7675 Posted August 19, 2017 Share Posted August 19, 2017 You also sound like at teaser. This guy sounds socially awkward and you are getting a rise out of making him even more so to be. If that's the case, stop doing it. You'll feel guilty eventually about leading him on if you are not that interested. And you might not be respected for it by others. I have to agree with this. While OP does seem to have a warm heart the way she cared about the guy not feeling hurt, there's something about the way she presented this situation which gives off a narcissistic vibe about her. The way she flipped from "he's a cool guy" to "he makes me want to vomit" There's nothing wrong with the dude or anything he's done. He got led on, only to be dropped after a date. I mean, how many times do we see women on here posting about "I thought he liked but he's ghosted".. we all know how confusing and hurtful it is for someone, who makes us feel like they're interested, to just flip and not want anything to do with us. What's done is done and I applaud you for handling it well OP. However, let's not act like this guy is a creep. He isn't. Let's all just accept that these are two incompatible people Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted August 19, 2017 Share Posted August 19, 2017 It sounds like you handled it well and let him down easy. To be blunt, I would be careful with this guy as all of his behaviors thus far are more than a bit off of the reservation. I might be a bit paranoid as I had a stalker once but he is displaying some pretty obsessive behavior. I would tell him not to contact you anymore (via text) if he sends anymore texts or he calls. I would be very firm about it and establish that boundary. Report him to the police if he makes ANY attempt to get a hold of you. My stalker went from zero to boiling bunnies in the space of a week and we had only been seeing each other for a month. So, it's something I don't take lightly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 19, 2017 Share Posted August 19, 2017 I think the guy very likely has very little experience with dating and very little attention from women in general. It's unfortunate you had built up so much online before your first actual date. He's going to be crushed and learn a lesson the hard way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Robratory Posted August 19, 2017 Share Posted August 19, 2017 He left me a 2 minute voicemail this morning. An over the moon voicemail about how stunning I looked and how he thinks this is everything he has ever wanted He just texted me now saying he's worried about me I guess now would be the time? I also dont know whether to tell him I'm not attracted or I'm just not feeling it??? I feel like if I told him I'm not attracted that would be way too harsh You are behaving poorly. In your self-absorbed angst, you are leading him on. Nobody likes that. You should have told him in no uncertain terms the morning after that bad date that you were not interested after all. It is thoughtless, inconsiderate, and downright cruel to let people think you like them when you don't. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted August 19, 2017 Share Posted August 19, 2017 (edited) Please cut op some slack. Besides the fact her mom knew this guy, rejecting someone is harder for some people than others. I know I'd personally rather be rejected 10x over than do the rejecting. Plus she was trying to give him a chance for a lot of reasons. It is preached here to give people a chance and see if feelings change. Her feelings changed to the point she was grossed out, but she can't help how she feels. She ultimately did the right thing. Edited August 19, 2017 by Cookiesandough 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CoolJoe Posted August 19, 2017 Share Posted August 19, 2017 Please cut op some slack. Besides the fact her mom knew this guy, rejecting someone is harder for some people than others. I know I'd personally rather be rejected 10x over than do the rejecting. Plus she was trying to give him a chance for a lot of reasons. It is preached here to give people a chance and see if feelings change. Her feelings changed to the point she was grossed out, but she can't help how she feels. She ultimately did the right thing. While this is true, I do think she could have let him know a bit earlier on. Preferably before he could send a 2 minute voicemail. Plus, the quicker you cut it off the more it makes it feel real to the guy. Otherwise, he might delude himself into believing the lengthy time is due to her deliberating yes or no before ultimately leaning towards no. This then gives his infatuated mind the idea that if he persists he'll eventually win her over. In the future, regardless of relationship to your family, let the guy know it's a no ASAP if you are 110% sure. Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted August 19, 2017 Share Posted August 19, 2017 You are behaving poorly. In your self-absorbed angst, you are leading him on. Nobody likes that. You should have told him in no uncertain terms the morning after that bad date that you were not interested after all. It is thoughtless, inconsiderate, and downright cruel to let people think you like them when you don't. I don't think she led him to thinking that after the date (no kiss, etc). As an adult, you have to learn that just because you want or like something doesn't mean you will get it. Your feelings are not the responsibility of anyone but you. I've had two examples from my own dating. Both the dates went well and we tongue kissed at the end: 1) She texted me after the date asking if I got home ok and how she had a great time. I responded asking her out again and she said she didn't want to pursue anything and good luck. 2) texted me before I got home and said she was worried about me (got stuck in traffic). Asked her out again and she dodged me and stopped responding. I was perplexed as I had a passionate make out session with both, but ultimately didn't care as I have other options. Should I have gotten all butt hurt claiming they led me on? Could have been anything, another guy, took too long to respond, I'm a bad kisser (hardly ), change of heart, who knows. The important thing is I didn't dwell on either incident and did not feel led on. Just because you have one date with a girl doesn't mean anything. Especially if you are vomiting your feelings over her when you know nothing about her. Guys like this need to learn and slow the F down. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted August 19, 2017 Share Posted August 19, 2017 Hey Dis, Go easy on yourself. This guy really went way overboard. Your creeper instincts to this guy's behaviour kicked in just as Nature intended. Anyway you handled the situation very kindly, both in sending the text and in taking his phone call (but no more communication though, otherwise you will find yourself in a discussion you don't need to have and that doesn't serve you) As a more general comment, just because you aren't feeling it back for someone who is into you does not mean you are a bad person or your picker is off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted August 19, 2017 Share Posted August 19, 2017 I have to agree with this. While OP does seem to have a warm heart the way she cared about the guy not feeling hurt, there's something about the way she presented this situation which gives off a narcissistic vibe about her. The way she flipped from "he's a cool guy" to "he makes me want to vomit" There's nothing wrong with the dude or anything he's done. He got led on, only to be dropped after a date. I mean, how many times do we see women on here posting about "I thought he liked but he's ghosted".. we all know how confusing and hurtful it is for someone, who makes us feel like they're interested, to just flip and not want anything to do with us. What's done is done and I applaud you for handling it well OP. However, let's not act like this guy is a creep. He isn't. Let's all just accept that these are two incompatible people Agreed. The guy didn't do anything wrong. He's operating on old information. I strongly suggest that a person don't talk so much before a first real date, don't make future promises and don't talk about sex. That's leading someone on and a person might not even be sure they want to "go there" yet. It's over promising and based on virtually nothing except someone doesn't want to be single anymore and has hope for a new relationship. It's fine that OP isn't attracted to him but much much much easier to unravel if you haven't done all that other stuff before the first date. And then kinda picking him apart because he's not for you, it's not kind behavior. He's not for you, simple, tell him so and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fred123 Posted August 19, 2017 Share Posted August 19, 2017 what made him intense? if you liked him would you still be intense or it be different? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted August 19, 2017 Author Share Posted August 19, 2017 You are behaving poorly. In your self-absorbed angst, you are leading him on. Nobody likes that. You should have told him in no uncertain terms the morning after that bad date that you were not interested after all. It is thoughtless, inconsiderate, and downright cruel to let people think you like them when you don't. I let him know I wasnt interested less than 24 hours after the date. I wanted to make sure I was making the right decision. Some people string others along for weeks...or worse, ghost I did nothing wrong. I genuinely thought I liked him but once I knew I didnt, I let him know kindly and as gently as possible. Just because one person likes the other, it doesnt entitle them to anything from that person. Thats the harsh reality of dating. All we can do is keep other's feelings in mind and be a thoughtful and considerate as possible which if what I've done here I was more concerned about his feelings throughout this whole thing so the self absorbed comment is the furthest thing from the truth Way off base there with that entire post but thanks for the feedback I have to agree with this. While OP does seem to have a warm heart the way she cared about the guy not feeling hurt, there's something about the way she presented this situation which gives off a narcissistic vibe about her. The way she flipped from "he's a cool guy" to "he makes me want to vomit" There's nothing wrong with the dude or anything he's done. He got led on, only to be dropped after a date. I mean, how many times do we see women on here posting about "I thought he liked but he's ghosted".. we all know how confusing and hurtful it is for someone, who makes us feel like they're interested, to just flip and not want anything to do with us. What's done is done and I applaud you for handling it well OP. However, let's not act like this guy is a creep. He isn't. Let's all just accept that these are two incompatible people Even in my latest post after I let him know I wasnt interested....I still said he was a great guy. I also never said, "he makes me want to vomit". Thats awful Narcissistic vibe? Eek. Thats awful too. I've delt with my fair share of those types and they're not too fun to deal with. Lucky for me, I'm not one of them First a few observations on this situation before you and in general... You sound like a young girl (teenager/early twenties) based on things you said. If that is the case, you have a lot of things to learn about yourself and others around you. You describe yourself as being a very sexual person and having sex talk with this guy. I have some words of caution for you : DON'T. If you are a flamboyant person (be it about your sex life or otherwise), you will get stung by others because they are either jealous of it or offended by it. This sting has not happened to you yet, I can tell. Keep it up and it will. I fashioned a new persona about myself when I was in my mid/late twenties - mysterious, unattainable, keeping to myself about things with others. To avoid confusion about the matter at hand, I do not project myself as being virginal and pure to others, I am far from. What I project is an image of myself as being in the shadows and mysterious. It's for my protection and to keep a certain hype about myself, as well as others at bay because they will take information about you, even trivial things, and use them against you. Fact. But I digress... You also sound like at teaser. This guy sounds socially awkward and you are getting a rise out of making him even more so to be. If that's the case, stop doing it. You'll feel guilty eventually about leading him on if you are not that interested. And you might not be respected for it by others. I dont know where to start with this. Its not accurate and kind of all over the place.... Except I am a tease. That I will admit. You're correct there. There is a time and place for it though. I've never had a guy think less of me for it. I do agree I should try not to be a tease so early on....but thats kind of hard. Thats what she said! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted August 19, 2017 Author Share Posted August 19, 2017 Hey Dis, Go easy on yourself. This guy really went way overboard. Your creeper instincts to this guy's behaviour kicked in just as Nature intended. Anyway you handled the situation very kindly, both in sending the text and in taking his phone call (but no more communication though, otherwise you will find yourself in a discussion you don't need to have and that doesn't serve you) As a more general comment, just because you aren't feeling it back for someone who is into you does not mean you are a bad person or your picker is off. Thanks Imajerk I was kind of wondering why I felt so turned off but as always you (and some others) clarified it for me. He has a good heart but wow, he really went all in. Like 30 ft below sea level in. On the date I tried so hard to feel good about him. As time was passing I could feel myself drifting over into the 'turned off' lane more and more and more. I really didnt want it to be that way. I dont think we have much control over that sort of thing though I could tell last night he was so confused and hurt. I really tried to be as gentle as possible but he kept wanting to talk more and more. I made my intentions clear and def will not have anymore communication I wish I could give him some advice but I 100% will not... Its just at the end of the date when we got out of the car, I went to give him a hug and started to take his shirt off (maybe he really didnt want to wear the salad dressing anymore and thought that was a good time) he had a small undershirt on but omggggg was it super awkward. I just stood there as he took it off and did so in the most 'look at me' really slowly type of way. It was one of the most awkward ends to a first date I've ever had I hope he can get it all figured out in the future 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted August 19, 2017 Author Share Posted August 19, 2017 Agreed. The guy didn't do anything wrong. He's operating on old information. I strongly suggest that a person don't talk so much before a first real date, don't make future promises and don't talk about sex. That's leading someone on and a person might not even be sure they want to "go there" yet. It's over promising and based on virtually nothing except someone doesn't want to be single anymore and has hope for a new relationship. It's fine that OP isn't attracted to him but much much much easier to unravel if you haven't done all that other stuff before the first date. And then kinda picking him apart because he's not for you, it's not kind behavior. He's not for you, simple, tell him so and move on. Agreed to all of the above except I dont think I picked him apart. I've said many times I think he's a great guy. When I let him know I wasnt interested I didnt tell him anything besides that. I kept it simple and to the point. I think I delt with it in the nicest way possible. Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted August 19, 2017 Share Posted August 19, 2017 (edited) I start to wonder if the folks who are chastising the OP have ever been out on a bad date. And not a date that's bad because of lack of chemistry or because it's boring... An UNCOMFORTABLE bad date where you cringe because of the other person's strange behavior. I have had a handful of these and it is an unpleasant experience, to say the least. I had a woman once ask me all about my sexual "preferences" and was bringing up some seriously graphic acts (I won't go into detail). We had been out for two hours before she started in with this and it really made my skin crawl. I'm no prude when it comes to time between the sheets but she brought up a few fetishes that were just nasty. She told this guy she wasn't interested in seeing him within 24 hours and he responded with a 2 minute long voice message and an even longer text message. The content of which sound pretty creepy, in and of itself. So, don't judge until you've been in those shoes. Edited August 19, 2017 by OatsAndHall 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 19, 2017 Share Posted August 19, 2017 I was starting to feel very sorry for the anxious, confused, hurt and disappointed guy and then I remembered the styrofoam heart, the Bruno Mars, the salad cream and the slow shirt strip tease... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted August 19, 2017 Author Share Posted August 19, 2017 I start to wonder if the folks who are chastising the OP have ever been out on a bad date. And not a date that's bad because of lack of chemistry or because it's boring... An UNCOMFORTABLE bad date where you cringe because of the other person's strange behavior. I have had a handful of these and it is an unpleasant experience, to say the least. I had a woman once ask me all about my sexual "preferences" and was bringing up some seriously graphic acts (I won't go into detail). We had been out for two hours before she started in with this and it really made my skin crawl. I'm no prude when it comes to time between the sheets but she brought up a few fetishes that were just nasty. She told this guy she wasn't interested in seeing him within 24 hours and he responded with a 2 minute long voice message and an even longer text message. The content of which sound pretty creepy, in and of itself. So, don't judge until you've been in those shoes. Thanks so much Oats The more I look back on the date, the more I realize how uncomfortable I felt. There were some very strange moments. Sometimes its difficult to see the forest from the trees but now that some time has passed I think most people in my shoes would have felt the same I honestly think he was just super nervous and is a good guy at heart but some of the things made me think he wasnt thinking about my comfortability at all or (like others have mentioned) if I was even on the same page while he was going full speed ahead Like, while he was singing me that song on the care ride home, I kept saying, "Ok, ok" nicely but it was code for, 'Please stop'. But he kept going to the point where I turned the volume all the way down... in his car! I dont think it was his intention but he did make me really uncomfortable Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted August 20, 2017 Author Share Posted August 20, 2017 He sent me a message on Instagram: "You're driving me crazy, you know that?! I want to fight so badly for you even though you dont want to be fought for. I truly believe that the chemistry is there and we cant let it just fail becuase of a sub par first date. I want a rematch. I want a second first date. I think we should go out for some drinks. I never drink, but YOU are that special occasion that is worth drinking for. I want to celebrate YOU. I'll even bring you a bottle of sparkling rose (I said I liked rose on the date). Give it some thought. I dont need an answer right now. I'm just not a quitter and I refuse to give up so easily when I know that something is there." Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted August 20, 2017 Share Posted August 20, 2017 smoothhhhh......... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted August 20, 2017 Share Posted August 20, 2017 He sent me a message on Instagram: "You're driving me crazy, you know that?! I want to fight so badly for you even though you dont want to be fought for. I truly believe that the chemistry is there and we cant let it just fail becuase of a sub par first date. I want a rematch. I want a second first date. I think we should go out for some drinks. I never drink, but YOU are that special occasion that is worth drinking for. I want to celebrate YOU. I'll even bring you a bottle of sparkling rose (I said I liked rose on the date). Give it some thought. I dont need an answer right now. I'm just not a quitter and I refuse to give up so easily when I know that something is there." Holy Psycho Alarm Batman! D - ruuuuuuuuunnnnnn!!!!! Who does this? Who tries to convince someone to like them? I'm at a loss here...this guy has deep deep issues. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted August 20, 2017 Share Posted August 20, 2017 (edited) Girl, block him, delete the internet, grow a lady beard, move to ND. It's your only hope for survival. Edited August 20, 2017 by Cookiesandough 8 Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted August 20, 2017 Share Posted August 20, 2017 Girl, block him, delete the internet, grow a lady beard, move to ND. It's your only hope for survival. Lolololol!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted August 20, 2017 Share Posted August 20, 2017 He sent me a message on Instagram: "You're driving me crazy, you know that?! I want to fight so badly for you even though you dont want to be fought for. I truly believe that the chemistry is there and we cant let it just fail becuase of a sub par first date. I want a rematch. I want a second first date. I think we should go out for some drinks. I never drink, but YOU are that special occasion that is worth drinking for. I want to celebrate YOU. I'll even bring you a bottle of sparkling rose (I said I liked rose on the date). Give it some thought. I dont need an answer right now. I'm just not a quitter and I refuse to give up so easily when I know that something is there." I am imagining the dude singing Celine Dione while he wrote that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bachdude Posted August 20, 2017 Share Posted August 20, 2017 He sent me a message on Instagram: "You're driving me crazy, you know that?! I want to fight so badly for you even though you dont want to be fought for. I truly believe that the chemistry is there and we cant let it just fail becuase of a sub par first date. I want a rematch. I want a second first date. I think we should go out for some drinks. I never drink, but YOU are that special occasion that is worth drinking for. I want to celebrate YOU. I'll even bring you a bottle of sparkling rose (I said I liked rose on the date). Give it some thought. I dont need an answer right now. I'm just not a quitter and I refuse to give up so easily when I know that something is there." haha Could it be any more cliche? "I never drink, but YOU are that special occasion that is worth drinking for. I want to celebrate YOU". I hate to tease this guy and I'm sure the OP is a great gal and all, but you have to admit, that's some seriously corny stuff!! Haha 1 Link to post Share on other sites
7675 Posted August 20, 2017 Share Posted August 20, 2017 I start to wonder if the folks who are chastising the OP have ever been out on a bad date. And not a date that's bad because of lack of chemistry or because it's boring... An UNCOMFORTABLE bad date where you cringe because of the other person's strange behavior. I have had a handful of these and it is an unpleasant experience, to say the least. What's boring for you could be great for someone else. I enjoy hanging out with awkward people who can call themselves out and laugh at their awkwardness. People who take themselves too seriously can be do dull at times. Honestly, if not for looks, can you imagine how dull some girls and guys would be. Anyway, I still think all of this should've been left at "we just didn't click" No need to scrutinize the guys every move and call him a creep over it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
7675 Posted August 20, 2017 Share Posted August 20, 2017 He sent me a message on Instagram: "You're driving me crazy, you know that?! I want to fight so badly for you even though you dont want to be fought for. I truly believe that the chemistry is there and we cant let it just fail becuase of a sub par first date. I want a rematch. I want a second first date. I think we should go out for some drinks. I never drink, but YOU are that special occasion that is worth drinking for. I want to celebrate YOU. I'll even bring you a bottle of sparkling rose (I said I liked rose on the date). Give it some thought. I dont need an answer right now. I'm just not a quitter and I refuse to give up so easily when I know that something is there." This guy must be inexperienced and unaware of social cues. He's taking advantage of choice to let him down easy. Block him. And if he still persists, lay it all on him and don't hold back. He's being immature now. He needs to get the hint 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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