calling CPS

[clandestinidad]

I'm putting this under 'family' rather than 'parenting' b/c its more about what to do about my mother than my daughter....but here's what happened:

 

Last week (Aug. 4th) my mother warned me on the phone to not be shocked, but that my daughter fell and scraped her knees, nose, and forehead pretty badly. I asked how, and she said that she was closing the garage (its manual) and my daughter was walking to her car and fell, and that since she was holding things in her hands she wasnt able to stop herself. I figured, alright, it happens

 

When I saw her, I was a bit suprised at how bad it was. A big round scraped bruise on her forehead, bloody scraped knee, scraped nose (and area under her nose)....and I kept wondering how she would have had THAT bad of a fall....but I put it out of my mind....until....

 

That afternoon after her nap she was limping and complaining about it. I asked her what happened, and she said "Mimi, push...hurt" (making a push motion w/ her arm, and pointing to her knee when she said 'hurt'). I thought it was weird....but I also know that children can make things up if they're prodded about things, so I made note of it and waited to see what else happened. (btw, she's 2 and has a very limited vocabulary; is behind in some areas)

 

So, on Sunday/Monday (cant recall right now) my daughter thought my boyfriend was being mean (he wasnt, she just didnt understand). She said "Paca mean" and I said no, it was okay, he wasnt.....she said "mimi push...hurt" again, doing the same motions as before. This struck me as strange, that she'd relate both instances and tell me about someone else being mean to her. I asked her to show me, she took me to the driveway (where my mother said she fell) and said mimi push again. So, I was dumbstruck....

 

I called her counselor the next day and told him about it. He thought it was very interesting, and that she was definately trying to tell me something. And that its interesting that after that many days she said it again...that its still on her mind.

 

He told me that since he knows about it that he has to call CPS, and I said that I would.

 

So, she said it again today after looking at her knee. I havent called CPS yet. I really cant wrap my mind around this situation....i'm kinda pissed, confused, numb.

 

I'm thinking about talking to my dad about it....he & I have talked briefly before about how she's changed lately. I would hope he'd understand and not blow up at her or anything.

 

Does anyone have any thoughts or experiences w/ this?? Thoughts about what I should do about it or expect???

[Skeered]

Just curious if your mom has ever abused or had that in her background? Seems odd that it would just start...also maybe confronting your mom directly and see what reaction she gives you would be better...go straight to the source...I think reactions from people are worth 1000 words..you'll know as your daughter's mom if anything happened by the vibe you get.

[clandestinidad]

Yes, she was abusive to me when I was little. She's admitted it twice, and denied it once....odd

 

Before I called her counselor I had heard that often times when someone talks directly to the abuser, it makes the abuse worse. I asked the counselor if I should confront her about it, and he said that it might make it worse.....

 

I figured if I tell my dad, he might have some information about how she's been acting lately, and would be able to watch more/protect when he's around. Their dog supposedly 'fell' all the way down their stairs a week or so ago too...dont have any evidence about that, just a weird feeling

 

I havent called CPS yet....I'm wondering what to expect....and what to do about this whole thing. I dont know anyone else that could babysit, but should really start looking

[Skeered]

If there was past abuse with you and you have strange or odd feelings go with your gut....we as mom's especially can sense things that aren't right with our kids environment and I am a firm believer in not ignoring the signs...

 

I hear what you are saying about it being tough to find a sitter...HOWEVER if it weren't your mother watching your child and it was some sitter you hired and you felt this person was abusing your daughter...would your child EVER go back to that person again. At this point I would call CPS and have her investigated...the thing is you can be totally anonymous...she might think a neighbor called or something and if she has nothing to worry about then it will just make her think twice about everything she does with your child...if your counselor said don't approach her than don't...but definetly if you feel there is a chance this is true don't ignore it...pursue it now...maybe your mom has something medically wrong and doesn't know how to cope with it...a chemical inbalance or something.

[hotgurl]

you need to get another sitter. Because if your daughter continues to go there and your mom does this again and cps is called you can be held accountable because you knew of the situation and did nothing.

 

Why would you ever let you child go stay with a known abuser UN supervised. It is the same as if you were abusing her yourself.

[clandestinidad]

Thank you for the responses! I talked to my dad about it not too long ago. He's confused like I am, and said that he'd watch and see what goes on.

 

He also said that maybe she bumped into her or something, and maybe my daughter misunderstood what happened. I said that I had thought about that too, but that she knows the difference b/n bumping into someone and pushing. She pushes her arm out when she talks about it. The look on her face when she talks about it is very serious too....its obvious that she doesnt think it was funny or anything.

 

Also, I told him that my mom said she was closing the garage door, and my daughter was walking to the car when she fell. So, if she 'accidently' bumped into her my mom should have/would have said so.....not come up with that gargage door story, ya know??

 

Anyway, my dad doesnt see how/why she would do that. I told him that I dont either, but that R isnt old enough to make up a story. He kinda questioned her understanding of vocabulary, but also said that I know her and her knowledge base better than he does. He said that he's seen my mom get upset at the dog, but not at R. He said he would be more aware, and that I could talk to him about it if anything else happens.

 

So, now I'm at the point where I should call CPS. B/c I know they need to be aware of it in case anything else happens. I just dont know what they do. Does anyone know anything I should expect???

[New_Wife]

WHOA! Your mother abused you and yet you let her watch your daughter? Who is too young to either defend herself, or clearly report anything if history repeats itself?

 

Forget CPS - run to a daycare fast.

 

What are you thinking?

 

I love my mom. She loves my kids. But It'll be a cold day in hell before they are ever alone with her and any guy she chooses to date. It hurts her feelings, but that I can live with. History repeating itself on my children, I could not.

[clandestinidad]

I understand what youre saying. Its hard for me to know what went on when I was little. I remember her blowing up at me a lot, beating me w/ a belt, brush, whatever.....grabbing my arm and pulling me around......etc

 

She has flat out told me twice "i used to beat you" (in kind of a lighthearted way), and another time said that she didnt.

 

I have seen how she's been with my daughter, and thought she had changed over the years. You know how grandparents treat their grandchildren better than they treated their kids? I thought it was something like that.

 

Also, there are some reasons why I have her watch her as opposed to day care.

 

My daughter has severe food allergies, and most people dont understand that they cannot give her certain things, or let other children give her their food. Its not just peanuts or something like that, its also anything w/ rice in it, oats, barley, margarine, butter, soy.......

 

She also has some social developmental delays, and has some neurosensory issues (sensory integration dysfunction) which causes her to act/react to things differently than other kids. Because of this, she cant stand being around people that she does not know and trust fully (my parents and I, and usually my boyfriend...but still not her father who's been visiting her every other weekend for a year and a half). She cant stand having anything (marker, paint, a speck of something) on her hands or feet, she is petrified of stuffed animal stuffing (and other things), she will not walk across or touch dirt or sand (even with shoes on), for a while she wouldnt touch feathers but her occupational therapist got her to, and there's more examples but I've listed enough for now.

 

She cannot handle being put into a daycare setting at this time....she gets completely overwhelmed with things, especially new people....and the reaction is severe.

 

I wont MAKE her be in that situation; it will cause too much harm

 

And I cannot make her be in this situation w/ my mother either, if it really happened, so I dont know what else to do. I'm completely lost

[New_Wife]

All the more reason not to expose her to a known danger. I have several kids, one of whom has autism & type II ADHD with a strong tactile dysfunction. I understand special needs. But again, there is NO WAY IN HELL I'd let him alone with my mother and any man she's dating. None of my kids.

 

There are other sitters. Nannies, social security & other social assistance for a developmentally disabled child.

 

As parents, we are our childrens' only advocates. First and foremost.

[clandestinidad]

Thank you so much....I PM'd you b/c I really need help figuring out what to do.

 

I start nursing classes again in about 2 weeks. Do you think I can get help that quickly??

 

Does anyone else have any input/thoughts/advice??

[hotgurl]

kat23,

i don't know what are you live in but there are services for day car assistance if you are ins school and don't have the money and also sometimes there are organization that can help you find day care. why don't you contact the local branch of health & human services and they usually have a list of day care providers and you can also talk to them if you need aid. or look in your phone book or talk to other moms.

 

I feel that if you let the situation continue and something else happens you won't be able to forgive yourself. Maybe even the school could have some suggestions.

[clandestinidad]

Thanks hotgrl.....I will definately look in my phonebook

 

I understand what youre saying about cheap day care and what-not, but cheaper usually means theyre not a place I want to put my 'special needs' child (or ANY day care for that matter, b/c of her situation).....I think I will look into a nanny to come to my home (obviously w/ background check and everything). That way my daughter is comfortable at home, with her own things, her own food, etc....I'll need to have them come over before actually hiring anyone, and hopefully she'll be comfortable with someone.

 

I just want to do this quickly, ya know?

 

Any more thoughts??? I'm really overwhelmed and scared....I want to do the right thing

[New_Wife]

Two weeks doesn't give you a buttload of time, but push hard. Don't be afraid to be irritating. Sometimes you get more service that way.

[quankanne]

kat, look up Parents Anonymous and see what they can recommend. Also, if your little one has a regular pediatrician who works with her food allergies/etc, see if his/her office can recommend some resources. Help is out there!

 

when my SiL was going through her divorce from my brother, she found certain help through an organization that helped women get back on their feet. She's also in Houston, I can check with her to see who it was and what services they offered, then get back with you once I hear from her.

[clandestinidad]

Thank you all so much!! I've started looking for nanny/babysitter places. I'll look into all the other info yall sent me too! I really appreciate it. I wish I knew someone that could watch her....or if they had a friend/family member.....it'd be really easy that way. But I dont know anyone. Anyway, thank yall and I'll keep you updated.....will probably have more questions about it too

[New_Wife]

One more PM related to your location and childcare.

[jonybgood]

This may sound like a far fetched idea, but is there any chance you could put off your nursing career for a couple of more years and instead of spending less time with her spend more time? That would give you three things. First you could really continue to work with her first hand and NO one will care like you will. Second you could introduce a single daycare provider into her life slowly so she could develop that trust and third by then she will be almost school age and there are a ton of programs out here to work in smaller groups with school age children. I have son and a stepson both with slight learning disabilities and the programs they have out there for individual instuction are fantastic, but you do have to stay on them about them ( the squeeky wheel gets the grease) they would rather label a child than work to help fix them, but if you make them they have to help you.

 

The next thing on my mind is that there are certian things you cannot take a chance with. If someone has an issue and abuses someone else you must always assume there is that potential again. Do not betray your daughter's trust and put her in that situation. You know what happened and you are looking for possible explanations instead of the truth because it was your mother. Not trying to be harsh here just blatently honest. Anyone else did this and you would have hung them out to dry by now.

 

I know from other posts in this website that you are a good person and you will do the right thing you just have to be strong about it. good luck. JBG

[clandestinidad]

Thank you so much...that was very encouraging. Everyone's been great about this, and I really appreciate it.

 

My daughter works with and occupational therapist (besides her counselor), and i've spoken with her about this situation. She even told me that she picked up on some things about my mother (b/c she has been around her a few times before)...that while she seems like a nice person, she seems very overwhelmed with taking care of her, and we agreed that she just doesnt seem to want to do it.

 

Thats alright, in a sense, b/c some people (obviously she's one of those people) just arent cut out for taking care of children. She really doesnt like watching her, but feels like she has to....its a burden to her. And when people are too burdened, they act out...and I need to remove her from the situation fast!

 

So, the good news is that the occ. therapist knows of a lady that runs a small group daycare in her home. I think there's maybe 5 children there. And while it would take some time to get my daughter used to it, its small enough that she wont completely flip her lid....and I'm still checking into some other programs as well.

 

also, JBG, I actually spend a LOT of time with her even when in school. I dont have classes all day, every day, and I dont work. So I only spend about 20 or so hours in school/driving. This semester will be about 18-20 hrs. I think thats pretty good!! I'm glad about that, b/c it is very important that I work with her...besides all the cuddling, playing, and laughing!!!! oh yeah, and she loves to dance with me too!!!

 

and I really cant put off finishing nursing school any longer b/c my parents are helping us out (they pay for my house, bills, etc)....and quite frankly its too much of a burden/hassle to keep doing this much longer. They wouldnt let me put it off anyway, until I'm done...dont know if that makes sense. I mean that if I stop going, they wont help out anymore.

 

anyway, these are great responses...I hope there are more!!!!

[amberlily]

Kat,

 

I fully understand the issue with feeling "safe" in finding someone who can care for a child w/ food allergies. My 2.5 yr old nephew has several severe (life threatening) food allergies...so sensitive that re: his allergy to dairy, if my niece eats a piece of cheese, doesn't wash her hands and touches his arm, he'll get hives immediately.

 

My little niece just recently developed a nut allergy (she's 5). My sis is a teach but is a stay at home Mom. She's so unsure how she's going to deal with them going to school. She's had close calls because even when visiting with a friend who has kids, people don't "get" how careful they have to be. She can't even fathom ever putting him into any kind of daycare, doesn't know how she'll deal with kindergarten. People can be so damn stupid. She's had to give him a shot of epinephrine/call the ambulance twice........when new allergies emerged. She has finally found one babysitter she trusts, has to ensure the gal knows how to give Epi if needed, call 911 etc. Needless to say, her and brother inlaw don't go out much. People don't understand how life threatening some allergies in children can be.

 

Is your Mom mentally ill at all? The whole thing with the dog falling down the stairs, that doesn't add up. My Mom was abusive growing up - much like yours. She likely shouldn't have been a parent but is much much better with my niece and nephew though my sis would never leave them with her and Dad overnight....would be too overwhelming for her (she's getting older now).

 

What are you going to tell your Mom if you no longer use her for babysitting? Do you feel she'll be so angry that your parents will withhold the financial support they're giving you - because your mom is so insulted? Or will you not tell her the reason?

 

A nanny or mature babysitter might be better than even a 5 child day care....because what if those kids are served food that your daughter's allergic to and touch her? How severe are her allergies? Do you have to have an Epi pen with you at all times?

[clandestinidad]

Is your Mom mentally ill at all?

LMAO!!! I think a few people in my family are, actually!!! But really, I've suggested she see a counselor or something, and she refuses

 

Thank you for your understanding comments about how serious food allergies are! She hasnt had hives or anything yet, but I keep everything away from her. Up to this point, its been that when she eats things she vomits profusely and gets bloody diapers...but she also has had mild anaphylaxis to fast food french fries.....so I keep everything pre-made far away from her (she lived on something called neocate from the time she was 2 months old...now she can eat some fruits, veggies, beef and chicken...still drinks the neocate though....no bread, oats, barley, rice, anything w/ soy or soy product, anything dairy, egg, olive oil, peanut butter, nuts, etc etc)

 

Anyway, about what I'm going to tell my mother....I mentioned childcare to her again today (we had been trying to get into a place nearby, but are on a waiting list). I told her that I think it would be good for my daughter to start trying to be around other children more (neighbor children come over, but thats about it)....we agreed that I should look for a place. So, I figured that was the best way to let her know about it, without telling her that I want my child away from her!! This way, there's no blame or guilt placed on her for not wanting to be a good caregiver....its more about my daughter being around more children.

 

what do yall think about that?? would you add anything else to tell her?

 

also, I dont think they'll cut off the financial support b/c of this....she's been talking (from time to time) about having someone else watch her for months now (it was her idea, at least 6 months ago, to put her in mothers day out or something)...so she should be very happy to have all of her precious time back to herself!!!