Sad as hell

[goldie800]

My husband, who I've been with since 19 years old (16 + years) and have two children with, decided about 2 weeks ago that he was done with this relationship. We recently bought a new house about a month ago and I noticed a lack of intimacy and him retreating. He was also more concerned with his diet and bringing his phone with him everywhere. I couldn't get rid of the nagging feeling that he was cheating on me. After confronting him about it several times (and him denying it), I finally found text messages between them. I confronted him again and he told me that he didn't want to work on the marriage anymore. I told him if he was unable to stop speaking to this woman and work on our marriage, he would need to leave the house. This weekend will be one week since he's been moving from motel to rest stop to sleep at night. I told him several times to come home - even if he didn't want to work on things - but just so that he wouldn't have to sleep in his car. He's refused.

 

I am so sick and in shock over this. A few weeks ago everything was fine - no major issues - and now my life is upside down and I'm being blamed for the demise of my marriage. He still comes to the house after work to clean, cook and take care of the kids until I come home from work -- and leaves after I arrive. I don't know how to approach him anymore, what to say, how to act or what to do. I love and miss him so much and can't believe he is throwing his life away over some woman who isn't his wife.

 

Words of wisdom greatly appreciated

[HarmonyDriven]

Wow.....this is tough. I feel for you. Big hug.

 

Has it been just the time in the new house in which you have noticed the change? Not before?

 

Could he be overwhelmed financially, buying new home?

 

Could it be a mid-life crisis? No excuse, but just wondering?

 

When was the last time you were intimate? How was his behavior immediately thereafter?

 

Do you know anything about this woman?

 

IMO, if he does not want to work on the marriage, I think you might want to seek professional guidance on your own......maybe an attorney as well?

[PegNosePete]

can't believe he is throwing his life away over some woman who isn't his wife

Well, it's his life, what he chooses to do with it is his business. Sorry to say you don't have a choice in this. he has made it perfectly clear that the marriage is over.

 

You should consult a lawyer immediately and find out where you stand, particularly in regard to the new house. Stop trying to get him to move back in. That will just make things MUCH worse.

[eyeteachscience]

I'm praying for you at this very moment, and I'm sending you hugs and handing you tissues. This is a heart-breaker, for sure! My best words of wisdom for you after having gone through something similar...seek some professional counseling, either through your church or your county can usually give you a list of Marriage and Family therapists. This is critical right now and in the immediate future so that you have someone to help you gain some perspective. There is more to your husband's story than has been revealed, and as you gain pieces of information it may or may not make more sense. I would not make any FINAL decisions for awhile, until you get more information and your husband stabilizes. Yes, I said your husband stabilizes, because he's the one who is out of balance and not stable right now. Praying for comfort and wisdom for you in these next days and weeks.

[elaine567]

I love and miss him so much and can't believe he is throwing his life away over some woman who isn't his wife.

 

[/QUOTe]

OK but how long has he been seeing this woman? It could be years...

I guess that as he has not just moved in with her then she is most likely married/attached.

Do you know anything about her apart from a few messages?

[preraph]

I'm very sorry. Don't reckon he's homeless as he has a new girlfriend for as long as that lasts. So don't feel bad about that. You had every right to kick him out. It's good he's still coming and helping with the kiddos. I don't see why on earth you'd get blamed. He's the one cheating. So you stand up for yourself.

 

Maintain your dignity for the kids. Don't go begging him back after what he's done. Go get yourself an attorney and get it over with. Don't leave it to him or you'll not get an equitable deal. Must have your own attorney. She'll be paid out of the settlement.

[amaysngrace]

I'd let him go freely and stop caring about him altogether. I'd also clean out the bank account and change the locks. Hire a baby sitter to watch the kids while you're at work because it's your house now since he chose to leave the marriage by not working on the marriage.

 

And of course get the best attorney you can afford.

[Steen719]

My husband, who I've been with since 19 years old (16 + years) and have two children with, decided about 2 weeks ago that he was done with this relationship. We recently bought a new house about a month ago and I noticed a lack of intimacy and him retreating. He was also more concerned with his diet and bringing his phone with him everywhere. I couldn't get rid of the nagging feeling that he was cheating on me. After confronting him about it several times (and him denying it), I finally found text messages between them. I confronted him again and he told me that he didn't want to work on the marriage anymore. I told him if he was unable to stop speaking to this woman and work on our marriage, he would need to leave the house. This weekend will be one week since he's been moving from motel to rest stop to sleep at night. I told him several times to come home - even if he didn't want to work on things - but just so that he wouldn't have to sleep in his car. He's refused.

 

I am so sick and in shock over this. A few weeks ago everything was fine - no major issues - and now my life is upside down and I'm being blamed for the demise of my marriage. He still comes to the house after work to clean, cook and take care of the kids until I come home from work -- and leaves after I arrive. I don't know how to approach him anymore, what to say, how to act or what to do. I love and miss him so much and can't believe he is throwing his life away over some woman who isn't his wife.

 

Words of wisdom greatly appreciated[/quote

 

I could have written this the first time my XH cheated on me. (well, the first time I know of, anyway) We were married for about 8 years at that time and had just bought a new house. We moved in July 1st and by the end of the month, he was leaving on the weekends to go to his hometown, telling me he was unhappy, losing weight, buying new clothes...I had NO idea of what was going on. By November, actually before I knew why he was doing it, I told him to leave by January. He could wait through Christmas, but I had seen an attorney and he could get out and move to his hometown. THEN, I found out. He put the brakes on the minute I started moving on. He begged, I let him stay and told me what a fool he had been, how he wanted to stay married.

 

He cheated again at 21 years married. I am divorced now.

 

If I had a wish about all of the above, I wish I had done what so many on here recommend. I wish I had immediately told him to go, no begging, no crying to him, no questions. You can't beg him back, no nicing him back. Let him go and if he wants to come back, make him go to counseling and really find out what is going on with him. We went to counseling, but I did a significant amount of rug sweeping. I just wanted my marriage back. I had a son.

 

The 2nd time, we went to counseling a few times - he lied to her and I left him.

 

I'm not saying once a cheater, always a cheater. I can't know that, but I do think if the problems that are there are not resolved, the issues will remain.

 

I am really so sorry. I know it hurts like hell. Let him go. You can't make him stay, anyway. Disengage as much as you can and let him have a relationship with the children, but go to counseling for yourself. Move towards acceptance and be good to yourself.

 

Big hugs to you. Surround yourself with friends and family who love you.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Goldie, your situation is very difficult and I guess everyone one here empathizes with you. I want to take a completely different tack here and although you may consider this bizarre, I would suggest you contact a really good psychic and ask him/ her to check out your house as sometimes there are some paranormal factors which play havoc with our mortal lives. A while ago I would have pooh poohed any such idea but after having read a book on the life of Sylvia Browne, the famous American psychic, I would give some credence to such matters. Sylvia was herself a victim of such a phenomenon. When she got married she and her husband bought a house which was affected by paranormal phenomena and they had to finally leave the house because of the effect it was having on them. If you have had a stable marriage for so many years and this problem suddenly reared it's head after you bought your house and moved into it it may be worth your while to do as I suggested. You may contact the Sylvia Browne Website itself to get help in this matter. I sincerely hope this helps to resolve your problem. Warm wishes.

[amers53]

I'd let him go freely and stop caring about him altogether. I'd also clean out the bank account and change the locks. Hire a baby sitter to watch the kids while you're at work because it's your house now since he chose to leave the marriage by not working on the marriage.

 

And of course get the best attorney you can afford.

 

That last piece of advice is the only one I can agree with. The contents of the bank account nor the house belongs just to her now. Infidelity does not mean he should lose everything (from a legal standpoint at least). Unless you, or the OP live in a state that does not have no-fault divorce...which is possible I guess, there are only 17 no-fault states, so I really don't know how that works when it comes to the division of assets. But since they have been together for a long time and they have kids, no fault or not, this isn't great advice. As much as it hurts, infidelity is between two adults and should not have negative bearing as their kids father.

 

OP, I am very sorry you're going through this. When my husband cheated on me (we weren't married yet then, yep, I'm the dummy that got cheated on and then still married him) I was devastated and I never saw any warning signs. I knew things weren't good with us at the time, but I never really saw it coming. It took me a very very very long time to stop cringing when I think about it, and even now, I sometimes think the only reason I have forgiven him is because I now want a divorce, and I can see how easy it could be to seek the love and attention of someone else when things aren't good in your marriage (I have not and will not cheat, and I'm not excusing it, I'm just saying it's not a black and white thing and I've gotten a different perspective of how it can happen given certain circumstances).

 

It's possible that it has been going on longer than just since buying the new house, and maybe with the stress of moving, he has gotten sloppier about hiding it, or stopped caring if you found out. Maybe instead of coming to you and confessing what he did and that things were bad, maybe he behaved in a way that would bring you to suspect it as you did so he didn't have to tell you.

 

I know it is hard because you still love him and you thought things were great, but if he is not willing to work on things in any way, you're not left with much choice. I would try very hard to not worry about where he is staying. He is a grown man who made choices, and he chose to cheat and to not move back home despite your offer, so try to let that one go. I would definitely seek out an attorney, if nothing else to find out your options and be armed with information. You don't want to sit and do nothing, and then one day be served with papers from him and then have to figure everything out.

 

Big hugs to you, I hope you can find some peace soon!