My Husband Wants a Divorce. How Do I get Him to Change His Mind?

[Ivy247]

Hello everyone,

 

I'm in a devastating situation, and really need other opinions. My husband and I have been married for 6 years. We got married after only knowing each other for 1 month. My husband got really sick a few months after that, and then he got into addiction problem for a few years. Throughout our marriage, we had a lot of other issues that were never really solved completely. We were very immature and didn’t know how to communicate our needs to the other. We fought a lot, sex life wasn’t great. He’s dissatisfied with his life, and I’m stressed most of the time due to the marriage and school.

 

A few weeks ago, my husband told me that he wanted a divorce, and he said that he’s at the point where there’s no turning back. We stay in the same house but in different rooms now, because I only have 3 months left until graduation. I still love my husband and want to give it a chance. However, he doesn’t want to work on it anymore. He said he’s been thinking about it for few years now. He scared to make the decision because he thinks I have a lot of good qualities that he might not be able to find in other girls. We don’t really talk anymore. The situation really bothers me a lot whenever I have time to think about it. It broke my heart every time i read the texts that he sent me when we first dated.

 

I’m thinking about moving out. It makes me sad when I see him every day and we don’t talk like before. I also know that he's been texting this girl at work A lot. She got married last year, and they seem like a happy couple. My husband admitted that they've been closer then before but it's just friendship. Based on the amount and the time of their texts ( 11pm, 2am, even throughout the day), it seems like more than just friendship. I know that we're separated and I shouldn't care too much, but it still hurts.

 

What should I do in this situation? Is there a slim chance that my husband might change his mind if I move out? He doesn’t really want to talk or listen to anybody even his best friends, or family.

 

I know there is a “lagging period” when the other person starts thinking about their partner after she moves out. It’s the stage when he hasn’t had any exciting things like he thought yet, and started missing her. There is a no contact rule during this period. I wonder if this might work for my case. In some ways, I feel like my husband 100% committed to his decision.

 

I've looking at different programs out there for saving marriage, but I don't know if it'll work on my situation. They also cost a lot.

 

Thanks advance for any advice!

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm sorry for what you're going through hun.

 

Having been the one in my marriage who called it quits I will tell you that once I turned the corner after years of contemplating staying versus leaving, there wasn't anything anyone could have done to change my mind.

 

This difference between your situation and mine is that during those years of 'thinking' about possibly leaving I was also actively trying to save my marriage. Divorce or at least separation was imminent and we both knew it even if my husband tried to avoid discussion about it and pretend like the pink elephant didn't exist.

 

After years of struggling to make things work to no avail, that's when I knew the only solution left was to leave. And once I made that heart wrenching decision, it was over for me. Period.

 

Does his communication with this other woman create a distraction that has prohibited him from stepping up and working at the problems in your marriage or at least announcing that he's unhappy and wants to work on things? Perhaps. I am grateful I had no clue about about online and apps and or even texting whilst I was going through my marital problems. The outcome might have been very different for me.

 

All I have to say is to give him the space he is asking for. Just because you want to make things work doesn't mean he does and unless you're both in it with both feet committed to fixing your marriage at any cost, it's pointless.

 

By the sounds of things, he's officially checked out. Save your dignity and further heart ache and rejection. Get some space. Work on healing yourself and let things unfold as they will.

 

Hugs.

 

Good luck.

[darkmoon]

how? seduce him all over again, dress cute, be gamey, go out, on your own will have to do, just calm down, and go out for coffees, just pique his interest, you like reading the newspaper in cafes during the day, nothing sleazy, just look cute

 

see what be says/does when he sees you really are not hanging around looking miserable, he must not know that the cute look is all for him

 

he fancied you enough to marry you, so build on that, and when he gets fresh, you may need to pay very close attention to where you went wrong, so talk first, be gentle, and you may yet be both be happy again, so do not move out until you have tried one last time

Edited August 20, 2017 by darkmoon

[Blanco]

how? seduce him all over again, dress cute, be gamey, go out, on your own will have to do, just calm down, and go out for coffees, just pique his interest, you like reading the newspaper in cafes during the day, nothing sleazy, just look cute

 

see what be says/does when he sees you really are not hanging around looking miserable, he must not know that the cute look is all for him

 

he fancied you enough to marry you, so build on that, and when he gets fresh, you may need to pay very close attention to where you went wrong, so talk first, be gentle, and you may yet be both be happy again, so do not move out until you have tried one last time

 

I don't agree with this at all. The guy is clearly checking out because someone else has caught his eye. What you're suggesting is that the OP play the "pick me" game.

[Ivy247]

The guy is clearly checking out because someone else has caught his eye.

 

It seems to me that he started talking to her more after making the separation decision. He doesn't even wants to talk to anyone even his best friends about the divorce. He finds it annoying to justify things.

[d0nnivain]

It might not be fixable but if it's possible, the fix will come in the bedroom. It will also require you to suppress your stress. He wants a happy, fun wife not a stress puppy. On some level that is not fair because you won't be able to be yourself. You will have to project a calm happy façade you don't feel.

 

Step one: Pull yourself together. Get a makeover, style your hair, get waxed fluff, & poof & be "on" in your look all the time. You are showing him you are all about pleasing him & turning him on.

 

Step two: compliment him & take care of him. Make him breakfast or at least coffee every day. Have dinner on the table. Make sure the house is spotless. Get a housekeeper if you have to. You are showing him you will take care of him.

 

Step three: seduce him. Offer back rubs & foot rubs. Eventually pleasure him in other ways. If you were never big on oral sex, start. Most men will do almost anything for you if they get routine BJs (plus their bellies are full & their house is clean). Hop into the shower with him once in a while for a quickie

 

You are not going to fix your marriage through talking. He wants to see that he is your priority. Because you will need an outlet & it's not going to be him for a while (if ever) get a therapist.

 

It's pop psychology but read or at least skim 2 books by Dr. Laura: The Care and Feeding of a Marriage and the Care & Feeding of a Husband. Some of her teachings are misogynistic drivel that sets feminism back decades but I think she's onto something with the core message about appreciation.

[Blanco]

What exactly am I missing here that the onus is on the OP to save this? It sounds like the guy is just generally unsatisfied with his life, and if that's the case, it's on him to address that.

 

OP getting a new dress and getting her nails done isn't going to fix this guy's discontent, especially if he's got eyes for another woman.

[Ivy247]

Hi Michelle,

Thank you for sharing your story. This gives me the other side's perspective. I'm the type of "getting things done" compared to my husband. I ended up making a lot of decisions during our marriage. I realize that this makes him feel like losing control of his own life.

He's planning to get a travel job, and it looks really promising to him right now. He told me that he gets to travel to different place every 3 months, gets paid more, and he's able to do whatever he wants...

I've been reading different sources to help me coping with my emotion. It's just so hard for the one that is being left.

[d0nnivain]

If you have been "wearing the pants" in your marriage the whole time, then perhaps it may be best if you just let him go. Then you will be free to find a man who is more compatible with your achiever personality.

 

He sounds like he wants to be Peter Pan

 

Blanco -- the onus is on her because she's the one who wants to save the marriage. If it's salvageable, the work gets done by the one who cares. He already said he wants a divorce so he's not going to be inclined to change. She can only change her behavior so I gave her suggestions on how to get Peter Pan's attention.

[Ivy247]

 

Step one: Pull yourself together. Get a makeover, style your hair, get waxed fluff, & poof & be "on" in your look all the time. You are showing him you are all about pleasing him & turning him on.

 

Step two: compliment him & take care of him. Make him breakfast or at least coffee every day. Have dinner on the table. Make sure the house is spotless. Get a housekeeper if you have to. You are showing him you will take care of him.

 

Step three: seduce him. Offer back rubs & foot rubs. Eventually pleasure him in other ways. If you were never big on oral sex, start. Most men will do almost anything for you if they get routine BJs (plus their bellies are full & their house is clean). Hop into the shower with him once in a while for a quickie

 

 

When he comes home from work, he goes to his room. He tried to avoid any physical contact even a hug. He mentioned that sometimes he wants to go to my room and hug me, but it just makes things harder later on.

I don't know if I can apply all this for my case. If I do everything at the same time, it might show him that I'm desperate according to one of the marriage coach I listened to.

[Ivy247]

he fancied you enough to marry you, so build on that, and when he gets fresh, you may need to pay very close attention to where you went wrong, so talk first, be gentle, and you may yet be both be happy again, so do not move out until you have tried one last time

 

I wish that we're in that stage where we can talk and discuss about solution. I think he already passed that and decided to give and find his own freedom.

[elaine567]

OP getting a new dress and getting her nails done isn't going to fix this guy's discontent, especially if he's got eyes for another woman.

 

... and he is getting a travel job that will take him off to different places every 3 months...

 

He is, I guess, done.

 

OP, get your ducks in a row, see a lawyer, find out about your rights, protect your assets, make sure he can't empty all your bank accounts before he goes.

He may be playing "nice" just now but that may not last especially if there is another woman involved.

[d0nnivain]

People think marriage is 50/50. It's not. It's 100/100. When you are both completely all in, when one slides back for whatever reason -- stress, work, death in the family, an illness, you are still more connected then not. If you are only 50/50, you are connected at one point. Any problem & you are disconnected.

 

You say that you don't want to appear desperate. What do you want to save more your pride (perceived power balance) or your marriage? You are at the 11th hour. He's physically checked out & seriously contemplating divorce. He may already be cheating with this work colleague. You either go all in to fix this now or you get divorced. There is no more time. You can't fix it after that judge bangs the gavel & signs the order.

[Ivy247]

What exactly am I missing here that the onus is on the OP to save this? It sounds like the guy is just generally unsatisfied with his life, and if that's the case, it's on him to address that.

 

OP getting a new dress and getting her nails done isn't going to fix this guy's discontent, especially if he's got eyes for another woman.

 

You're right about him being unsatisfied with his life. He's 35yrs, and I don't know if it's midlife crisis or what. He's been sacrificed a lot for me being in school. I know we fought a lot and sometimes I do have a second thought about our marriage. However, I still want to give it another chance since I'll be done with school, and things will be different. Even his friends were shocked that he decided to call it quit.

[stillafool]

The only chance you have of getting your husband back is to turn and walk away as soon as possible and do not contact him. At that point hopefully at some point he will miss you, realize he made a mistake and beg you to take him back. Anything short of this action will keep you feeling insecure and will make you look weak in his eyes.

[Ivy247]

 

You say that you don't want to appear desperate. What do you want to save more your pride (perceived power balance) or your marriage? You are at the 11th hour. He's physically checked out & seriously contemplating divorce. He may already be cheating with this work colleague. You either go all in to fix this now or you get divorced. There is no more time. You can't fix it after that judge bangs the gavel & signs the order.

 

I'm not afraid to appear desperate. I'm more afraid of appearing desperate might push him away further. I think that's why the no contact rule is being mention a lot after a breakup. However, I'll try your advice one step at a time. There's nothing to lose for me.

[somanymistakes]

My husband and I have been married for 6 years. We got married after only knowing each other for 1 month. My husband got really sick a few months after that, and then he got into addiction problem for a few years. Throughout our marriage, we had a lot of other issues that were never really solved completely. We were very immature and didn’t know how to communicate our needs to the other. We fought a lot, sex life wasn’t great. He’s dissatisfied with his life, and I’m stressed most of the time due to the marriage and school.

 

 

Honestly I have to say that this sounds like it's been a disaster from the beginning and that you are both probably better off splitting up now and finding new situations that will suit you better.

 

You have both grown and learned and hopefully in your future relationships you will be better able to evaluate whether someone is a good partner for you, and not leap right into things when you barely know each other.

 

It is hard to let go, but this marriage has never been good for either of you. You hope that it will someday get better, but hoping and waiting leaves you stuck in the same place forever.

 

I'm sorry, but I really think this is over. He doesn't want to be with you anymore.

[Ivy247]

I'm sorry, but I really think this is over. He doesn't want to be with you anymore.

 

I'm having a hard time accepting the truth, and still have some hope. One of his friends' advice is just to give him space, let him do his own things, and focus on my school until December. Until then, if he doesn't change his mind, then we just split up.

[central]

The only chance you have of getting your husband back is to turn and walk away as soon as possible and do not contact him. At that point hopefully at some point he will miss you, realize he made a mistake and beg you to take him back. Anything short of this action will keep you feeling insecure and will make you look weak in his eyes.

 

In addition, I suggest you file for divorce ASAP, to make it clear that you won't stick around for someone who wants to leave. It sends a message of strength, which you should try to live by.

[basil67]

It seems to me that he started talking to her more after making the separation decision. He doesn't even wants to talk to anyone even his best friends about the divorce. He finds it annoying to justify things.

 

I understand this. After I made my decision to go, I didn't want to have to go justifying my decision to people. I did not need their approval or blessing or even understanding. I can't recall talking over the decision with anyone. Many around me didn't even see it coming.

 

Regarding the history......What I don't understand is how the marriage was allowed to fall apart so badly if you wanted to save it. Did the two of you try counselling before it all got to this stage? If not, why not?

 

The arguments you'd had: what kind of things were you arguing over and what stopped those problems from being solved?

[stillafool]

I saw your other thread and you will basically get the same answers on this one. Also they will probably merge this thread with the other one.

 

I think you should show your husband your strength by kicking him out or leaving. Tell him if he doesn't want to be with you then file for divorce or you will but you will not be his second choice nor wait around for him. I know that won't be easy but sitting around waiting for his breadcrumbs while he's doing God knows what will make you look weak and unattractive. Plus he won't be in any hurry to act because he has no reason to. This way he will have a chance to miss you and decide if a separation and divorce is really what he wants. If you do the "please pick me" dance you will look weak.

[Blanco]

I agree that the OP should treat herself to some new clothes, maybe a spa day or something, but not as some lame attempt to re-attract her wayward husband. She should do it for herself to help soothe the pain that will be the coming months as she exits this dead relationship.

 

Trust me, if her husband has an interest in someone else, playing the "Pick me" game isn't going to solve anything.

 

edit: I say a lot of this with the belief that it doesn't sound as though this is a marriage worth saving. Based on the OP's posts, it sounds like they rushed into things and have been trying to "make it work" pretty much the entire time.

[Ivy247]

I know that won't be easy but sitting around waiting for his breadcrumbs while he's doing God knows what will make you look weak and unattractive. Plus he won't be in any hurry to act because he has no reason to. This way he will have a chance to miss you and decide if a separation and divorce is really what he wants. If you do the "please pick me" dance you will look weak.

 

I posted my story with the thought of moving out option and starting the "no contact" period. There are advice for either leaving or trying to improve myself. It's so hard to make decision with emotion involved.

[HarmonyDriven]

What should I do in this situation? Is there a slim chance that my husband might change his mind if I move out? He doesn’t really want to talk or listen to anybody even his best friends, or family.

 

Based on all the information you have provided, I would back off and give him space. You know him better than we do, so it sounds like he is not changing his mind.

 

Could he change his mind if you move out? Maybe, if he misses you.

 

From what you have told us, it doesn't sound like a happy marriage. Maybe you will be better off without him.

 

Either way, a difficult, trying time...and last but not least.... CONGRATS are in order......CONGRATS on your upcoming graduation!

[d0nnivain]

I posted my story with the thought of moving out option and starting the "no contact" period. There are advice for either leaving or trying to improve myself. It's so hard to make decision with emotion involved.

 

You can move out but NC doesn't start until the divorce papers are signed. This isn't a break up. There are legal decisions that have to be made & a property settlement to be negotiated. If you can't talk to each other & do everything through lawyers it will take 2x as long to finalize & costs 4x as much.