Am I in an emotionally abusive relationship or is it my fault?

[Rose4]

Forewarning: This is a very long post and a very bumpy ride.

 

I've been with this guy a little over a year. Don't get me wrong, he has an amazing personality--when he's not angry. During his happy moments, he's the sweetest guy in the world. He makes me laugh. Jokes around with me. Compliments me and tells me I'm beautiful. Spoils me with gifts when he is financially capable. Basically a perfect boyfriend.

Whenever he's mad, however, he goes overboard. He gets angry over the smallest things, sometimes blaming it on me when it's not my fault. <An example that happened today is that he left his card with me to pay the rent while he was at work.

 

While I'm in the shower, I get a bunch of calls and text messages only to find that it was him accusing me of buying unnecessary things and that "THAT MONEY IS SOLELY FOR RENT." Apparently there had been a $5 charge, to which I calmly explain that I just got out of the shower so there is no possible way that I could have purchased anything. He doesn't reply until a few hours later still with a rather short, angered tone. At that time I tell him that I messaged an old guy friend's company's Facebook telling him there was an error on his website. He asks what guy and I tell him. Anytime I text, message, talk to, or even attempt to contact a guy, I have to let him know the moment I do it.

 

If I let him know a few hours later, he gets livid and yells saying that he doesn't trust me. Fast forward to when he comes home, my mother agrees to pay to fix my car (worth $800, bless her) and all she wants in return is for me to pick her up some Chinese food. Of course I obliged; I would've done it even if she wasn't graciously paying to fix my car. He gets angry because I didn't let him know that I was leaving, and that I'm going to be gone for so long meaning he'll be asleep by the time I come back. I tell him that she's paying for my car--it's the least that I can do.

 

He replies with, "I just don't understand your ****ing family." His mentality is that my family is always asking for things, when in reality they don't. He was angry because he just got off of work, and I'm leaving as soon as he gets here so he can't watch a movie with me. I tell him to come with me then, and he says, "hell no. I've been gone all day. I want to be here." So I left. While I'm arriving at my mom's house, I get a crazy text message because he realizes that the guy who I tried to contact (I never got a response, and even then I was contacting his company's fb not him directly) is a guy I used to fool around (never had sex) with in high school. He loses his **** at this point and tells me I am a terrible girlfriend and why would I do this if I knew it would cause trouble.

 

He says I don't give a **** about him and to "do whatever I want to do" since he's sick of my ****. He ends it with, "this is the last time I let you **** up like this. Come home if you want. The door will be locked. Good luck." I tried to fix it by texting him and explaining my situation, but he insisted that I'm a sorry excuse of a girlfriend. During that time, I was trying to remain calm in front of my mother considering I won't see her for the next three months and this was the last time I was able to spend quality time with her. Whenever I was leaving, he was cussing me out and yelling at me as to why did I take all the cigarettes (which I didn't) and that he doesn't have any money left thanks to me (in reference to the $5 and me paying rent earlier that morning).>

 

Aside from all of this happening solely today, he gets angry and starts throwing and punching things, occasionally breaking things and leaving holes in the walls/doors. He even punched his smart tv once and blamed it on me for getting him mad and causing him to do it. He yells and cusses at me--loudly. It makes me cry at times, and he tells me I need to "stop being a little pussy" or ignores me. I have to tell him everywhere I go and with who I go, what time I left, and what time I got back. I've lost a lot of my friends because of him, and especially all of my guy friends.

 

I am not allowed to contact a guy because "I have no reason," and if i do, it has to be school related. Obviously by now you can tell that he definitely has anger issues. He once fought with his brother resulting in a bloody and swollen face (his brother's face) because his brother wouldn't agree with him on my school's campus. Never once did his brother hit him back. He just took it as my bf pounded the **** out of him. He also picked a bad fight because a bouncer wouldn't let him into a bar so he decided to "bump" into him which resulted him going to jail for the night.

 

I sometimes fear that he may physically hurt me, although he swears that he won't. These issues have been constant for the past year. It was so bad during last summer that I started talking to another guy to get all of my feelings off my chest. That other guy was my method of letting someone know. It got to the point where the other guy started developing feelings for me (or probably just wanted to hook up, idk), but I did let him know I wasn't interested. I ended up deleting the messages out of fear that my bf will find out I've been talking to another guy.

 

This I do take blame for since if i had a problem, i should've confronted him and not some other guy. My bf found out using some computer application that he paid $80 for that redownloads all deleted apps, messages, calls, etc on an iPhone. I was unaware of this app as he snatched my phone out of my hand one day and plugged it up to the computer. Since then, he's had major trust issues (understandably) but refuses to let me go. He blames me for our lack of sex because I don't initiate it, although lately I have been and he still doesn't. He gets mad when I tell him I don't feel like giving him oral sex either because I'm sick or too tired. It gets to the point where he won't talk to me because of it.

 

It's so hard for me to break it off with him. I understand the situation that I'm in and that I should probably leave, but for some reason I'm just weak. I can't bare to not be with him, and I cannot see myself with someone else. I've been raped before by other men, and he is the only guy I've felt safe and comfortable with (in that matter at least). Whenever he has his good days, it's magical. He apologizes for things now. I wish we can't work it out, but I've been wishing for this for a year now, and it's been a never ending cycle.

 

I don't know what to do.

Edited August 19, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[S2B]

Please do NOT go back to him. Find any way to stay away from this abusive man.

 

Get a job and earn enough money to support yourself and buy your own gifts.

 

Do not depend on any man for things.

 

If needed, while you get established/settled, move in with your Mom - be honest with her.

 

Hopefully you can get some therapy to support you getting stronger.

 

Good luck - and hugs. Take care.

 

Someone else controlling and abusing you is not your fault. But you must stay away from this type of person.

[Poppyolive]

He's controlling every aspect of your life. He's slowly breaking you down. So much so that you're blaming yourself. Don't think for one minute that he is telling you the truth that he won't hit you. It's only a matter of time.

Really you should be seeking therapy. Some red flags previous rape experience, questioning your worth, reaching out to another guy, allowing this guy to batter you down etc.

Why is it so hard to leave someone that brings no uplifting qualities to your life? You are not healthy. And your relationship isn't healthy. You deserve much better. This isn't what a healthy relationship looks like. At all.

 

Leave him. Asap.

[healing light]

This is a classically abusive situation. Google the cycle of abuse. It won't get better over time, only worse. He's proven himself to be a controlling and violent man. Pommeling his brother?

 

He's already succeeded in isolating you from your friends--thank goodness you still have your mother. You must leave this man and then seek therapy for why you tolerated it for a year. You're likely co-dependent.

 

Make sure you have a plan so you can leave safely. I would have all your things packed and gone while he's at work with a note or something similar as opposed to breaking up with him in person. Most women are at the greatest risk right after/around leaving.

[GemmaUK]

First things first - you need to leave this guy and quick.

This will only get much worse than it already is and it will escalate to physical abuse if you stay.

He's successfully isolated you from friends and is doing the same with your family.

 

If I were you, pack a bag, leave everything else and go straight to your Mum's.

You must tell her all of this also.

I would also advise letting the police know what has been going on. I don't know where you are but in the UK domestic abuse such as this is a crime.

 

The reason you feel weak is that he has battered you down, your self esteem is shot from this and your past also but none of this is your fault or your doing - please believe that.

 

He doesn't love you, it's all about power and control for him.

[BaileyB]

Well, I read the first two paragraphs and said "yes, this guy is emotionally abusive." Anytime you begin with "he's such a great guy - except when he's angry..." You know you have a problem.

 

You need to leave this relationship. This will not end well for you if you stay.

[d0nnivain]

Yep You are in an unhealthy relationship that you need to end immediately.

 

Any time somebody tries to tell you that you "have to" do something in a relationship (above them holding out a fork full of amazingly delicious food & saying you have to try this) get away from the controlling jerk.

 

He already said he doesn't trust you. Without trust you don't have a relationship. End this before the thing he punches when angry is you. Because that is coming.

[Downtown]

Rose, you are describing the behavioral red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). The behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, verbal abuse, controlling actions, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your BF has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can make that determination. Rather, I'm suggesting that your BF may be a "BPDer," i.e., may be on the upper third of the BPD spectrum and thus may exhibit strong traits.

 

He has an amazing personality--when he's not angry. During his happy moments, he's the sweetest guy in the world.... Whenever he has his good days, it's magical.

If he really is a BPDer who has no other serious mental issues, he likely is generally a good person. A BPDer's problem is not being BAD but, rather, being UNSTABLE. The vast majority of BPDers typically are great folks to be around while they are perceiving of you as "all good" (i.e., "with them"). And they can be terrible to be around while they are perceiving of you as "all bad" (i.e., "against them).

 

BPDers categorize everyone close to them in this black-white manner because they are too emotionally immature to handle being in touch with two strong conflicting feelings at the same time. They therefore "split off" the conflicting feeling, putting it far out of reach of their conscious minds. In that way, they only have to handle one intense feeling at a time.

 

You will see this all-or-nothing behavior in a four year old who adores Mommy while she's bringing out the toys but, in a few seconds, will flip to hating Mommy when she takes one toy away. Similarly, you are describing a BF who flips back and forth between the two polar extremes of loving you or hating you.

 

Because BPDers typically behave so wonderfully while splitting you white, and because they usually exhibit the warmth and emotional purity that otherwise is seen only in young children, they can be very easy to fall in love with. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both exhibited full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.

 

He tells me I am a terrible girlfriend.... He was yelling at me as to why did I take all the cigarettes.

As noted above, a BPDer will perceive of you as black or white, i.e., "terrible" or "wonderful." There is no middle ground for him. This B-W thinking also will be evident in his all-or-nothing expressions such as "You ALWAYS...," "You NEVER...," and "You took ALL the cigarettes." Never mind that it isn't even true.

 

His mentality is that my family is always asking for things, when in reality they don't.

Again, this "always asking" is another example of B-W thinking. It also is worth noting that a BPDer's inability to regulate his own emotions results in his frequently experiencing very strong feelings. These feelings are so intense that they distort his perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations. Hence, if your BF is a BPDer, he very likely believes that your family "is always asking for things" when he is making that accusation.

 

Because BPDers experience these thought distortions whenever they are angry, they usually believe the outrageous claims coming out of their mouths. And a week later when they are saying the exact opposite, they likely believe that nonsense too. This does not imply, however, that such thought distortions are a sign of being "crazy" or "psychotic." Those terms refer to folks who lose touch with physical reality, e.g., believe that the TV news anchor is speaking to them personally. BPDers typically see physical reality just fine.

 

He gets angry over the smallest things.... starts throwing and punching things, occasionally breaking things and leaving holes in the walls/doors.... I sometimes fear that he may physically hurt me.

If your BF is a BPDer, any small action or harmless comment has the potential to trigger his rage episodes. The reason is that a BPDer has been carrying enormous anger and hurt deep inside since early childhood. You therefore don't have to do or say a thing to CREATE the anger. You only have to do some minor thing that TRIGGERS a sudden release of anger that is always there below the surface.

 

This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in only a few seconds. And this is why another one of the 9 defining symptoms is "Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger." Hence, the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.

 

I am not allowed to contact a guy because "I have no reason," and if i do, it has to be school related.

If he is a BPDer, his greatest fear is of abandonment. A BPDer often sees threats of abandonment in common, every day events that really pose no threat at all. Moreover, a BPDer lives in fear that, even if you really do seem to love him at this moment in time, you will immediately abandon him as soon as you discover how empty and worthless he is on the inside. This is why "Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment" is one of the nine defining traits for BPD.

 

He gets livid and yells saying that he doesn't trust me.

If he is a BPDer, Rose, he is so emotionally unstable that he is unable to trust himself. Until he learns how to do that, he will be incapable of trusting anyone else for an extended period of time.

 

He was angry because he just got off of work, and I'm leaving as soon as he gets here so he can't watch a movie with me.

Because BPDers have weak unstable egos, they usually HATE to be alone. They need to have someone around who will help to ground them and center them -- i.e., to provide the missing self identity. The result is that, even when a BPDer is very angry with you, he is unlikely to want you to leave permanently. This is why the #2 best-selling BPD book is titled, I Hate You, Don't Leave Me!

 

I wish we can't work it out, but I've been wishing for this for a year now, and it's been a never ending cycle.

This repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back is one of the hallmarks of a BPDer relationship. It occurs because a BPDer's two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) lie at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means that it is impossible for you to back away from triggering one of his fears without starting to trigger the other fear.

 

As you draw close to assure him of your love, for example, you will trigger a BPDer's engulfment fear because, although BPDers crave intimacy, they cannot tolerate it for very long. Due to a BPDer's fragile, weak sense of self identity, he will quickly feel like you're trying to control him -- and he will get the scary feeling of being suffocated or engulfed.

 

Yet, as you back away to give him breathing space, you unavoidably will start triggering his abandonment fear. Hence, if your BF is a BPDer, you are always in a lose/lose situation. You lose no matter what you do.

 

It's so hard for me to break it off with him.

Largely due to the push-pull cycle described above, the abused partners can find it difficult to stay away following a breakup. They get pulled back in by the BPDer's love bombing. BPDer relationships thus are notorious for having numerous breakups.

 

A BPDfamily survey of about 460 such relationships found that nearly a fourth of them (23%) went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good. About 40% of the BPDer relationships experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before eventually ending. And 73% had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll.

 

I don't know what to do.

Rose, I agree with the other respondents that you should walk away from your BF. But you already knew that is the logical solution before starting this thread. If you continue to be trapped in this toxic R/S by painful feelings of guilt and obligation, it could be helpful to see a psychologist -- for a visit or two -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you are dealing with and on how you can best heal from it.

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD symptoms to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your BF exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," verbal abuse, and temper tantrums.

 

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your BF's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking him back and avoid running into the arms of another man just like him.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Rose.

[preraph]

he's not your boyfriend. He's your jail warden. I think you can find a guy who is also funny but who isn't controlling and abusive. Do NOT have kids with this mean jerk.

[S2B]

Rose, did you leave yet?

[bene]

This is textbook case of abusive relationship. All the signs are there - controlling behavior, blaming his outbursts of anger on you etc. Your judgment could be clouded and I see that you already doubt your own assessment, but it is clear as day for anyone who reads it.

 

People in abusive relationships often say "but OTHERWISE he's wonderful", but honey, even a madman is not ranting and raging 24/7. It is not some other person who gets angry, this is who they are. The abusers need to keep their victim around, hence the "magical" moments to keep you in the relationship. The outbursts show you their true colors.

 

You said that you have been abused before - probaly this is why you compare him to a lower standard and find that he is not as abusive as other men have been. But there should be no place for any abuse in the relationship and you deserve a truly safe and comfortable one.

 

Escalating to physical abuse is only a matter of time I'm afraid. It could happen when you get more dependent on him, for example if you should get pregnant.

 

Please leave this relationship for your own good.

Edited August 20, 2017 by bene