I don't understand

[newyork82]

they just want to eat thier cake and still have it!

[usa1ah]

An affair is black and white.

 

One spouse cheats on the other breaking the marriage vows.

 

If more people divorce for this it wouldn't be so bad now.

 

From and mans point of view. I see a wife cheating as a direct assault on his manhood. Screaming that her husband isn't enough for her or can't satisfy her needs. I understand this may be the case but at least have the respect to divorce first. The thing that gets me is, what if the neglect is do to a medical reason. Are you only married for sex? This is why I say that the cheater is not in love with the BS. They love them in a way but they are not in love with them.

 

I would divorce if my wife was caught cheating.

[Just a Guy]

Hi usa1ah, while I agree for the most part with what you say, I also think that there are shades of grey in the matter of affairs. While I agree that the honourable and decent thing for a WS to do before getting involved in an affair would be to divorce, after having been reading the stories of heart ache and heart break here, I think that occasionally there ate extenuating circumstances when a WS may not be in a position to divorce immediately, although that may be the eventual course of action that may be on the cards. Often enough, men and women get drawn into affairs when they had no intention to do so. In such a case they may be in love with their spouses but get drawn into affairs because of some circumstances where they have let their guard down and then get caught up in a swirl of emotions which clouds their better judgement. Once they have succumbed initially they get caught up in a catch twenty two situation and cannot seem to break away. Getting caught is the only way that their affair juggernaut can be stopped.

 

Of course, all this is true for a very small proportion of WS. Most go into affairs because they want to and find ways and means to do so. They are remorseless and heartless. These are the WS who are not worthy of reconciliation because they will be at it in a heartbeat. Call them hard core cheaters or what you will but they are into the cheating game for the long haul.

 

The discussion about the BS being plan A or plan B left me wondering if many of you have browsed through some of the alternative lifestyle websites. The essence of those lifestyles is that although the spouses( mostly wives) have sex with a number of partners, some of them long term, they generally remain loyal to their SOs and their SOs are never in doubt that they will always be their plan A. I think a similar dynamic applies to WS in affairs with the exception that of course the BS is not aware that their spouse is having an affair with someone else and that their affections may be directed at someone else. I think the only exception would be a polyamorous relationship where there is a primary spouse and a secondary one and both are plan A. At least it appears so to me but I may be wrong. Warm wishes.

[usa1ah]

Then if the WS is not in a position to leave, they should wait unit they are. If one wants to leave, if they have any sort of decency or character they will wait until they are able to leave.

 

But no, we come up with every damn excuse for them. Well he was always working trying to support his WW and kids so she got lonely. Or she never wanted to have sex any more and was always tired from watching the kids and never gave him any attention.

 

All excuse fail when held up to the light that tge one that cheated has no excuse. Listen to all the former WS on this thread. They all, everyone of them, say I have no excuse for what I did. I was horribly wrong in my actions. I wish it never happened. This is what the truly remorseful WS says in the end.

 

The WS that leaves is for the most part vengeful and hateful.

 

There is never an excuse to cheat on another human being. It is just a weak willed individual with no character that does or someone that doesn't give a damn about the person they are with.

 

I also understand feeling can change for the one you are with, it can lessen or the true value and love for that person can develop. It still will never excuse a cheaters actions.

Edited September 3, 2017 by usa1ah

[Southwardbound]

You are correct Sandylee,

 

Spouses that stray for months and years and then all of a sudden get caught, have an epiphany and suddenly want to work it out.

 

Thanks for all of the responses... much appreciated

 

The WS stays because 1) it's simply easier to do so & 2) they don't wish to take a pocketbook hit to their monthly discretionary spending or to their pension.

[Superluminal]

An affair is not a marital problem; it's a personal one.

 

Waywards don't want to leave their marriage; they just want more.

 

Sorry, I respectfully disagree. In some cases, an affair is a marital problem.

 

While I agree that the WS's decision to cheat is 100% on them, I believe that both the WS and the BS both contributed to an environment where an affair was viable.

 

Let me explain...My marriage fell apart before my xH's affairs. And it fell apart because of things both of us did. Lack of communication, growing resentments, blah, blah, blah. I chose to deal with it by withdrawing from the relationship, withholding sex and making major decisions without his input. He chose to deal with it by having an affair. While most will agree that what he did was worse, what I did was nonetheless emotionally painful to him. I'm not innocent in all of this.

 

My xH's affair didn't cause our marital problems, his affair was a result of our marital problems.

 

While I agree that there as BS's out there who do their best to be great partners, I think there are some out there that exhibit behaviours in their marriage that contributed to it's failures. Reconciliation without this acknowledgement is futile.

[road]

Sorry, I respectfully disagree. In some cases, an affair is a marital problem.

 

While I agree that the WS's decision to cheat is 100% on them, I believe that both the WS and the BS both contributed to an environment where an affair was viable.

 

Let me explain...My marriage fell apart before my xH's affairs. And it fell apart because of things both of us did. Lack of communication, growing resentments, blah, blah, blah. I chose to deal with it by withdrawing from the relationship, withholding sex and making major decisions without his input. He chose to deal with it by having an affair. While most will agree that what he did was worse, what I did was nonetheless emotionally painful to him. I'm not innocent in all of this.

 

My xH's affair didn't cause our marital problems, his affair was a result of our marital problems.

 

While I agree that there as BS's out there who do their best to be great partners, I think there are some out there that exhibit behaviours in their marriage that contributed to it's failures. Reconciliation without this acknowledgement is futile.

 

A bad marriage is justification for a divorce.

 

It is never justification to have an affair.

[Superluminal]

A bad marriage is justification for a divorce.

 

It is never justification to have an affair.

 

Yes, you are correct. I hope my post didn't make this impression. I disagreed with the comment that an affair is not a marital problem. I believe it is. Yes, the correct decision should have been a divorce. Or MC. But we all know that life doesn't always work that way.

 

That being said, at the time my xH and I were dealing with our problems, I felt completely justified in my actions towards him. And I'm sure he felt the same way about his affairs.

[waterwoman]

Yes, you are correct. I hope my post didn't make this impression. I disagreed with the comment that an affair is not a marital problem. I believe it is. Yes, the correct decision should have been a divorce. Or MC. But we all know that life doesn't always work that way.

 

That being said, at the time my xH and I were dealing with our problems, I felt completely justified in my actions towards him. And I'm sure he felt the same way about his affairs.

 

Of course an affair is a marital problem. It blows marriage apart! However I don't think that saying an affair is a caused by marital problems is entirely fair. I was just as unhappy as H, more so I suspect, prior to his affair but only he cheated - that implies to me that there is something else there on top of the marital problems.

 

And the difference between an affair and other examples of bad behaviour in a marriage is quite stark IMO. To have an affair is to say out loud 'I can find someone else, someone better'. It is, to all intents and purposes, saying the marriage is over. The WS might not see it that way but the BS does. I felt as if I was not what he wanted any more - the first question I asked when H finally came clean was to ask when he was planning to leave. He was horrified by the suggestion. That was not the plan at all. He could not see at the time that his affair signalled to me that he wanted out. It's a bigger and more significant misdemeanour than a bit of PA or a lack of sex because it comes with a big fat label saying 'I want out'.

[Reddice]

There's a difference between cheating and actually having an affair. A person can cheat, while not necessarily be disconnected from his relationship. It can be a one-time mistake or a chain of mistakes. It can lead to an affair, but that's not always the case. It is most likely to be a result of a bad marriage. Cheating because your wife is withholding sex, because you're mad and looking for payback, etc etc.

 

An affair is an emotional disconnect from one's current partner. It always involves feelings. This is for sure a marital problem and I don't see how anyone could feel differently about this. You cannot start an affair while you are still madly in love with your partner after all. It's a sign that you should have split up a long time ago.

 

While both are justification for divorce, I would condider an affair to be ranked much higher on the infidelity scale. It will absolutely shatter your partner's world.

[BetrayedH]

Sorry, I respectfully disagree. In some cases, an affair is a marital problem.

 

While I agree that the WS's decision to cheat is 100% on them, I believe that both the WS and the BS both contributed to an environment where an affair was viable.

 

Let me explain...My marriage fell apart before my xH's affairs. And it fell apart because of things both of us did. Lack of communication, growing resentments, blah, blah, blah. I chose to deal with it by withdrawing from the relationship, withholding sex and making major decisions without his input. He chose to deal with it by having an affair. While most will agree that what he did was worse, what I did was nonetheless emotionally painful to him. I'm not innocent in all of this.

 

My xH's affair didn't cause our marital problems, his affair was a result of our marital problems.

 

While I agree that there as BS's out there who do their best to be great partners, I think there are some out there that exhibit behaviours in their marriage that contributed to it's failures. Reconciliation without this acknowledgement is futile.

 

Your reply was respectful and I appreciate that. It's difficult to have a balanced dialogue on this topic around here.

 

I also agree that both spouses can set-up a pretty crappy marital environment. But (saw that word coming, right?) there's only one thing in my view that causes an affair and that's the wayward's decision to have one. No one causes someone else to make that decision and it's erroneous to have anyone else take ownership of that decision. The wayward had oher ethical, moral, healthy, and respectful options before them. They chose otherwise.

 

I think this point needs real clarity because blameshifting is so common. There is no perfect marriage. There are always things that both parties could have done better. But I did not cause my wife's poor choices, nor did she cause mine. If a poor marriage caused an affair, it's remarkable that it only caused it for one person even though both spouses are in the same marriage. So there's not a cause and effect relationship. It comes down to the individual's strengths and weaknesses.

 

To your point, if there's to be an effective reconciliation, I agree that both parties need to own their mistakes. And some of those pre-affair crappy choices by a BS were pretty heinous in their own right and need to be addressed. But I won't own my spouse's decision to drop a nuke on the marriage.

 

Thanks for the respectful dialogue. I hope I've replied in kind. I simply think more reconciliations would be successful if neither party blameshifted.

[road]

Yes, you are correct. I hope my post didn't make this impression. I disagreed with the comment that an affair is not a marital problem. I believe it is. Yes, the correct decision should have been a divorce. Or MC. But we all know that life doesn't always work that way.

 

That being said, at the time my xH and I were dealing with our problems, I felt completely justified in my actions towards him. And I'm sure he felt the same way about his affairs.

 

This why no affair is special or unique for they are

all the same. Just a WS doing their False Justification

so they can cheat.

[road]

There's a difference between cheating and actually having an affair. A person can cheat, while not necessarily be disconnected from his relationship. It can be a one-time mistake or a chain of mistakes. It can lead to an affair, but that's not always the case. It is most likely to be a result of a bad marriage. Cheating because your wife is withholding sex, because you're mad and looking for payback, etc etc.

 

An affair is an emotional disconnect from one's current partner. It always involves feelings. This is for sure a marital problem and I don't see how anyone could feel differently about this. You cannot start an affair while you are still madly in love with your partner after all. It's a sign that you should have split up a long time ago.

 

While both are justification for divorce, I would condider an affair to be ranked much higher on the infidelity scale. It will absolutely shatter your partner's world.

 

Affair

 

Cheating

 

Infidelity

 

Are just three different words used to describe

the same act.

 

And there is no difference based on the number

of times they AP's had sex. Or even try to get

away with the Bill Clinton "Excuse".

[somanymistakes]

No difference? It would make a big difference to me, if my partner was screwing ten women a week vs kissed someone once at a drunk office party vs flirting with someone in email that he'd never actually touched.

[lostgirl87]

Affair

 

Cheating

 

Infidelity

 

Are just three different words used to describe

the same act.

 

And there is no difference based on the number

of times they AP's had sex. Or even try to get

away with the Bill Clinton "Excuse".

Not the same at all. An affair is a whole relationship outside of the marriage. An affair is cheating but one can cheat without having an affair. This includes ONS or a purely physical act with no enotional involvement or feelings. Is it ok? Absolutely not. But there's a difference between the two and at least for me, a purely physical act can be forgiven a lot easier than my partner having a full emotional AND physical connection with another woman.

[Mrs. John Adams]

The truth is... you don't know how you might react until you find yourself in the situation.

 

Lines that seem drawn in concrete can be moved and definitions of various infidelities may or may not make a difference.

 

My husband never dreamed he would ever be able to forgive an affair if any kind. Would it have made a difference if it had been a long on going affair verses a one time encounter? I don't know and neither does he... because you simply cannot predict what your reaction would be.

 

To some folks... betrayal is betrayal... and just simply cannot be forgiven and they have every right to determine that for themselves.

[purplesorrow]

Not the same at all. An affair is a whole relationship outside of the marriage. An affair is cheating but one can cheat without having an affair. This includes ONS or a purely physical act with no enotional involvement or feelings. Is it ok? Absolutely not. But there's a difference between the two and at least for me, a purely physical act can be forgiven a lot easier than my partner having a full emotional AND physical connection with another woman.

 

Totally the same when you're the one being betrayed. All meant he chose to go outside of our relationship. All result in divorce for me.

[Reddice]

Affair

 

Cheating

 

Infidelity

 

Are just three different words used to describe

the same act.

 

And there is no difference based on the number

of times they AP's had sex. Or even try to get

away with the Bill Clinton "Excuse".

 

Not sure I agree with you on this. In theory, everyone could potentially be a cheater. Getting drunk at a party and kissing someone else for example. But not everyone can potentially have an affair as it's basically having a whole relationship on the side. You have to actually put effort (and a lot of it) into an affair.

 

I would consider "infidelity" the generic term for everything that revolves around these two acts. Infidelity could for example be sending flirty messages, but without engaging in anything else.

 

For some people, a little infidelity and a little cheating could be overlooked, while an affair wil be a dealbreaker, as we have come to see on these forums. Personally, I don't tolerate any of these acts and that might be why I have no more bridges to burn.