Why do I want a boyfriend so bad?

[LotusAvx]

I completely understand that having a boyfriend will not equate happiness or peace within myself, but I am feeling kind of depressed that it won't ever happen again. I've had one major relationship of 4 1/2 years, from 17 y/o to 21. It was a difficult relationship, but when him and I were happy and not fighting, it was an amazing feeling to be so close with someone, and have amazing support when I needed it. Now most of my friends are in a relationship, two of which I set up and they are very happy. I'm not jealous of them, more just wishing I had someone who was so into me and cared for me! I'm usually the third wheel lately with a few friends, and it's just a crappy feeling! I know it's not the end of the world, but I have a feeling I won't ever find this with someone again! I am pretty content with myself and with being alone, and I have stopped actively looking for a relationship as well. This stemmed from a bad experience with one of the many unsuccessful dates I've been on. Almost every date I've had, it had turned out the guy was just looking for one thing, or started to talk about sex really early on, so it kind of feels like every man I meet is only wanting one thing, which is quite disheartening! Does anyone have any stories of finding love when they least expected it?

[d0nnivain]

The world functions a little bit like Noah's Ark. People get paired off & it seems like everybody is coupled up but you. So you want what's missing.

 

 

I found my husband when I went looking for him. This wasn't the desperate Friday nights of my 20s. This was me deciding it was time to settle down & getting serious about finding a proper partner. I kept busy & forced myself to go out at least once per week to events where I could meet new people. It was hard some times. I was discouraged sometimes. OLD was awful. But I found niches that worked for me. I took my dog to a singles event called Leashes & Lovers. Didn't meet anybody but my Dalmatian got me a lot attention, plus he made it easier. I went to a MeetUp group regularly that played board games on Monday nights. I found that amusing. I had been getting ready to sign up for a group where they match you with a foursome -- 2 men, 2 women -- to go play golf. Even if the match sucked you still get to play golf. My point is figure out what you like to do & go find a group that likes to do that. Having a common interest helps to foster a meaningful connection.

[Versacehottie]

I completely understand that having a boyfriend will not equate happiness or peace within myself, but I am feeling kind of depressed that it won't ever happen again. I've had one major relationship of 4 1/2 years, from 17 y/o to 21. It was a difficult relationship, but when him and I were happy and not fighting, it was an amazing feeling to be so close with someone, and have amazing support when I needed it. Now most of my friends are in a relationship, two of which I set up and they are very happy. I'm not jealous of them, more just wishing I had someone who was so into me and cared for me! I'm usually the third wheel lately with a few friends, and it's just a crappy feeling! I know it's not the end of the world, but I have a feeling I won't ever find this with someone again! I am pretty content with myself and with being alone, and I have stopped actively looking for a relationship as well. This stemmed from a bad experience with one of the many unsuccessful dates I've been on. Almost every date I've had, it had turned out the guy was just looking for one thing, or started to talk about sex really early on, so it kind of feels like every man I meet is only wanting one thing, which is quite disheartening! Does anyone have any stories of finding love when they least expected it?

 

I think you find love when you are in a "good" place in your life that has to do with yourself not the searching which equates to "lacking" or feeling lacking or inadequate. My best advice is to immerse yourself with activities that you enjoy (which are not about finding a guy). If you don't have any, find some!! Secondly, start shifting toward single friends. No diss to your coupled up friends but you will waste a lot of time and misguided effort with them. Can be hard to meet guys when you spend your free time with couples, will perhaps continue to make you feel bad about being single and often is the subject or unwritten subject that is talked about (you getting a bf or being bf-less). So hang out with friends that are single. I think it's better to hang out with true friends (single ones) that you can be silly with, have jokes, do some of these activities with and ALSO do things where you meet guys. Looking for guys shouldn't be your only and main activity with them or it can tend to be unfulfilling. If you don't have single friends, get some! You need a friendship where it feels ok and like it's normal that you are single and support each other through it.

 

Now it can have some minefields such as if one or the other of you is exceeding with your dating compared to the other. (two of my friends are going through this right now; and the less successful of the two with dating is kind of jealous of the more successful one). Anyway, you can manage it. Extend your friend group. Make your life about MORE than who you are coupled up with and who you are in relation to another person. It's normal to feel like what you want is the biggest priority; we are predisposed to be that way, lots of us. But you've got to find ways around it because you will need them also when you actually are IN a relationship so you don't entirely depend on the guy for your happiness. That strength will help you now and then. Good luck

[lana-banana]

I "found" my fiancé when we were both dating other people and assigned to work together. During all the months of our joint project I never once paid attention to my hair or clothes. I didn't even wear makeup unless we were doing quarterly reports to our superiors. (Imagine my surprise when, months after we started dating, he confessed he thought I was beautiful!) I was so focused on achieving our goal it didn't even occur to me that I'd fallen in love until he went on a vacation and I suddenly realized how much I missed him.

 

When you are focused on your work or your passions, you become the best version of yourself. That confidence attracts people when you aren't even trying.

[mortensorchid]

You might as well ask what the meaning of life is while you're at it.

 

Humans are social creatures. We need one another for a variety of reasons and wants. There is no such thing as a completely self sufficient person who doesn't need others for SOMETHING in life. And yet people's #1 complaint when they are single is about being single, and people's #1 complaint when they are married is about being married. Go figure.

 

I want a bf just as much as you or anyone else reading this, I do. But can't find a man who either deserves me or who wants to be with someone like me. I nixed it with the one this year who had a sordid past for his and my own good. Before him my last real bf was 5 years ago (he was an Alpha Male aka Bad Boy), the last one before him was 5 years before that. Despite my isolation, life goes on.

 

If there was an answer, I would tell you the answer as to what you should or shouldn't be doing in order to get one, but ... I don't have it. All I can say is that you have to keep moving forward and hope against hope that someday, somehow it too can happen to you. You can't force it with people. If you do it will end up in a bad place.

[Mysterio]

As a man. I feel the same thing as you, except I want a woman as I am heterosexual.

 

I think the trick is to go out and just have fun where ever you are. Staying home and not interacting with people is not going to work for you.

 

My quick self help to people and that includes myself is this. Work out/dress well/be well groomed and enjoy the day. Keep all the angst for a journal and prayer works wonders. ego and Horm

 

If you do meet someone. There is no need to tell them about your struggles in dating.

 

For me personally when I look at myself objectivly. I think that my expectations are high in the sense that I feel I am deserving of a great relationship. So my journey is harder than most. I also think that Ego and Hormones play a lot in this journey of coupling up as well.

 

Sometimes I wish life was life this. No one sees you in a romantic way. You feel nothing and don't have the desire. Someone see you in a romantic way. You both get together and work it out.

[Mysterio]

So acording to a lot of us here. The way to attract or get into a romantic relationship is, not to make it a priority. Focus on other activities. I agreee, except I still think when you go out. You should make yourself attractive. Just get into the habit if being well dressed/groomed.

 

I don't even know if its about lonely or keeping up with others and striving to be the same. I have been with coupled friends. I never feel insecure or whatever. I go out and I see couples. I just say. I am seeing more couples that just got together and are new to each other. So why should that bother me or anyone. We don't know what they will have to go through or what they can or cannot handle with each other.

 

I think a lot of us are locked into a bad mindset that for whatever reason. If we don't have a romantic partner, that we think we are lacking and we can't be happy. A lot of my friends were not in a super happy place when they met their wives. So I don't ascribe to being all super happy. Its more about distracting your mindset, than being super happy. I don't give off the vibe that I am heavy in any way. I don't talk about my ex's or dating woes when I am in a relationship or dating. Certain friends I never talk about it.

 

My last attempt was a couple of weeks ago. I took my crush to lunch and found out she was married. Sh seemed happy and laughed in a playful way when I told her. Everything is good. I found out a lot about her. If she was single. I would still date her. So at least I picked right, character wise.

 

My thing is that I think that we are so bombarded with images of being in love through song/movies/tv/books/ads/online etc. Its to the point where its so heightened around us that there is no escape. The older you get the more you think about it. Sometimes I think that we all just want someone to just escape the desire to want someone. Which may lead us into trouble.

 

I don't think its a sex thing for me. Its not like all I want to do is just bed women and be done with it. I still resent that its a bit hard for me and for others to meet and just get on with it.

 

Perhaps we should state our expectations a bit more quickly than in the past. For me I don't like that I am 46 and don't have this wrapped up. I am to the point where I struggle with the wanting special someone on a regular basis and I don't see anyone around that I could start something with. Its like for me. based on my past experiances. Its better if the woman comes to me. My choices don't pan out well.