Does a history of cheating taint future relationships?

[Hbroken]

There's a lot of info on the net on how being cheated upon can affect the betrayed spouse's future relationships. There's not so much on how a cheater's new relationships are affected because of their history of cheating in a previous relationship

 

What i am interested in knowing however is whether any of you have dated someone who had previously cheated in a previous relationship and whether they told you about it and whether they repeated the same while with you?

[smackie9]

There are different attitudes towards cheating...desperation to escape the relationship, insecurity, the " I got too drunk" mishap, etc OR the selfish attitude, the serial cheater.

 

It's the serial cheater you have to watch out for.

[caveman621]

You wish there was a yes and no answer. I think the questions of how long ago and how many times weighs into it to. If you're an old man (like me at 54) so you're dating someone of the opposite sex (or same sex, whatever) who cheated once 30 years ago I wouldn't be too concerned. If you're dating someone who is 54 and has cheated ten times then, umm, yeah. That's a problem.

[road]

There are different attitudes towards cheating...desperation to escape the relationship, insecurity, the " I got too drunk" mishap, etc OR the selfish attitude, the serial cheater.

 

It's the serial cheater you have to watch out for.

 

You wish there was a yes and no answer. I think the questions of how long ago and how many times weighs into it to. If you're an old man (like me at 54) so you're dating someone of the opposite sex (or same sex, whatever) who cheated once 30 years ago I wouldn't be too concerned. If you're dating someone who is 54 and has cheated ten times then, umm, yeah. That's a problem.

 

Both good posts though that show it not a black and white

issue.

 

Though spending too many years on these boards have shown

if they cheated once they are likely to cheat again.

 

This is why the saying past behavior is a good indication

of future behavior.

 

This is why I would advise to stay away from them.

[Darren Steez]

There's a lot of info on the net on how being cheated upon can affect the betrayed spouse's future relationships. There's not so much on how a cheater's new relationships are affected because of their history of cheating in a previous relationship

 

What i am interested in knowing however is whether any of you have dated someone who had previously cheated in a previous relationship and whether they told you about it and whether they repeated the same while with you?

 

I've dated a cheater. Thought everyone deserves a change/don't let the past be a future indicator/I'm a nice guy why would she do that to me..

 

Two guesses what happened..

 

Also heard she cheated on her next relationship as well.

[Maintenanceman]

 

 

 

 

This is why the saying past behavior is a good indication

of future behavior.

 

 

 

 

This ! I was too taken advantage of this way. She blamed her betrayal on past insecurities, and blamed the one in are relationship on our insecurities

[d0nnivain]

Some people learn from their mistakes. Some don't. Like anything else it depends on the person.

 

I'd get past somebody who cheated in a young teenaged relationship.

 

I'm not so sure I'd get past somebody who cheated on a marriage. Even if I did, I couldn't get past somebody who cheats all the time, like every relationship.

[smackie9]

You are right it's not always black and white and we can talk about this all year long....I know plenty that cheated and never cheated again. So once a cheater isn't always a cheater in every case. d0nnivain is right, some learn from their mistakes, some don't. It depends on the person, their personality, what emotional state they were in at the time, an addiction will lead to poor choices, emotional breakdown from being abused, etc.

[usa1ah]

It would be really hard to trust someone that has cheated in a previous relationship.

[road]

You are right it's not always black and white and we can talk about this all year long....I know plenty that cheated and never cheated again. So once a cheater isn't always a cheater in every case. d0nnivain is right, some learn from their mistakes, some don't. It depends on the person, their personality, what emotional state they were in at the time, an addiction will lead to poor choices, emotional breakdown from being abused, etc.

 

I made a long post and will not try to replace it.

 

If a woman was a 10 in looks, the bedroom, kitchen, and

in everything else I may try to date her depending

on what when where who why and how she cheated.

 

Though I would move real slow, make sure she does not

get pregnant, nor fast engagements nor fast marriages.

 

However she would have to live transparent with me 24/7

for the rest of her life. For actions have consequences.

 

Then as her market desirability drops so would my

willingness to give her a chance.

 

Example I may date a 5 that never cheated but would

most likely pass on a 5 that did cheat.

 

Essentially I would be very leery and she would have to

bring to the table something about her special enough

to make me change my mind.

[elaine567]

It would be really hard to trust someone that has cheated in a previous relationship.

 

The bottom line...

[d0nnivain]

As an aside, how do you come to learn that your new partner cheated in a previous relationship? Is this something people announce? Do you have mutual friends so you heard the gossip? I would think that a cheater would not want the new SO to know about the past. Cheaters are also good at deception so I'm fairly certain that they wouldn't confess.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I dated someone who was shockingly transparent regarding his past. And he did so very early on in our get-to-know-each other phase. He came clean about his very sorted past that produced 4 children with three different women all out of wedlock. He revealed that before one relationship was over, he was already off setting up house with another woman. For a period of 15 years, he admitted to having never been single or without a woman in all that time, jumping from one relationship to another.

 

To say it was a HUGE red flag for me (as well as a turn off) would be the understatement of the century. I wasn't expecting such a candid admission nor the level of transparency and wasn't sure how to really deal with it apart from grill him with seriously hard questions. I made it crystal clear what I thought of his indiscretions and the obvious hesitation moving forward.

 

He claimed his wayward ways had more to do with being young and stupid and selfish, and if he could have done it over again he would have done things very differently.

 

And so I treaded VERY carefully despite everything. As much as I deplore cheating and cheaters, he seemed sincere in his regret regarding his past and spent the last 5-6 years trying to be a better man and an even better father to his children.

 

So I gave him a chance and things were good.

 

Until he started to accuse ME of cheating.

 

An absolutely absurd accusation and one rich with irony that seemingly came out of no where. That's when I realized that as much damage as he's done to the women and children in his life, he too was quite damaged. It was clear he had no real understanding what a healthy happy monogamous relationship looked like and it was the wake up call I needed.

 

 

I'm certain that, although there are cheaters who genuinely have regrets and who've turned themselves around to become wonderful committed partners, there are some who remain broken and damaged themselves in terms of their skewed perspective regarding relationships.

 

At least that's been my experience albeit limited, which is already more than enough for me. Lesson learned and one never to be repeated.

Edited August 22, 2017 by Michelle ma Belle

[elaine567]

It is a line that is crossed and whilst many people will stay firmly behind the line and will not cheat, once that line is crossed I think it is very easy for previous cheaters to cross it again, sooner or later...

[knabe]

I think it does. I wish it didn't. And I think in the case of someone who truly changed it shouldn't. But sadly it does. And not just romantic relationships. Sometimes I think that once anyone - even friends - finds out a person has cheated, they immediately get relegated to that little box. Oh, the box may be softly lined and have a pretty bow...but it's still a box (or prison cell).

[carhill]

My experience has been if the person is attractive people don't care and view each new iteration as a separate and unique experience, as relationships are. In an increasingly mobile and disconnected society, even allowing for the gossip of social media, relationships are likewise mobile and there's always new people to interact with, have relationships with, have sex with and rinse and repeat until death or perhaps one comes along that tickles one's fancy long-term. However if one's attractiveness and social skill and power can't rise above the scorn of the scarlet letter, real or contrived, then it's the abyss. Part of life.

[road]

As an aside, how do you come to learn that your new partner cheated in a previous relationship? Is this something people announce? Do you have mutual friends so you heard the gossip? I would think that a cheater would not want the new SO to know about the past. Cheaters are also good at deception so I'm fairly certain that they wouldn't confess.

 

Some do some do not.

[road]

I dated someone who was shockingly transparent regarding his past. And he did so very early on in our get-to-know-each other phase. He came clean about his very sorted past that produced 4 children with three different women all out of wedlock. He revealed that before one relationship was over, he was already off setting up house with another woman. For a period of 15 years, he admitted to having never been single or without a woman in all that time, jumping from one relationship to another.

 

To say it was a HUGE red flag for me (as well as a turn off) would be the understatement of the century. I wasn't expecting such a candid admission nor the level of transparency and wasn't sure how to really deal with it apart from grill him with seriously hard questions. I made it crystal clear what I thought of his indiscretions and the obvious hesitation moving forward.

 

He claimed his wayward ways had more to do with being young and stupid and selfish, and if he could have done it over again he would have done things very differently.

 

And so I treaded VERY carefully despite everything. As much as I deplore cheating and cheaters, he seemed sincere in his regret regarding his past and spent the last 5-6 years trying to be a better man and an even better father to his children.

 

So I gave him a chance and things were good.

 

Until he started to accuse ME of cheating.

 

An absolutely absurd accusation and one rich with irony that seemingly came out of no where. That's when I realized that as much damage as he's done to the women and children in his life, he too was quite damaged. It was clear he had no real understanding what a healthy happy monogamous relationship looked like and it was the wake up call I needed.

 

 

I'm certain that, although there are cheaters who genuinely have regrets and who've turned themselves around to become wonderful committed partners, there are some who remain broken and damaged themselves in terms of their skewed perspective regarding relationships.

 

At least that's been my experience albeit limited, which is already more than enough for me. Lesson learned and one never to be repeated.

 

He probably at that point was cheating again himself.

WS's/WBF's/WGF's quite often become paranoid that their

partner is cheating on them when they are currently

in an affair themselves.

often

[road]

My experience has been if the person is attractive people don't care and view each new iteration as a separate and unique experience, as relationships are. In an increasingly mobile and disconnected society, even allowing for the gossip of social media, relationships are likewise mobile and there's always new people to interact with, have relationships with, have sex with and rinse and repeat until death or perhaps one comes along that tickles one's fancy long-term. However if one's attractiveness and social skill and power can't rise above the scorn of the scarlet letter, real or contrived, then it's the abyss. Part of life.

 

When you live in a large population area you can

leave your past behind somewhat.

 

Though when the population levels are small

enough it is hard to hide your sins.

 

Though no matter where there will always be

someone desperate enough for a mate, or a cheater

having enough of something to have their cheating

past ignored.

[frigginlost]

It is a line that is crossed and whilst many people will stay firmly behind the line and will not cheat, once that line is crossed I think it is very easy for previous cheaters to cross it again, sooner or later...

 

So much truth in that statement. I firmly believe that anybody who has crossed that line, now has the ability to do so at the drop of a hat. The stigma, etc. goes out the window as what's done is done and since they did it before, they can do it again.

 

I dated a woman who cheated in her marriage. She was incredibly good at lying and covering up. As with all new relationships, you talk about previous ones. The conversation turned to cheating, and while my answer was "no" her answer was "almost". That was a red flag that I absolutely missed. I thought nothing of it, because I really didn't "dig" into it after that.

 

6 months later she cheated on me.

 

Winner of a woman...

[Michelle ma Belle]

He probably at that point was cheating again himself.

WS's/WBF's/WGF's quite often become paranoid that their

partner is cheating on them when they are currently

in an affair themselves.

often

 

I suspected he felt guilty about something HE did or was about to do and even if he wasn't, it was already too much drama for me and I ended it on the spot. I had/have no energy or desire to investigate such matters as some women on here might have done. I don't need to be hit over the head with a frying pan to know when it's time to bail

[knabe]

I'd be very interested in several things:

 

Do they accept full responsibility for their choice?

Did they do inner, personal work to get to the bottom of the weakness that enabled them to choose cheating as a solution to whatever problem they thought was going on?

Did they confess, were they found out, are they still keeping the secret?

What precautions have they put in place to be sure they do not do it again?

Are they still wearing it like a hair shirt, or have they learned and matured and moved on with better tools?

 

The answers to the above would be important to me.

[Space Ritual]

i am interested in knowing however is whether any of you have dated someone who had previously cheated in a previous relationship and whether they told you about it and whether they repeated the same while with you?

 

Yes I dated and fell in love with someone who had cheated

 

Yes they told me about it. But I thought I was different being I knew her better than most as in growing up with her. I did warn her that there would be severe and instant consequences if she ever did it to me. Again, I thought I was different and she would NEVER cross that line.

 

And Yes she cheated on me multiple times with some of my best friends.In fact I walked in on her and my best friend in my own house in my own bed. Remember what I said about "Severe and instant consequences"?

 

That was an understatement.

 

So put me in the category of learning my lesson about continuing in relationships with persons who have a past if infidelity. I no longer go into such relationships.

[Space Ritual]

What precautions have they put in place to be sure they do not do it again?.

 

Yeah that's the question that all of us would like to know. Being nothing is guaranteed, I doubt very much that I would be satisfied with any answer to that question. And I doubt any cheater could answer that with anything but a bunch of promises.

 

It would have to be through constant and recognizable actions.

 

Kind of like the adage: "True Remorse....you'll only know it when you see it".

[Keke1]

Everything is white noise after I find out you cheated. The reason is because it shows weakness in character a selfish person and shows trust isn't a big deal to that person. It takes so many steps to cheat. Talking about it, getting to where it goes down, taking off clothes and then actually performing the act. All that and you didn't think one time to stop.

 

No deals.