I need to change my entire life around but I feel stuck

[Nothingtolose]

I think the title says it all.

 

My life has felt like groundhog day for about 2 years now. I've been in my current relationship for close to 3 years, but have been miserable in it for about a year. We tried couples counselling, which helped for a while, and we also moved out of the place we shared together in hopes that taking a bit of space would help our relationship. It's now been 4 months of living apart and while the space has helped in some ways, I've also realized no amount of counselling can fix us because we're just completely incompatible and not aligned in our values.

 

My partner, although sweet and loving, is an alcoholic stoner (although high-functioning and not a trouble maker). He's also apathetic and unmotivated to make any changes in his life, which I feel has rubbed off on me. He goes to work, comes home, gets stoned, plays video games, and makes no long term plans for the future. He does not challenge me to be better, and I'm definitely not the best version of myself in this relationship. However, the guilt (of leaving someone) and fear of being alone (which I have learned is co-dependency) have left me stuck. I'm going to counselling, reading a ton (books, online forums, you name it), and still, every time I'm close to finally calling it quits, I panic and am paralyzed by fear.

 

Aside from the relationship, I'm also unhappy in my career, been with the same company for 4 years and have wanted out for almost 2. Changed departments which helped a little, but not much. I don't hate my job, but I find no joy in it. I'm also bored of the city I live in, and most of my friends here are in relationships/getting married/having babies - which makes me feel like I don't have a strong enough support system to get me through these major life changes, if I decide to make them. This city is also notoriously bad for dating, cold and depressing in winter, the list goes on. I know it's all just a pathetic excuse to stay stuck, but I feel lost and alone.

 

Every day I dream of a new life...a new city, new career, new partner, even some new friends...but I'm in debt (will be paid off in 2 months so not too bad), have no savings, and no way to quit my job, pack up and go. I've also put on close to 20 pounds in the last 2 years due to the depression and emotional eating - so I no longer feel like the attractive, confident woman I used to be.

 

I'm so ready for a massive life transformation and don't even know where to begin. I guess I'm just looking for success stories of people who were stuck and turned their lives around, so I know that there's hope for me.

[Satu]

You've figured out what you don't want, so thats the first step done.

 

The next step is figuring out what you do want.

 

There's an exercise I did myself that you might find useful:

 

Write out a list of everything you've ever wanted to do or have, going right back to your childhood, and up to the present time.

 

This should take days to do.

 

Then cross off the items you've done, or are no longer interested in.

 

When you've done that, you'll have a list of things you owe it to yourself to do.

 

Pick one item and make a firm commitment to making it happen.

 

Soon.

 

Make it happen.

 

 

Take care.

[d0nnivain]

You have choices: baby steps or jumping into the deep end of the pool.

 

If you pick drastic -- identify the city where you want to live, travel there for purposes of securing a place to live. Once you have that, quit your job, pack up & move. Then get a job in your new place.

 

That sounds very scary to me.

 

I would focus on getting a new job. Make that your P/T job / current hobby. Send out resumes & applications until you get something new in a new place. Then move there.

[clia]

I think baby steps is the best way to go, given the amount of change you want. Since we are nearing the end of August, I would allow through the end of the year to get yourself in position to do everything. This is what I would do if I were in your shoes over the next four months:

 

1. Start with the weight loss because this is something entirely within your control. Plus, I think if you lost the weight if would give you the much needed confidence to help you make changes to other areas of your life. Download the My Fitness Pal app to keep track of your calories and exercise. Do either Couch to 5K or Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred as a starting point. Set a deadline of December 31 to lose the 20 pounds.

 

2. In addition to the above, make a list of the top three cities where you would like to move. Start extensively researching those cities -- cost of living, job market/opportunities, etc. If you can afford to visit any of them, do that.

 

3. Update your resume, update your LinkedIn, review your LinkedIn connections to see if anyone you know might be able to help with your job search from a networking perspective.

 

4. I'm not sure how much you are seeing your boyfriend, but start pulling back and seeing less of him. Aim to see him no more than one time per week. Focus on yourself instead.

 

The goal is that you develop the mindset over the next four months that you ARE moving, you ARE going to find a new job, you ARE going to end the relationship. In January, take the plunge. Start actively applying for jobs in whichever city (or cities) you want to live in. (But obviously if you see your dream job before then, you should go for it.) Start searching for apartment rentals. End the relationship with your boyfriend. Go live your dream.

[ahhope4u]

I am sorry that you are feeling so stuck. I don't know if I was successful because I haven't finished LOL- "I am 50 some and still have when I grow up plans. That is the point- we are created by a loving God to inherently want to grow and better ourselves- we are hard wired- one thing I do know is sometimes when we are told not to be the one to leave- (divorce) unless the spouse/partner leaves- and it is taken literally but in the case of mental illness and addicition maybe they have already left- except physically- either way God does not want us to suffer. Having said that in encouragement- I also know that we cannot run from ourselves and new jobs-places- and companions will not change that- we must learn to love ourselves where ever we are in life- I believe that an organization like Alanon would be great place to start investing in yourself- you are courageous enough to be already on the road, by your own admittance to co-dependancy. Learning about ourselves is essential, and even other church or community support groups would help, focuson family has a lot of good reliable information, and it even might be beneficial to consider short term counseling. Good luck and many Blessings

[Kellens]

Hi NTL,

 

I can empathize with some of the things that you're going through right now. I feel stuck in my life as well, I was just thinking about this an hour or so ago and I was trying to think of ways to change it. I think it's great that you separated residences with your boyfriend, that makes it easier if you do decide to break up with him, you won't have to deal with splitting up the furniture/belongings and anything else.

 

As soon as your debt is paid, you should start saving. It will help you to work towards a goal. I agree with the other posters that you should move to a different city, I know this is easier said than done but it would help to take you out of the rut that you're in and force you to make new connections and change your lifestyle. Losing weight isn't always the easiest thing but I found that a terrible break-up will work wonders in suppressing your appetite Of course the only way that this would happen is if you actually decide to break up with your boyfriend.

 

I also have co-dependency issues, I know that is part of the reason that I'm still with my boyfriend even though I am miserable more and more lately. I can understand your trouble in making that final decision, I've never been able to break up with anyone, but I think you know it's for the best. You can absolutely be happy without him and you can find someone else. You need to regain your confidence first. Having goals to work towards really will help. Save, scope out cities and look up new jobs. If it gets to be too overwhelming, go for a long walk and listen to some music to clear out your head, which will help with the weight loss as well

 

I started over after a terrible break-up, not completely, but I changed some things and it made a world of a difference for me. I was 34 at the time, and had been with the person for 7 years, it was a total change for me being alone but I realized that it made me a lot stronger. Of course 3 years later I have a new boyfriend and a new set of problems.. it never fails, but I've learned a lot. If you ever want to talk feel free to PM me. Good luck either way.

[Ashbash11]

I could've written this post... In fact, I pretty much did a week ago.

 

I've been married to a man for 4 years and we've had a lot of problems and couples therapy hasn't helped, I've hated my job for almost 5 years, gained more weight than you have (45 lbs), and feel "stuck" in life. It actually got so bad that I have been depressed and suicidal.

 

It will probably seem drastic, but here's what I did: I just quit my job (yes, without another one lined up), because it was a bad work environment and I was unhappy, and I am moving to the city that I love. I am in the process of interviewing for another job, and I've been actively networking and searching daily for a new position. Yes, I am leaving my husband and the town we live in (that I hate) behind. We aren't getting divorced or anything, but I am doing this for my own well-being. Life is short, do what you know will make you happy. Trust your gut instincts. Ask yourself, if there were no consequences, what would you do tomorrow? Where would you live? Would you stay with your SO, or be single? What do you truly want for yourself, and your life?

 

Once you're no longer afraid to answer these questions, start taking steps toward achieving your goals. As others have said, even if you just start with small steps, it will make you feel better, and less "stuck." But, I will also say that sometimes, you need to make drastic changes, especially if your physical and/or mental health are at stake. I think as humans, we get comfortable with certain aspects of our lives, even if they are not right for us. It's easier just to stay with what you know, rather than take risks and make changes.

Edited August 23, 2017 by Ashbash11

[Nothingtolose]

Thank you all for the very helpful and practical suggestions.

 

I have a trip booked with a friend next week for 2 weeks, which will help me clear my head a bit. Once I get back, I'm going to commit to an exercise and healthy eating plan to help me shed the weight I put on. I feel like that's the first step towards more self-confidence again.

 

I'm also going to start applying to remote jobs that will allow me to work from anywhere - it may take a while to find something, but I have to try. My dream is to not be stuck to one particular location, and be able to work from anywhere, so I have to start taking steps towards it.

 

I also think I need to be brave and end my relationship this year still. I can't let this spill into 2018. We've tried everything and I think we're just not right for each other. He's not ready to give up his lifestyle choices, and I can't wait around forever. I want marriage and kids, and so it's really scary to be single again at 33, but I'm not going to make finding a man my focus...I need to work on my, my self-worth, my dreams, and work on myself enough to finally stop attracting fixer-uppers and the wrong type of relationships to my life.

 

Ashbash, that is amazing, so much change in such a short period of time! how are you feeling about it all?

[Nothingtolose]

It's been particularly hard this week because he (boyfriend) has been super sweet and affectionate, and I feel sad every time I think about ending things because I know how much I'm going to miss the messages and the friendship etc - but the truth is that we're not walking in the same direction, share different life goals, so no matter how hard I try I just can't see it working in the long run. It's so hard to leave someone you love, but know isn't the right person for you. It's never happened to me before (I've either ended relationships after falling out of love, or I was dumped, in which case I had no choice).