, and that our connection was so strong compared to anyone else she met. So the reason I still miss her is because the end (sleeping with another guy) happened when I still had a high level of interest for her. I know I shouldn't call, but I just feel bad that I may have handled her attempts to reconcile a little harshly since at the time I was still affected by what i saw as a betrayal and it was fresh in my mind.

[Somedude99]

Thanks everyone for the advice, I know it does sound desperate, but the times we did share were great and we seemed compatiable in a lot of areas (intimacy, personality, interests), but its true, for her to replace me so easily despite her apologies proves she doesnt feel the same.

 

Part of the reason I also was asking if I should contact her is to possibly make things a bit better than how we left off. An additional part to this story is that in a few weeks we both are travelling with a mutual group (they don't know we were together). So we'll be in a vacation spot together after having no contact between us. So would contacting help avoid any awkward situation before hand or should I just deal with it calmly then and there by acting normally around her?

[Space Ritual]

You should bow out. Your healing will be set back to zero if you do this travelling.

 

Money is money...you can always make ore of that. Having peace of mind and not being set back to square one by being in proximity to her is worth a lot more than that.

 

If you go on the trip, any advice you have thus far received will be pointless

[Lynnesmith9898]

Without trust you have nothing. And she's already shown you how fast she can replace you.

So even if for some reason you got back together you think your going to trust her?You won't. You'll always wonder about of she's going to dump you again. Or who she's talking to.

Don't waste your time with that. It will drain you both physically and mentally. By the time you decide to move on or more likely she does you won't know who you are anymore. Just move on. Better things will come.

 

This is spot on and the best advice I've read today.

 

I'm living this right now where I've lost all the trust from someone who was the most important person in my life for over a decade. When the trust is gone, so is any chance of a future with this person.

 

It's not a healthy way to live when you are with someone who you constantly wonder is going to be "confused" or run to someone else. It takes away all your strength and happiness.

 

As hard as it is to lose someone we love and care about, it's harder to live with them when they constantly make us feel awful and sad. It's no way to live.

 

There is someone out there for all of us who is going to be the right person. Someone who loves us and treats us right. I think it's worth being alone and meeting the right person than feeling alone and being with the wrong person.

[elaine567]

Part of the reason I also was asking if I should contact her is to possibly make things a bit better than how we left off. An additional part to this story is that in a few weeks we both are travelling with a mutual group (they don't know we were together). So we'll be in a vacation spot together after having no contact between us. So would contacting help avoid any awkward situation before hand or should I just deal with it calmly then and there by acting normally around her?

 

Awkward...

Can you get out of it?

Are you capable of enjoying this vacation especially if she ends up with some other guy?

[Somedude99]

Awkward...

Can you get out of it?

Are you capable of enjoying this vacation especially if she ends up with some other guy?

 

Cancelling isnt possible at the moment unfortunately since it's so close to the date, plus I already committed and don't want to affect the group's discount. I guess I've gotten better over the past few weeks of not contacting so i think I can be civil. Also thanks to everyone's advice I now kinda see her for who she is, plus i already know she's been with someone and assuming others the past few weeks so I should be alright if it were to happen on the trip. Just wanted to know what the best way to handle things amicably would have been.