I don't understand

[Air2jjs]

I've read many of these accounts and I do not understand why the WS wants to stay and fix the marriage after their affair is discovered.

 

This make absolutely no sense to me.

 

I believe the pressure to allow them to stay is a continuation of their selfish behavior.

[alsudduth]

I've read many of these accounts and I do not understand why the WS wants to stay and fix the marriage after their affair is discovered.

 

This make absolutely no sense to me.

 

I believe the pressure to allow them to stay is a continuation of their selfish behavior.

 

An affair isn't a deal breaker in every relationship. Dynamics of affairs are different in every relationship. Affairs are not black and white all the time, they are complicated, sad, a cry for help at times, etc. You can't turn love off and on like a switch. 9 times out of 10 a person in an affair has gotten to a point that they don't know what to do anymore and are weak.

 

Reasons for affairs are different in almost every relationship. Doesn't make any affair okay, but it can also make the difference between staying and going.

 

For example....My husband had an affair, told me he wanted a divorce, I met someone while quasi separated with my H, which turned into an affair after my husband and I started trying to work things out...I got caught, and my H and I have decided to stay together. We have 20 years together, 2 kids, a house, a life.... it's more complicated than black and white.

[Buckeye2]

I do not understand why the WS wants to stay and fix the marriage after their affair is discovered.

 

I get what you’re saying. If the marriage was bad enough to have an affair then why would the WS work so hard to save it? The marriage was bad according to the WS so that left them open to an affair. Their affair had to have caused them to detach from their BS even more. Then getting caught made the marriage and their BS even more troublesome. The marriage that was originally bad has become very very bad. Now the WS wants to save it?

 

Why do they want to save it now? What changed when they were caught? Did they suddenly discover how much they loved their spouse? The correct answer: The possibility of consequences.

 

Think about it. If the WS is immediately willing to do anything to save the marriage then it must have been a pretty good marriage. Now they’re caught. Suddenly the price of the affair is too high. After all, until they were caught the affair was free. They never intended to pay a price for their affair and once caught the only way to avoid the price is to save the marriage.

 

The affair provided them with a great life with two people supplying different needs. If the marriage provided more to them than the affair then they will chose the marriage. Many will try and keep both. To keep both they will be more careful and take the affair even more underground. It’s hard to give up their great former life. They have to be forced to give one up.

Edited August 21, 2017 by Buckeye2

[BetrayedH]

An affair is not a marital problem; it's a personal one.

 

Waywards don't want to leave their marriage; they just want more.

[GoldenR]

Waywards always want to stay with Plan B right up until they know FOR SURE that plan A (AP) will take them. If/when that happens, plan A usually falls apart pretty quickly, and then the WS changes their tune that their spouse was Plan A all along.

 

It's pure insanity.

[WilyWill]

Despite their selfishness, some WS's actually do care about the well-being of their kids. Or at the very least they don't want to be remembered as the person who destroyed the family.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I have a little different take on this since i am a FWW.

 

First...My husband was plan A. He is the one i married. The affair partner wasn't a plan at all...but if you want to call him something...then call him plan B. Since my husband was plan A.

 

I was not looking to have an affair...yes i made the choice...but it wasn't a plan...I did not sit around plotting to have an affair. My affair was brief...I confessed...My husband offered me the gift of reconciliation and i took it. It has been 34 years since i cheated.

 

Plan A was right for me...my husband has been my best friend since i was 16 years old...all i ever wanted was to be a wife and mom and grandmother.

 

I think too many people...especially those who have never had infidelity or who chose to divorce...sit around contemplating and making judgments about other peoples lives...when they have absolutely no clue.

 

Every infidelity is different...though they may be similar. And there is no one size fits all. There cant be...because we are all different and react differently.

 

You might think my husband should have divorced me 34 years ago. He would disagree....and at the end of the day...it doesn't matter what you think.

 

Why would a WS want to reconcile? Why did they marry their spouse in the first place? Because they love them and want to spend the rest of their life with them. It really is that simple for me. It might be a different reason for someone else.

[road]

A cake eater is the contraction of have

their cake and eat it to.

 

The affair is about having both to get to

eat the cake yet still keep the cake.

 

The WS just wants extra fun on the side.

Does not mean they want a divorce.

 

What is funny is many a WS would never accept

their BS having an affair and would divorce them.

So much so that a red flag is when a WS

all of a sudden starts acting jealous and accuse

their BS of having an affair it is because their

own affair has made them paranoid.

[Mrs. John Adams]

And some of us also give the gift of reconciliation to our bs who have ra's

[aileD]

Because they don't really want out of the marriage. They want the fantasy of being out of the marriage without all the hardship of actually being out of the marriage. They think they can have it all, and you're right ...wanting to stay is most certainly a continuation of selfishness

[knabe]

An affair is very similar to a suicide attempt in thinking. For SOME. They don't really want anything except escape. What they want escape from can vary. The problem in both these circumstances is that the method of escape can and often DOES have permanent consequences and ramifications.

 

It's just never a good choice. Ever.

 

As to why a WS wants to reconcile....some choose to see it simplistically because it fits their narrative or stage of healing. The reality is that it could be anything from wanting to save face to being truly remorseful.

[GoldenR]

But isn't reconciliation, by its definition, the plan b to

marriage?

[Mrs. John Adams]

I always thought that the husband is referred to as plan b after an affair...because the om is plan A

 

How can the marriage be plan B if you are already married?

 

It makes no sense to me....

[GoldenR]

I have a little different take on this since i am a FWW.

 

First...My husband was plan A. He is the one i married. The affair partner wasn't a plan at all...but if you want to call him something...then call him plan B. Since my husband was plan A.

 

I was not looking to have an affair...yes i made the choice...but it wasn't a plan...I did not sit around plotting to have an affair. My affair was brief...I confessed...My husband offered me the gift of reconciliation and i took it. It has been 34 years since i cheated.

 

Plan A was right for me...my husband has been my best friend since i was 16 years old...all i ever wanted was to be a wife and mom and grandmother.

 

I think too many people...especially those who have never had infidelity or who chose to divorce...sit around contemplating and making judgments about other peoples lives...when they have absolutely no clue.

 

Every infidelity is different...though they may be similar. And there is no one size fits all. There cant be...because we are all different and react differently.

 

You might think my husband should have divorced me 34 years ago. He would disagree....and at the end of the day...it doesn't matter what you think.

 

Why would a WS want to reconcile? Why did they marry their spouse in the first place? Because they love them and want to spend the rest of their life with them. It really is that simple for me. It might be a different reason for someone else.

 

I know this was for me... :-)

 

I never say it, but when I post, I see ONSes (or ODSes) or the random wild weekend in Vegas, as totally separate from the rest.

[dichotomy]

For some WS its like desert.

 

When faced with it - your not going to give up a regular daily meal of chicken veggies and biscuits...... for just cookies.

 

You can wanted both -you got caught with your hand up the jar - but you can't live on cookies alone. Although kids and cheaters sometimes think they can.

[Doorstopper]

But isn't reconciliation, by its definition, the plan b to

marriage?

 

No more so than divorce is the Plan B to marriage.

[pheonixrisen]

Waywards always want to stay with Plan B right up until they know FOR SURE that plan A (AP) will take them. If/when that happens, plan A usually falls apart pretty quickly, and then the WS changes their tune that their spouse was Plan A all along.

 

It's pure insanity.

 

I don't think so ....if I read your post correctly

AP (PLAN A )

WIFE (PLAN B)

 

yeah I don't think so ...atleast not in my situation .

 

Since Dday the AP was going crazy with the pick me ...i literally forced him out the door several times towards her and told him sure go right ahead and do pick her since you were coward enough to go behind my back she should be good enough to marry ....he stayed put...def not Plan A

 

From what I read here AP are usually a means to an end .not the end goal (very rarely they are the end goal)

 

I don't believe AP are plan A or plan B I don't think they are a plan at all they are just something that happened when an oppourtunity arose ...

When Dday happens they just simply become a burden to carry

[Mrs. John Adams]

I know this was for me... :-)

 

I never say it, but when I post, I see ONSes (or ODSes) or the random wild weekend in Vegas, as totally separate from the rest.

 

You know I did not have a wild weekend in vegas...

 

Well actually I did.. twice.. and both were with my husband...lol

[Whoknew30]

There's many reasons for a WS to want & reconcile. I wanted to bc I never wanted to be in the predicament I was in in the first place BUT when I did have my affair, I was ready to divorce or I wouldn't have done it.

 

I've seen every scenario, people that cheat for fun, just sex, love & once caught...reconcile for different reasons, they really know the screwed up, they don't want to take a hit financially, they're simply cowards & just don't want to be judged.

 

It's all to each is own...

[sandylee1]

And some of us also give the gift of reconciliation to our bs who have ra's

 

I think the OP is referring more to long term or longer term affairs.

 

A one off (like yours) is different IMO.

 

It's those who say they were unhappy and blame the BS... Yet when it's exposed they don't want to leave.

[Air2jjs]

You are correct Sandylee,

 

Spouses that stray for months and years and then all of a sudden get caught, have an epiphany and suddenly want to work it out.

 

Thanks for all of the responses... much appreciated

[BetrayedH]

I always thought that the husband is referred to as plan b after an affair...because the om is plan A

 

How can the marriage be plan B if you are already married?

 

It makes no sense to me....

 

I think that there are occassionally exit affairs where the wayward just wants out and the affair is the method, but I think this is rare.

 

I think most waywards just want more than they have, and feel entitled to it, so they just go for it. When discovered, they don't want to give up what they had. They were just selfish and wanted "more" than what they had.

 

I don't mean to slam you. Really. I just see a remarkable amount of betrayed spouses that beat themselves up for not being enough when I think the real problem is that the wayward felt entitled to more than that which they were entitled, at least in a committed relationship. Would you tend to agree?

 

For what it's worth, I think few waywards actually have a plan.

[Mrs. John Adams]

cheating is cheating...ask my husband..it hurts regardless of the time

 

i do agree..very few waywards have a plan...you are in the moment....there are no plans

[GoldenR]

Here's how I've always looked at it...

 

The WS knows that their cheating could result in D, yet they choose to do it anyway. Knowing this and still doing it, at that point, they've chosen the A and the AP over their spouse....they've chosen what's more important to them. That may all change as soon as the deed is done, or as soon as they see their spouse, or when they're found out, but at that moment when it happens, the A/AP was more important.

[DKT3]

I don't believe that most WS have any plans, only trying to maintain status quo.

 

I get the whole spouse being plan B. I think that comes from the WS choosing the affair and affair partner during the affair. Placing the BS on the back burner as they forcus so much energy on the affair partner, then boom all in with the spouse again. Sure the spouse was...WAS Plan A when they married.

 

We read it here all the time.... specifically for MW where all her energy is with AP oh I'm so in love, he is so amazing with hardly any mention of husband.

 

I think many BS struggle with just how authentic the WS is about R. As others have mentioned, the reasons vary in each individual case. I personally believe because most affairs happen in a vacuum, the WS compartmentalize it, and once the real world touches it, many quickly snap out of it and realize just what they have put at risk.

 

So no, I don't believe that most BS are plan B, it's more likely the two worlds simply didn't connect in the WS mind on that level. While others are under no delusion as to what the affair is, extra with the expectation of never being caught.

Edited August 23, 2017 by DKT3