Guinevere04 Posted August 10, 2005 Share Posted August 10, 2005 My 3 year old son and I were sitting in chic-fil-a eating lunch yesterday and here comes the brown truck. My husband was delivering there and saw us and came over to our table. He slid in the booth and started talking to us like we were one big, happy family. We will have been apart a year Sept 26. I haven't seen him face to face since April. We haven't had a kind phone call in months because he is an a**h*** yet he thinks he can walk up and play nice because HE feels like it. I didn't want to show myself in public and especially because I knew my son was happy to see his daddy (who never calls to check on him by the way). My son spends the majority of his dad's EOW with his grandparents and daddy takes him back to my mom's so we don't have to see each other. I'm talking lots of hostility here. I have learned to make boundaries on the phone calls and when he gets out of line, i hang up. When he gets personal about things, I try to get back on the topic at hand, ie: finances, our son. But him coming up to us in public and acting like everything was peachy, really pissed me off. Especially when he is living in our house and I am paying the mortgage and he pays no bills or child support. We got to court and the end of the month and I am sure he will get his but I am trying to figure out a way to address the situation if it arises again like that. I can't not go in public, he never has the same route so there is no telling where he may be. I didn't want to be ugly in front on my son but he can't just come up like that. What if someone saw us and thought we were back together? Plus, I hate his guts and I don't want to be near him. Suggestions please? If I address it, he will know it bothered me. If I don't say anything he may think it's ok to do it again. If he cared so much about talking to our son, why doesn't he ever call and check on him and why doesn't he get him on his weekend instead of his parents? He just wanted to provoke me. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted August 10, 2005 Share Posted August 10, 2005 Without knowing your ex it's impossible to say what his motives might have been for approaching you like that. However, to be honest it seems like a reasonable enough thing for him to have done, although I can appreciate that you were irritated by it. Consider the alternative: what if he had come in to make the delivery without saying anything, and your son saw him? Surely your son would have called out to his father -- and then the encounter would have happened anyway. You've already said that you don't want to make a scene in public, so if there had to be an encounter, I'll bet you'd prefer it be pleasant (even if only on the surface). And think about it from your son's POV: he loves his dad, and he's too little to understand that your ex hasn't been fulfilling his parental obligations. Seems to me like that's just one of those situations where it's best to just grin and bear it. For your son's sake if nothing else. Of course even in that situation there are boundaries your ex must respect -- he shouldn't try to embrace or even touch you, he should focus his attention and primarly direct conversation to your son, and he should keep it short. Having brief, civil interaction with your ex when in front of your son ought to be manageable, right? In so doing you won't be condoning your ex's bad behavior, you'll be demonstrating your maturity and your love for your son. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Guinevere04 Posted August 10, 2005 Author Share Posted August 10, 2005 I know, I know. I did the adult thing by not clobbering him. But the way he is, by me being somewhat nice and not punching his lights out, he will think that means he can start calling me up as friends or something. He always tries to push the limits. He would have come over if it was just me, even if our son hadn't been with me. I just know it. I just want to get it across to him that I don't like him, I sure don't love him and I don't want anything to do with him. He is the kind of person that won't return your calls about something important but when he needs to know something, he will call you 5 times in a row. Nerve racking. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted August 10, 2005 Share Posted August 10, 2005 Well then put your foot down if your ex mistakes civility during an unplanned public encounter for an invitation to phone you and try to increase the frequency of interaction with you. What's appropriate in one context isn't appropriate in another. If he needs you to spell that out for him, so be it. It kind of sounds like you know this, and that you're just ticked off and venting a bit here -- which is totally fine. Sounds like your ex is a jerk, but he's a jerk you're going to be dealing with for the next fifteen years or so. If you establish that you're a reasonable person, one who can be polite and calm when the situation requires it, your requests in other situations -- e.g., that he return your phone calls pertaining to necessary business, and that he not bombard you with unnecessary communication -- will also look reasonable. Chances are your ex knows he's a jerk, and is uncomfortable about how to proceed. That doesn't excuse his neglect and lack of responsibility towards your son, but if you attack him at every opportunity (even though you're in the right) you'll probably only make him worse in all situations. Which will lead to more headaches for you. In situations like yours exes are necessary evils, and needless antagonism will just end up hurting you and your son. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 Originally posted by midori Consider the alternative: what if he had come in to make the delivery without saying anything, and your son saw him? Surely your son would have called out to his father -- and then the encounter would have happened anyway. Exactly what I was thinking as I read Guinevere04's post. If he was a jerk BEFORE the divorce, you really don't think he's changed, do you? Sounds like you should always expect the behavior of a jerk. However, I don't think what he did was unreasonable either. BTW, you will likely have more than 15 more years to deal with your ex, if you think about being in the same place at the same time for your child's graduation(s), bridal shower, wedding, baby shower, and grandchildren's birthdays. Link to post Share on other sites
Trashman Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 Okay, you guys are scaring me with this whole divorce language you have going on. I've read government technical manuals that had fewer abbreviations. EOW? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts