I'm STILL so sad, & it's so long. What can I do??

[Anna]

This has been a very bad week. I thought time would heal all wounds. What's wrong with me? Why do I have to be so sensitive?

 

I have had too many reminders of my ex this week and I am crying over him. WHY? I will never contact him again, in fact, after the last time he contacted me, I asked him not to call me ever again.

 

He was so mean, but only to ME. Only I saw his bad side.

 

It was because he 'expected more of me' than anyone else. He said 'I deserved it'.

 

His family made so many excuses for him and his behavior. They told me it was because he trusted me and felt close to me that he was so mean to me. They think he's an angel, the world thinks he's the nicest guy, but I know he has a Jeckyl and Hyde personality.

 

I even felt sorry for him because I saw how he was raised. His Mom was unbalanced and would scream at them. His Dad was distant and having affairs. He has a very low self-esteem. I still feel sorry for him, although I don't want to be anywhere near him. His parents have the emotional levels of children. The kids raised themselves. I was always giving him the benefit of the doubt. I never thought he was a bad person deep down, just very troubled.

 

I just realized that it was the anniversary of my engagement. Why should I still care? I was about to leave when he proposed. He seemed so sincere and it seemed like he'd begun to open up to me again. I thought he'd change, go to counseling. He refused. It just got worse.

 

10 years. We met in college and it started out fine. It was NOT always a bad relationship. I am not a masochist. The changes were so subtle.

 

Then the communication stopped. He didn't have any good role models with relationships with his parents. They went throught a very messy divorce. I was there for him through it all. He stopped growing.

 

It slowly slid into dysfunctional relationship, especially near the end. I didn't notice it at first. It started feeling like a codependent relationship, it became abusive, and it was destroying me so I moved out and did not look back.

 

He started acting like an alcoholic, or some kind of 'holic. Workaholic. Horrible mood swings, screaming, blaming, etc. He was acting unbalanced and would not get help.

 

I refuse to be in another relationship until I can work through why I stayed with someone so long who treated me so badly. The sad thing is that I am hearing that other people do this, too. I thought I was the only idiot. This will not happen to me again.

 

So why do I care that, as soon as I left, he found someone to replace me right away?

 

I thought I was over him, but, as much as I try, I keep remembering the good times, and I cry. Then I remember the bad times and hate myself for tolerating it and not leaving sooner. But it also makes me cry. These thoughts just pop into my head, I push them out, but they come back when I least expect it. I even dream this stuff.

 

What is wrong with me and why can't I make these thoughts stop happening! I want to be happy. I want to be emotionally healthy again.

 

Thanks for listening. I feel so completely alone.

[sweety80]

I'm sorry that you had to go through all that. like your ex, mine came from a very disfunctional family. we just broke up(kind of) this past week, even though i'm not sure what over and if it is really over. but i'm taking advice from the people who know..get out, meet some new people, that type of thing. i know i'll probably hurt for a while, and that i'll never forget what we had.

 

do you have some friends that can help you through with this? i know that nobody can give us the answers to why this stuff happens...heavens knows i've been looking the past 2 days for explanations on the 'why" "how" and "will it ever be again?". maybe you should seek a professional to deal with this. it sounds like its very serious, and nothing that you should have to cope with alone.

This has been a very bad week. I thought time would heal all wounds. What's wrong with me? Why do I have to be so sensitive? I have had too many reminders of my ex this week and I am crying over him. WHY? I will never contact him again, in fact, after the last time he contacted me, I asked him not to call me ever again. He was so mean, but only to ME. Only I saw his bad side. It was because he 'expected more of me' than anyone else. He said 'I deserved it'. His family made so many excuses for him and his behavior. They told me it was because he trusted me and felt close to me that he was so mean to me. They think he's an angel, the world thinks he's the nicest guy, but I know he has a Jeckyl and Hyde personality. I even felt sorry for him because I saw how he was raised. His Mom was unbalanced and would scream at them. His Dad was distant and having affairs. He has a very low self-esteem. I still feel sorry for him, although I don't want to be anywhere near him. His parents have the emotional levels of children. The kids raised themselves. I was always giving him the benefit of the doubt. I never thought he was a bad person deep down, just very troubled. I just realized that it was the anniversary of my engagement. Why should I still care? I was about to leave when he proposed. He seemed so sincere and it seemed like he'd begun to open up to me again. I thought he'd change, go to counseling. He refused. It just got worse. 10 years. We met in college and it started out fine. It was NOT always a bad relationship. I am not a masochist. The changes were so subtle.

 

Then the communication stopped. He didn't have any good role models with relationships with his parents. They went throught a very messy divorce. I was there for him through it all. He stopped growing. It slowly slid into dysfunctional relationship, especially near the end. I didn't notice it at first. It started feeling like a codependent relationship, it became abusive, and it was destroying me so I moved out and did not look back. He started acting like an alcoholic, or some kind of 'holic. Workaholic. Horrible mood swings, screaming, blaming, etc. He was acting unbalanced and would not get help. I refuse to be in another relationship until I can work through why I stayed with someone so long who treated me so badly. The sad thing is that I am hearing that other people do this, too. I thought I was the only idiot. This will not happen to me again. So why do I care that, as soon as I left, he found someone to replace me right away? I thought I was over him, but, as much as I try, I keep remembering the good times, and I cry. Then I remember the bad times and hate myself for tolerating it and not leaving sooner. But it also makes me cry. These thoughts just pop into my head, I push them out, but they come back when I least expect it. I even dream this stuff. What is wrong with me and why can't I make these thoughts stop happening! I want to be happy. I want to be emotionally healthy again. Thanks for listening. I feel so completely alone.

[wonder woman]

Has it only been a week? I should think you would still be crying. This is a loss, even if you were ready to leave it still hurts. Remember how you felt the last day of your senior year in High School, saying goodbye, knowing there were so many people you'd never see again, how it hurt. Or how about when your pet goldfish died, you were so sad. Well any loss hurts, and it hurts like hell. You say he was mean and abusive toward you. Did he ever say, "why do YOU provoke and make me say and do things like this"? You say he comes from a dysfunctional family? You said it makes you feel co-dependent, and he acts like an alcoholic? Try reading about love addicts, and avoidence addicts. I too suffered the loss of a relationship after over 5 years. He was afraid of commitment. Somethings happen so slowly. My ex developed an addiction to pain killers. He was in detox, became very abusive, distant, emotionally unavaiable, just like his alcoholic father. Sounds to me lots of people in his family are in denial. People with addictions, whether alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, food. All have similar personalities, controlling, abusive, withdrawn. And when you get tired of putting up with it and even when you end it and they tell you, there'll never be another one. Boom! they're with someone new. Kind of like a parasite looking for a new host to feed off of. Try Al-anon, look in the phone book, whether there's an addiction present or not that you know of, this group will give you much insight and support, just for everyday life. It can and will change your life. Try it once, and I bet you'll find out things about yourself you never dreamed of. Co-dependency, problems and issues with you childhood. Controll, manipulation, I could go on and on. But before you can let go of the pain, find out what it is that's hurting you. We all like familiarity, is there something with him that makes you feel safe, if even it doesn't feel right? God Bless.....WW

[wonder woman]

P.s. the reason I'm wonder woman, is I spent so much time wondering, what did I do wrong, I wonder why he doesn't love me, I wonder why he acts like this' you get it Has it only been a week? I should think you

would still be crying. This is a loss, even if you were ready to leave it still hurts. Remember how you felt the last day of your senior year in High School, saying goodbye, knowing there were so many people you'd never see again, how it hurt. Or how about when your pet goldfish died, you were so sad. Well any loss hurts, and it hurts like hell. You say he was mean and abusive toward you. Did he ever say, "why do YOU provoke and make me say and do things like this"? You say he comes from a dysfunctional family? You said it makes you feel co-dependent, and he acts like an alcoholic? Try reading about love addicts, and avoidence addicts. I too suffered the loss of a relationship after over 5 years. He was afraid of commitment. Somethings happen so slowly. My ex developed an addiction to pain killers. He was in detox, became very abusive, distant, emotionally unavaiable, just like his alcoholic father. Sounds to me lots of people in his family are in denial. People with addictions, whether alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, food. All have similar personalities, controlling, abusive, withdrawn. And when you get tired of putting up with it and even when you end it and they tell you, there'll never be another one. Boom! they're with someone new. Kind of like a parasite looking for a new host to feed off of. Try Al-anon, look in the phone book, whether there's an addiction present or not that you know of, this group will give you much insight and support, just for everyday life. It can and will change your life. Try it once, and I bet you'll find out things about yourself you never dreamed of. Co-dependency, problems and issues with you childhood. Controll, manipulation, I could go on and on. But before you can let go of the pain, find out what it is that's hurting you. We all like familiarity, is there something with him that makes you feel safe, if even it doesn't feel right? God Bless.....WW