How Can I Diagnose Why No One Sticks Around?

[Wave Rider]

I have a pretty consistent problem with relationships, both friendships and romantic relationships: even if I work hard to try to be a good friend or a good romantic partner, people never seem to want to stick around, and I find myself feeling abandoned. I usually don't have much problem attracting women or making new friends, but eventually the lame excuses come out, the messages stop being returned, and find myself alone again. I am looking for advice for how I can go about finding out what it is about me that turns people off or causes them to lose interest.

 

Is it a lack of intimacy? Lack of emotional connection? Too much emotional connection? Failure to disclose enough personal information? Disclosing too much personal information? I'm really at a loss here as to why people lose interest in me and wander off.

 

Should I ask previous friends and girlfriends about why they left or lost interest? As embarrassing as this is, I'm willing to do it. But my suspicion is that they won't know why they lost interest. The best they will probably be able to tell me is "something just didn't feel right" or "it just wasn't working." Or if they really do know the reason, they probably don't want to hurt my feelings by telling me.

 

I have talked to therapists, but they can never find anything wrong with me. They all think I'm a great guy who is doing well. But in spite of that, I often find myself feeling abandoned.

 

What can I do to find out why friends and lovers lose interest and abandon me?

[Bastile]

Quality of relationship > quantity of relationship.

 

Focus on that instead. It seems to make them want to stick around too, anyway.

 

Ultimately all relationships are time-limited. She is going to reject you, you her, or the man in the sky takes one of you from the other.

 

Accepting that takes a weight off.

[normal person]

Should I ask previous friends and girlfriends about why they left or lost interest? As embarrassing as this is, I'm willing to do it. But my suspicion is that they won't know why they lost interest. The best they will probably be able to tell me is "something just didn't feel right" or "it just wasn't working."

 

A lot of times this really is the reason, though. You just don't know what specific aspect of the relationship lead to that feeling. And it's probably different for every encounter.

 

Or if they really do know the reason, they probably don't want to hurt my feelings by telling me.

 

Ask confidently and make sure you communicate the fact that you respect their decision, and that you won't be mad for hearing the truth. Maybe something like:

Wave Rider: "Hey, I had fun and it'd be cool to see you again"

Girl: "You're a nice guy, but I'm just not feeling it."

Wave Rider: Make a joke, then: "Ok, fair enough -- where'd I lose you?"

[d0nnivain]

Do you bombard people & expect constant contact from them? that can be a huge turn off which makes people feel smothered so they escape to get breathing room.

[burnt]

I'll respond not to give you advice, but because I can relate to what you are posting here--I have the same problem, and have asked that same exact question to myself and others many times, but never found an answer that fully identified the source of the problem.

 

I have felt this way for MANY years, probably going back to early childhood. I experienced a lot of losses--people leaving or moving out and that gradually created a sense of "they all leave just the moment I finally am able to open up to them". The problem was, the older I got, the more this same exact scenario was repeated:

I met someone; I was extremely reserved because I was afraid to lose them like the ones before. But with enough assurance and time, I finally slowly opened up; then they left, which left me even MORE crushed than the times before and even more secure in my fear of losing them and even more hesitant to allow others to come near me the next time.

 

I am guessing that slowly and slowly I had developed some sort of a defense mechanism to push them off--but this must have been subconscious, because that is not what I ever wanted. The thing is there is a tremendous amount of communication we do non-verbally--through our facial expressions, body language, tone of voice and choice of words. For all I know, I could be conveying my reservations in letting people come near me and even when they do, I might be unknowingly sending out "vibes" of mistrust, fear, and lack of confidence in the survival of the friendship/relationship. That might be one reason why no matter what or how I try, people keep leaving me.

 

The other reason could be that because I am so afraid of the loss, I might be showing utter desperation and clinginess--again perhaps without any conscious or intentional effort. That sort of a "needy" personality itself could deter people from staying near me.

 

The last thing is I suffer from loneliness and depression a LOT. I am sure when I interact with people, despite my best effort, these emotions end up coming out. Most people don't really want to stick around "sad" unhappy negative minded people for too long. Ultimately and eventually we all want to be around happy and energetic people. So, I might be putting them off with my depressive mentality.

 

But you are right--even if you ask the the people from your past, they may or may not fully be able to tell you WHY they lost interest in you.

[alphamale]

Is it a lack of intimacy? Lack of emotional connection? Too much emotional connection? Failure to disclose enough personal information? Disclosing too much personal information? I'm really at a loss here as to why people lose interest in me and wander off.

it could be any of a million reasons, don't beat yourself up trying to figure it out

 

Should I ask previous friends and girlfriends about why they left or lost interest?

no

 

 

But in spite of that, I often find myself feeling abandoned.

try finding people who you have more things in common with. the more commonalities there are the greater the success of the relationship

[darkmoon]

I suspect that ppl sense your desperation, so take turns contacting each other, and listen to who they really are, if they hate blue cheese or enjoy opera, whatever...

 

but ppl do move on, they out-grow each other, so while you seek permanence, it is unusual to find it

[BaileyB]

This is a total guess because obviously nobody here knows you in real life... And it is in no way a reflection on the wonderful person that you are...

 

But, I too wonder if people can see your desperation and that causes them to take a step back. I would also suggest, based on reading your other posts, that you have a tendency to get a little anxious and overthink everything (don't we all... ). I would respectfully suggest that if you are like this in real life, it can be exhausting for other people.

 

I don't know if you've ever tried counselling, but it may be helpful. I had a friend who had a series of failed relationships... He went to a counsellor and they talked about taking risks, developing relationships, fear of commitment, etc... It really helped.

 

Good luck!

[Nowty V]

What can I do to find out why friends and lovers lose interest and abandon me?

 

Look in the mirror.

 

Intelligence puts people off, you may not credit yourself with such an attribute; but seriously.. I've read your soul-searching and the lengths you've achieved.

 

People just don't go that far, life [and people] are much simpler.

[basil67]

When I look back at your previous posts, I find the causes fairly obvious. If I had the time and inclination I could write an essay on your interaction...but I will spare you and just scrape the surface.

 

1. Your neuroticism. It's so obvious that you've been able to identify it in yourself. And in a previous post, you admitted that neuroticism is a red flag to others.

 

2. Your issues with sex. You've written a few posts about that...and suffice to say, it would send me running. Last I read, you hadn't raised this with your therapist. Does your therapist know about it now?

 

3. Conversational skills. You complain that you can't discuss deep subjects with women. You've also said that you find women's conversations shallow. So, I'm going to say that women would likely find a huge conversational disconnect with you. While it's great to have a deep conversation now and then, you've also got to be able to be fun and lighthearted. And able to relate to women. I think you struggle with the latter things.

 

4. It would seem that you gauge your skill sets as thing which would attract women to you. I can only reiterate that I would not be attracted to a man who tells me what he's good at. I'm attracted to a man who talks about life and his enjoyment of it - not so much his achievements.

[divegrl]

Hi

 

I just wanted to share that I relate to this as well. I would suggest digging deeper into why you feel this sense of abandonment. For me, it was because I had childhood trauma that left deep scars.

 

Do you have a good sense of self? Of who you are and what your priorities and values are? Try practicing self love and compassion.

 

Also, I know for me, I hold loved ones too tightly. But in doing so, it squeezes all the life out of the relationship. You have to be willing to give them room to grow and evolve. Trust that everything happens for a reason.

 

Good luck my friend.

[Sweetfish]

I want to put my money on that you do anything and everything to be authoritative. You place people before you. This may not be the case now as you said you go to therapy (assuming you have a good therapist). The most loved and sought out person is the anti-hero. He/she has flaws, only cares about the closest people around him/her, and has no problem showing parts of him/her that defines that person and not the group they belong in. People can sense when you are not invested in your self so your value goes down. Its a power shift.. The best resolve for this is to truly love your self.

 

If you are not this...many people will not attach to you because unfortunately people enjoy being around flawed individuals. There are many people who hide their flaws and people will be suspicious of you because that is human nature.

 

 

It sounds like you are trying to find the real you. You talk about how your childhood and everything was based on lies and it seems like your searching to find the real you and thats maybe why you have taken on multiple persona.. as you say in one paragraph you play the "nerd in distress." Sex is a doorway to the real you and unravels the true person and maybe your not ready for that big jump yet.. Its not the sex you fear... but what the other person may think of you.

Edited August 21, 2017 by Sweetfish

[ayoung73]

Maybe a few feelers might be effective in narrowing down the problem, you might also consider talking with your family and see if they’ve noticed anything, like a dramatic shift in your character. How long were you with the therapist, how in-depth did you go into your condition? Maybe it was the therapist, try a few more, there are testing materials out there to measure a wide range of conditions and negative behaviors. Are there any work relationships you could tap? Maybe talk with them to find out more information. You can also search the web for some of the more elementary measurements and you can also review some of the more important relationships and identify situations and behaviors in an effort to flush out the negative reactions contributing to the person’s departure. It might also help to examine yourself, what do you think are your best and worst qualities when it comes to friendships/romantic endeavors. Can these qualities be identified in the relationships where a person has left, if so, what can you do better or cut out altogether? I don’t recall the title of the book, but some of the self-help books on cognitive behavior therapy could help, maybe one of those Dummy manuals, TV repair for Dummy’s series, ya know….but CBT is an incredible tool to redesigning a person or rewiring a person’s negative responses etc.

[Chilli]

Wish l could help but always had the opposite problem.

Never dated really but even if l wanted to l wouldn't because l can say right now it'll just get complected and open cans of worms everywhere, not worth the grief.

Nor sleep around , same.thing would happen although l need more anyway so no interest in sleeping around butttt.

 

But yeah , dunno , maybe your the good time guy, l'm a 50 50 mix but the full on good time guys never attract the keepers.

One of my brothers can walk into anywhere and out with a women in 20mins no problem, but he can't get a gf .

49 and he's only ever had one gf , disaster , yet he can pick up women anywhere anytime he wants.

 

Do you try too hard or come on too strong ?

Just thoughts.

[don't talk to me]

i am on the opposite side of the spectrum. even though i am quite lonely, when i finally stop being lonely i am the one losing interest. and it sucks. because dying from loneliness and not wanting anyone around is nuts.

 

you honestly sound like a healthy human being to me. don't let it get to you. i strongly believe you will find your people, sooner or later.

[lostmyshadow]

I have a pretty consistent problem with relationships, both friendships and romantic relationships: even if I work hard to try to be a good friend or a good romantic partner, people never seem to want to stick around, and I find myself feeling abandoned.

 

 

What's your idea of being a good friend or a good romantic partner?

 

In your previous threads, you talked about trying to find emotionally healthy women to date. For the most recent friends/girlfriends you've had, would you say those people were emotionally healthy?

 

I don't know enough about you to answer your question, but I'm wondering if you're just befriending people who aren't on the same wavelength as you.

[Wave Rider]

Thanks, everyone, for the responses. After thinking about it a little more, I guess it's not totally true that no one ever sticks around. It's that only a few people stick around, and I do end up being good friends with those people. I do connect with people and we do remain friends, but there just are't very many people that I deeply connect with. I've had a handful of good male friends over the past few years. Not many, probably 4. But they have been good friends, and for the most part, they didn't abandon me. And I would say that those were intimate friendships.

 

So maybe I'm just someone who only makes a few connections rather than many. Most of the good male friends I have do stick around, though the women I date don't.

 

Maybe an idea would be to try to make some female friends without any intention of trying to date them (and without trying to make them my therapist.) Maybe establishing some platonic intimate friendships with women would actually help me here. I'll post about that in the friendships part of this forum.