New here and devastated...

[merrmeade]

Hey mincrafter, I am so sorry you are going through this awfulness. Know that most of us who say this to you have been through the same life-altering shock, grief and fury. You'll be in shock for a while and there's not a damn thing to do about. Don't stop the feelings but let them roll as they come while you write, read and learn more than you could imagine there was to know about people you thought you knew, about your past and about yourself, all wrenching but unavoidable, necessary.

 

That said, from my perspective (as one who stayed with my WS despite horrific circumstances accompanyng his infidelities) you will heal faster, better if you throw her out and start over. In my opinion, the nature and time frame of your wife's betrayal would take more from you than you could ever recover if you tried, regardless of her remorse.

 

The bad faith on her part is HUGE. Hiding a deep emotional AND physical affair for four years requires a refined, practiced system of duplicity that few could or should consider trying to forgive. It's not like any other tragedy because of the confusion if her deception continues or devolves into continued obfuscation or lack of forthrightness (trckle truth).

 

I hope you'll see a lawyer asap and get your affairs in order.

Edited August 21, 2017 by merrmeade

[Bryanp]

1. She was in a sexual affair for 4 years.

2. For 4 years she put your health at risk for STD's.

3. She brought the OM into your home for sex.

4. She brought the OM into your home and into your bed for sex. This is hugely significant and symbolic. This shows the ultimate in disrespect toward you and your marriage.

 

Why in the world would you wish to remain in this marriage? If the roles were reversed do you think she would have accepted this?

 

If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[mincrafter]

God how I went about work only he knows. I needed to go to the washroom so many time to hide my breakdowns. Sometimes it felt like I couldn't breathe. And it hurt in my chest. Never have felt such awful my entire life.

 

I see so many responses and I'm glad that people think I will get OK as time passes. I really really want to get back to normal. But I know there is no normal anymore, normal as I knew it. I can't sleep. I laid awake all night thinking about what I saw and heard. While she slept peacefully? How could she? I smoked 12 cigarettes the entire night.

 

But I must admit I'm overwhelmed with all the responses of throwing her out. Even after last week, I haven't got around to thinking about it? Is that right? Someone here said earlier, even if we divorce, the feelings of betrayal will still be with me. And when I think about it he may be right. So what is the way?

 

Do I want to reconcile then? Haven't thought about that either. I can't even think of anything except the vile images that pop up in my head, the humiliation of being discussed by my wife to another man, being mocked and made fun of (she says they never did that, infact she would highlight the good things I did for her at the time. Then why? Why? Why you did this to me?

 

I am a mess, I loved her so so much. I am still loving her. I trusted her. Yes, I was the idiot who never saw any signs, never questioned her movement, never checked who she talked to on the phone before this? Why should I? Everything was normal. She was affectionate, kind, loving to me (or what I believed to be affection, kindness and love from her). Our sex life had dwindled a bit because isn't that what happens after 19 years together (the A started when we were married over 12 years and 3 years before that). Which couple has sex more than once a week after 19 years? We have 2 children, we have jobs, we have responsibilities. But isn't it what makes marriage? A partnership? Or sex is more important? God, I'm rambling

 

She has destroyed everything I valued in our family yet when she is crying I'm holding her. Can you believe that? What must she think of me? What must you all think of me for saying that? Thats been who I am. I can't see her in distress even when she has betrayed me so deeply. I just can't help myself

 

I think you guys are right. I need a therapist for this. I'm a mess

[mincrafter]

Goodness me? STD? I didn't think about that. It was completely out of my mind.

 

Background - We have 2 children. One boy. One girl. Pre teens both of them.

 

As for the him, he is divorced. So there goes my vengeance plan to inform his wife. He is a friend of the husband of my wife's friend. They met in social gathering. I can't even inform there without humiliating myself. I would be viewed as the cuckold and ridiculed.

 

Can you guys understand how helpless and weak this makes me feel? My wife is doing "charity" on me by suggesting that she will never again be in the presence of the group when he is there. And if necessary she will inform her close friends for she can't be in his presence. I was nearly about to hit her for this. How dare she? She makes a mockery of me for 4 years with another man and now she wants to humiliate in public?

Edited August 21, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[NotCamelot]

Can you guys understand how helpless and weak this makes me feel? My wife is doing "charity" on me by suggesting that she will never again be in the presence of the group when he is there. And if necessary she will inform her close friends for she can't be in his presence. I was nearly about to hit her for this. How dare she? She makes a mockery of me for 4 years with another man and now she wants to humiliate in public?

 

Yes, we do understand. I can say, "been there, done that". You will survive IF you keep your head on your shoulders - regardless of how hard that may be.

 

 

Everything, 100% of it, that you are feeling is completely normal after betrayal. It hurts like Hell. How could she???? I know, WE know.

 

 

Coming here to Loveshack gives you someone to "talk" to....and that helped me a lot. You need to schedule counseling - quickly! This is so new and fresh.....and it will take a long, long time before you feel better. And, you have a right to hurt because you did not cause this. There is nothing you could have done to give her the right to betray you. Remember that. It is all on her.

 

 

( I would destroy that bed tonight! Sorry, if that is inappropriate, but I would not put my body on that bed ever again. )

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Everything, 100% of it, that you are feeling is completely normal after betrayal. It hurts like Hell. How could she???? I know, WE know.

 

 

 

Totally agree with this. OP, you are not weak, you are not a cuckold, you are not an idiot. You are reacting in a very normal and typical way to betrayal because betrayal HURTS.

 

Your job right now is to not pressure yourself to make any decisions today, next week, or even next month. As the shock begins to wear off, the path you and your family should take will become more clear. There are no rules so there is no need to rush into any decision (i.e. leaving).

 

You are going to have to accept the fact that the ONLY thing you can do right now that makes any sense is resolve to take it one day at a time and TRUST US, it WILL get better. Will it ever be awesome? Nope. But it will get a WHOLE lot better than it is today.

[BaileyB]

You are not cuckhold, you did not know and you did not consent to this relationship. You were betrayed.

 

You bear no fault, no responsibility, and no guilt for this affair. It was her decision, her choice to have sex with another man. Remember that.

[Buckeye2]

I laid awake all night thinking about what I saw and heard. While she slept peacefully? How could she? I smoked 12 cigarettes the entire night.

 

The reason that your wife had no problem sleeping is that she knew exactly what was going on for the entire four years. This is all new to you.

 

She’s used to the idea plus she has all the pieces of the puzzle. The only pieces you have are what you discover on your own and what she decides to tell you. You will never know if you have it all.

 

Plus she made the decision to cheat. It’s called self selection. For example the group of people that donate blood tend to be nicer people than the general population. Likewise as a group people who cheat don’t see it as a big deal. The bigger deal it is to you the less likely you are to cheat.

[Buckeye2]

There was no denying what I saw. Pictures, videos. All of them.

 

She obviously saw nothing at all wrong with having sex with the OM. That’s why she could act so normal. You take videos of your family vacation because you want to relive the happy times. You don’t take videos of things that you're ashamed of and guilty about because you don’t want to relive them.

 

Someday your wife might be guilty about how she hurt you but she will never be guilty about the sex. My proof is four years of acting normal and taking video.

 

My analogy is someone that grew up eating pork and then converts to a religion where it’s a sin. If caught they will feel bad about disappointing and hurting people. They know that they broke the rules. But they will never ever feel guilty for enjoying a little bacon on a gut level.

[Air2jjs]

Very very sorry this happened to you. This pain is the worst.

 

Keep yourself safe

[Buckeye2]

Which couple has sex more than once a week after 19 years? We have 2 children, we have jobs, we have responsibilities. But isn't it what makes marriage? A partnership? Or sex is more important?

 

Sex with your husband isn’t forbidden or naughty. Plus a complement from a stranger has more impact that from your husband. For example let’s say that your mom went you to your high school football game and told you that you played great. A stranger at the game said the same thing. Which would have more impact, your mom or the stranger?

 

Search for a TED TALK by Helen Fisher: Why We Love Why We Cheat. I think it will help you. Bottom line, there is nothing wrong with you.

[lolablue17]

Hey, hold your horses... what happened to you is not the worst. No one died, no one is suvierly ill, no nuclear war has started (yet).

 

What happened is that your wife smashed and distroyed your marriage. It has nothing to do with you, and sorry to disappoint you, it also has very little to do with the OM.

 

My long long experience taught me that in most cases in order to actually cheat, you need to first bring yourself to the stage where you are able and willing to cheat. When that point comes, you just grab the opportunity that suits you at that times. The identity of the OM is usually related to timing.

 

It's not you, it's not him. It's her. And her offer to tell everyone that she cannot come when he is there, shows that she has no sensitivity to your pain. She just tries to minimize her limitations, and basically tries to trade with some gestures, to pretend she is willing to do everything, while the truth is that she is willing to do only the minimum she may think is nessessarily to keep you. Not even one step more to that.

 

She is the one who should feel humiliated. make a test. Tell her to never meet any of the people in that group from now on, even if he is not there. To cut all of them. Why? because it will help you heal faster. See her reaction.

[mincrafter]

Sex with your husband isn’t forbidden or naughty. Plus a complement from a stranger has more impact that from your husband. For example let’s say that your mom went you to your high school football game and told you that you played great. A stranger at the game said the same thing. Which would have more impact, your mom or the stranger?

 

Search for a TED TALK by Helen Fisher: Why We Love Why We Cheat. I think it will help you. Bottom line, there is nothing wrong with you.

 

So I care nothing? Feel nothing? It maybe easy for you to do so but not to me. And with your analogy of changing religion, do you even know how you sound? I'm dying here and you discussing theology with me? Don't even bother replying anymore

[mincrafter]

You are not cuckhold, you did not know and you did not consent to this relationship. You were betrayed.

 

You bear no fault, no responsibility, and no guilt for this affair. It was her decision, her choice to have sex with another man. Remember that.

 

Thank you for this so much!

 

I am so filled with doubts. Constantly wondering what I did wrong? I saw a facebook post last week that said "The problem with wrong words is that it makes people love you a little less" So was it me that drove her away with wrong words? I keep looking at all the pictures in my houses of our time together and wonder did they mean nothing to her?

 

Its soothing to hear from so many that its not my fault. Thank you so much!!

[mincrafter]

Totally agree with this. OP, you are not weak, you are not a cuckold, you are not an idiot. You are reacting in a very normal and typical way to betrayal because betrayal HURTS.

 

Your job right now is to not pressure yourself to make any decisions today, next week, or even next month. As the shock begins to wear off, the path you and your family should take will become more clear. There are no rules so there is no need to rush into any decision (i.e. leaving).

 

You are going to have to accept the fact that the ONLY thing you can do right now that makes any sense is resolve to take it one day at a time and TRUST US, it WILL get better. Will it ever be awesome? Nope. But it will get a WHOLE lot better than it is today.

 

Thank you so much. I so much want it to be better. This pain is unbearable. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I almost feel a pain in my chest. I am having a lump in my throat all the time. I am in no position to make any decision right now. Its too much. All of this.

 

But even in all of this the best thing I have done is not sleep on that bed anymore. And after getting the advise to throw it out, I just did it and came to inform about it here.

[dichotomy]

First marriage betrayal was more emotionally disturbing - on a short term basis - than cancer. I was so messed up - more or less lost my job over it. Was in a therapists office 1-2 times a week- breakdowns sitting on the floor of my therapists office. On the phone with my dad daily. So bad. I got over it 1.5 years after the divorce.

 

Second time was not nearly as bad. Just angry and depressed - continues to this day because I stayed.

 

If it ever happens again I will shrug my shoulders and move on.

 

But the first time - so hurtful and destructive to my emotional and mental state.

 

Hang in there.

Edited August 21, 2017 by dichotomy

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

First marriage betrayal was more emotionally disturbing - on a short term basis - than cancer. I was so messed up - more or less lost my job over it. Was in a therapists office 1-2 times a week- breakdowns sitting on the floor of my therapists office. On the phone with my dad daily. So bad. I got over it 1.5 years after the divorce.

 

Second time was not nearly as bad. Just angry and depressed - continues to this day because I stayed.

 

If it ever happens again I will shrug my shoulders and move on.

 

But the first time - so hurtful and destructive to my emotional and mental state.

 

Hang in there.

 

Mine was kindof the other way around because it was with the same person. Invested so much more emotionally into our reconciliation than I should have and it was totally gut wrenching and almost destroyed me.

 

I kinda feel like you do now about shrugging my shoulders, but not so sure that's necessarily a good thing. I mean, I have come to a place where "trust" to me means trusting myself that I can get through anything, so I do know I'd be fine, but I also wonder if it keeps me from true intimacy.

[sandylee1]

When a cheating spouse sleeps so peacefully after dday, I think it means they aren't that worried you'll be leaving.... Or that if you do, it's no big loss.

 

I'd be besides myself and unable to sleep, in her shoes.

 

I'm not sensing that she's worried you'll divorce her and just expects you to work through this? Why is that? Why doesn't she think it's a possibility and feels she deserves a gold medal for offering not to be in his company in the group.

 

Has she begged, pleaded, got on her knees? Cried at the hurt she's caused you?

 

Maybe some of her friends already know about it. I'd be surprised if nobody else knew after 4 years.

 

The OM is divorced, so she's free to be with him... What stopped her?

 

Or was she happy with you for a stable home life and also happy to have a lover on the side.

 

4 whole years. That's brutal. Your marriage will never be the same again. How could you trust or believe anything she says again.

 

Having a separation to get space is a good idea. She can leave.

 

And get her to buy a new bed.

[MJJean]

I was a WW in my first marriage. I met OMs through gatherings here and there. People knew and people talk.

 

You said you fear public exposure of the affair because you'd feel humiliated if others knew. She's had a four year affair with the friend of her friends husband. I can damn near guarantee the friend, her husband, and some of that social group already know either because they were told, have seen inappropriate behavior, or just picked up on it.

 

If you want my advice, tell your wife the friend AND that whole group have to go. Trust me, they knew and aren't friends of yours or your marriage. NC with the whole lot if you want to reconcile.

[Southern Sun]

OP, think twice before you respond with such anger. I've only seen people post to your thread who want to help you. I can't figure out why you lashed out at certain poster(s). It almost makes me think you knew them. Or thought you did.

 

I am also a fWW. I have to think that, after four years, she got complacent. She left her phone out, unprotected, not even thinking about you possibly picking it up. Things were too easy and rote.

 

It's interesting that her OM is divorced, and yet she's made no move to be with him. It's quite common for women in affairs to fall in love with their APs. It's not always the case, but often it is. Women are more likely to want to leave their Ms. Here your wife has few barriers to leaving...that we can see, of course. I believe you did say you have pre-teens? You said he has more money. But we don't know if he wanted her. So 1) she was quite happy with having you both and didn't want to change that (there might be things she loves about him, but other things she questions; and then there are things she loves about you that he doesn't have...the typical cake-eating scenario); 2) she was biding her time until the children were of a certain age and THEN she was planning to go; or 3) he didn't want the burden of her in a real relationship and was just enjoying the affair.

 

You say you read some things in an email account. Did you get any insight into their plans? Were there any?

 

Jenkins mentioned how stressful affairs are. They are quite stressful and cause a lot of anxiety to pull off. I am wondering what sort of lifestyle she had that allowed her to pull of such deception. But the thing is, for certain types of people, their consciences get dull after a time. They rationalize what they are doing. And it just becomes more "normal" and less anxiety-ridden. Four years of that becomes "life."

 

If you do want to reconcile, that lifestyle will have to completely change.

 

I too am highly doubtful that she has ended the affair. A long-term relationship rarely ends in the blink of an eye. In truth, if you want reconciliation with her, you need to give her the space to be honest with you about this. You need to be able to work together. And she won't want to work "with you" if you are falling apart and freaking out.

 

I don't know what to tell you to do. Unless this relationship has run its course naturally, I would be hesitant to believe it's going to end. She will really have to get her head screwed on straight, and you will have to really be able to "take it" for you guys to be remotely okay. And that is only the beginning. It's possible. But it's extraordinarily difficult.

[WilyWill]

So your wife emasculates you, leaves you shaking and crying in the bathroom at work, and brings you to thoughts of suicide. And after all this, she sleeps like a baby at night. Says a lot about her character.

 

Frankly, SHE DOES NOT DESERVE YOU. It's not YOU that is less of a man. It is HER who is less of a woman. Less of a wife. Less of a mother. Do not forget this.

 

Did she happen to give you the reason why she hasn't left you for him? It might not be because of her undying love for you. It might be because loverboy didn't want to commit. Ask her. Polygraph her.

 

Do a DNA paternity test on your kids, and make sure she knows it's taking place. She lied for 4 years--who's to say it wasn't a longer lie? Tell the kids that the test is one of those ancestry things to determine how much Scottish or Greek blood you have.

 

Disconnect from her. Start leading a life independent from her. Hit the gym, take up some hobbies with new friends. Heck, enroll in a night class in a subject you've always been interested in. Spend more time out of the house. Let her see clearly that your life will go on just fine without her.

 

Does she work? Was she just screwing around while you fed and housed her without pulling her weight. If she doesn't have a job, tell her to get one.

 

You've been far too nice to her, and all it's earned is her disrespect. It's time to change the power dynamic in the relationship.

[BluesPower]

And yes you can respond with anger. Just don't hit her. You need to be pissed off. She made a fool of you for 4 years.

 

No way back from this brother. And by the way she is probably still seeing him, you don't break off a 4 year relationship over night.

 

Take every bit of the evidence that you have found and save it somewhere.

 

FILE FOR DIVORCE. Just do it. EXPOSE the affair to everyone. SHAME her.

 

You are not to blame, she will become the jezebel in the public eye that she is.

 

Stop being weak. DO NOT COMFORT HER. DO NOT TOUCH HER. DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER.

 

Get out now, you will heal faster, I promise...

[usa1ah]

Goodness me? STD? I didn't think about that. It was completely out of my mind.

 

Background - We have 2 children. One boy. One girl. Pre teens both of them.

 

As for the him, he is divorced. So there goes my vengeance plan to inform his wife. He is a friend of the husband of my wife's friend. They met in social gathering. I can't even inform there without humiliating myself. I would be viewed as the cuckold and ridiculed.

 

Can you guys understand how helpless and weak this makes me feel? My wife is doing "charity" on me by suggesting that she will never again be in the presence of the group when he is there. And if necessary she will inform her close friends for she can't be in his presence. I was nearly about to hit her for this. How dare she? She makes a mockery of me for 4 years with another man and now she wants to humiliate in public?

 

You will be mocked if you stay with her. You already are, do you actually think he is not bragging to his friends about the things he has done to your wife?

[usa1ah]

Mincrafter you are in love with who you thought your wife was. That person doesn't exist.

 

Instead you have a heartless woman that wants to keep her social circle, all of whom knew what they were up to.

 

The reason she is acting like she is because she knows you won't leave. That the only regret she has is in getting caught. That she may have to what a few years before she starts again.

 

What will you tell your son when he finds out and you stayed?

 

What lesson are you teaching your daughter, that she can do the same to her husband one day?

 

You have a lot to think about. It's time to push to pain aside and figure out what is best for the kids.

 

Having an affair is bad enough but bringing the OM home to your bed was meant as a insult.

 

Has your wife introduced the OM to your kids?

[usa1ah]

I would destroy the wedding albums along with throwing the bed out.