New here and devastated...

[mincrafter]

Hi,

 

I am 42 year old man. I found out last ago that my wife has been cheating on me for the last 4 years. I am devastated. I'm suicidal. Can't find a way to get through this.

 

How do you go on knowing your wife was in bed with another man and so frequently for so long? How do you get over the fact that she enjoyed it so much? How do build up yourself again after knowing that you are bested in everything sexually by another man - body, looks, size of organ, money? How do you handle knowing that your wife can't gurantee you that your sex life will ever be as good as she had with another man (she says she doesn't want what she had with that guy but we can rebuild a different kind of intimacy for us which will be new)

 

I have not been able to touch her at all this week. Hell, I can't even look at her. I feel like a fool for crying so much. I have not been to work at all but I need to go tomorrow. How do I face people and nobody sees the devastation on my face?

[GoldenR]

Very sorry that you are here, brother.

 

How did you find out?

[mincrafter]

I was not looking for anything. I had no idea this was happening for the last 4 years (more than 4, 51 months to be exact). I trusted her so much.

 

I got up at midnight and found that my phone had died. I took wife's phone to check the time. I saw a message notification with "xxx I love you too". I got curious. And then I checked through them all. It was gut wrenching. The wind was knocked out of me. I go to the computer to check the emails. All the gory and explicit details are there. There was no denying what I saw. Pictures, videos. All of them. I felt chest pains. I woke up my wife and confronted her. She tried denying it. But quickly understood I was not getting fooled. She admitted.

 

He had even come at our house when I was not here. ****ed her in my own bed. ****! **** ****! Oh God!

[Doorstopper]

I'm sorry to hear of your pain. Being a summer weekend, its possible that you won't hear from many posters until tomorrow. Hang in there. Many here have experienced what you are going through, to one degree or another.

 

If you really think you are suicidal and have gotten to the point of having a plan to end your life, call 911 immediately. Virtually all of us, who have caught our spouses in an affair, have had a sense of despair and hopelessness, but i can assure you, that you can and will recover, with or without your wife.

 

A couple of things to expect:

 

1. Your wife is likely still lying to you. It's called trickle truth. They only admit to what you already know in hopes that you don't find out additional things.

 

2. Even if your wife eventually is remorseful, she will likely still contact the other man over the next several days, and perhaps longer. this is true even if she says it is over, and she will never speak to him again. Its called the "affair fog". The things that she has done, have not yet fully sunk in. Others may give a better explanation.

 

3. The affair is her fault. Even if you marriage was not perfect and you had drifted apart. Each spouse is responsible for 50% of the marriage, whether its great or poor, but the affair is 100% on the spouse who cheats.

 

Finally, take everything you read here and decide on its relevance to your situation. The choice to divorce or reconcile is yours. Only you know your situation and the info and details you may provide are only a snapshot of your relationship. 4 years is a long affair. Recovery is not quick. I'm almost at 2 years and not quite there yet. 2-5 years is typical. Divorce gets rid of your wife, but not your feelings about what happened. So you will have a lot to think about.

Edited August 20, 2017 by Doorstopper

[BaileyB]

I'm very sorry that you find yourself in this situation. It's good that you are here, you will find lots of support from the posters here.

 

My best advice, you are still reeling with the shock of your discovery and the betrayal. You need more time to settle down. Don't make any decisions now except maybe to ask her to leave if you are not able to cope with her being in the house. You have time to get the truth from your wife and make decisions about your marriage... The biggest decision being whether you want to stay married to this woman.

 

If you are suicidal, seek medical attention.

[Marc878]

Do not let her control you or this situation.

 

Without any warning inform the other mans wife immediately.

 

That's your first step no matter what.

 

Do not tell your wife just do it. ASAP

[pheonixrisen]

Sorry you are going through this .

 

You will get through 1 day at a time for now ..i know my h was in 2 year affair and I had no clue .

 

It's overwhelming

 

Tell the affair partner wife ...if he has one .bring the affair out in the open as these thrive in secrecy .

Reconciliation can only start with a spouse that's remorseful ...a wife that boast how it was great and we cannot have it that good but can have different is not a remorseful one .throw her out of the house or at the very least move her to another bedroom ....crying being pitiful in front of her is not going to make her see she has done you wrong ...you are going to come across as weak a person she can take more advantage of .

[Darren Steez]

Can't find a way to get through this.

 

 

You will, in time, things are raw now but maybe you need some space away from her to cool down, maybe check in with a friend or even better boot her out the house for a bit.

 

 

How do you go on knowing your wife was in bed with another man and so frequently for so long? How do you get over the fact that she enjoyed it so much?

 

You have all the harsh facts, you're probably better off than 75% of those cheated on who don't know all the details right away. No matter which way you cut it, it's going to sting and hurt like hell.

 

How do build up yourself again after knowing that you are bested in everything sexually by another man - body, looks, size of organ, money? How do you handle knowing that your wife can't gurantee you that your sex life will ever be as good as she had with another man (she says she doesn't want what she had with that guy but we can rebuild a different kind of intimacy for us which will be new)

 

Yeah if she said that nonsense she'd get the hook straight away, it's like saying she has a special intimacy with someone but will settle for something else with you. Shows how broken she is and quite frankly she's being a jerk.

 

I'd bin her and get a shiny new version. If her OM was that spectacular why isn't she with him?

 

Don't be plan B, boot her out, she's not worth it.

[WilyWill]

Do not let one broken person define your masculinity. There are billions of women in the world. Many of them would love you passionately and exclusively. You are a good, faithful man who would be a hot commodity on the open market.

 

Your wife is a broken person who craves attention and affirmation from other men. So much so that she thought very little about what this would do to you. She brought him into your bed and then let you sleep there the same night, without blinking. She is sick. Derive your sense of self-worth from people who are healthy, normal, and kindhearted. Your wife is none of these.

 

Four years is a long time. I'd be inclined to cut her loose and watch as her lover rejects her.

[dichotomy]

Hi,

 

How do you go on knowing your wife was in bed with another man and so frequently for so long? How do you get over the fact that she enjoyed it so much? How do build up yourself again after knowing that you are bested in everything sexually by another man - body, looks, size of organ, money? How do you handle knowing that your wife can't gurantee you that your sex life will ever be as good as she had with another man (she says she doesn't want what she had with that guy but we can rebuild a different kind of intimacy for us which will be new)

 

 

Been there brother - twice - similar but slightly different.

 

Let me ask you some questions things I thought about..

 

Why did she stay with you if this other man was so great? Why did OM not marry her ? I mean they are so awesome together ....

 

You a virgin when married ? Had other women before hand. What about if your single and date....think you might experience women who had better body parts then your wife? Better at sex (or some part of sex?)....

 

Why are you staying with her ? This wont get better - 1) You turn around and become more secure and confident in yourself (not other man or wife dependent)...and 2) Your wife gets on her hands and knees to fix things.

 

Forgetting your wife - or other man - do you as a man think there are ways you can grow, learn new things, work out, eat better, try new adventurers ? Why not start a new page in your life ?

 

Do you think all men with bigger dicks are better lovers - sure maybe a number of women like that - but plenty of women like other women (lesbian or bisexual) and there is no issue there . Sex is a chemistry thing - a mind thing just as well as a body thing.

 

Is it about money - or about what you contribute to your community, profession, or world ? Can money buy respect ?

[QuietDan]

There is more to your life and you than your current wife. Take care of yourself. There are other woman in this world who would not have cheated. Your wife is not who you thought she was. Realize, you are going through a grieving process. From what you mentioned so far, this sounds a lot like this will be a deal breaker for you. 4 years, is a life style choice. Your wife was in an open marraige without your knowledge or your consent. Pretty much, she invested a great deal of time, emotional energy, and likely, money, instead of investing in your relationship. She committed relationship fraud and theft. Regarding your concerns about physical compatibility. Vaginas come in different sizes and shapes as well. So, are you to small?? Or, is she too big and loose? For some women in this world, you are more than enough. As it is... This issue, since it has been introduced as a concern, amongst other issues, will more than likely persist as long as the relationship continues. It usually takes at least 2 to 5 years of a great deal of emotional turmoil before a relationship begins to really restabalize and starts to normalize. Due to the extensive nature of the betrayal in this case, 5 years is probably the earliest best case scenario. This will always be there between the two of you from now in out.

Think of this as an opportunity to change course in life and find a new direction.

[QuietDan]

Get tested for STD's.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Mincrafter, I should think all the good folk on here will empathize with you. Your wife has dealt you a deadly blow from which it will be difficult for you to recover. If you read through this forum you will see that it is next to impossible for men to overcome the kind of disrespect your wife has shown you. After your initial emotions are more in check you will be besieged with what are known as 'Mind movies' which will assail you unexpectedly at all times of night and day. Four years is a long time and your marriage sea irrecoverable.

 

Others have given you good advice. First ask your wife to leave the house so that you do not have to face her on a daily basis. She can go live with her parents, some sibling or a good friend. Next get into counselling to help you cope with your emotional turmoil. Thirdly, inform the OM's wife( if there is one). Fourth, contact a lawyer and find out your rights in the event of a divorce. Does your wife work? If she does then the financial burden on you may be less than if she is a stay at home wife. Do you have children? If so you will have to think of their welfare. Talk to friends and try and get your mind off things at home. Warm wishes.

[lolablue17]

Few things...

 

1. Do not underestimate yourself because of your wife's bad choices. She's the one who has been lying, cheating, decepting, hurting, breaking vows, not you. You ar OK. You're the one who is reliable, stable, trustful, honest... All the things she isn't. She is the one who should feel insecure now, because of her bad character, bad choices, bad bad bad...

 

2. It's your ego that has crashed. She took control. Now it's time for you to take control. For many people there is only one ay to regain control - to file for divorce. I'm one of them. I know that ego means a lot tome, and I know I couldn't have lived with a broken ego for too long. Remember - Rebuilding ego after that kind of cheating takes years. Knowing it's too long for me, I wouldn't even try.

 

I know other people who managed to reconcile. It took years of pain and suffering. And I know people who tried, got the hard time, and eventually it didn't work, so years of their pain was for nothing.

 

That is why I wouldn't waste my time on this. I would have put her in my persona non grante" list and looking forward, trying to put everything behind me. Not my fault, not my punishment, let her be someone else's problem. I would have stopped talking to her, only thing that are necessary (children and so)

 

You don't have to decide immediately, and you have the right to change your mind many times.

[Bufo]

Four years that you know of. A very high hurdle to jump. Four years is essentially a whole other life hidden from you.

 

Make no promises to her. Don't discuss reconciliation beyond telling her what she needs to do for you to CONSIDER reconciliation. Promises and tears mean nothing from a proven liar. And she is a proven liar unless the two of you were living separately with no communication between you. Read and heed the advice here about reconciliation requirements

 

Do see your doctor if you have trouble sleeping, with anxiety, trouble eating. Don't drink alcohol. It won't help.

 

You may divorce. See an attorney so you get a picture of what the divorce process is and what your post divorce life will be like. Knowledge is power and will guard you against her threats of ruining you one way or another should divorce be started. For some, infidelity is a deal breaker despite efforts at reconciliation. Be prepared.

 

Learn the difference between regret and remorse. Without remorse there is little chance of reconciliation.

 

And never forget that your goal is to get out of infidelity. Whether that means reconciliation or divorce cannot be determined yet. But WW will either make the many changes necessary for R or she won't. Look at her behavior, not her words.

 

Individual counseling (not joint marriage counseling) is a must for her and optional for you if you attempt R. Marriage counseling now is a waste of time and money.

 

Lecture over for today.

[Superchicken]

Hey mincrafter.

 

 

Firstly, your not the first, nor the last to get cheated on.

But, know that most of the guys and gals here, were in exactly the same situation as you.

They are doing much better now, and so many are in better relationships now.

 

 

As a few posters said, you need to now, take control of everything.

Rather than wing it when you speak to your "Future ex", write down what you need in terms of info, dates, time, what ever you need to know to start to grind the path ahead.

 

 

Personally, if I was you, its over.. I would start divorce. No ifs, buts, nada !.

If she came clean and admitted, you may have had a chance. But, holly smokes, 4 years !, and you found out.. It may have gone on for ever.

No, its over.. However, I'm not you, and your views may differ.

But, in the end, do you want to go through life looking at her, and always seeing her getting done over, and over and over by this other guy.

Then, you also need to think, is he the only guy ?. Will there be others in the future ?.

 

 

At the least, leave, and restart over, and in the future, if you ever decide to try again, you can try then. But till then, retreat, and gather your strength to fight another day.

If it works for the military, let it work for you.

 

 

And when you do come back, come back with all guns blazing..

 

 

Remember, you need to take, and be in control from this point on.

 

 

Good luck..

 

 

Ted.

[Trtroles]

How do you heal you ask?

Divorce her because you are never going to be the man you used to be or your wife wants you to be.

 

4 years is too long.

[reboot]

It's very, very unlikely that it's over between them. Let than sink in.

[NotCamelot]

If her AP has a wife, contact her immediately and tell everything. Be prepared to show evidence. Most likely, she will not believe you at first. With this going on for 4 years, she is probably as in the dark as you were.

 

 

It will be a little revenge. But, more importantly, his wife deserves to know the truth.

 

 

Since your W is trying to cling to you at this point, the AP probably is not free to "run to". So, he helped to destroy your life, why not return the favor? Regardless of whether you try to salvage your M or not, at least you can burst the bubble they are living in. There is no reason he should get away with no damage from fall out. Sure, his W will be hurt, that is bad, but she should get to know the truth about the scum she is married to.

 

 

Be sure to hold onto all the evidence you found, make copies. At some point, someday, hopefully you can destroy it all. But for now, you may need it.

 

 

And, all her comments telling him he was better, bigger, etc., may have all been lies as well. Surely she told him what it would take to feed his ego. So, don't dwell on that crap, as tough as it is to ignore.

 

 

In the meantime: EAT, SLEEP, WORK. It is common for our health to take a hit when this thing happens. Hell, I lost 30 pounds in 3 weeks. Take care of YOU.

[jenkins95]

Four years that you know of. A very high hurdle to jump. Four years is essentially a whole other life hidden from you.

 

Make no promises to her. Don't discuss reconciliation beyond telling her what she needs to do for you to CONSIDER reconciliation. Promises and tears mean nothing from a proven liar. And she is a proven liar unless the two of you were living separately with no communication between you. Read and heed the advice here about reconciliation requirements

 

Do see your doctor if you have trouble sleeping, with anxiety, trouble eating. Don't drink alcohol. It won't help.

 

You may divorce. See an attorney so you get a picture of what the divorce process is and what your post divorce life will be like. Knowledge is power and will guard you against her threats of ruining you one way or another should divorce be started. For some, infidelity is a deal breaker despite efforts at reconciliation. Be prepared.

 

Learn the difference between regret and remorse. Without remorse there is little chance of reconciliation.

 

And never forget that your goal is to get out of infidelity. Whether that means reconciliation or divorce cannot be determined yet. But WW will either make the many changes necessary for R or she won't. Look at her behavior, not her words.

 

Individual counseling (not joint marriage counseling) is a must for her and optional for you if you attempt R. Marriage counseling now is a waste of time and money.

 

Lecture over for today.

 

(((mincrafter))) Wow, this is a tough one. I'm so sorry that you are here. It's great that you have already had some brilliant responses from our excellent members, most who speak from very painful experience.

 

I was a cheater once. My A ended 2 years ago and we are now reconciling. I am normally one of the strongest advocates for reconciliation because, as a cheater, that's the path my wife and I chose to take, and it’s going well. But Jeez - 4 years and you had no clue? That is a very tough one and hard to see a clear path back. As a former cheater knowing the paranoia and stress that living a double life causes, I am amazed that she could keep it going this long without some kind of breakdown. Mine last a little over a year and my nerves were shot to pieces. I don’t think I could have done it for any longer and I did indeed have a breakdown at the end – even lost my job. If the A has been going on this long and they have been declaring love...for years...it also begs the question as to why they haven't made moves to be together? Do you know why this is? Is the AP married? Do you have kids? Does the AP?

 

One thing I would say as a former cheater is that reconciliation can work, but you both have to want it. But the difficulty here is that however despicable her behaviour has been, she is not a robot and will not immediately be able to start behaving exactly as she should and exactly as you need her too. If you really want to give reconciliation a chance, unfair though this is, you may have to allow a little time for her to get her head out of her a*s. For me, my head was all over the place just after D-day. I felt terrible, I felt regret (see the bolded comment from Bufo's post - this is key), I felt sorry for myself, I missed the A...and somewhere in there I realised I'd caused pain to my wife and felt sorry for that too. But it was just one of many things I felt bad about.

 

But, I had no idea of the damage I'd done to my wife. At first, I felt just as sorry for myself as I did for her. Whilst I didn't justify the affair, I did try to explain it away as something that "happened to me" rather than being something that I was the chief architect of. I also thought that it would just "blow over" if I just kept a low profile and said sorry. No no no - this won't do and I learned that!

 

Eventually it took my wife telling me that if I didn’t WANT reconciliation then I was to get out of the house. She would not stand in my way and would not make a D difficult for me and I was free to leave right then and there. She had been too easy on me before this, and had tried to understand and accommodate my pain as well as hers. But on this day, she had reached her limit and wasn't going to take it anymore, SHE was the injured party, SHE was the one who'd been cheated and betrayed and SHE was the one who was going to call the shots.

 

I admired her so much for this and that was the day I pulled my head out of my a*s. My own pain paled into insignificance compared to hers and I now I had an idea of the damage I had done and the hard work I needed to put in to show I wanted this marriage as much as she did. R in earnest started that day – regret turned into genuine remorse.

 

But, it took 3 months of ambivalence to get there partly because she went too easy on me at the start and didn’t show me the full extent of her pain. Until I really saw the damage I’d done and what R meant. I am lucky my wife remained patient for so long - and by the way, our marriage is going really well now.

 

All I am saying is that SHE is a complete mess right now, as well as you, and even though it is all her fault, she probably has no idea of the damage she has done yet and what she needs to do to start putting things right. You need to show her just exactly how destroyed you are and what you need from her in order for her to get her head out of her a*s as soon as possible. Nip her ambivalence in the bud by showing her what you need from her and maybe accept that it will take her a few days to fully understand it. Some BS cut to the chase by serving divorce papers. They don't necessarily intend to divorce and can cancel the papers later, but being served can shock the WS out of their fog very quickly.

 

I wish you nothing but the best mincrafter. You are amongst friends here. Keep posting. x

Edited August 21, 2017 by jenkins95

[Betrayed&Stayed]

How do you go on knowing your wife was in bed with another man and so frequently for so long? How do you get over the fact that she enjoyed it so much?

 

You divorce her ASAP! I don't see any way to bounce back after a 4-year affair. That's 4 Christmas's, 4 New Year's Eve's, 4 V-Days, 4 wedding anniversary celebrations, etc. She had 51 months to make the decision to end her affair; each time she chose him.

 

4 years and you didn't have a clue? That would make her a sociopath. Who can do that for 4 years and go on as normal wife? When my wife was having an affair it was tearing up inside and her behavior changed drastically. Not your wife. Most BSs know that something is going on; they just don't figure it to be an affair.

 

Think about this... if your phone didn't die in the middle of the night, it would go on for another 4 years! Let that sink in.

Edited August 21, 2017 by Betrayed&Stayed

[jenkins95]

When my wife was having an affair it was tearing up inside and her behavior changed drastically. Not your wife. Most BSs know that something is going on; they just don't figure it to be an affair.

 

Yes. This is a tough one. As I said in my post, I had a breakdown due to my own affair. The paranoia, stress and the knowledge that I was doing a very bad thing ate away at me. I also became a very different person at home - was quiet, distant, removed, uninterested and very secretive. My wife noticed this and we talked and argued about it. But she didn't think that it was an affair - she trusted me too much She put it down to over-work, depression and various other things. I just let her belive this...until D-day blew it all open.

 

 

Think about this... if your phone didn't die in the middle of the night, it would go on for another 4 years! Let that sink in.

 

The phone is another thing that is quite astonishing. My phone and email was permanently locked and guarded by me like a bank vault during the A, and yet you could get into her phone and her email the first time you tried? I'm absoltuely amazed that she didn't lock them down. I guess this shows how confident and entitled she'd become about the affair and how normal it became for her to lead a double life.

 

I still say that R is possible, but this is going to be a very hard one and she is going to have to move mountains to show you that she wants it and is prepared to do the hard work...and she needs to start very soon.

 

I truly hope you all the best mincrafter. Stay with us here. You're not the first and you won't be the last that this has happened to. You will be OK and we are here with you to support you.

[stillafool]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. If you read around this board you will see that you are not alone. Quite a lot of women are having affairs these days. I don't think this is something you will be able to get over given it was a 4 year affair, having sex at your house, in your bed. I'm sure you are wondering what type of ------ you were married to. Now you know every time she opens her mouth she is lying. She is not going to get over a 4 year affair right away no matter what she promises you. They will take the affair underground now that you know. Tell his wife so she will know and OM will throw your wife under the next bus running so fast her head will spin. Make sure you eat, drink plenty of fluids and stay away from drugs and alcohol. You have a rough road ahead of you and you would be wise to talk to an attorney to get your ducks in a row. Do you have children?

[harrybrown]

is she still in contact with the OM?

 

Most likely she is still in contact.

 

Did she get tested for stds?

 

Be sure to expose, expose and expose.

 

Does she work with him? you will not get over this.

 

She murdered your marriage. It is a corpse.

 

In your bed, she hates you.

 

Tell her to go to the OM now. Just leave.

 

Do you have kids?

[Cephalopod]

I'm with the others. There is no saving this. Divorce her. Send your paycheck to a new checking account under your name, cancel all joint credit cards and go see a lawyer this week. Go see three lawyers. First time consultations are usually free. Find out what you are up against legally.

 

 

She stole four years of your life. She spent probably thousands of dollars of your joint monies to pursue and maintain an affair with this man. She defiled your marital bed.

 

 

She is a cheater, a liar, a thief and a betrayer.

 

 

What is there to save? Empower yourself by taking control of the situation and educating yourself as to the legal facts of your situation. Knowledge is power.

 

 

Burn that bed and ask her to leave.