Do I unblock my ex.

[losburatinos]

Hi everyone. Been digging this forum for a while, just need a word of advice from you.

 

I'm 26. My ex and I broke up in May and it was a very quick breakup as I realized that she did not want to try again, I established NC immediately, and a week after we broke up, when my clear reconciliation message was left on seen, I blocked her and deleted from everything I could so I can move on.

 

Fast forward three months, I'm finished with my Masters, moving to a new city for a new job very soon and just being happy about my life.

 

I had breakups before so I knew what to do, I never pleaded to her, I didn't check her social media for a few months and generally I'm moving on quickly, considering how stressful the last 3 months were for me. I do not imagine us in the future together and my life plans do not include her. Even though I haven't found a new gf yet, I'm looking forward to meeting one.

 

Yet today would be our 3 years anniversary. We met on Mallorca exactly 3 years ago and it was some of the most amazing experiences in my life.

 

I am considering unblocking her. I'm not sure why, something tells me that I will keep dwelling on the question if I don't unblock her.

 

It has been 3 months and honestly... I'm not even mad anymore. Like I don't want revenge for her, even though she moved on before the breakup and actually was trying to get ME to break up with her while I was still looking for options. She wanted freedom and I gave it to her. I had to go through a lot of pain back then as I was letting go.

 

I feel like unblocking her and just forgetting about her after that. Not looking at her social media and avoiding any thoughts.

 

On the other hand, I'm afraid that if I unblock her, contact may set me back. I'm afraid that the feelings that I managed to hide will spill out again and I will be set back during the critical time when I need to find a new place to live. She did send me a breadcrumb email in early June after I blocked her, but I'm pretty sure it was her panic mode because she realized that I decided to move on. She could have contacted me if she wanted...

 

Yet, I'm thankful for what we had. We both made mistakes, but ultimately I cannot say I did badly in the relationship. I'm just thankful for the rare love that she was able to show me at the time, even though it was in her own interest. 3 months later I understand that she left me at the right time. The breakup was inevitable. After all, she needed me more than I need her. She became a victim of her own insecurities and well... hopefully she will learn from her mistakes.

 

Could anyone please help me to reflect on my situation? It's very hard to analyze it since its my head and I lack any external opinion. It's been boiling in my head for a while and judging became very hard.

 

I really just want to move on and forget about it all. Past 3 months were hard. Thank you.

[Frostedflake]

I feel like unblocking her and just forgetting about her after that. Not looking at her social media and avoiding any thoughts.

 

Thoughts are not so easily controlled because if they were then this site would not exist. People would not miss their exes or think of them. That is why most people suggest cognitive therapy because although we can not control thoughts we can look into why we are having them and possible solutions to counteract those thoughts when they inevitably occur.

 

Do not unblock your ex.

You will take advantage of this open window to peep in on her whereas the urge isn't so strong because you know you'd have to go through the motions of unblocking and once you see something you don't like it's another 24-48hrs before you can block her again. It's not worth it. It's literally doing you no harm to keep her blocked but it may do a lot of harm to unblock her and like you said "set you back" a lot of healing.

 

You say you're doing this for closure but closure has always been in your hands. You've gotta move on.

[losburatinos]

Yes, you're right. Keeping full NC was always my strongest card. It's my advantage against potential harm and losing it means giving up my position.

 

It's been so long that I'm just really confusing myself. Have to stop lying to myself. How though? I guess 3 months of suck wasn't enough, need to embrace it and hope it will dissolve later.

[d0nnivain]

Unblocking is not the same as affirmatively initiating contact. If you think you won't get peace unless you unblock her, go ahead but don't reach out.

 

When you unblock her & something about her through a friend of a friend comes through on your feed & you feel worse because you saw that, block her again.

 

Congrats on your degree, the move & your new job. You have a bright future ahead. Stop looking backwards. There is no need.

[losburatinos]

Unblocking is not the same as affirmatively initiating contact. If you think you won't get peace unless you unblock her, go ahead but don't reach out.

 

When you unblock her & something about her through a friend of a friend comes through on your feed & you feel worse because you saw that, block her again.

 

Congrats on your degree, the move & your new job. You have a bright future ahead. Stop looking backwards. There is no need.

 

Thank you for kind words. I am hoping my life will be great!

 

Wasn't planning to contact her at all. it's just the blocking thing, it feels that thoughts about it prevent me from moving on. But I don't have any intention to speak to her.

 

You're right. There is no need to look backwards. Time to move on fully.

[Art_Critic]

IMO, once you block someone you NEVER unblock them.. ex or not...

[AT15]

You will be tempted and you will be set back. You will see things that only make you feel bad. It's not worth it. Let it go and move on. Watching and baiting her into contacting you will only send you on a roller coaster of emotions. 3 months recovery is not a long time after a two and a half year relationship. Maybe after a year you can unblock her, if you remember.

[losburatinos]

Thanks everyone, I realized that I was wrong, I shouldn't even think about that.

[coolheadal]

Thoughts are not so easily controlled because if they were then this site would not exist. People would not miss their exes or think of them. That is why most people suggest cognitive therapy because although we can not control thoughts we can look into why we are having them and possible solutions to counteract those thoughts when they inevitably occur.

 

Do not unblock your ex.

You will take advantage of this open window to peep in on her whereas the urge isn't so strong because you know you'd have to go through the motions of unblocking and once you see something you don't like it's another 24-48hrs before you can block her again. It's not worth it. It's literally doing you no harm to keep her blocked but it may do a lot of harm to unblock her and like you said "set you back" a lot of healing.

 

You say you're doing this for closure but closure has always been in your hands. You've gotta move on.

 

Keep her block, block the cell/sms (True Caller app can do that) NC - no contact with her because you want to move on and forget about her. I had a good friend but she lies to me so I finally gave in and block her completely. I will miss her friendship but not her lies. i need to move on like your doing. I did. We did have some sort of dating relationship but that has been over for several months now. I have met someone else now.. I am happy again and had moved her into my house. It will happen to you as well, just give it sometime. Get her our of your system don't play music that you and her like, don't do things you and her had visited or done. Remove all her pictures of you too together. You need a clean state of mind. Go on a trip and see and talk to new people and get your mind off of her... I did that I am better now..

[d0nnivain]

It's not exactly the same thing but a few years ago I had a huge falling out with a lifelong friend of 40+ years. I blocked her on social media & haven't looked back. I did not block her on my phone & still have all the horrible texts she sent me plus the snail mail. I haven't moved. My house phone # is the same. My work phone # is the same & anybody who cares to find me can. If she ever wanted to reach out there were venues through which she could have apologized. She never will.

 

But my life is better knowing I don't have to see her social media activity & I have peace knowing she can't see mine. Mutual friends who know all about the fight do warn me when she's coming into town.

[Soak]

Why would you unblock her?

 

Just be aware that any text messages sent while blocked may come through now, which may cause you pain.

 

I wouldn't unblock. Just move on.

[losburatinos]

Thanks, everyone. You are all right - there is no point in unblocking my ex. The reason is, its been over 3 months and I'm just mentally tired of thinking about 'what ifs'. She sent me an email before which I didn't reply, so if she wanted it so bad, she would have contacted me.

 

It 'was' our 3 years anniversary yesterday and today. The relationship was really important for her back then. If she doesn't feel the need to get in touch with me to even say 'thanks' then I don't see much point either.

 

I will just leave it as it is and move on. After all, in a year or two I won't give a single care about it all.

[losburatinos]

Keep her block, block the cell/sms (True Caller app can do that) NC - no contact with her because you want to move on and forget about her. I had a good friend but she lies to me so I finally gave in and block her completely. I will miss her friendship but not her lies. i need to move on like your doing. I did. We did have some sort of dating relationship but that has been over for several months now. I have met someone else now.. I am happy again and had moved her into my house. It will happen to you as well, just give it sometime. Get her our of your system don't play music that you and her like, don't do things you and her had visited or done. Remove all her pictures of you too together. You need a clean state of mind. Go on a trip and see and talk to new people and get your mind off of her... I did that I am better now..

 

I'm moving home soon so was going though my stuff and found a photo collage that she made 2 years ago for me. Its hilarious how it says '19.08.2014 - forever'.

 

Its too big and I couldnt keep it... So I kept the very first photo of us on the day we met to remind myself one day how young I was. The rest went to bin...

[d0nnivain]

You're feeling melancholy because it's the anniversary. If you left one line of communication open -- your e-mail address & presumably you didn't change your phone # so she could call from another phone -- there are no what ifs. It's wishful thinking.

 

Purge your life of the mementos & go back to your regularly scheduled course of healing & progress.

[losburatinos]

You're so right.

 

There are people here who need help much more than I do. I won't be taking any more of your time. Thank you again.

[whatnot]

I don't know how things work in today's digital/disposable/take-a-pic-of-everything-we-see-world/delete world.

 

There's a box of pictures in my closet. probably about the size that a basketball could fit into it. It's filled with photographs of my life. ALL of my life...college, travels, while I was married, dating, military, jobs...toys...high school sweethearts, etc... just the times of my life....I've gone through them from time to time. Not often. Maybe every 3 or 4 years I'll be looking through the closet for another reason and it will occur to me that i'd like to look at some photos. Nothing inparticular. Just to glace through them. It reminds me of things I'd forgotten.....It reminds me of times past.

 

My mom is 89 years old. She has dementia. She spends her time going through photographs of her life. It's the only pleasure I see her having....other than when one of her kids goes to see her.

 

If my home caught fire....my box of photographs would be one of the things I'd grab. The memories are good memories even if the times were tough. I remember the good with the bad. It's all the fabric of my life.

 

Today....I don't take photographs. I use my phone. and over time...I delete most of what I take.

 

When I'm 80.....they'll be no record of my life to look at from the time I was 45 to 50 years old on.....

 

I've thought about that. It's not something I want to have happen. We've always been a throw away society in America. And now...we're throwing away our photographs as well. As if the past never happened. A whole generation (or two?) is now growing through adulthood with no permanent phots of their lives. They don't know....

 

Over the course of most of the last decade...I've been living on a boat. So...it's occurred to me during that time that I'd need a waterproof camera or two to use to take pictures of the good times I had on that boat, times when I didn't want my phone getting wet. It was a major part of my life. There's pictures....somewhere....I don't know where....probably in that box...still in the cameras...of those times. I'm glad I've got them. Someday...I may be glad I did not throw every thing away.

 

A few pictures of you in college with your girlfriend isn't going to keep you from "moving on".

 

Take care...