I have made a mess of things!

[RedHead5]

And I'm torn on what to do.

 

I have been married to my 2nd husband for 6 years now. I have been unhappy over the years for several reasons, including unfair treatment of my 2 children (in comparison to his 2 children) and complete lack of help around the house. Including being so messy it creates more work for me....I talked about these issues several times to try to rectify the situation with no results. In fact, about 2 years ago I told him the housework issue had gotten so bad if it didn't change I would walk.

 

Not only did nothing change, he then carried on with a subordinate of his at work and she filed sexual harassment charges when he ended things. I work in HR for the same small company so he embarrassed me as well as lost his job. He said they didn't have sex. I believe him.

 

However, now....I have retaliated in a sense and I had an affair. I met someone online and we met out of town on some business trips. I fell in love with this other man who is also married.

 

My husband went through my phone while on vacation in June and figured everything out. I told him I wanted a divorce about 2 weeks before he found out.

 

So now, my husband wants to reconcile. My lover has told his wife and she wants to reconcile with him. We have discontinued a sexual relationship but still talk daily. I don't know if he will ever leave his wife and I am also very conflicted. The problem is that we are very compatible mentally and I'm not sure I have ever met someone whose brain works so similar to mine.

 

So I'm very confused right now. I cannot let my lover go at this point. I'm scared to divorce. I'm stressed out and not eating and really don't have anyone to talk to that knows my whole story who is not involved in it.

 

My husband is now the model citizen. Sickeningly nice to my 2 children, doing all the housework and cooking dinner. Literally 6 years of begging and I got nothing until he thinks I'm walking out the door.

 

Someone help me make some sense out of this!!

[preraph]

I don't know that you're going to like this solution, but I think that if you have tried everything to fix your marriage and he still won't lift a finger and tried to have an affair, it is time for you to simply divorce and also get rid of your lover and just start with a clean man-free slate and take care of your children through what will be a tough period of attorneys and court dates. You don't need a lover to worry about through any of that, I promise.

 

Get your own attorney and file papers on him. It's not working. He's running you into the ground like a plow horse because he's a selfish pig. Rather than waiting until you can't stand the sight of him and you both wrong each other to the point you can't be civil at all, for the sake of the kids, get out now and pledge to be polite and civil throughout the process and after.

 

Insist he take joint custody of the kids so that you too can have some leisure time after this is all over and also time for a job. And you need to do that because how else will he ever learn to take care of the kids or do housework unless he's the only one can do it? True, he may snatch up the first woman he can so he has an instant babysitter and maid, or he may make his poor mother do it, as many men do. But it won't be your problem anymore and you will not be gnawed at by resentment because he's not doing his part because he will finally be responsible for doing half or getting it done -- not your problem.

 

It's not good for kids to have two quarreling people as their role models. They grow up thinking that's normal and find someone who will similarly fight with them! So show them that sometimes it's just healthier to walk away in a calm fashion. Good luck.

[RedHead5]

Thanks for the response.

 

I have thought about doing just what you mention but it is very scary! Also this will be my second divorce and that bothers me too.

 

We don't share any children so mine would go with me and his would stay with him. I've talked to my kids about the possibility of us leaving. My 14 year old doesn't care and my 11 year old is ready to leave, like yesterday. She has been miserable. He never cared to form a bond with my kids so they don't feel much towards him.

 

I know I probably need to cut things off with the lover for both of our sakes but it is very hard to let go. I know deep down he will probably never leave because he has alot of assets on the line. Sad but true.

 

I would hope that if I left them both I could find someone I have that same connection with as I do the lover but its seems nearly impossible and that's scary. I'm not scared to be independent financially but I just don't ever want to settle again. I feel like I did with my current husband. And that makes me feel like I may be forever alone!

 

Don't get me wrong. I don't think I would have a problem finding dates or boyfriends, just not sure I would want to be with any of them long term. That is what scares me I think....

[preraph]

It's okay if you don't want to be with any of them long-term. Just don't bring them all into your home and put your children at risk.

 

I'm just glad you won't have to deal with custody issues. Look, what is a relationship worth if it only makes you miserable? Don't let a man into your household unless he enhances your life and makes it happier. You might actually enjoy not having one to deal with and I know your children would. Then if a great one comes alone, wonderful. But no, don't settle. I mean, why?

[sandylee1]

I hate when a step-parent is not nice. That is enough reason to leave in my view.

 

Your 11 is ready to leave... That's very telling.

 

Leave and don't think about your lover. There are millions of men on this earth and he's not the only one you would be compatible with.

[RedHead5]

I told him yesterday that I believed I would be happier alone and wanted to work towards moving out. I felt relief in saying that as I am tired of dealing with the pressures from him to 'try' when I have no desire to.

 

Now I just need to work on the speech for the lover. I am going to tell him that I will need to cut him out of my life soon if he doesn't intend to leave his wife. I can give him a short amount of time to figure it out while I work on leaving here but once I am on my own I know I can't carry on a relationship with him in any sense (even as friends). Being romantically attached will make me lonely and being friends will hurt my chances of finding someone else.

 

I honestly feel excited about leaving. A little tiny bit of fear left but in the last week or so I feel like I have gained some strength. I had a great day out alone with my daughter and it was one of the best days I have had in a long time. I want more happy days!

[usa1ah]

Poor way to go about it with the affair but you are doing the right thing with separation.

 

Sorry you picked someone that is so unwilling to help in the family home. Sounds like he was after a house keeper to me.

 

Take care of yourself and your kids. Best of luck.

 

With the other man. You need to stop talking with him. You know it's the right thing to do. Give him the chance to do what is right and see what happens.

[RedHead5]

I agree, I have made alot of poor choices for me to arrive at this juncture. The affair as well as rushing into marriage the second time. I could have saved myself alot of heartache and trouble if I had taken more time in making the decision to remarry. I only waited a year after my first divorce was final.

 

I ignored alot of red flags. His treatment of my kids over the years hurts more than the lack of help around the house. But the red flags were there for both but I was convinced I was in love.

[DKT3]

I agree, I have made alot of poor choices for me to arrive at this juncture. The affair as well as rushing into marriage the second time. I could have saved myself alot of heartache and trouble if I had taken more time in making the decision to remarry. I only waited a year after my first divorce was final.

 

I ignored alot of red flags. His treatment of my kids over the years hurts more than the lack of help around the house. But the red flags were there for both but I was convinced I was in love.

 

Including your own red flags...you sound like you are trouble with relationships, of course it's easy to blame others. Truth is you continue to repeat things. It's clear you KNOW your affair partner won't leave, so that's why you claim to be willing to let him go. Problem is, you won't, you said "I can't let my lover go" so you won't.

[RedHead5]

No, I'm not ready to let him go. I know I need to and I will. Just not ready today.

 

I am red flags, I guess. Probably why I should be alone. Thanks for making me feel worse.

[usa1ah]

No, I'm not ready to let him go. I know I need to and I will. Just not ready today.

 

I am red flags, I guess. Probably why I should be alone. Thanks for making me feel worse.

 

Red you will never be ready to let him go. You just have to do it.

 

The question is are you willing to do to his wife what the girl at work did to you. I don't think your that kind of person.

 

Red this is for you and your kids. You know to be smarter in the future. You know not to rush into things.

 

You also know the longer you want, the harder it will be.

 

No time to waste Red.

[DKT3]

No, I'm not ready to let him go. I know I need to and I will. Just not ready today.

 

I am red flags, I guess. Probably why I should be alone. Thanks for making me feel worse.

 

Not looking to make you feel bad, only pointing out the obvious from what you've said.

 

Say you have a damaged rim on you car, it causes you to continue to have flat tires, do you keep putting new tires on without fixing the issue?

 

You go from relationship to relationship and don't take responsibility for them being damaged. Just adding men won't make you successful at being a good safe reliable partner.

 

Go work on yourself, find a way to be happy on your own. Then you can consider a relationship. A partner will never keep you happy if your happiness depends on them too. A partner can only enhance, never create (long term)

Edited August 27, 2017 by DKT3

[RedHead5]

I understand that part. I understand I need to be on my own for awhile. I have basically been in relationships non-stop since my early 20s with very little time, if any, in between them. I am a pretty introspective person, I get all that.

 

What struck a chord with me was that one of the fears I have in leaving this marriage is that I will be 'red flagged' because I will now have a second divorce. That's what upset me and hurt my feelings.

 

Part of me feels like I should avoid the stigma or stay in a relationship that is dragging me down or because of obligation to vows. I could stay and have a half-assed version of happy where I was financially secure but had no one to have intellectual conversations with and constantly live in a 'good enough' environment. I'm not satisfied with going to work and coming home and drinking everyday. I come home and see the **** i have dealt with for years and just think, is this the life I want??

 

I'm not blaming him for everything. But I will say I TRIED for many years to work on these things, to make it work. The straw that broke the camel's back was when I lost loyalty from him. That led me to lose mine as well. I will be very frank, I had thought about cheating before because our sex life was very out of sync. But i made the conscious decision not to and I avoided everything that would have led me in that direction. I am a very sexual person and he is not. We had the same sex position for 2 years! And it took me forever to get him to try new things. But I kept trying and it got a little better...and then he cheated on me! My world was shattered when I found out, that is the only way I can describe it. I always thought at least I had a loyal husband, despite all the other problems. So then what was left?

 

The reason it is hard to let go of the lover is because there is a very strong mental and emotional connection. Honestly, I entered into the affair with the mindset it was just going to be sex - pretty sure we both did. I knew my marriage was going south. After getting to know each other better, it turns out we are compatible on many levels. I told him already that if something came of this that I would need to live on my own for at least a year to work on me. At this point, we just talk. No sex stuff, I am trying to keep my conscious clear because I felt like dirt as a cheater. But it is wearing on me mentally because I feel like I know I can't have him. I know me and I will get tired of feeling hurt/lonely and I will end things. I have gotten very close to that point several times but haven't been able to follow through yet. I have even told him that. He says if that ever happens he still wants to be friends but I can't do that. I will cut him out completely when I make that choice.

 

I know that all sounds completely cliche and naive. That nobody understands me like him and blah blah blah. But seriously I didn't think other people like me existed. I knew when I got married the second time that I was marrying someone who didn't get me. Someone even asked me why I was marrying him FOR THAT REASON and I told them that I just didn't think someone who was like me existed and I would never find that person. Now I know they do exist. I'm afraid to let this one go because I'm afraid I will never find another.

 

I also know that I probably will but it is just alot of fear driving me at this point.

[minimariah]

about your marriage - it's a done deal, sweetheart. divorce. i understand ALL OF YOUF FEARS, trust me. divorce sucks! being divorced twice sucks even more. but this is THAT time when you need to be strong and when you need to put your children and yourself first - i know it's hard but do not pay attention to what others might tell you. you have this one life and YOU are the one living it - believe me... no one will brand you, people just really do not care. most of that is in your head, your fears. get help - your family and friends, even professional counseling - to get you out of this marriage. do it fast and without looking back - that first moment is always the hardest and the worst and you'll feel AWUL. but it will pass and with time, you'll feel better. you're not happy and your kids are not happy - being divorced two times is not a failure. being married just because you're scared what OTHERS might think while your kids are miserable IS a failure.

 

about your lover - not sure if he has kids, i will assume he does. it seems to me that you went from on difficult situation to another - from one difficult and complicated relationship to another. if he does divorce, you'll have to deal with his kids, him accepting and adapting to your kids and vice verse AND with his betrayed spouse who'll be in the picture and that relationship almost never goes without drama & tensions. so you're up for another hard work and hard relationship with a lot of balance, compromises and other people whose life you got involved with. all complicated, i don't think it's a coincidence.

 

you should deal with one problem at a time - first your marriage. then your lover. if you can't let him go now, then don't. let it be and focus on your marriage, you'll work it out later. there's time.

 

you said earlier that you never thought there was someone like you.

and you were wrong, you met your lover.

 

NOW you think you'll never meet anyone like your lover.

and you're probably wrong about that one, too.

 

time to stop thinking in the "i'll NEVER..." box, don't you think?

Edited August 28, 2017 by minimariah

[MMT]

My dear,

 

You are very blessed to have a husband who would try hard each day to stay together when you just cheated on him and continue your emotional affair with a married man.

Your husband is being so gracious toward you. I understand your needs were not met over the years, but were you meeting his?

 

I believe that you are both in the wrong in you relationship and you can repair it with commitment, forgiveness and honest communication.

 

The man that is cheating on his wife and wants to be with you will cheat on you if you end up with him. Do you really want a man like that in your life? His character is shown by what he is already doing to his current wife. What makes you believe that he will not cheat on you if you decide to stay together?

 

Work hard on staying together with your husband, and apologize for your wrongs, retaliating is never the right way to go.

[RedHead5]

I ended things with the lover yesterday. I can't eat, can't sleep, can't stop crying. I didn't want to but felt like it was time.

 

I almost signed a lease on an apartment last week. But they wanted more money than I thought so I'm back to saving.

 

My husband is alternating between getting drunk and telling me what an awful person I am and that I should gtfo now to apologizing and texting me all day how he will never give up.

 

I'm about to lose my mind now. This is the worst I have felt through this whole process and I'm just trying to hold it together for my kids and work.

[DKT3]

I ended things with the lover yesterday. I can't eat, can't sleep, can't stop crying. I didn't want to but felt like it was time.

 

I almost signed a lease on an apartment last week. But they wanted more money than I thought so I'm back to saving.

 

My husband is alternating between getting drunk and telling me what an awful person I am and that I should gtfo now to apologizing and texting me all day how he will never give up.

 

I'm about to lose my mind now. This is the worst I have felt through this whole process and I'm just trying to hold it together for my kids and work.

 

How do you expect him to act? He acts this way because he loves you and you hurt him. It's an internal conflict, on one hand he wants to show and continue to love you. On the other her hand he knows he deserves better. Only one way for this manifest itself, the infidelity rollercoaster. I love you, GTFO, I need you, go choke on a chicken bone.

[MidlifeMama]

Hang in there. It's hard, I feel your pain. Breathe. You are trying to end all of it at once and maybe you should slow down. Call trusted friends. Cry as much as you need to then focus on one step at a time. Forgive yourself, you've been dealing with a lot.

Take a minute to focus on you and ask for support from those you trust and love.

If you can, maybe speak to a counselor. Write down things you want to accomplish. Listen to music you love or if that's too much, don't listen, turn the station. Pray (not religious) but do believe in it. Take care of you and the kids. Don't be afraid to laugh. Cry some more. Try some Benadryl at night, might help you sleep. Be kind and gentle with yourself, you'll get through this.