Heightened sense of paranoia or something is happening

[pheonixrisen]

I am not sure what I am looking for here .

Just wanted to put my thoughts down .

 

5 years in reconciliation

 

currently my state of mind is conflicted with our situation .and I am contemplating ending my marriage.

 

Last 2 days I spoken at great lengths to my h about this .And told him where I am at .

He said he does not want a divorce

He said he has been doing and will do everything to save our marriage

He said I have hurt you and I understand your thoughts and feeling but to let him prove to me that he is committed to our family .

He asked to not give up on him .and not to leave him

 

This is the current situation

Ow found us a year ago through our business .

It's been a nightmare for me .

The thing that bothers me and has me paranoid (heightened paranoi)is thier is a pattern to her msgs from a year ago .

It went from declaring her love and what she wants to do to him /to downright desperacy of wanting him to even respond /And then a shift in the msg to intending as though something was going on

 

For eg

Initially her msg was love declaration in the beginning which then shifted to why won't you respond don't I deserve atleast some nice words where is your happiness .to how she is depressed and then there was a sudden shift to naked pictures to when she is finishing work etc...

 

He showed all of it to me.i have put a VAR and found nothing on million occasion I have picked up his phone and found nothing .and I am tired of being the watch dog wondering if something is going on ..because thier is a line of contact open

She has our phone number plus our office address

 

If we change numbers we need to list it blocking her does not help she would get a new number which she has .

 

We have 2 options sell our business that would take about a year we are already setting up for selling .And 2nd option to go the legal route as he and her created some mess (i cannot discuss this as its currently an ongoing legal matter)we approached lawyers and they informed us a time period of approximately 4 months and to handle the situation with kids gloves and I am not sure I can last that long and I am angry now my /ours hard earned money is going towards thier mess

 

Till then I feel I am in a limbo . We are watching video on his phone her msgs come in. We are sitting in restaurant for dinner she is xalling on his phone it feels like non stop ...to me It feels like Dday every time it happens .

 

She is aware I read all her msgs she is aware he shows me ..as I have msged her back on 3 occasion

 

I feel mentally I just want to pick up my daughter and run in the other direction away from all of this

That's not physical I would not do this .

 

During our conversation I told him I do not want to be cheated on do not want to be betrayed.if his thoughts and action are in that directionthen I would want him to tell me I will set him free amicably because we have a child I would want us to maintain a amicable relationship for her.

 

 

Based on the changed of pattern of her msgs

I gave him an out told him if he feels for or love the ow then he must leave (period) i dont want him here he does not need to stay for our child as we will share her custody .But don't betray his family to let us leave with out dignity intact instead of breaking his own family apart slowly .I told him I will share custody plus would not fight the divorce in any manner .

 

He said he is not in marriage for our child he is aware of custody can be shared he said he is married to me for me because he loves is in love with me he said I am not giving him anything right now (which is true I have closed my self off to him physically and emotionally)

 

But he understands he hurt me and understands the current situation is hurting me and he wants to prove to me that he is committed to me but he is fighting for me he is staying for me .he said if he felt love for the ow or felt anything he would have already left

 

My conversation with him is based on hypothetical as I have not found anything and he said to not give up on him he did not realise the change in pattern of her msgs he says she is trying to imply to cause problems between us.

 

I am not sure and truth be told I don't even want to be in this situation anymore and yet a decision like this I don't want to take lightly as our daughter is involved and I don't want to make a selfish decision .it's so surreal now I feel like the 4th person looking at it from the outside and I can't believe this is my life

 

The ow does not worry me ...at this point I am okay if he wants to end up with her .my mindset is more of if something is happening let's get the ball rolling and end the misery for everyone .

 

I just don't want that he goes behind my back .I know he is capable as he already did 5 /6 years ago I understand it's a slippery slope with an open line of communication it would be easy to slip back ...i know it's quite a ego boost when a woman loves you in an unconditional and unhealthy manner

 

Till i take a step in any direction i feel stuck in a limbo like it's Dday every day I dont know if it's heightened sense of paranoi or something is really happening.

[aileD]

Don't let her ruin your life or your marriage.

 

She needs to be dealt with legally. She is harassing your husband. If he hasn't already told her to stop, he needs to and it need to be firm and with the indication that if she contacts him one more time, he will file harassment charges and he needs to be willing to follow through on that. And if he's not then I would just leave him. Thst would be my indication something is amiss.

 

Why can't he get a new cell phone number, it doesn't need to be listed if it's his private phone. If she contacts him at the business it's more evidence for harassment

 

Stop being stuck on "can't". Yes you can.

Edited August 17, 2017 by aileD

[d0nnivain]

It sounds like your husband is trying. Yes, her behavior is unsettling. If there are already lawyers involved, I don't understand why it would take 4 months to make her behavior stop. At the very least, your lawyer needs to write a cease & desist letter to her lawyer.

[WilyWill]

Block her, right? Block her on every phone that allows you to. Filter emails so that they go to the trash. Get a no-contact order from a judge. Have the attorneys send a threatening letter once the "kid gloves" period has expired.

 

BTW, who told you that you had to handle her with kid gloves? Did you hear it from the attorney directly, or was this your husband's version of a conversation with the attorney?

[aileD]

If you already have a lawyer handling something legal with her then ask the lawyer to write up a cease and desist letter and have it sent certified to her.

[d0nnivain]

If you already have a lawyer handling something legal with her then ask the lawyer to write up a cease and desist letter and have it sent certified to her.

 

OP's lawyer cannot send things directly to this woman. The lawyer must communicate with the other lawyer.

[pheonixrisen]

Don't let her ruin your life or your marriage.

 

She needs to be dealt with legally. She is harassing your husband. If he hasn't already told her to stop, he needs to and it need to be firm and with the indication that if she contacts him one more time, he will file harassment charges and he needs to be willing to follow through on that. And if he's not then I would just leave him. Thst would be my indication something is amiss.

 

Why can't he get a new cell phone number, it doesn't need to be listed if it's his private phone. If she contacts him at the business it's more evidence for harassment

 

Stop being stuck on "can't". Yes you can.

 

Thanks for your response .

 

Cannot file a harassment case as infidelity is punishable by law in the country we live 3 to 5 years .she would go /he would go too prison as well no question asked .

 

He has already told her to stop .she knows we cannot do anything with filing a case for this matter as it would implicate not only her but him too

 

I will not have him go to prison .

 

Our numbers are required to be listed we are owners of a small company that took of in the last 2 years.

 

We are handling a legal(another) matter (his fault )with him and her involved till then But we need to handle it with kids GLOVES as if she says they were in a relationship both of them are in .no questioned asked .she would not do that either no body want to go to prison ...but don't want to take any chances here

 

I know the difference between can't and can .and he can get a new number and then he would need to list it we did that alrwady and we are back to square one as loads of people have his number it would be easy to get his and mine number from any number of people involved in our feild we have blocked her from all social media and app that we are on .

 

Even if this legal matter was not at hand .I would still have not filed a harassment case it would implicate my husband .

 

I do not live in Democracy it's not innocent until proven guilty ....where we live it's guilty until proven innocent and both are guilty .does not matter when it happened.

 

This is his fault from start to finish the only thing he now cannot control is her msging.but she has a legal matter over him that we are clearing .after this he will show her what stop means.till then she is solely focused on other things .He thinks may be this is not about wanting him at all but more to do with revenge of what he did to her .

 

But my post is not about the above as I have exhausted this discussion from every angle ...it was more putting my thoughts down to separate my self from the situation all together as I am tired.

[pheonixrisen]

It sounds like your husband is trying. Yes, her behavior is unsettling. If there are already lawyers involved, I don't understand why it would take 4 months to make her behavior stop. At the very least, your lawyer needs to write a cease & desist letter to her lawyer.

 

The case is not a case on her ...the lawyers are involved to free him of legal matter that she has on him.

[pheonixrisen]

Block her, right? Block her on every phone that allows you to. Filter emails so that they go to the trash. Get a no-contact order from a judge. Have the attorneys send a threatening letter once the "kid gloves" period has expired.

 

BTW, who told you that you had to handle her with kid gloves? Did you hear it from the attorney directly, or was this your husband's version of a conversation with the attorney?

 

Both together husband and lawyer.

 

The lawyer said that unless I am willing that he goes to prison too .to let them handle it.

 

My h said to give him time till this period and he will show her what it means when he says stop .

 

And he will prove to me what he means by he is only committed to me and our family .

 

This is so surreal even when you type it this whole mess is his fault.it make me so angry

[Just a Guy]

Hi Phoenix, sorry to see you in such an uncomfortable situation. Your husband seems to have been a prize chump to have put you in such an unsavoury position. I am sure he would have known of the consequences arising out of his infidelity even before he got fully involved with the OW. From the way you have written it appears that you are from one of the Middle Eastern nations. The laws there are obscurantist at best and infidelity is a crime worthy of stoning to death ( of a woman and I'm not sure whether men are also liable for the same punishment) but of course things may have changed and imprisonment may be the norm now. It also seems from the manner of your writing, that English is probably not your first language( Language of usage and choice). This leads me to believe that your ethnicity and therefore your religion may be native to the nation where you live.

 

In making my assessment of all these factors I have been trying to establish how straightforward or otherwise your situation may be and my conclusion is that it is very complicated. In these circumstances I can understand the paranoia that you are experiencing. You have been caught up in a situation not of your own making and where you are an unwitting victim of your husband's folly. To top it all your husband has created a further mess involving both him and the OW in a legal tangle. I should think that that would have been enough for any BS to throw in the hat and walk away head held high. You stuck it out, giving your wayward spouse a second chance only to have your generosity of spirit repaid by your husband's OW harassing you for an extended period. I do not know whether your husband has adequately made it up to you and displayed actual remorse or not. You would be the best judge of that. However, to me this harassment by the OW would be the proverbial last straw and considering the pins and needles feeling that you are having at the moment, your gut is crying out to you to do the same.

 

Having said that, it is now up to you to take a final call on the matter. I do not know whether your husband can do anything further to alleviate the situation for you but if he can, he must do so to the best of his ability. Then and only then will it be worthwhile for you to stay. In the mean time I can only empathize with you.

 

I have a question for you. Why will your business take a year to dispose off? If it is thriving then there should be no problem in getting buyers. Also, once it is sold what do you plan to do? Will you and your husband stay on where you are or move to a new location? Warm wishes.

[d0nnivain]

The case is not a case on her ...the lawyers are involved to free him of legal matter that she has on him.

 

 

So what? Get that lawyer to tell her to cease & desist anyway.

[Doorstopper]

Since you have no apparent legal avenues, the only thing you can really do is ignore her. Stop reading the messages. Her only goal is to screw with your life, and you are letting her do it. Block whatever you can, and have your husband delete everything as it comes. If, after 5 years, you do not trust him to do that, it may be time to move on. And under no circumstances should you respond to, or acknowledge, her.

 

To quote a line from a teen girls movie (I have 3 daughters): "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent."

 

 

I know it must be awful to deal with, but you won this battle, and she lost. She is simply a sore loser. Your only other alternative would be to find her another man, so she forgets about her husband, but that's probably not a good idea.

 

I wish you luck.

[pheonixrisen]

Hi Phoenix, sorry to see you in such an uncomfortable situation. Your husband seems to have been a prize chump to have put you in such an unsavoury position. I am sure he would have known of the consequences arising out of his infidelity even before he got fully involved with the OW. From the way you have written it appears that you are from one of the Middle Eastern nations. The laws there are obscurantist at best and infidelity is a crime worthy of stoning to death ( of a woman and I'm not sure whether men are also liable for the same punishment) but of course things may have changed and imprisonment may be the norm now. It also seems from the manner of your writing, that English is probably not your first language( Language of usage and choice). This leads me to believe that your ethnicity and therefore your religion may be native to the nation where you live.

 

In making my assessment of all these factors I have been trying to establish how straightforward or otherwise your situation may be and my conclusion is that it is very complicated. In these circumstances I can understand the paranoia that you are experiencing. You have been caught up in a situation not of your own making and where you are an unwitting victim of your husband's folly. To top it all your husband has created a further mess involving both him and the OW in a legal tangle. I should think that that would have been enough for any BS to throw in the hat and walk away head held high. You stuck it out, giving your wayward spouse a second chance only to have your generosity of spirit repaid by your husband's OW harassing you for an extended period. I do not know whether your husband has adequately made it up to you and displayed actual remorse or not. You would be the best judge of that. However, to me this harassment by the OW would be the proverbial last straw and considering the pins and needles feeling that you are having at the moment, your gut is crying out to you to do the same.

 

Having said that, it is now up to you to take a final call on the matter. I do not know whether your husband can do anything further to alleviate the situation for you but if he can, he must do so to the best of his ability. Then and only then will it be worthwhile for you to stay. In the mean time I can only empathize with you.

 

I have a question for you. Why will your business take a year to dispose off? If it is thriving then there should be no problem in getting buyers. Also, once it is sold what do you plan to do? Will you and your husband stay on where you are or move to a new location? Warm wishes.

 

Thank you for your response

You are correct on all count

 

I am not from this country but yes the religion is my own but I am not religious .

 

There is no more stoning here just prison sentence

It is the most advanced middle eastern country.

 

The business has picked up in yes we are doing good in very short time yes buyers have already approached us its young but we will wait till at its peak to sell to get the best offer I am not going to throw away my business in a hurry for this we worked hard for it .we will leave the country that was the original plan always even before this mess happened this was just a transit stop to make money before setteling but we require a capital start for home /business

to move to any country .we are a nuclear family unit with no help from any family

 

I am just tired .exhausted and I wish it did not exist so we can heal but it does exist.

 

I am taking timeout to think this through if leaving is the best solution .i have started to long for that freedom.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Phoenix,, thank you for your response to my post. I can understand your yearning to be free from all this unnecessary complication in your life. From what you have now written it is apparent that although the laws in your country are very strict they are not archaic. Also your country seem to be on a path of modernistic trends. In other words it is becoming more liberal in it's outlook and in it's social norms. This is good for you as you can expect a fairer resolution of your legal tangles than in a place where the laws are rigid and hark back to a more primitive era.

 

Having noted this I would say that you should tighten your belt and hang in there for a) your husband's legal entangle ment with his OW to be resolved and b) to let your business peak before selling it off. In the latter cade I would advise that both of you be circumspect and not be too ambitious as businesses can suddenly face a dry spell and values van bottom out very fast. Business sentiment is more fragile than fresh vegetables!

 

I do not know how your emotional relationship with your husband is currently( you have already said that there is no physical intimacy between you two). If you think there is a high probability of the two of you in reconciling fully in the future then your sacrifice till now may be well worth the while. If that possibility is dim then I guess you stick around till you sell the business share the sale proceeds and then move on separately with your lives. In your culture how easy or difficult is it for a divorced woman to remarry? Depending on the answer yo that question you should factor in that in your decision to separate. Warm wishes.

[whichwayisup]

It sounds like your husband is trying. Yes, her behavior is unsettling. If there are already lawyers involved, I don't understand why it would take 4 months to make her behavior stop. At the very least, your lawyer needs to write a cease & desist letter to her lawyer.

 

This!!

 

He is trying and honestly seems like he has no interest in picking up again with exOW. He is doing everything he can to make amends and is genuine about it. He also knows that if he cheats on you again a divorce will happen immediately so it's doubtful he's putting in all this effort only to cheat on you again.

 

Do get an RO on exOW, talk to a lawyer, get the cops involved if need be. Unwanted contact like this is harassment!

[pheonixrisen]

Since you have no apparent legal avenues, the only thing you can really do is ignore her. Stop reading the messages. Her only goal is to screw with your life, and you are letting her do it. Block whatever you can, and have your husband delete everything as it comes. If, after 5 years, you do not trust him to do that, it may be time to move on. And under no circumstances should you respond to, or acknowledge, her.

 

To quote a line from a teen girls movie (I have 3 daughters): "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent."

 

 

I know it must be awful to deal with, but you won this battle, and she lost. She is simply a sore loser. Your only other alternative would be to find her another man, so she forgets about her husband, but that's probably not a good idea.

 

I wish you luck.

 

I do not trust my h a 100 percent .And we are in reconciliation 5 years ..but I don't think I would ever trust him a 100 percent .ever we can build back but it will never be the same .it's the price I pay .

 

I do trust him a 100 percent with out daughter/ financially And any other areas .not this

 

I do not feel inferior to the ow I have never felt that not on Dday 5 years ago /following /her msgs etc...or if he were to decide to go in her direction even then i would not feel inferior to her or him.

I don't see my h as a prize to be won .I feel I am the prize he needs to win

I don't see this as a battle .no body won .we all lost but if it were to be then she was fighting a loosing one from get go .this whole situation is sad on its best day. Where 2 grown people behaved so irresponsibly and one is continually fighting for a no win situation 6 years later .at best i feel pity for her i dont know what it must feel like to have the love of your life within reach but not in your life .that can be so much pain too .But she is not allowing herself to move forward and there is nothing I can do there .

 

 

Since I missed on a 2 year affair I have had the need to know everything that much later developed in to paranoi what if I missed .if its again happening unde my nose and i would not know etc..etc..so i am.not worried about them getting together that would hurt deeply but i will live...i am more worried that i am not betrayed and find out much later that's why the need to leave this situation for good .I am leaning more towards this

[aileD]

You have a choice to make.

 

If you can't move past this then leave him.

 

Or chose to stick it out knowing it will probably get worse before it gets better.

[Doorstopper]

I do not trust my h a 100 percent .And we are in reconciliation 5 years ..but I don't think I would ever trust him a 100 percent .ever we can build back but it will never be the same .it's the price I pay .

 

I do trust him a 100 percent with out daughter/ financially And any other areas .not this

 

I do not feel inferior to the ow I have never felt that not on Dday 5 years ago /following /her msgs etc...or if he were to decide to go in her direction even then i would not feel inferior to her or him.

I don't see my h as a prize to be won .I feel I am the prize he needs to win

I don't see this as a battle .no body won .we all lost but if it were to be then she was fighting a loosing one from get go .this whole situation is sad on its best day. Where 2 grown people behaved so irresponsibly and one is continually fighting for a no win situation 6 years later .at best i feel pity for her i dont know what it must feel like to have the love of your life within reach but not in your life .that can be so much pain too .But she is not allowing herself to move forward and there is nothing I can do there .

 

 

Since I missed on a 2 year affair I have had the need to know everything that much later developed in to paranoi what if I missed .if its again happening unde my nose and i would not know etc..etc..so i am.not worried about them getting together that would hurt deeply but i will live...i am more worried that i am not betrayed and find out much later that's why the need to leave this situation for good .I am leaning more towards this

 

Inferior is a strong word, and I did not mean to imply that you are inferior. But you are letting her affect you.

 

Five years ago, this had something to do with your husband. Now its about an apparently crazy woman determined to destroy your marriage. I know he's ultimately responsible for it, but it is no longer in his control.

 

I e would argue that you should fight and ride it out, but realistically, if I was was happening to me, I might not take my own advice.

 

I wish you the best, what ever you decide.

[merrmeade]

Just one thing though:

 

If you throw in the towel, she wins. Her craziness, tantrums, stalking, trampling your privacy - all of it was successful: She ran you off.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Merrmeade, from what the OP has written I don't think it would be throwing in the towel if she were to leave her husband but more like dumping him. That would be more like getting rid of bad rubbish and if the OW is so desperate to have her rubbish she is welcome to it. I don't think in such a situation it would be much of a victory for the OW. How do they say it, A pyrrhic victory(?). Warm wishes.

[elaine567]

What has she actually won though?

Her husband was in an 18 month affair with a woman who it sounds like he conned financially and legally, and then left her in the lurch when his wife found out and he disappeared.

She finds him 4 years later and is now trying her best to mess up his life. Whether through "love" or "revenge" it is difficult to ascertain.

 

The OP is left in limbo, she wants to stand by her man but knows he is fundamentally not to be trusted.

She had no idea he was in an affair and even on hindsight there were no glaring clues, so where does that leave her?

It leaves her wondering and watching and being paranoid 24/7.

A great prize...

[pheonixrisen]

What has she actually won though?

Her husband was in an 18 month affair with a woman who it sounds like he conned financially and legally, and then left her in the lurch when his wife found out and he disappeared.

She finds him 4 years later and is now trying her best to mess up his life. Whether through "love" or "revenge" it is difficult to ascertain.

 

The OP is left in limbo, she wants to stand by her man but knows he is fundamentally not to be trusted.

She had no idea he was in an affair and even on hindsight there were no glaring clues, so where does that leave her?

It leaves her wondering and watching and being paranoid 24/7.

A great prize...

 

I don't want assumptions made based on some of the things I did not say .

So this is the truth about the situation without getting into details as its currently an ongoing legal matter

 

Did he use her

Yes

 

Financial conning

No .its not even close

 

If I would not have found out would this be a legal matter

No .

 

Did she know exactly what he was doing when she involved her self in the business

Yes (businesswise) and

no (affair front )

 

It's a legal matter

yes.

 

The ow loves my h period .He is the love of her life .if there is revenge it would be in my direction not his .she does not see any fault with what he did .

Not even close she believes till this day he is in an unhappy marriage .that's it and would prefer he leaves for her.any matter with lawyers has taken a backseat for her that's not a priority for her because as long as it exist she has a connection with him.

[pheonixrisen]

Thank you for all your post it helped see things from different perspective .

 

We discussed last night about this .

And I will ride it out till the matter is handled legally and for after that we have discussed how to remove the situation and the ow out of our lives completely .so we can begin to heal again .

 

You can plan thus far ...what actually happens is Destiny.

Hopefully I can provide a positive update past December.

[Just a Guy]

Hi delmetyth, is an English translation available? Would be good otherwise your effort would be wasted. Warm wishes.

[Doorstopper]

I'm pretty sure that's SPAM. 14 almost identical copies of that mess got posted in about 20 min last night. I reported it.