Fiancé had a lap dance 3 weeks before our wedding

[lana-banana]

This isn't even a widespread American thing. In my immediate "culture" (professionals, homeowners, late 20s to early 30s) every bachelor party has been meeting with friends at a brewery or distillery, or going rock climbing together, trapeze lessons, hiking, etc. At least one party I know of was a joint bachelor-bachelorette. I don't know a single person who got strippers or lap dances. It's not the norm, it's not about masculinity, and nobody should encourage keeping secrets from spouses. I know operators and doorkickers who would never dream of doing anything like this.

 

OP, spend some time thinking about this. I agree that bachelor party shenanigans rarely rise to the level of lawbreaking, but if you have concerns about his honesty and integrity then don't ignore them. Do you feel comfortable trusting him in your everyday life? If not, do you really want to marry someone who will make you worry this way?

[Els]

This isn't even a widespread American thing. In my immediate "culture" (professionals, homeowners, late 20s to early 30s) every bachelor party has been meeting with friends at a brewery or distillery, or going rock climbing together, trapeze lessons, hiking, etc. At least one party I know of was a joint bachelor-bachelorette. I don't know a single person who got strippers or lap dances.

 

Good to know that! I thought I was in some alternate universe, reading some replies about how it's assumed that every man should hang out with strippers before his wedding and not tell his wife about it because "bro code".

[Miss Peach]

This isn't even a widespread American thing. In my immediate "culture" (professionals, homeowners, late 20s to early 30s) every bachelor party has been meeting with friends at a brewery or distillery, or going rock climbing together, trapeze lessons, hiking, etc. At least one party I know of was a joint bachelor-bachelorette. I don't know a single person who got strippers or lap dances. It's not the norm, it's not about masculinity, and nobody should encourage keeping secrets from spouses. I know operators and doorkickers who would never dream of doing anything like this.

 

OP, spend some time thinking about this. I agree that bachelor party shenanigans rarely rise to the level of lawbreaking, but if you have concerns about his honesty and integrity then don't ignore them. Do you feel comfortable trusting him in your everyday life? If not, do you really want to marry someone who will make you worry this way?

 

 

Same here. I went to a long time friend's bachelor party. We raced go carts, had dinner, and got drunk. Another friend of mine went to a pro basketball game. My XH did the same. I know of only one bachelor party in the last 15 years where it included a strip club (and I work in a male-dominated industry and they don't hold back from me).

[Deidre]

It's not a big deal, I agree with the others, yet I also don't think that these ''parties'' are absolutely necessary. Couples should discuss what makes them comfortable/uncomfortable, at least.

[mysisterhatesme]

your brother is a jerk.

 

your fiancé sounds like a decent guy unless this becomes a pattern.

[Whoknew30]

I think of this is such a big deal, than you're going to have a lot of trouble handling marriage! The guy was honest, your brother wanted to throw him a cool bachelor party, all "normal" for men. If you make a big deal, you're going to cause mistrust between your brother, husband & all the other men that were there...not to mention that's a good way to get a new husband not to open up to you again.

 

The man proved to be trust worthy & your insecurity is clouding your mind, I would bet that mixed in with plain old cold feet. Don't allow your nerves to blow up your wedding. All that happened is the man you're going to marry loves you enough to be honest...which is a good thing. Don't ruin your own wedding bc of insecurities...good luck

[Doublegold]

I know a guy whose fiancee told him a stag/bachelor party was a no go. This was late 1990's. Now, his male circle is varied, but think Tri-State area hormone fueled guys of all ages.

 

He agreed, and planned a dinner with friends as his bachelor party. To this day his wife thinks that is what he did.

 

Instead, his friends threw him the most rancous, down and dirty bachelor party any hot redded male could imagine. And she never knew.

 

He cheated on her. Before during and after basically. He is still cheating on her.

 

Do you have your answer yet? Your fiancee seems like one of the good guys. He was honest with you.

 

I hope you can work this out. Good luck.

[elaine567]

Your fiancee seems like one of the good guys. He was honest with you.

 

There seems to be some emphasis place on how "honest" the fiancé was, but we actually have no idea of how honest he really is.

 

People in general when they find themselves in tricky situations tend to sugar coat their actions, they tend to provide the best and most believable story they can think up to get themselves off the hook. He may have been "honest" but maybe not. Sometimes an "honest" confession is just a way to put someone off the real track...

He may have actually begged the brother and his friends to go to the lap dancing venue, had sex with the lap-dancer and concocted the cover story on the way home..,

Who actually knows where the real truth lies?

Is he a good guy?

NO idea.

 

I guess the fiancée of the guy in your story thought he was being "honest" when he told her about the dinner too...

[minimariah]

Your man's friends did what guys typically do for bachelor parties.

 

depends on the culture - that's an American custom. you won't really see that in Europe, for example --- most bachelor parties do not include women, at all.

 

You should have expected that...

 

she shouldn't have. this is a rough, kind of a... DEAL WITH IT!... lazy comment that i would have never expected from you.

 

Now you're trying to manipulate him emotionally by acting "embarrassed and disrespected" over something you know traditionally occurs all of the time.

 

I feel sorry for the guy if this is what he has to look forward to in marriage. Even when he's honest.

 

come through, Jerry Springer! it's REALLY not that deep.

 

she feels uncomfortable because her future husband had another naked woman dancing in his lap - that is a NORMAL reaction. furthermore, she probably feels uncomfortable knowing her brother encouraged the situation.

 

now... i don't understand why you keep insisting that she should just deal with it because... you know, it's a tradition. it's a custom. so she should just shut it and stop being such a drama queen. because she knew what to expect and because boys will be boys and do what boys do and how dare she feel uncomfortable and insecure? i mean, HOW DARE SHE?!

 

shocking, this one.

 

That they tell their wives everything...

 

most of them do, actually.

 

men gossip WAY more than women ever could & i have YET to meet a man who can actually keep a secret. this code thing must be yet another unique American custom, i guess.

Edited August 26, 2017 by minimariah

[minimariah]

It's grown men stay out of other grown men's affairs. Minding your business. Not a difficult concept.

 

it's a concept that doesn't really make sense - by default... when you're close with someone, TRULY tight with someone... you mind their business, to a certain extent. you just choose WHICH business you'll mind - that's the key.

 

if you're cool with cheating and don't really have a problem with it, you'll turn your head the other way if it happens in your company. if you DO have a problem with it, it will make you feel unfomcortable and you'll question your choice of people you decide to associate with.

 

the entire NO SNITCH code doesn't make sense either - it is somehing that creates the air of faux loyalty and connects people based on them keeping each other secrets they keep; they delude themselves thinking they're BETTER because they don't SNITCH and snitching is, of course, telling every uncomfortable or embarrassing truth.

 

boring.

[Els]

I know a guy whose fiancee told him a stag/bachelor party was a no go. This was late 1990's. Now, his male circle is varied, but think Tri-State area hormone fueled guys of all ages.

 

He agreed, and planned a dinner with friends as his bachelor party. To this day his wife thinks that is what he did.

 

Instead, his friends threw him the most rancous, down and dirty bachelor party any hot redded male could imagine. And she never knew.

 

He cheated on her. Before during and after basically. He is still cheating on her.

 

Do you have your answer yet? Your fiancee seems like one of the good guys. He was honest with you.

 

I hope you can work this out. Good luck.

 

I dunno. That's kinda like a guy posting "my girlfriend kissed another guy while drunk" and people responding with, "Do you know what this girl I used to know did??? She told her boyfriend she was going to the library... but instead she had a job in a brothel and screwed 100 other men... without telling her boyfriend!! Your girlfriend is one of the good ones. She was honest with you!"

[SammySammy]

it's a concept that doesn't really make sense - by default... when you're close with someone, TRULY tight with someone... you mind their business, to a certain extent. you just choose WHICH business you'll mind - that's the key.

 

if you're cool with cheating and don't really have a problem with it, you'll turn your head the other way if it happens in your company. if you DO have a problem with it, it will make you feel unfomcortable and you'll question your choice of people you decide to associate with.

 

the entire NO SNITCH code doesn't make sense either - it is somehing that creates the air of faux loyalty and connects people based on them keeping each other secrets they keep; they delude themselves thinking they're BETTER because they don't SNITCH and snitching is, of course, telling every uncomfortable or embarrassing truth.

 

boring.

 

I have a problem with cheating in MY relationships. That's why I don't do it. Why I wouldn't tolerate someone doing it to me.

 

Other people's relationships are THEIR business.

 

I'm not sure why staying out of other people's business is so difficult for some of you people. Like you have an obligation to stick your nose in other people's affairs.

 

You don't.

 

Mind your own business.

[Els]

I have a problem with cheating in MY relationships. That's why I don't do it. Why I wouldn't tolerate someone doing it to me.

 

Other people's relationships are THEIR business.

 

I'm not sure why staying out of other people's business is so difficult for some of you people. Like you have an obligation to stick your nose in other people's affairs.

 

You don't.

 

Mind your own business.

 

Uh, the "snitch" you were talking about was actually getting married to the OP, so I do believe it was both of their businesses. It was the fiance who told the OP, FYI. Not the brother.

 

If you mean us responding to the OP's thread... well, honestly, that's what the entire forum is for.

[minimariah]

I have a problem with cheating in MY relationships.

 

right.

 

you don't have a problem with CHEATING - you have a problem when it's done to you. IF you had a problem with cheating, it would made you feel (at the very least) uncomfortable... knowing your friends are cheating and knowing that's the kind of people you chose to associate with. because, i dunno... example = it would probably be awkward hanging out with your buddy & his wife, while she's telling you how in love they are and how happy she is that she has such a loyal husband... and you saw him yesterday picking up another chick. if THAT does not make you feel ANY TYPE of way - then you don't have a problem with CHEATING.

 

you just have a problem with others harming YOU.

two entirely different things.

 

Like you have an obligation to stick your nose in other people's affairs.

 

You don't.

 

you do.

 

that's what FRIENDSHIP is all about - you inform yourself about your friends and their LIFE. you're interested in what's going on with them, how are they feeling, how is their health, how is the life home, do they need any help... and so on. if your friend suddenly appears to work DRUNK out of his mind, you'll ask him what's wrong...? won't you? you'll try to help him out and call his family and get him in for a treatment with his other friends and family members, right? isn't that minding HIS business, sticking your nose in his business? then again, if you ignore your drunk friend - what kind of friend are you anyway...?

 

you're interested in their WELL BEING and that, by default, is sticking your nose in your their business.

 

like i said - you CHOOSE which business to mind. you allegedly have a code but you're very selective about it. and you're also forgetting that - guarding someone's secret... because that is what your friend asked you to do through the code - IS minding someone else's business. you're literally minding your buddies' business by doing what they asked you to do about their private lives - keep quiet. that is also a form of minding someone else's business.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I do believe, based on what the OP says, that her relationship is on good footing. But the incident is not entirely harmless....obviously.

 

The fiance said he wasn't going to engage in a 'traditional'

bachelor party, but was 'encouraged' to do so AFTER getting drunk visiting multiple breweries(?).

 

I do not recall any of my friends or my brother involved in lap-dance types of bachelor parties. I certainly didn't. It certainly doesn't sound smart to take a drunk fiance to a strip club to get a lap dance after having it made clear that such was not desired....and tell the bf not keep it hush-hush.

 

Anyhoo, the OP is obviously upset about it and shouldn't be taken lightly, but the fiance's honesty is a great sign.

[elaine567]

I do believe, based on what the OP says, that her relationship is on good footing. But the incident is not entirely harmless....obviously.

 

The fiance said he wasn't going to engage in a 'traditional'

bachelor party, but was 'encouraged' to do so AFTER getting drunk visiting multiple breweries(?).

 

I do not recall any of my friends or my brother involved in lap-dance types of bachelor parties. I certainly didn't. It certainly doesn't sound smart to take a drunk fiance to a strip club to get a lap dance after having it made clear that such was not desired....and tell the bf not keep it hush-hush.

 

Anyhoo, the OP is obviously upset about it and shouldn't be taken lightly, but the fiance's honesty is a great sign.

 

Ok, too much is being made of how honest the fiancé was, but was he really honest?

Who knows?

It may have been entirely his idea to go to a strip club and get a naked lap dance.

He is not going to tell his gf that is he? No, he is going to sugar coat and say he was forced into it... no doubt a story backed up by his mates to avoid friction with the little lady...

A "confession" may be a great way to avoid more probing questions...

If he knew it was all going to come out in the wash, then what better way than to get his story in first...

 

I am sure, he was well aware of how upset his gf would be about this, but he did it anyway, a great start to a marriage...

[Gr8fuln2020]

Ok, too much is being made of how honest the fiancé was, but was he really honest?

Who knows?

It may have been entirely his idea to go to a strip club and get a naked lap dance.

He is not going to tell his gf that is he? No, he is going to sugar coat and say he was forced into it... no doubt a story backed up by his mates to avoid friction with the little lady...

A "confession" may be a great way to avoid more probing questions...

If he knew it was all going to come out in the wash, then what better way than to get his story in first...

 

I am sure, he was well aware of how upset his gf would be about this, but he did it anyway, a great start to a marriage...

 

I thought of this. I wanted to be a little more optimistic.

 

CORRECTION: My earlier post should have read: "and tell the bf to keep it hush-hush."

[Whoknew30]

Ok, too much is being made of how honest the fiancé was, but was he really honest?

Who knows?

It may have been entirely his idea to go to a strip club and get a naked lap dance.

He is not going to tell his gf that is he? No, he is going to sugar coat and say he was forced into it... no doubt a story backed up by his mates to avoid friction with the little lady...

A "confession" may be a great way to avoid more probing questions...

If he knew it was all going to come out in the wash, then what better way than to get his story in first...

 

I am sure, he was well aware of how upset his gf would be about this, but he did it anyway, a great start to a marriage...

 

What was he supposed to do? Run like a child bc his new BIL threw him a bachelor party. Maybe some women like feminine man...it would make me embarrassed for if my soon to be husband would do something like that, on top of all the men in the group destroying him forever!

 

I guess for the woman that really wants to cut off her husband at the waiste & then complain after marriage how he never opens up to her...this logic would be ok but after 20 years of marriage, I like to be the wife that my husband & his friends tell me everything & none has to worry about me opening my mouth to anyone else & or freaking out on them. Marriage is about building trust & friendship, the reason marriages struggle with that is bc of at least one spouse making a deal over & over again (you don't do that with friends) & pretty soon you have a SO that doesn't want to really open up.

 

I see this guy has done exactly what a "best friend" would do & OP is lucky bc that's how he's looking at you...you're going to turn that into him you looking like a ball & chain...no woman wants that.

[cope ascetic]

... I feel embarrassed and disrespected. My fiancé has asked me to not speak of this to anyone since they all said he should keep it from me. I'm speaking to my fiancé but I feel this really bad feeling in my stomach...

This part tells me the lines of communication are open with your husband, but not your brother, et al. The problem is between you and your brother, i think.

[knabe]

You feel how you feel. A bunch of people shaming your feelings isn't going to help.

 

I'm pretty open and adventurous. But I'll admit I wouldn't like a naked woman touching my fiance even if it was her job. I have been to and in countless weddings, and only ONE of my friends/relatives' bachelor parties involved strippers and lap dances, and the dancer was NOT fully naked.

 

This idea that you are some prude or need to get over it or "can't handle marriage" is insensitive and quite frankly, rude.

 

I would share with your fiance in a loving way how it made YOU feel about YOURSELF and see what his response is.