My Husband Wants a Divorce. How Do I get Him to Change His Mind?

[Michelle ma Belle]

Listen, having been on the side of the one who left her husband and marriage because of the problems that went on for years; once I checked out, once I stopped talking and crying and fighting and nagging and just stopped caring, I was D.O.N.E.

 

The irony? The moment I STOPPED doing all those things which were really an ineffective way to bait my husband and get him to wake up and address the issues we were having and work TOGETHER to make things better, was the moment he started to turn towards me again.

 

The problem? By this point, it was TOO LATE for me. If it were to happen for you then your outcome might be different.

 

I was beyond exhausted with the unhappiness and the fighting and disappointment and sadness and the ever growing resentment. Hope fueled my grip on my marriage but eventually hope began to die a slow painful death when I started to realize there was nothing left to grip anymore.

 

My point is that once I was done, I was done. My husband could have rolled out the red carpet of love and devotion and bought a life-time membership for marriage counselling and accepted full and complete blame for every single problem we had and by that point, it wouldn't have made a difference. I still loved my husband but I was so done being miserable. I was done pretending to be this perfect couple when the truth was we were drowning in problems and issues and unhappiness. I was done with the empty promises. I was done with the half-assed attempts at fixing things. I was done with being unhappy. I needed to get off the merry-go-round that went to no where.

 

I knew I NEEDED space from him and from our marriage and I was bound and determined to get it.

 

My experience? One person CANNOT save a marriage. I mean, you can remain married till death do you part if you choose to accept what is as is but remaining married and being happily married are two drastically different things.

 

Which do you want more?

 

So my advice to the partner left behind, I'm sorry for the pain you're going through. I'm sorry that you feel like you're the one left in the dust. I'm sorry that it feels like you've been abandoned BUT it goes both ways. It wasn't exactly a picnic for us either. Can you even begin to imagine how unhappy we must have been to feel like walking out of our marriages was the only solution left?

 

Sometimes there is such a thing as too late. Sometimes there is such a thing as love not being enough.

 

It's going to suck really bad for a long while OP. No doubt about it. So allow yourself to grieve and cry and scream but then be done with it and start building yourself back up again, stronger, happier, better if only for YOURSELF.

 

If he's meant to come back in your life, he will. Stop chasing after someone who is making it clear that he doesn't want to be caught right now.

 

Good luck.

Edited August 21, 2017 by Michelle ma Belle

[SammySammy]

This marriage has long been over.

 

All of the arguing and fighting killed it long ago. When you get to the point you're living in separate rooms and not wanting to touch each other, the marriage has been over for quite some time.

 

There is no magical solution or quick fix that can bring it back.

 

The things we do on a daily basis either build or destroy our relationships. You two have been tearing yours down for years. Now, it's all torn down and you want to save it. It's too late for that. There's nothing there.

 

The only thing you can do at this point is to build a new relationship. Rebuild your marriage. Rebuild the trust. Rebuild the respect. Rebuild the lines of communication. Rebuild the love and caring a couple should have. In a way that's effective, productive, and sustainable.

 

But, that can only happen IF your husband will stick around that long and IF he's willing to work with you.

 

If not, you're out of luck.

 

The silver lining is you now know how to destroy a relationship. You're very good at that. Hopefully, you can use this knowledge and experience to build and maintain a better relationship in the future. With him or with someone else.

Edited August 21, 2017 by MidKnightDreams

[Ivy247]

If he's meant to come back in your life, he will. Stop chasing after someone who is making it clear that he doesn't want to be caught right now.

 

Good luck.

Michelle,

 

I'm going through a lot of mixed emotion lately, and it hurts most of the time. There's the pain of being rejected and and pain of loss. I tried to stay close to him and talked to him more in a family get together today. On the way home, he told me to stop doing that, because it'll make things harder later. He even said that one thing he doesn't like about me is " how I make these illogical dumb statements sometimes". I guess it didn't really matter before.

 

I burned the bridge and decided to ask my friend to move into her apartment ASAP. Like you said " if he meant to come back, he will". If not, I start new life for myself.

 

d0nnivain mentioned that NC doesn't start until the paper is signed. However, we decided not to do the paperwork until next year, so it's just a separation for right now.

 

Thanks again Michelle