Fiancé had a lap dance 3 weeks before our wedding

[An Average Girl]

My fiancé and I have been together for 7 years. We have been planning our wedding for a year. We are not bar type people but do enjoy a drink or two. He's been saying for months he doesn't want an average stag. My brother is in the wedding party and had planned a day of axe throwing and brewery tours. I thought this was a great idea. I get some texts during axe throwing which was kinda cute, he was really having fun. He doesn't get to go out a lot due to working 70 hour work weeks. I last heard from him at 6pm. Around 2am I texted and asked if he was coming home. Took a bit for a reply but said he was taking and Uber home. Got home at 3:30 admittedly drunk. I asked him what they did and he told me they went to a strop club. I was shocked since he told me he didn't want that. He kept saying it was tradition and he didn't it to make the guys happy. I asked if he had a lap dance and he said yes. I am your avaerage girl, little chubby and not overly confident in my looks. Our sex life is phenomenal, but I can't help but feel weird now. We've talked about it for a good portion of the last day, and I can't get the image out of my head. I am so happy he told me outright, I know I can trust him. I'm just upset that my brother and a few more of my family members assisted a lap dance for him. I feel embarrassed and disrespected. My fiancé has asked me to not speak of this to anyone since they all said he should keep it from me. I'm speaking to my fiancé but I feel this really bad feeling in my stomach. Haven't eaten in 24 hours and frankly don't want to. He did admit she was fully naked, she put his hands on her hips, and he did get an erection.

 

Am I being unreasonable?

[d0nnivain]

I'm a woman & I think you are bordering on unreasonable.

 

Fully naked & him touching her is problematic. That seems more like hooker than stripper. In my state they can't touch or be fully naked so that may be why I don't have a huge problem with strip clubs.

 

You are upset. You need to tell him that. He needs to apologize & promise not to do it again. If you believe him then I'd go forward with the wedding. If you think you are in for a lifetime of this & you don't want it, don't get married.

[stixx]

My fiancé and I have been together for 7 years. We have been planning our wedding for a year. We are not bar type people but do enjoy a drink or two. He's been saying for months he doesn't want an average stag. My brother is in the wedding party and had planned a day of axe throwing and brewery tours. I thought this was a great idea. I get some texts during axe throwing which was kinda cute, he was really having fun. He doesn't get to go out a lot due to working 70 hour work weeks. I last heard from him at 6pm. Around 2am I texted and asked if he was coming home. Took a bit for a reply but said he was taking and Uber home. Got home at 3:30 admittedly drunk. I asked him what they did and he told me they went to a strop club. I was shocked since he told me he didn't want that. He kept saying it was tradition and he didn't it to make the guys happy. I asked if he had a lap dance and he said yes. I am your avaerage girl, little chubby and not overly confident in my looks. Our sex life is phenomenal, but I can't help but feel weird now. We've talked about it for a good portion of the last day, and I can't get the image out of my head. I am so happy he told me outright, I know I can trust him. I'm just upset that my brother and a few more of my family members assisted a lap dance for him. I feel embarrassed and disrespected. My fiancé has asked me to not speak of this to anyone since they all said he should keep it from me. I'm speaking to my fiancé but I feel this really bad feeling in my stomach. Haven't eaten in 24 hours and frankly don't want to. He did admit she was fully naked, she put his hands on her hips, and he did get an erection.

 

Am I being unreasonable?

 

My ex is about as free living as can be and understands a man and a simple fantasy.

 

When we go to Vegas she told me to have fun and go to The Chicken Farm. She encouraged it. Have some fun at your will. I never did though I was tempted and I know the women are clean.

 

I dont sleep with strangers even if I know they are safe and I am holding their lasted papers on the bloodwork. I dont sleep around, but relax. A dirty dance is nothing. If he is an honest man you have nada to worry. Dudes just like a fantasy just as a women does. No big deal to me.

 

Unreasonable. Its a lap dance for a few bucks. Who cares.

 

Why is booze always involved in posts? I proved my point many times over with booze.

 

Booze is bunk! Its a destruction in life.

[Miss Spider]

It's a bachelor party!!! They're suppose to get a lap dance!!!

[BettyDraper]

This is such a polarizing topic.

 

The fact that your fiance told you about the lap dance is a good sign. He could have simply refrained from mentioning it and you would have been none the wiser. This shows your fiance's honest character. I don't think you have anything to worry about.

 

I wouldn't care if my husband had a lap dance at a strip club because I don't believe that a lap dance is a threat to my marriage.

[Miss Spider]

My fiancé and I have been together for 7 years. We have been planning our wedding for a year. We are not bar type people but do enjoy a drink or two. He's been saying for months he doesn't want an average stag. My brother is in the wedding party and had planned a day of axe throwing and brewery tours. I thought this was a great idea. I get some texts during axe throwing which was kinda cute, he was really having fun. He doesn't get to go out a lot due to working 70 hour work weeks. I last heard from him at 6pm. Around 2am I texted and asked if he was coming home. Took a bit for a reply but said he was taking and Uber home. Got home at 3:30 admittedly drunk. I asked him what they did and he told me they went to a strop club. I was shocked since he told me he didn't want that. He kept saying it was tradition and he didn't it to make the guys happy. I asked if he had a lap dance and he said yes. I am your avaerage girl, little chubby and not overly confident in my looks. Our sex life is phenomenal, but I can't help but feel weird now. We've talked about it for a good portion of the last day, and I can't get the image out of my head. I am so happy he told me outright, I know I can trust him. I'm just upset that my brother and a few more of my family members assisted a lap dance for him. I feel embarrassed and disrespected. My fiancé has asked me to not speak of this to anyone since they all said he should keep it from me. I'm speaking to my fiancé but I feel this really bad feeling in my stomach. Haven't eaten in 24 hours and frankly don't want to. He did admit she was fully naked, she put his hands on her hips, and he did get an erection.

 

Am I being unreasonable?

 

. This is different than even going to a strip club and getting a lappie(, which some may argue is NBD)Bachelor parties, it is customary to have strippers, so a lot of them do. It is also common for rambunctious, drunk friends and family to egg on the groom to get a dance, sometimes to his embarrassment. Sorry you're feeling so down about this.

[HarmonyDriven]

OP,

 

IMO, I'd let it go and not give it a second thought for the following reasons:

 

1. It doesn't sound like he drinks much, sounds like he was drunk before he got to the strip club

2. He did not want to disappoint his wedding party guys

3. He was honest about what happened

4. You two have a phenomenal sex life

5. Lap dance from a naked woman, so what.....most likely out in the open with all of wedding party guys

6. You said you can trust him

7. HE is marrying YOU

 

Enjoy your wedding!

[Steve51]

I think you are overreacting and your husband was not wise to get into specific details such as getting an erection or not. If you are this insecure you are going to have a very bumpy ride in your marriage. Men will get erections when they see sexy girls. Cannot deny human nature so get used to it. My fiance of 6 years had sex with one of my friends while I was fighting in Vietnam, 3 months before the wedding. Now that is something to worry about. I left her.

[SammySammy]

Your man's friends did what guys typically do for bachelor parties. You should have expected that, although you tried to control his party on the sly. Those guys weren't looking forward to axe throwing at no bachelor party! Get real.

 

That woman most likely doesn't remember what your guy looks like. All she cared about was the money. She's not a threat to you.

 

I'm not really sure what you're upset about.

 

Now you're trying to manipulate him emotionally by acting "embarrassed and disrespected" over something you know traditionally occurs all of the time.

 

I feel sorry for the guy if this is what he has to look forward to in marriage. Even when he's honest.

[Els]

The type of "bachelor parties" commonly expected in Western culture is a problem, IMO - and this is the reason. It just makes zero sense to me to have a party involving sexual contact with naked women when someone is getting ready to be married. Perhaps in the older days the whole "last fling" thing might have made sense since it was less common for couples to actually be committed prior to marriage - but nowadays people are exclusive before marriage, they have sex with each other, stay with each other for years and sometimes live together. The time to have such "flings" is before such a commitment is made IMO.

 

Anyway. To the OP... I understand why you are uncomfortable, just because something is a "cultural tradition" doesn't necessarily mean it's right or that you should be okay with it. That being said, if it's truly a one-off thing and he will never do it again, it's possible that this isn't the hill you want to die on.

 

Would it make you feel better and burn off some resentment to get your girlfriends together, hire male strippers and have a hen's night? It's possible that after all that is over, you'll be better able to put everything behind you.

[niji]

The type of "bachelor parties" commonly expected in Western culture is a problem, IMO - and this is the reason. It just makes zero sense to me to have a party involving sexual contact with naked women when someone is getting ready to be married. Perhaps in the older days the whole "last fling" thing might have made sense since it was less common for couples to actually be committed prior to marriage - but nowadays people are exclusive before marriage, they have sex with each other, stay with each other for years and sometimes live together. The time to have such "flings" is before such a commitment is made IMO.

 

100% this.

 

I don't know if it's because I grew up in a non-Western culture, but I don't particularly understand this whole bachelor/bachelorette party thing (nor do I understand engagement ring aka virginity insurance I can guarantee you that it doesn't exist in the majority of the world save for some "trendy" couples who have a lot of money to waste and who want to mirror the "Hollywood" style. My mom has never heard of "engagement ring" until my fiancé proposed). I just can't see how it fits in with modern day 21st century urban culture (have never experienced rural living in any part of the world, so that may have something to do with it). Just like Elswyth said, most people I know are getting married later in life, could have had hundreds of flings if they wanted to, and are choosing to settle down because they're content to be with just that one person for life (or for as long as possible ). IMO, if you're still craving for a fling then you're not ready to settle down - just continue living your non-married life and do whatever you want! Simple! But hey, cultures (any culture) often times have nothing to do with logic, and that's ok.

 

With that being said...

 

To OP: If I were you, I'd have a hard time AGREEING to a bachelor's party, because that's just not compatible with my belief (see above, if you want to see strippers, go right ahead just not while with me). If you agreed for him to have a bachelor's party, I think strippers is a reasonable expectation. It's great that he was honest with you (I wouldn't be as honest if I were him), and condemning him for something that he most likely did out of peer pressure won't do your relationship any favor. Like I said, just because it's not for me, doesn't make it unreasonable. In your situation, I would have to say forget about it and move on; be happy that you have an honest guy.

[Els]

100% this.

 

I don't know if it's because I grew up in a non-Western culture, but I don't particularly understand this whole bachelor/bachelorette party thing

 

Haha, yeah. In the country that I grew up in, there was some "Westernization", thus many modern couples did have stag/hen nights. But it was very rare for those parties to involve strippers, and it was certainly never an expectation. Usually the guys would just get together for drinks and to watch sports, and the girls might have a bottle of bubbly and some snacks together and play a few risque games. But, strippers in and of themselves were very uncommon there - people just didn't want to spend money on that.

 

I was very surprised the first time I heard about strippers (male or female) being a "common" component of bachelor(ette) parties. Personally I don't think I would be okay with that, either. But if the OP's fiance is from such a culture, it's understandable that he would feel pressured by his friends.

[elaine567]

The type of "bachelor parties" commonly expected in Western culture is a problem, IMO - and this is the reason. It just makes zero sense to me to have a party involving sexual contact with naked women when someone is getting ready to be married

 

We can all sit here and minimise but... it is a huge problem for the OP as instead of her fairy tale wedding being full of joy and light it has been reduced to mind movies about her fiancé having a hot, naked, sexy woman grinding on his erect "bit". Something neither he or the OP will forget in a hurry...

Their "phenomenal" sex life will probably take a massive hit, her self esteem will be shot to pieces, and she will now not want to engage with her brother or other male family members as she is so embarrassed, humiliated and hurt.

 

Fantastic fun????

[SammySammy]

We can all sit here and minimise but... it is a huge problem for the OP as instead of her fairy tale wedding being full of joy and light it has been reduced to mind movies about her fiancé having a hot, naked, sexy woman grinding on his erect "bit". Something neither he or the OP will forget in a hurry...

Their "phenomenal" sex life will probably take a massive hit, her self esteem will be shot to pieces, and she will now not want to engage with her brother or other male family members as she is so embarrassed, humiliated and hurt.

 

Fantastic fun????

 

Overly dramatic and unnecessary self-inflicted suffering.

 

She can choose to think of it as a harmless lap dance. Or she can blow it out of proportion and make it something that destroys her wedding and future forever.

 

It's all a matter of how she chooses to frame it.

 

But, at the end of the day, it's a decision.

[d0nnivain]

Elaine567

 

 

No offense, but you are overreacting more than the bride to be is. It was one lap dance not some torrid on-going affair that everybody knew about but hid from the OP.

 

 

If she's upset, she's upset & needs to address her concerns with her groom to be but her reaction needs to be proportional. Does she really need to upend all of her future plans because of one errant drunken legal act? He didn't have sex with the stripper. He looked at her & got an erection. Then he came home, confessed to her & passed out. Most strippers are not as hot as many women fear; not every guy wants to take them home. For guys there is a skank factor here too; they don't want some woman who they perceive is used goods.

 

 

It's certainly not ideal but it's not worth throwing away an otherwise solid relationship over one slip. If the groom is truly remorseful, OP needs to find a way to forgive him as long as she's confident he's sincere in any statement that it will never happen again. If this is going to become his routine after work behavior, then off course she should walk away now.

[elaine567]

Overly dramatic and unnecessary self-inflicted suffering.

 

She can choose to think of it as a harmless lap dance. Or she can blow it out of proportion and make it something that destroys her wedding and future forever.

 

It's all a matter of how she chooses to frame it.

 

But, at the end of the day, it's a decision.

 

To you it is "harmless" but you are not the one who is upset, and not eating due to the shock of it all.

Everyone views such things differently, and weddings are a huge thing in some women's lives. The wedding can take on a magical quality and for it to be "ruined" by a naked lap dance is a big deal for some.

 

Others are totally monogamous and will not accept anything sexual that involves any third parties.

The OP I guess did not expect her fiancé to do anything like this, hence the shock, embarrassment and no doubt disappointment felt.

Everyone reacts differently to situations, no-one is right or wrong surely?

I guess the OP does not have an agenda here, she is reacting honestly to this situation, so no-one can criticise her for her true feelings.

[d0nnivain]

I just re-read the original post.

 

 

Apparently "the guys" including the OP's brother made the groom promise not to tell the OP about the strip club. In the OP's shoes I'd rip the brother's head off. I'd brow-beat my brother to get details like -- whose bright idea this was? who is advocating non telling the OP? and get confirmation that the FI did nothing else other than what the OP already knows.

[SammySammy]

To you it is "harmless" but you are not the one who is upset, and not eating due to the shock of it all.

Everyone views such things differently, and weddings are a huge thing in some women's lives. The wedding can take on a magical quality and for it to be "ruined" by a naked lap dance is a big deal for some.

 

Others are totally monogamous and will not accept anything sexual that involves any third parties.

The OP I guess did not expect her fiancé to do anything like this, hence the shock, embarrassment and no doubt disappointment felt.

Everyone reacts differently to situations, no-one is right or wrong surely?

I guess the OP does not have an agenda here, she is reacting honestly to this situation, so no-one can criticise her for her true feelings.

 

Still, the lap dance won't ruin her wedding. How she thinks about it ... can.

 

Some women choose and pay for the stripper at their fiance's bachelor party. I imagine the way they think about a stripper at a stag party is quite different than this reaction.

 

Many, many women have known that there would be a stripper at the bachelor party. Many women have had strippers at their own bachelorette parties.

 

My point? The strippers didn't ruin the wedding.

 

The difference is how people choose to think about it. A choice.

 

She can choose to ruin her own wedding with her thoughts. Or not. It's up to her.

 

Acting like she's helpless and has no control over how she handles this (or any) situation is not helpful to her or her marriage. Now or in the future. It might be a good time to learn to not let specific incidents "ruin" or destroy future events.

 

Address it, adapt, and move on. Quickly.

[SammySammy]

I just re-read the original post.

 

 

Apparently "the guys" including the OP's brother made the groom promise not to tell the OP about the strip club. In the OP's shoes I'd rip the brother's head off. I'd brow-beat my brother to get details like -- whose bright idea this was? who is advocating non telling the OP? and get confirmation that the FI did nothing else other than what the OP already knows.

 

Her brother and all of the other guys in the bachelor party should be pissed at this guy for snitching. Broke a man law. I wouldn't tell her anything.

 

They took the guy out and tried to show him a good time. Not going to brow beat me about anything and get confirmation about nothing.

 

She better get over it.

[Els]

We can all sit here and minimise but... it is a huge problem for the OP as instead of her fairy tale wedding being full of joy and light it has been reduced to mind movies about her fiancé having a hot, naked, sexy woman grinding on his erect "bit". Something neither he or the OP will forget in a hurry...

Their "phenomenal" sex life will probably take a massive hit, her self esteem will be shot to pieces, and she will now not want to engage with her brother or other male family members as she is so embarrassed, humiliated and hurt.

 

Fantastic fun????

 

I'm not minimizing her feelings, though. As I said, I can understand why she would be upset.

 

The problem is that deeply embedded cultural norms are not always that easy for individuals to ignore. Especially if it's important for them to feel accepted by their friends in that culture. It's not always so black and white.

 

I don't think he should have done it, especially given that he'd told her he wouldn't. But I don't think I would advise the OP to ditch her entire relationship over this, especially if he won't do it again.

[d0nnivain]

Her brother and all of the other guys in the bachelor party should be pissed at this guy for snitching. Broke a man law. I wouldn't tell her anything.

 

They took the guy out and tried to show him a good time. Not going to brow beat me about anything and get confirmation about nothing.

 

She better get over it.

 

 

The brother knew the OP didn't want the stripper. He's the one who organized the axe throwing & the bewery tour. So man code (which is ridiculous BTW; anything that undermines the trust between a couple is to be avoided not celebrated) doesn't apply. The brother knew how his sister felt so he was wrong for pushing the groom to be. If the brother had stepped up & said no too, then the other guys may have backed off.

[Els]

The brother knew the OP didn't want the stripper. He's the one who organized the axe throwing & the bewery tour. So man code (which is ridiculous BTW; anything that undermines the trust between a couple is to be avoided not celebrated) doesn't apply. The brother knew how his sister felt so he was wrong for pushing the groom to be. If the brother had stepped up & said no too, then the other guys may have backed off.

 

I agree. Excusing that sort of behavior as "man code" is just bollocks. If I had a friend whom I KNEW had a "no strippers" agreement with her fiance and I went ahead and booked strippers for her hen's night, should I expect everything to be okay just because "girl code"? Yeah, no.

[elaine567]

Her brother and all of the other guys in the bachelor party should be pissed at this guy for snitching. Broke a man law. I wouldn't tell her anything.

 

They took the guy out and tried to show him a good time. Not going to brow beat me about anything and get confirmation about nothing.

 

She better get over it.

 

OK so if he had had sex with the lap dancer, the "man law" would dictate that no-one including her brother or her family members, would say anything to the OP, even if it meant risking her getting an STI that could potentially ruin her fertility or endanger her life...

[SammySammy]

The brother knew the OP didn't want the stripper. He's the one who organized the axe throwing & the bewery tour. So man code (which is ridiculous BTW; anything that undermines the trust between a couple is to be avoided not celebrated) doesn't apply. The brother knew how his sister felt so he was wrong for pushing the groom to be. If the brother had stepped up & said no too, then the other guys may have backed off.

 

 

I seriously doubt the other guys would have backed off.

 

Men have always had codes. Codes of honor. Codes of conduct. Rules to live by thar superseded marriage and weren't dictated by women. These new, emasculated boys might be different, but certain groups of men will always have a code.

[SammySammy]

OK so if he had had sex with the lap dancer, the "man law" would dictate that no-one including her brother or her family members, would say anything to the OP, even if it meant risking her getting an STI that could potentially ruin her fertility or endanger her life...

 

He didn't have sex with her.

 

This is another example of you being overly dramatic.