New here and devastated...

[pepperbird]

When I read threads like this about how the op will "sty for the kids", even if it's a miserable environment for them, I always think ", nah, you're not staying for the kids...not really. You're staying for yourself".

 

 

 

OP, it's incredibly unfair that your wife cheated on you . It's incredibly unfair that you are the one who has two navigate your way through the fallout when you didn't cause it. It's also incredibly unfair that you have to make the decision of what to do next.

 

I've been there myself, and I know how crappy it can be.

 

 

this being said, don't stay just because it's what you think you "should" do. Take a step back and try looking at the situation as an observer. you're still letting your hurt and anger drive your decisions, and it's causing you to make some that could potentially have a negative impact on your children. If you really want to put them first, deal with your hurt and anger in a constructive way and then revisit whether staying or going is right for your children. No offense, but your feelings have to take a back seat to what is best for them. Otherwise, 20 years from now, you'll still be dealing with this...and so will your kids.

[BaileyB]

If you really want to put them first, deal with your hurt and anger in a constructive way and then revisit whether staying or going is right for your children. No offense, but your feelings have to take a back seat to what is best for them. Otherwise, 20 years from now, you'll still be dealing with this...and so will your kids.

 

I can well imagine that living in a home where both parents have cheated and are living with this much pain and anger, the children are already dealing with this... this must be a very unhappy and unhealthy home to raise children.

[El Duendecillo]

When I read threads like this about how the op will "sty for the kids", even if it's a miserable environment for them, I always think ", nah, you're not staying for the kids...not really. You're staying for yourself".

 

 

Spot on assessment^^^

 

Mincrafter, IMHO the years of betrayal your WW subjected you to is unforgivable.

 

Screwing a guy in your social circle, while allowing you to unknowingly hangout around him, and knowing this entire group of so called friends knew what was going on behind your back??? Slept with him in your own home, in your own bed? That is beyond betrayal, and disrespectful.

 

Me personally, I could never forgive what she has done. She is 100% responsible for her actions, and has to live with the consequences.

 

As others here have suggested, remaining in a toxic marriage just for the sake of your children, may actually cause harm to them in the long run.

 

Can you really ever get over what she has done?

[elaine567]

Can you really ever get over what she has done?

He is getting over it by having an affair with one of his so called friends who swooped in to "save" him.

 

Thread

[El Duendecillo]

He is getting over it by having an affair with one of his so called friends who swooped in to "save" him.

 

Thread

 

 

Thanks Elaine, I found that thread after posting to this one. Not much of a "friend" IMHO.

[mincrafter]

Spot on assessment^^^

 

Mincrafter, IMHO the years of betrayal your WW subjected you to is unforgivable.

 

Screwing a guy in your social circle, while allowing you to unknowingly hangout around him, and knowing this entire group of so called friends knew what was going on behind your back??? Slept with him in your own home, in your own bed? That is beyond betrayal, and disrespectful.

 

Me personally, I could never forgive what she has done. She is 100% responsible for her actions, and has to live with the consequences.

 

As others here have suggested, remaining in a toxic marriage just for the sake of your children, may actually cause harm to them in the long run.

 

Can you really ever get over what she has done?

 

But will it be enough for you to get an instant divorce without considering the financial entanglement and the children? I don't think so.

 

Unless you have been betrayed and found yourself in such a situation, you will never know what you will do. Its easy to sprout **** like that sitting on the outside. Us actually betrayed have a swallow a lot of **** sandwich when we are in it.

[mincrafter]

There is no justification to have an affair.

There is no justification to lie to your wife.

 

Time to have a real talk with your wife, the full truth and then

decide what the both of you want to do together.

 

For my situation there is absolute justification. No round about that.

 

To put it in a single sentence, I was betrayed and then lead to bleed alone till it stopped and someone came along I needed that put a pressure on the bleeding wound when my wife would not.

[pepperbird]

Unless you have been betrayed and found yourself in such a situation, you will never know what you will do. Its easy to sprout **** like that sitting on the outside. Us actually betrayed have a swallow a lot of **** sandwich when we are in it.

 

 

Sir, I think you forget that most of us have been in your shoes. It's awful. Over a decade ago, I was where you are right now. It hurt like hell, and the ones who suffered the most for my hsbnad's crappy behavior was our kids.

 

They always seem to pay the highest price in this sort of situation.

[El Duendecillo]

But will it be enough for you to get an instant divorce without considering the financial entanglement and the children? I don't think so.

 

Unless you have been betrayed and found yourself in such a situation, you will never know what you will do. Its easy to sprout **** like that sitting on the outside. Us actually betrayed have a swallow a lot of **** sandwich when we are in it.

 

Buddy.. I HAVE BEEN BETRAYED LIKE THIS.. I'm not here for my morbid amusement, at the expense of people like you. Many of the members you have attacked probably have been also.

 

And.. I did get out. Immediately. All I see you doing is making up a bunch of excuses as justification for staying with your WW. If you want to stay with her, then stay.

 

Honestly, I believe you're deluding yourself and making excuses for reasons to stay.

[pepperbird]

I needed that put a pressure on the bleeding wound when my wife would not.

 

 

No, what came along was someone else who was also wounded, and you are BOTH taking advantage of one another. You both wallow in self pity about how awful your spouses/lives have been, and that inertia is keeping you stuck.

 

Sorry, but when you're a parent, you don't get to wallow in self pity and screw up your kid's lives because you are hurting. You pick yourself up as quickly as you can, dust yourself off and keep on going. You've had over A YEAR to start to move forward, but you sound just as angry and hurt as you did when you first came here.

 

Please, be honest with yourself. Can you really say you've moved forward? As an outside observer, I don't think you have. I get that. I really do. Sometimes, it's comforting to wrap ourselves in self pity and anger...we all do it. The thing is it provides no real value other than a stopgap measure until we are on better footing...but that takes effort and a willingness to remove that blanket. Have you done this?

[pepperbird]

Buddy.. I HAVE BEEN BETRAYED LIKE THIS.. I'm not here for my morbid amusement, at the expense of people like you. Many of the members you have attacked probably have been also.

 

 

 

Some chose to leave, some, like me, chose to stay. We all did what we thought was right for us.

 

 

 

op, I know you think we're not understanding what you've been through. Most of us do, and we all have our own horror story. This is why people have offered you the advice that they have. They've learned to spot a train wreck from personal experience.

 

Perhaps we aren't giving you what you are looking for. What do you want form us? Advice? A place to vent? Sympathy? If we know what help you need, we can better provide it.

[whichwayisup]

For my situation there is absolute justification. No round about that.

 

To put it in a single sentence, I was betrayed and then lead to bleed alone till it stopped and someone came along I needed that put a pressure on the bleeding wound when my wife would not.

 

You were a victim when your wife cheated on you, betrayed you in the worst way. But as soon as you chose to cheat and have an affair too, you're no longer a victim in this mess. You're a willing participant in creating MORE problems and unless a miracle happens, doubtful the marriage can be saved. Too much hurt, lies, betrayal and mistrust on both sides, even though your wife is in the dark about your own affair.

 

You could have relied on your men friends, other family members, or even gone to counseling. Instead you allowed yourself to get close to another woman during this mess and now it's worse than it was before ... Because your wife IS trying and you're leading her on, giving her hope by going to counseling with the false pretense of the marriage getting better. Yeah two wrongs don't make a right, but right now neither of you are any worse or better than the other.

[BaileyB]

But will it be enough for you to get an instant divorce without considering the financial entanglement and the children? I don't think so.

 

Unless you have been betrayed and found yourself in such a situation, you will never know what you will do. Its easy to sprout **** like that sitting on the outside. Us actually betrayed have a swallow a lot of **** sandwich when we are in it.

 

And you are determined to wallow in your misery, creating more misery for yourself and those around you... rather than dealing with the situation in a healthy and constructive way.

 

Just my humble opinion, not that you want to hear it anyway...

[BaileyB]

For my situation there is absolute justification. No round about that.

 

You were the victim, and now you are the victimizer.

 

Regardless of what you may think or any excuse you may offer, you do not have the right to hurt your wife and your children this way. She did not have the right to do it to you. You do not have the right to do it to anyone else. Two wrongs, don’t make a right.

 

You and your wife can hurt each other for years if you are so inclined, war of the roses. But, the innocent victims in all of this are your children. Raising them in an unhappy and healthy home will cause damage that you can not even begin to predict or understand. Unfortunately, I don’t know that you can really appreciate that right now because you are not able to look outside yourself and your own pain.

 

Money that is lost, can be regained. What about your self-respect, peace of mind, and the security and well being of your children... is that not worth whatever division of assets is settled in the divorce?

Edited March 6, 2019 by BaileyB

[pepperbird]

personally, I think that anyone who has revenge affair looses any moral high ground they might otherwise have had. after all, just like they felt they had a reason/justification to cheat, so did their spouse.

Either way, it's a crappy move.

[MrVegas]

Agree w/ pepperbird on this. The high road and the low road cannot be walked at the same time.

 

I would go further and say his actions are worse than his. What she did was classless and selfish and there is no justification. What he’s doing however is the same plus he knows the pain that the betrayal causes. What’s more is he is holding his trust and respect out like a carrot on the stick for his wife to earn. Or worse, revels in the pain it will cause her when she learns of it, while feeling morally smug and superior.

 

What he wanted from the group and upset he isn’t getting is the support held out to victims of betrayal while expecting high fives for starting his own affair.

 

You know what they say about revenge, an eye for an eye makes us all look like awesome pirates. Unless you wronged two people, in which case you’re gonna need a dog and a long stick.

 

MV

[The Revealer]

I won't explain but I will just reveal (no time and space)

 

 

The husband, the guy who she marries when she approaches her late 20s or early 30s doesn't get the best she has to offer - like the guys she had ONS and dated in college etc..the husband is usually safe, trustworthy, loyal and secure...she isn't attracted to him, he isn't exciting, not even her type..but she must settle down now; since she is getting older, so she can have kids and start a family...so she dates and marries the type she never noticed before - and that is you.

 

But sooner or later she will miss her type- the guys who excited her, who she really found attractive, they are not reliable, safe, 'the bad boys' - so she has an affair while maintaining the security of having a husband.

 

Before I forget : GET A DNA TEST FOR ALL YOUR KIDS (I say this from years of experience and proven wisdom, so don't give me excuses like '..my daughter looks like me, there is no way she isn't mine' etc)

 

Your wife never loved or respected u-women don't respect a man who accepts and isn't even aware of the role u played in her so called 'female sexual strategy' -hvn seks with exciting men b4 marriage, during marriage(cheating) while you take care of the kids, family, provisions and many excuses why she isn't in the mode for seks this month (I am tired, I have cramps, it is the kids) but yet the affair partner got non.

 

Her act of reforming is based on the fear of losing security, provisioning, and her utility husband..but not the fear of losing u: she doesn't desire u, respect u: nothing will change the truth of what she things of you, the raw truth of which u saw on her phone in the msgs, videos, insults shared with another man. Everything else from here now is an act, a lie, less painful than the raw truth, but nonetheless; not the raw truth

 

 

There is one road for you : DIVORCING HER...anything else is a buffer. The human nature to seek the path of less resistance, the path that doesn't lead to growth and transformation.

[40somethingGuy]

Frankly, the only acceptable affair in my eyes are when placed in a situation like the OP. UNLESS- the OM is also married with an innocent H. Don't do onto someone else what was done to you. Otherwise, good for you. I hope you heal and if that is what you have to do, so be it. Your WW is tainted forever and deserves to feel loss.

[Far]

mincrafter- Hello, friend. I'm very late but like to welcome you to this sub.

 

Now, I've followed your posts and something is very glaring to me.

 

You are HEAVILY traumatized and are incredibly vengeful.

 

Wait, wait, before you respond, read the rest I have to write.

 

I understand completely the humiliation you feel. I understand that utter despair that's running through your mind at the moment. Your wife's affair is quite a horror show indeed. This woman does not see you as loving partner, but a mere utility for comfortable lifestyle. Why do I say that? Because your story, as "unique" as it is, is VERY common.

 

You have a myriad of feelings and are struggling to come to terms with them. You may not say it, but your desire to "get even" is also a very common one among betrayed men. Your action, as far as I'm aware, are not that common, but do occur among betrayed men.

 

Your feelings are completely justified. Your actions are questionable.

 

What's the point of staying in this marriage? It's a joke, so why continue to put yourself through this? Staying for the kids is not a reason, but an excuse.

 

Speaking of...your kids? How are they? This is a **** show and kids can smell it a mile away. You cannot tell us here otherwise because it's been documented many times staying for this kids is not such a good idea when there's so much bitterness in the air.

 

Frankly, I would have given you a high-five if kids weren't involved and you left your wife after your revenge fling. But not this situation.

 

When are you going to tell your wife about your revenge affair? Maybe if you put everything on the table, and have her do the same, some good might come out of this? Or do you plan to continue for the next 3 years so that if you wife does find out (after wasting time going to counciling) she would understand just how painful and humiliated you felt on your DDay?

 

Of course, I can see that your emotions are driving you and you're not thinking rationally about the far-reaching consequences of affairs, which I can understand, You are in your own kind of fog that cheaters speak so commonly of. I would implore you to take some of the advice posters have made. They have nothing to gain from giving you their wisdom. There are not in your situation nor will be affected by what you do.

 

You can continue the path you're going. That is completely your choice, but I would prepare for severe consequences., because what you're essentially doing by justifying your affair is justifying your wife's in the process, and trust me, she is going to think exactly that.

[Tristian]

As the OP has not updated in over a month we'll call this one done. Thanks all for your input.